Dear Friends,
Over the past couple of weeks in A Mindful Life we have been exploring a subject that never stops presenting itself in life…boundaries. The word itself can carry a weight of negativity, but I when I dive into the subject with everyone, it’s one that brings great awareness, clarity, and kindness to our ability to relate to all kinds of things. Whether the boundary is within ourselves or someone else, a group, our job, a habit…we can prevent suffering simply by getting clear on our needs and limits.
To establish boundaries, we have to be honest and clear with ourselves. If we don’t know our own needs, or if we don’t allow ourselves to have needs (a big issue among caretakers), how can we relate to anything that has the potential to get a lot more messy? If we don't set a boundary because we’re afraid of the other people’s reaction, (the fear that we’ll be rejected, abandoned, or make them angry), then we first need to work on the fear in ourselves.
Mindfulness teaches how to be with our fear and how to take care of it with compassion so that it can shift. We can also bring in compassion and understanding when we recognize the needs of others. Even if we are saying no or creating a limit, we can meet whatever it is mindfully and with kind attention. We also get to recognize that part of ourselves that all too often thinks we’re responsible for another person’s happiness. The false notion that if we don’t meet their needs, that we are to blame. We feel guilty, selfish, or not enough. When we do that, we’re not giving the other person credit for having the ability to cope, find a way, be resilient, and capable on their own!
My invitation to you this week is to ask yourself, “Where is there a boundary issue that may need attention?” A good place to start is to see if there are any places right now in your life where resentment or anger arises. Are there relationships that feel taxing or disrespected/disregarded? Is there a relationship where we get overly involved in the other person’s business? Or maybe if we find ourselves saying “yes” or “no” more often than we really want to?
We can make boundaries too rigid where they get in the way of us having experiences or too soft, causing frustration. A boundary issue can be there in simple ways like over-sharing when it isn’t appropriate. Or expecting those closest to us to act or behave a certain way just because we have been around each other for so long. For example, “Of course they’ll stop what they’re doing to tend to my question immediately if I call from the other room.” In this pandemic when we’re home and together for so much time, this can be an easy one to relate to! Sometimes we get too comfortable and lose the distinction between ourselves and others.
Once you can identify the issue, try to:
Gently explore what your needs are and what gets in the way of expressing them. What’s it like to draw a line and name your needs?
Welcome whatever comes. It has insight and you have your own wisdom to take care of any fears that are there. What would you say from your years of experience in living to comfort those old fears?
Try expressing what you need from a place of kind, thoughtful intention. It will likely come out differently and not as rigid, angry, or demanding. I learned from Inner Relationship Focusing teacher Ann Weiser Cornell, to ask myself what I am saying “yes” to when I say “no.” Sometimes just sharing what we are saying “yes” to helps both of us connect to the healthy intention behind it and allows the other to relate.
Mindful awareness is at the crux of it all. The more awareness we have, the more we can slow our habitual reactions down. The more we can be present to what’s uncomfortable and take care of ourselves, the more we understand what we need. The more clear and loving our actions are and our relationships to all things will be.
Let’s celebrate mindful boundaries. When we slip or forget to check in with ourselves, feel that contraction of resentment, or when we cross others (as we surely will at times), we can repair and begin again. Without shame or guilt, but with insight and grace.
A new month is here, and spring is coming along with more vaccines. This is something to celebrate! Wishing you all a beautiful week.
Jean
