I finished facilitating three groups on this Monday morning and by the time I got to 12:30 I felt the exhaustion of a lifelong feeling of not being enough descend upon me. I know it well. We (this feeling and I) are on such familiar terms that there is no real intrigue at her arrival. No introductions are needed. She walks right in as if it is her house and plops her bags in a bedroom inferring that she's staying for a while.
I sat down at my desk and asked myself a familiar question. How would I know what enough is? What, for example, would be enough approval? What would be enough success? What would be enough money, love, friendship, beauty, strength, support, you name it? I appreciate the question because it asks me to get curious and not simply accept some preconceived or erroneous idea of what it is.
Nothing outside of me can define it, so I must.
How do I know that what I just offered in a group or a class or a private session is good enough? How would you know that your writing, your parenting, your work is enough? I could base it on the comments I get back. Someone says the workshop was helpful or that they feel more at ease or grounded. I could base it on people returning. I could base it on new people coming in. But sometimes, despite any or all of that, I can still doubt my worth. So that tells me it's not what's coming or not coming from outside, it's what I am giving myself from inside. It's like the soaker hoses people install in their gardens. You might not see it because it's buried just beneath the mulch, but it's slowly watering the plants. Our critic can be deceptively watering judgement into our soil causing our leaves to droop.
The only way out of this feeling that I know is to practice deliberate acts of self-kindness more often. What does that look like?
1. I can pause to acknowledge what I just accomplished and everything that went into my doing it. Rather than simply move on to the next task. I can let what I did digest and honor my effort, presence, courage, commitment -- whatever it took to do the thing, no matter what the thing was (large or small).
2. I can take in, with gratefulness, the positive feedback I did receive and not shrug it off, downplay it, or fail to hear it. When I neglect this feedback, I not only do a disservice to myself, but I reject the gift that is being freely given by someone and that is something I know I don't want to do. It doesn't feel good to the person and why would I deny myself their gift?
3. I can ask myself if what I gave was something that comes from a value of mine. Most likely it did. That alone lets me know that what I offered, and who I am in offering it, is enough. I can trust in that.
My invitation this week...whenever you sense the doubt of being enough, take out some paper and write, or talk aloud on these three prompts. Hear your own wise counsel and take refuge in knowing you are enough just as you are. Only you can define your worth.
❤️🙏
