Time & Space Are Always Available

 

This is the last Mindful Pause of 2022! One of the big realizations I had in reviewing my past year is that I have a lot more space in my life. A number of factors go into that. My kids are no longer little and don't need me in the same kinds of ways they used to. I no longer have my massage therapy practice and though I lead more groups, it leaves a handful of open hours in the week. The pandemic also made a seismic shift in reducing the pull to run around at the pace I used to. This was one of the upsides of it all -- it occurred to so many of us that we just don't need to be on the go so much. Thank goodness. Something feels simpler, but is it actually doing less that caused this? I'm beginning to understand that it might not be a matter of how much is in my schedule, rather how much is in my mind (and what is in my mind).

Space, quiet, and time are available right here, right now. When we choose to stay in the present moment more often, we find that the space we tend to be longing for is already here. We don't have to wait until we get on vacation, or get to a spa, to feel like we have time, space, and a chance at inner quiet. How do I know that to be true? All I need to do is take a period of meditation to see how it works.

Let's say we are practicing 15 minutes of meditation. We're following our breath and continually letting go of thoughts once we realize we have gotten swept up into them. What gradually happens is that our mind begins to rest from all its usual  busyness. We start to find micro-moments of space, of quiet, between our thoughts. It could just be seconds here and there that add up. It's not about stopping our thoughts altogether (if you can you probably wouldn't be reading this email and I might not be writing it), rather we rest a bit more as we stop reacting so quickly to every thought, feeling, and sensation that arises. This is what we find when we are committed to our practice.

Let's say we take the same 15 minutes of intended practice and we start writing our to do lists, planning dinner, replaying yesterday's conversation, with one thought leading to another, and we don't try to come back to the present. The same 15 minute sit, even though we became still and verbally quiet, doesn't feel the same. We feel busy and as if we did even more in our day. In fact, we did. We thought intensely for 15 minutes which is no different than physically running around. We might as well have run around and gotten things done! Or suppose we are driving a car and while we drive we are also planning, replaying, analyzing, etc. We are expending more effort, constricting the spaciousness of the moment by filling our minds at the same time. Of course we feel there is no time. Of course we feel tired.

So how do we create more spaciousness in our lives? We let our mind rest on what we are doing. If we are following our breath and being still in meditation, we just do that and when our mind wanders, we start again without judgement. Even just one moment in a 15 minute sit where we remember to let go and breathe makes a difference. It's not just in meditation. Meditation is simply the practice for being present in the rest of life. If we are making dinner, we just make dinner. If we are working, we just work on the task at hand. If we are listening to someone, we just listen. If we live like this, there is space. We don't have to run to some island or some retreat on a mountain. Don't get me wrong, tropical islands and mountain retreats are very nice, but they're not the primary answer to feeling relaxed and spacious in life.

So if you want more time. More ease. More quiet. More space in your life in 2023. Let your mind rest in the present. Driving from here to there, stop planning and see the blue sky. Putting the dishes away, stop worrying about the what-ifs and enjoy making space. Taking a shower, let go of that conversation that already happened and enjoy the warm water. Space is right here. No matter how full our schedule, we can simply do what we do as we do it and not rush to get to the next thing.

I'm aware that I am writing this at what often feels like a very busy time of the year. But that makes it even more clear. We always get to choose to create inner space and quiet.

Wishing a Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all of you who are celebrating this week. May your holidays feel spacious, light, and joyful.

🙏🌻

Jean 

Reflecting & Honoring

 

Yesterday, I began my yearly review.  At first, when I sat down, I felt that initial overwhelm. Despite doing this for years, I was not sure how to start or how to get through it. I took a breath, chose one area of my life, and went through my calendar. Suddenly it was all flowing. I wrote down all of my experiences over the past almost 12 months, along with the key words of what it took to do and/or what it brought me having gone through them. I revisited what was pleasant (the full return of my groups!) and what was unpleasant (an audit was in that mix) and everything in between. Every year the process strikes me with the same amount of awe. Wow, we humans go through a lot in a single year! Even if, at first, it feels daunting, I am always grateful I did the work of reflecting so thoroughly. It is a deeply life-honoring process.

This year I was aware of something that I often take for granted when I undertake this task. I realize that I see all of my experiences as valuable and worth reflecting on, even when I am dished something unsavory. I'm told that this isn't what everyone does. So much of this ability has come from years of mindfulness practice. I don't label any of my experiences as "bad." If I am writing about them as past experiences, it means that I got through it. "I'm still standing" as Elton John says. Not only am I still standing, but I have likely learned something in the process and I enjoy seeing what it is. This is what it means to be resilient, but it's also a way of seeing life in general. I don't think I was wired this way. So much of it was learned in my adults years.

I thought it could be helpful to name some of the mindfulness concepts that allow us to reflect on the large variety of experiences we go through without getting caught by the hard ones or overly attached to the nice ones. Whether you do a year review or not, practicing these principles can help make this every changing life more easy to ride. 

• Accepting that suffering is a part of life -- have no expectation that we "should not" suffer. Expect hard things to be on our yearly list. Joy is also a part of life and we can train ourselves to take in more of it.
• Recognizing that all things change. What feels pleasant and what feels unpleasant will change. We can name them and flow with them all.
• Remembering that we can't have one side without the other. In order to have right, we must have left. In order for there to be light, we must know dark. Everything belongs.
• All things are complex in that they are influenced by many other interconnecting factors and conditions that are also constantly changing. Rather than see things in black/white, we can choose to see with a broader, more open perspective, willing to allow for what we don't know and for the complexity of things. It's an easier way to go through life rather than cling to our narrow perspectives.
• Trusting that what we don't understand now will get more clear in time and not necessarily in the timeframe we would like. 
• Knowing, from all these years of experience, that we are always learning from our losses, failures, and mistakes and sometimes growth comes simply in learning to accept, to let go, to be reminded to appreciate the gifts we have now because they are impermanent.
• Relying on our training to be able to feel any feeling without needing to do something. The practice of staying and experiencing without rushing in is a powerful one. This allows us to review what went on and feel the feelings of certain events again and not get lost in them.
• Choosing to come from love, kindness, and compassion and know therein lies our power. No matter what happens on the outside, the inside is ours. No matter what went on in a year, we can always stay connected to what we value and let it guide us. 

Some people may ask, "isn't the practice of mindfulness and meditation about being in the present moment?" Purposeful reflection is very different than unconscious ruminating, rehashing, or getting stuck in the past. It's intentional, not something that takes us away. It gives us perspective -- the opportunity to step back and see what we probably couldn't see when we were in the middle of it and to grow in awareness, appreciation, and insight.

This week's pause is a simple reminder that only you can honor the fullness of your experiences. No one else can do it for you. Unless you receive an award or someone throws you a big bash and makes a speech about you, only you can give yourself that tribute. Take time in your day, week, month, or year and note all that your endured, created, celebrated, changed, let go, learned, started, completed, etc. All of it! Your life is worth honoring.

🙏🌻

Jean 

Thank YOU!

 

Dear Friends,

I'm sending a second email this week because the content deserves a space of its own -- a space to share my deep thanks for YOU.

I am gifted with seeing over 75 people each week in all the different meditations and groups at my studio and online. There are the numerous people who read my emails,  people I don't see. You all matter to me. You all make a difference. Though you may not see each other outside of what you do, I would love for you to know that you are part of something so much larger! I am well aware that without each one of you, the mindful community would not exist, and without everyone's generosity I could not be of service in the same capacity that I currently am. I feel blessed and I am so grateful. 

What I feel this Thanksgiving is the abundance that is made of YOU. I am always amazed by the courage I see in anyone who practices living with awareness,  mindfulness, the willingness to reflect, and the dedication to grow in presence.  

So thank you...
~ For allowing me into your minds, hearts, and bodies and for sharing with me
~ For forgiving my mistakes in speech and actions because I have surely made some
~ For having the courage to open, to be quiet & still, even with your to-do lists revving in the background and the voice in your head that tells you to "do" something
~ For allowing yourself the patience to listen to yourself & to others
~ For being willing to not know, to try on, to reflect, to be vulnerable, to be curious
~ For trying again and again when something matters to you, though it is hard
~ For recognizing when your perceptions & judgements are blocking love & understanding
~ For forgiving yourself
~ For remembering to see what is well and good and all the ways you are full
~ For your kindness and compassion 
~ For being your genuine self
~ For showing up

These are no small things, though we often forget to acknowledge them. These things you do nourish us all. Thank you.

As your presence fills me in ways I know and may not know, may you, too, feel full today and everyday from all you receive and give. May you be happy and healthy. May you be safe and may this holiday add warmth and love to your week.

🙏
Jean

What Do You Want To Bring To The Table?

 

My favorite holiday is upon us. For me, Thanksgiving feels devoid of some of the pressures other holidays can carry. It feels simply about the company we keep, the food we eat, and giving thanks. Not a bad combination. But, as with many holidays, there are relationships to navigate and even the best of them can be complicated. Buttons gets pushed. Many views get expressed. Simple ways of doing things like how to set the table, how to cut the turkey, or what time the meal should be served can cause small or large frictions. Of course they do! It's just the complexity of humans relating and having differing needs. My invitation in this week's Mindful Pause is to assist you in being aligned with what you value in order to be as you most want to be this holiday -- in your listening, speaking, and acting -- so that you can feel good.

When we are aware of what tends to happen inside of us when we are around certain friends or family, we have an opportunity to choose how we want to meet our next interaction. No matter what the other brings, we can set an intention to stay connected to what matters to us when we are in their company. But to do this, we have to practice it, imagine it, get close to it so that in the moment our heart is ready to respond from a place of genuine care and connection. 

To help set intentions, I welcome you to reflect on these questions before your holiday. You can do them as a journaling exercise or read them and close your eyes, come back to your breath, and feel into each question. Try to listen for your answer with your whole body, not just your intellect.

• How would you like to be in yourself this Thanksgiving? How do you want to meet it? What qualities or ways of being would you like to bring out in yourself that feel more true to you? Find words that resonate as you say them.
• What would help you to do that (in your body, with your emotions and thoughts, and in your actions)? You might first bring yourself there in your mind, with the people who will be there and feel what tends to go on (the energy, kinds of behaviors, conversations) and without needing to change any of that, what can you do to remind yourself to stay centered and grounded in your intention to meet this moment with the quality you said above? How would you embody what you value? For example, I know I need to slow my words down, feel myself breathing as I listen, feel the ground underneath me, let go of the need to control.
• Once you get a clear, felt picture (an image may come), breathe with it for a handful of breaths, savoring this way of being. Try it on again as many times as you want before the holiday and water those seeds in you.

When we talk about changing our habitual patterns of being with people, I think it can be a relief to know that though we aspire to be more present with ourselves and others, we don't have to get it "right." Don't look for perfect or to have a radically different experience, just shift slightly closer to who you really are.

That person you can imagine yourself being is who you are. We can easily get pulled into a forceful current of habit, history, and culture. It takes deep awareness, will, and care to not get sucked in. The fact that you care to do it differently is beautiful in itself. Even if you say the thing you wish you hadn't or you act in a way that doesn't feel like your true self, you can compassionately look back and reimagine what you could have said or done and know you can try again the next time. We retrain ourselves gradually over time. 

Wishing everyone a very happy Thanksgiving week.

🙏🌻
Jean 

Did You Leave Yourself?

Lately in my groups when we pair up to listen and share about an exercise, I’ll ask everyone to pause at some point and come back to their breath and notice if they “left themselves” when they were listening or speaking. Do you know how you can be in a conversation and not be very aware of your own body, feelings, needs or surroundings? It’s no easy task to stay present to ourselves or to the moment as we do anything. It becomes especially challenging to do when we add another living being to the mix! Being present to the other’s energy and needs while also present to our own can often be difficult to navigate. This is why mindful communication is a deep on-going practice. And, wow, does this world need more of it! The Buddha understood this which is why Right Speech is one of the practices on the Noble Eightfold Path. It’s called Right Speech, but Right Speech involves deep listening.

We live in a time when we have extensive technological means to communicate and yet people are lonely and deeply longing for meaningful connection. One way to improve connection with others is to first improve it with ourselves. We can pay attention to when we disconnect from ourselves as we listen and speak. By centering ourselves in our felt experience, we can reconnect and be more present to whatever is before us ( (i.e. a living being, an activity, nature).

This might sound counterintuitive. We can think that to be present to someone in communication is to put ourselves aside as we listen and only take in the other person. But there is another way and that is to be present to ourselves and the other at the same time. We don’t have to lose ourselves in the other in order to be present. In fact, when we do that, we often lose awareness, because we are hyper-focused. Our vision can narrow. We stop using all our senses and it can be harder to be authentic when we do respond because we are not listening to what is arising in ourselves that has valuable information.

It’s easy to think that mindful communication is all about our brain choosing the “right” words and reminding ourselves to pay attention, but it is so much more than an intellectual process. To be present requires our whole body because we are here in a body. We forget that we can listen, process, and speak with our whole body. When we do, we gain so much more information and insight. Here’s what I mean…

I can pay attention as I listen and become more aware of what's happening in my physical body. Am I starting to contract somewhere? Is my breath getting shallow? Is my heart beating faster? Am I leaning forward in anticipation, excitement, or in an effort to understand? Am I starting to feel heavy or tired, shutting down, or am I gaining energy and aliveness? Am I feeling more relaxed, at ease?

When I speak, am I sensing what it's like to say whatever it is I’m saying? Am I taking enough time to align my words to what I’m actually wanting to convey? Am I rushing to get words out because I think I need to have a quick, immediate response, or because someone else may jump in before I get a chance to say anything? Am I speaking just to speak, to take up space, or fill the gaps? Do I need to say what I am saying? Have I already said this many times, if so, what am I looking to get from it this time? We’re looking not for self-judgment, but awareness and the power to choose?

I know, for myself, when I am interacting socially, I can “leave myself” out of nervousness, when I don’t take my time, or when I feel rushed. If the talk is fast or loud, I might try to meet it with the same energy even though it doesn’t bring me a sense of connection, or leave me feeling fulfilled by the interaction. I leave myself when I think I need to plan a response, help, fix, or impress, rather than feel what just went on and wait and see what comes that feels authentic and meaningful. I leave myself when I am worried about being judged or when I start comparing myself. My go to when I start to feel this is to feel myself breathing and to sense the ground underneath me or my weight in my seat and to be aware and even let go of what’s contracting.

My invitation this week is to bring the same quality of attention to our speaking and listening as we do in sitting meditation. Slowing down to pause, sense, and feel what arises in the body, mind, and emotions, and then to choose what we say or don’t say. Most of the time, we will forget, or realize in retrospect what was going on, but that’s ok. We’re not looking for perfect, just micro-moments of awareness and deliberate choice in our communication. This way, we can avoid being swept up in a current, not aware of the feel of the water, what direction we are going, what we need, or if we even want to be in the water at all. It’s very powerful to be with ourselves and others in this way.

🍁
Jean 

Shifting Out Of Difficulty

 

At the end of a group session last week, a wise member said, "this is all great, but it only works if we do it." I couldn't agree more. It's true of everything we learn about living a mindful life. We ultimately have to do it. As another community member said, it takes will. I think we have to get to the place in our lives where that's what we truly want. We can't make it be there, but we can water it and the more we do, the more we realize that there is no turning back. To turn back would be to turn away from being present to this "one wild and precious life," as Mary Oliver so beautifully said. It would be to turn back to drama and the perpetuation of suffering. It would be to ignore our interconnection to each other and the earth. It would be to fall back asleep.

This week I want to share with you some questions we can ask ourselves to help us in any moment of difficulty to move toward a lighter place. In order for these questions to be beneficial we first need to allow ourselves to feel the pain or difficulty and meet ourselves with kind and compassionate energy. From there we can then ask these questions to create a shift. You can apply one or all of them. I find them helpful to either talk aloud or to journal on.

• What are some possible upsides or positive outcomes of this that I have not been seeing yet? (This requires us to step back and into our higher/wiser self).

• What else is true about this that could bring goodness? Most likely I have only been seeing in a limited way and not all of what is true. For example, "he said something that I don't like, but that doesn't negate all these other good things he's said and done."

• What can I be grateful for in this situation given that it is here? To do this first requires accepting the situation as it is, not as we want it to be. 

• This hardship may be here, but what else is here this day/week/month/year that has brought me joy? Doing this, we recognize that this one thing is not "all of me."

• Visualizing good moments from the past – call up the specific place, sensations, feelings and revisit the moment to water joy when our tank feels low. Not to escape, but to replenish and be reminded that there is more than this hardship.

Facing anything difficult this week? Give these a try and let me know how it goes.  These won't bring immediate joy, but they shift us from a place of negativity to more possibility and openness. Remember, "it only works if we do it."

🍁
Jean 

Making It Real

 

The more time I spend in this vocation of teaching and facilitating meditation and mindfulness, the more I am feeling the deep desire to make it more real -- by that I mean to put it to work more consciously, more of the time. To read about living a mindful life can be inspiring and there is value to it because we need reminders, but its true value is in how it effects the way we live -- how we think, speak, and act. We only find this out if we practice it and then apply it. Meditation instruction is only useful when we sit down and meditate. Mindful listening or speech is only helpful if we apply it to our everyday conversations. Mindful consumption is only beneficial if we make choices right now with awareness. Joy only comes when we see the good and take it in and be aware of the endless desire to have the next thing filled. How do we do this? I mean how do we really do this mindful living?

There is only one way -- we make choices throughout the day to do it. Of course, not every single thing we think, say, or do is going to be mindful, but unless we make some inner commitment to apply it, we won't see our habitual reactivity change. To practice it, we need to choose the places, people, moments where we are going to be more conscious. It's a question of waking up. We have to want to do it. It's one of the reasons I made A Mindful Life -- groups where we do interact and we try on non-habitual ways of listening, speaking, and acting. To meditate by ourselves is not enough. To bring the concepts to life, we need to do just that -- bring it to the life we have with others. It can be uncomfortable and it takes vulnerability. It takes recommitting to it every day and allowing ourselves to begin again, more often than not. There is no one thing that is going to suddenly make us mindful, no book, podcast, talk, retreat, rather it is our dedication in applying the tools everyday that does it. 

At this point in my life, mindful consumption feels easier; letting go of tension in my body feels easier; being able to drop into the present moment feels easier; being still is easy, and I know those didn't just come, but took practice. The practice that feels like the biggest challenge now is communicating mindfully. More often than I'd like to admit, I find myself saying the thing I wished I hadn't, especially to those closest to me -- reacting habitually when my emotions are heightened. I am aware that only I can make that change and if I want to, which I really do, then I have to bring more conscious attention to each moment when I am interacting. It's just like exercise. Thinking about exercising or having knowledge does little. It's in the act of doing it that makes it useful. It also requires letting ourselves fail again and again, forgive, and begin again.

My message this week, to myself and to anyone who finds it helpful, is to make a commitment to some aspect of living mindfully and make it real by doing it. Rather than generalized mindfulness, we can get specific. What might that look like? Here are some ideas. You can choose them all, or pick one for the week and add on another next week. Don't look for perfect, but do it. 

~ At the start of the day, meditate. It doesn't matter if you only have 5 minutes. Spend those minutes in concentrated practice. Be still, quiet, and stop doing.

~ Think through the people you are likely to interact with today and decide that you want to listen more, or let there be more silences and pauses before speaking and responding. Choose one conversation if that helps. Water those seeds one conversation at a time.

~ Check in with yourself as you consume anything through your mouth, your ears, your eyes, your skin. Is it nourishing? If it isn't, what choice could you make? Even if you are in midstream, you can change your mind. How empowering is that! 

~ Try doing something in your day at a slower pace than you may normally do it. Feel yourself breathing as you do it.

~ Tune into your body at different moments of the day and see where you are holding more tension or using more effort than you need in that moment and let go what you can.

~ Take micro-moments of being present here and now sensing yourself in the moment -- hearing, seeing, touching, feeling the moment just as it is, just as you are. Small moments where you are not somewhere else in your mind.

We are what we think, say, and do. What do you choose to do today so you can be the person you want to be? Not to improve yourself, or to be perfect, but to live in a way that makes you feel as beautiful as you are.

A Tool To Use With Uncertainty

We know that everything is constantly changing. The fall shows us this in colorful detail. Some changes, like the beauty of the colors, or the refreshing shift in temperature, clothes, and routines, feel good, but the reality of impermanence can often be unnerving for us human beings. While learning to flow with change is a life-long practice, there is something we can do to help us lose some of the natural tension that arises from it. I offer this tool in my A Mindful Life groups and I want to share it with everyone else, too, because I find it comforting and why not add some comfort to our lives. Like the rocks in this photograph I took in Maine, where the rocks seem placed to gently direct the flow of water, we too, can control the input of stress that change can have on us by asking a very simple question...

This exercise can be done with a partner and said aloud, or it makes a simple journaling prompt at the start of a day, or whenever you experience a feeling of being unmoored. If you do it with a partner, you might want to close your eyes so you can go inside and search without distraction and all your partner needs to do is hold the space. There is something about saying it aloud and finding what you discover before a witness that can deepen the experience. Your partner gets the added benefit of being comforted by hearing what you say, too.

Exercise:
Today I can rest in knowing...
~ Set a timer for 4 minutes
~ Start with the prompt: Today I can rest in knowing...
~ Wait and name the first thing that comes. Anything from: my refrigerator has food in it; my family and I are healthy right now; my car works; my colonoscopy came back clear; I have enough to pay the bills today; the sun is shining; the rain is nourishing the plants. Anything that, for right now, is true that you can take comfort in. Only say it if it truly brings you some comfort in recognizing it. It should feel genuine and specific to the moment you are in. This is not generalized gratitude for anything. 
~ After you name the first one, take a pause to take it in and let yourself rest in this awareness for a moment before moving on. Let a breath come, a smile, or some letting go in your shoulders or your gut. And then say the refrain again: today I can rest in knowing... Continue with the prompt slowly until the timer goes off.
~ When the timer goes off, see how it feels to rest in all of these things of the present moment. If you did it with a partner, your partner can feel what it's like too, and then you can switch and take in even more comfort in listening.

Yes, change can be hard, but if we slow down and look deeply, there is always something we can take comfort in. I wish you all a beautiful week and for anyone celebrating Rosh Hashanah, I wish you a sweet and happy new year.

🌻
Jean 

Being With The Current Of The Breath

I know these are only emails, but in making the switch to write these Mindful Pauses every two weeks, I'm aware that I have missed connecting. That's a nice thing to miss! I hope September is off to a good start for everyone. I am excited to get back into some routines myself and being back with my weekly groups this week is part of that. What routines are feeling good to you as September begins?

What has been inspiring me so far this month is quite literally what inspires life in us -- the breath. Inspiration and expiration -- this wonderful mechanism of being alive and one of the guiding tools of meditation. What I'm not going to do is give you breathing exercises or tell you to take more deep breaths. I''m not going to tell you how to breathe "well" or what not to do. What I am interested in is much more subtle and gentle.

There is so much we have to organize and take charge of in life, but the beautiful thing about the breath is that we don't have to organize it or control it. The breath breathes us and we get to follow. What a relief! To not have to be the leader, but simply to follow and trust. The breath is a faithful companion. As long as we are alive, it is there for us to experience. It may change in depth and tempo, but it is there for us to tune into whenever we want. The power of dropping into its rhythm, its current, lies in how it slows us down, makes us more present and steady. If you sense your in-breath and out-breath and stay with it as you do anything, it is likely you will do it differently. 

Sometimes the idea of following the breath is misconstrued and it can sound like something bigger than it is. In reality though, it is subtle, just a quiet listening and sensing. My invitation this week is to do what I often say when I give an exercise in A Mindful Life -- find the rhythm of your breathing and let your awareness of it be there in the background. Essentially, be aware of the undercurrent of your breath as you do anything in your daily life. Come in and out of the current throughout the day. Whether you are taking a shower, getting dressed, emptying the dishwasher, driving, working on the computer, etc. Especially tune into it when you are listening to someone and when you are talking. It changes everything because we are more conscious of what we are doing as we do it and we slow down, giving us more space to be mindful of our thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. We end up giving other people space and our deeper presence, too.

How do you follow the breath? What helps me is to close my eyes just for a moment so I can listen and I wait. I wait to feel the inhale begin and then feel the exhale and wait again until I feel the next inhale. There is nothing to make happen. I find its song and follow and then go about whatever I am doing still aware of the soft in/out, still aware of the rise and fall. It is actually soothing to follow it, like watching soft waves rolling. I can't keep it non-stop, but I can return as much as I want. If I begin my day with it, I am more likely to revisit it, which is why a morning meditation practice helps me set the tone of the day. Even just a few minutes.

Start simple. Pick one easy task and follow your breath as you do it, then let it go and come back to the breath again with another task you do. Drop in and out of the breath's current and see how it feels over the course of the week to bring more attention to it. 
🌻
Jean

The Way Forward

 

I love views like this one -- a straightforward path that appears to have no end. It captures the continuous nature of a way forward that is known and unknown at the same time. Standing here in Montauk on Saturday night as the day was coming to a close, I felt summer winding down and the expanse of a new season and all its potential ahead. This is another interim time where we can digest what we have just experienced and listen to what we want to call forth as fall gradually enters the stage.

Maybe the emergence of fall begins a time for you where routines find their place or where you move into a different gear? Or, maybe not much changes in your daily routine, but you feel some natural shift inside emerging, whatever the shift may be. If you didn't get to attend my end of summer workshops last week, I'll leave you with one of the prompts. How do you want to meet this fall? Whatever we may feel about the season itself (positive, negative, mixed, neutral, anything in between), we get to choose what energy we want to bring to it, what we want to lean toward, and what matters most to us in this next chunk of time we get the privilege of experiencing.

My invitation this week is to pause and ask yourself these questions: 

~ How do I want to meet this fall? With what energy, feeling, way of being?
~ What matters most to me in these next few months?

You can journal on it, or just close your eyes and ask the questions and wait to see what feels true in response. You'll know because you'll feel a sense of "yes, that's it." Avoid giving a giant bucket list or overshooting with so much that sounds good, but is too tall an order to actually fill. Get to the core energy you want to bring to whatever may come and the core feeling of what matters most this particular season. Feel free to write to me with what you find. I am happy to be a witness. Or, share it with your partner, friend, close family member.

Wishing you all a beautiful close to these summer weeks.
🌻
Jean

Working With Anxiety

 

This week's A Mindful Pause was shared on Sunday night in my talk (hence its length). You can listen to the recorded talk here, but I wanted to include it in written form so that you could come back to the ideas easily.  

The fall is coming. Leaves are falling with some yellow and red speckled here and there. The fall usually comes with a shift in our behaviors; we tend to get busier in a different kind of way than in summer. One of the things that can happen when I get busier is that my anxiety levels rise a bit. It can also happen when there is too much time on our hands, but I thought this might be a good time to talk about how we can use mindfulness and Buddhist teachings to help us with anxiety. If you're not feeling particularly anxious in this month of August, as I am not particularly anxious right now, it can be a great time to do this work of exploring and reinforcing what we can rely on when we do find ourselves in an anxious state. 

As I thought about applying the principles of mindfulness and Buddhism to anxiety, I noticed that these three beliefs tend to go with an anxious mind state, 1) the false idea that we are in control and are failing at it, 2) the false idea that things are permanent and fixed, and 3) the belief that we are separate from what’s going on, independent of what’s around us (which reinforces the idea that we are in control; this way of thinking can also have us believe that things are happening to us, rather than see the larger picture of our connection to all of what is manifesting).

To make this more concrete, I will use an example. If I were to have a health issue going on, I could fall prey to the false idea that I control everything that happens in my body. I can start to believe that my body is not supposed to change, get old, grow unwanted things. I could forget to see that my health is intertwined with much more than me. Genes have been passed down. There are environmental conditions to consider, as well as my emotional well-being which effects my health. My emotional health involves a huge host of complicated factors and conditions that extend beyond me. I am part of a large ecosystem of life.

The teachings on no-self (no-separate self), impermanence, and inter-being (interconnection) can help us loosen the grip of anxiety. The hardest part of these concepts is remembering them in the moment, but that’s why we talk about them again and again. We can make them more and more accessible by bringing them into our everyday life and practice seeing them daily. We can go out the door remembering impermanence. Everything here is changing. I can brush my hair and recognize that it is impermanent. As I walk out my front door and look at the blue flower pots on either side of the steps, I can notice the flowers that have wilted and are falling back into the soil and the ones just blooming. I can remember inter-being by looking at my food and my body and see how they inter-are (as Thich Nhat Hanh has taught so well). The food I eat is what I am made of and what I send back into the earth. Made largely of water, I can see the rain and know the water inside of me is the same. As I drive to an appointment, I can notice myself getting frustrated at hitting every red light and see my desire to control. Or, when the store is out of the yogurt I want, or my kids or my spouse aren’t doing what I think they should be doing I can smile at my  wanting things to go the way I want them to and release it. Every time I buy something, I can think about what impact it is having –- what it supports, what it may take away from, what it nourishes in me or in others, or not. Awareness, awareness, awareness. It is what will liberate us.

Seeing no-self, impermanence, and inter-being in our daily lives…making it a regular part is one way we can move away from rigidity and soften, helping to loosen the grip of anxiety. No big deal, just regular, daily practice.

But, in a state of anxiousness itself, what we can practice are the four brahma-viharas: love, compassion, joy, and equanimity. I suggest we put them into a practical  exercise we can use. With anything that you may be feeling anxious about, ask yourself these four questions. They can be meditated upon. Just take one at a time, ask the question and wait. See what comes and slowly repeat back what you hear. Listen with your whole being, not just your intellect. There may be more than one response for each question. Or, it can be done as journaling prompts.

1. How can I bring love into this situation? What would meeting it with loving energy look like?

2. How can I bring compassion into this situation? Compassion for myself, the other, and the whole situation. And compassion for anyone else also experiencing this, because I am surely not the only one.

3. How can I find joy in this situation? This can be more challenging with something difficult, but gratefulness feels like a simple way to access joy. What about this can I feel gratitude around? (For example, with a health issue, it could be grateful for the care I am receiving, or for the medicine we have, or the support of others along the way, or thanks to myself for doing what I need to take care of myself -- having the courage to take care of what's here).

4. How can I see this issue with greater equanimity? See it as it really is and not add onto it (judgements, assumptions about it). Not make it something that shouldn't be here.

Spending time to contemplate these questions can open our way of seeing and get us out of a narrow perspective that tends to cause suffering. Maybe we can't get rid of our anxiety altogether, but we can lessen it and take care of it.

Since we are of the nature to forget all these tools we know, I welcome you to refresh yourself whenever you need. Save this email, find it on my blog, or in my talks. I need remembering, too.

🌻
Jean

If I Want To Meditate, Why Don't I?

 

How many of you identify with this question? You don’t need to be sold on why meditation is helpful or even taught how to do it, and even though when you do practice you feel so much better, the seemingly simple act of stopping and getting quiet on a regular basis doesn’t happen.

Do some of these rationales for putting off practice sound familiar? Let me just get to those dishes first. I really have too much to do this morning; I’ll get to it later today. I’ll do it in a second, I just want to check Instagram for a minute (which turns into 30 minutes at which time you have to be somewhere). I feel too anxious to sit still today. Let me just check in with a friend/family member by phone and then I’ll do it (but that takes up time that doesn’t feel “productive” and so now you really need to do something “productive,” not meditate). My mind is too busy right now. I can’t take that much time for myself right now. Work can’t wait. Though the practice is built into most of my days with my groups and classes, I still know what I can say and do that keeps me from meditating. What helps make it something we do consistently because we want to? Here are some thoughts for you…

Sunday night, in a technically botched evening meditation, I suggested something that may help with our perspective, which is to view meditation as a mini-vacation for the mind and body. It’s a break from constantly thinking, doing, fixing, grasping, pushing away, rehashing, adding onto— all the things we could do with the thoughts that arise, with the feelings that surface, with the sensations that we feel. Instead, it’s a time when we get to simply “be” and observe. Not anything more. The mind that observes the mind is spacious and relaxed. The mind that observes the mind doesn’t have to work hard. 

Meditating becomes difficult or effortful when we evaluate what arises as good/bad, right/wrong or when we add onto what arises. Of course then it doesn’t feel like a break. For example, if a conversation from yesterday arises in my mind as I meditate and I start berating myself or someone else for what was said. Or, if I start thinking about something that is coming up and begin to worry about what might happen. Or, if I drift into a stream of nebulous thoughts and hear a voice that says, “I’m wasting my time here.” All of these judgements and add ons are not going to feel great. Why would we want to meditate? But, it doesn’t have to be this way if we can remember to give ourselves full permission to meet ourselves as we are and not need to do something. We can observe our experience of ourselves and of what is around us with greater equanimity and that is a relief. It brings spaciousness and ease. 

My invitation this week is to dive more deeply into equanimity as you practice. See if it allows you your body and mind to have a break and if that break is worth your time. Here is an example of what that might look like. I start by following my breath. I might name what I sense in the present moment – inhaling, exhaling, birds over there, cars going by, the air on my skin, breathing in, breathing out, people in the distance, footsteps upstairs. Sooner or later, when I notice I have drifted off in thought or have been absorbed in a feeling or sensation, I might say, “this thought, letting go of anything I am attaching to this thought.” Or “this feeling, letting go of anything I am attaching to this feeling. This sensation, letting go of anything I am attaching to this sensation.”  It’s like sitting on a park bench and watching the different characters stroll by without having to react to them. When we do this, we water the seeds of acceptance, of kindness, of grounding, of non-attachment (letting go), of accepting impermanence, of deepening presence. There is no pressure, no fight, no defending, no problem.

If bringing more equanimity to your practice doesn’t entice you to practice more steadily, I have included other basic tips to create the routine you want below. Most importantly, remember that you get to design the way you move through your experiences, whatever they may be and whatever the conditions are around you. This is empowering to come back to when it comes to developing our habits. The habits that make your life happier, healthier, more peaceful are worth spending time on. You are worth spending time on.

🌻

Jean

Chasing Sunsets

We just returned from vacation and I feel refreshed and happy to begin again. I can’t say it was restful, but it was replenishing. My friend and I went back and forth on how there are all kinds of vacations and I think it is helpful to recognize. Some bring rest, some bring excitement, some bring action, inspiration, or connection. If we expect it to be all things we can run into disappointment. This vacation was just what I needed it to be.

On this trip, I came to understand just how much my kids like tradition. Maybe it's our non-traditional family that draws them to want to repeat experiences, return to familiar places, honor the same rituals. Or maybe all kids do? I don't mind. Life asks us to stretch in so many other ways, maybe it's okay for things like vacations to be familiar. How else do you get to know the family owned restaurant in town, the climbing instructor who you trust your life with, the pond that's safe to swim great distances in, the rock that you can jump from, the best place to get lobster rolls, and the walks where not many people will be?

I try my best to give everyone some of what they want on vacation. My daughter loves sunsets and sunrises. To fill that place of awe in her, I chose an evening to go to a quiet place on Mt. Desert Island where we could catch it. We arrived early and walked onto the dock, taking some photos as we waited. This boat pictured above was what caught my eye. At 7:47, the time the sun was predicted to set, the sky was pretty, but not spectacular. Everyone was chilly (believe it or not with this heat wave going on) and they were ready to leave and have the dinner that was waiting back at the cottage. I surrendered my wish to have them awed and chalked it up to a night without a stunning sunset. As we drove back, I noticed the sky to my left was now lit up in shades of pink, but  we no longer had the view as the trees were taking the best seats. It turned out we were just too early.

And the night before…we were too late. We were driving when we saw a bit of the stunning sky, but we couldn't pull over. We kept driving in a hurry to find another opening among the trees and mountains and chose the high school as our spot. The kids asked us to stop the car and they started running toward the field. Mike and I drove around to the other side of the school where upon finding a better view, we hurried back to get the kids and bring them there. The scene was comical. Kids and a car chasing the sunset. The light was changing by the second and by the time we got out, we clearly missed the best of it.

Sure enough on our last night, Mike and I went out to pick up food and on the way home, the most unbelievable sunset was lighting up the lake. Another "pull over, pull over!" ensued and I ran across the street to capture it for Ella. This time, I did.

Sometimes we arrive at things too early, sometimes too late, and sometimes right on time. All of it is amazing because it is all fleeting. Things arise and they fade away. If they didn't change, if they were permanent, like plastic, we wouldn't have anything to get excited about. We would rarely feel a sense of awe. We need change and impermanence to fall in love. Again and again. 

On the surface, our yearly vacation hasn’t changed much in years. It isn't exotic. It doesn't make us more "worldly." But every year, I am aware that my kids are no longer the same and because of that, this yearly tradition of going to Maine is always changing, always a new experience. The impermanence of our age and of this time with the ones we love makes it all unique and special. When we remember this, we realize that we don’t need a lot of original experiences or excitement to be content, to be amazed by life, to be happy. It is always rich and the impermanence of it, chasing the sunset, is what makes it even more so.

🌻

Jean

Anchored In Love

 

On Friday, I had one of those moments that will forever stay imprinted on my brain. I had just driven 3 hours to pick up my daughter from a two-week Appalachian Trail hiking trip. She had never done something like this and no cell phones were allowed (yay!) so I had no idea how the trip went. She's also a teenager, which means I have low expectations for the kind of hellos and goodbyes we might receive. I parked the car at the high school pick up spot and started to walk across the parking lot searching for which group she might be clumped together with, when suddenly I see her running toward me across the field of grass with her arms open and a huge smile on her face. I got the biggest hug I think I ever received from her. She is NOT a touchy feely person. I'm not sure there is a better feeling than the one I experienced in that moment. Since then, every time I revisit the moment, a huge smile beams across my face.

As we drove home, once we exhausted what there was to know about the trip and what she had missed at home (not much), I found myself noticing the surprise I felt at being loved and wondering why being loved continues to surprise me. This is not new. I seem to forget or not fully believe that I am loved. For me, it takes a lot of self-work to trust it. Even here, with my own daughter, I saw just how vulnerable my faith in being lovable is. I know that may sound sad. But after decades of inner looking, I know why it's there and so it doesn't feel so sad because I know it's not "true," just something that needs reinforcement. It also doesn't sadden me because I know that this is not only my experience, but many others also experience this slippery relationship to feeling anchored in love. I do the best I can to not let it get in the way of my close relationships because it is such a drag to love someone and have them not trust in it.

So what helps me to trust in love? It takes the steady presence of someone. People who repeatedly come close in one moment and go away in another, for no obvious reason, are not great matches for me. That's what I need from "the other," but then there is what I need from myself which is my own love. It's been a slow process, this learning how to love myself, but I do now. Of course I have my moments where my inner critic gets too loud, but for the most part, I look in the mirror and I like who I see. How could I possibly trust in the love of another if I didn't have my own love? How could I love another and let them be free if I didn't have my own love?

I used to think that learning to love myself was the only key needed. I now understand that we need two. We need our own deep affection and we need the steadiness of someone else, especially if it felt unknowable as a child (for whatever reason that may be). In my 20's, I remember one of my first therapists saying I needed to learn to love myself. I knew she was right and I found it frustrating because I didn't understand how to do that. It didn't come overnight and I now understand that it's a lifelong process of watering those seeds.

My invitation for this week is to practice anchoring in love. What does that mean? Here are some practices that help me:

• I thank my body regularly for all it does for me.
• I let myself pause and rest before I get to the place of "too much."
• I take a moment to honor the work and effort I put into something so that I don't roll onto the next thing without saying, "thanks."
• I look into the mirror at my face every night and see the beauty of a vulnerable human being and I smile at her. I see the young girl in myself and my heart softens toward her.
• I remind myself to stay connected to those I love. It takes conscious doing and opening.
• When I doubt love, I stop and ask, "is it true?" I wait for my higher self to respond. She tends to see more clearly.
• I remember that I am part of a giant web of interconnected life. I am more than this body. This person who I identify as "me" is not separate from anything or anyone and, with that understanding, I love more easily because there is not much to be afraid of if I am part of it all.
• I remember that to love is a choice and there is nothing to lose when it is given freely. At the same time, I don't bother trying to love someone who gives and retracts their love often. I can still show love and care without incurring the pain of not knowing what I will get or in the hope that "this time they will stay."  

You may have more ways of anchoring in love and I welcome you to share them with me. If you struggle with it, reach out, and we can see what would help to make the love you have stick.

🌻
Jean

A Mindful Life In Micro-Moments

 

Do you sometimes feel like you're not doing a great job living a mindful life? What does living a mindful life look like? What does it really look like? Stock images of people meditating can have it appear oh so simple and graceful. The image of someone sitting perfectly upright, aligned, appearing effortless, calm, at ease, and of course, in a beautiful setting, is not what I, generally, know of it. I have meditated in some very beautiful places, but even if I got that part of the picture right, I don't think I imbue what I see in these model meditators or a serene Buddha statue. My hair is a little off, my clothes a bit sloppy, my body a little more full than the people in the pictures, and if I'm outside (like most of these photos), I'm trying hard not to swat at the flies or mosquitos. A mindful life is not so perfect. Thank goodness. This means we can all live it.

For this reason, today I want to encourage the micro-moments of practice that add up to make a truly mindful life. In my mind, a mindful life (or call it a life of grace) involves presence (being in the moment), gratefulness (appreciating what's here), compassion (being able to be with suffering), joy (feeling connected), letting go (remembering impermanence), and the awareness that we are all connected to everyone and everything that is, was, and will be. Sounds like a tall order, but it's really not because we practice in small ways everyday and those micro-moments combined are what make a life a mindful one. We don't have to become something we are not. No huge transformations required. Here are some ideas of what it looks like:

• Meditate daily. This is really not a be a big deal if we don't make it one. It's not mystical or magical. We don't need to set up a special room or get ourselves ready to do it. Keep it simple. Set a timer or show up to a group and practice every day. If all you have is 5 minutes, great. Just do it and make it a habit like brushing your teeth. Those 5, 10, 20 minutes add up and contribute to how present you are in the rest of what you do.
• Bring your attention to your senses in small moments throughout the day. Feel the touch of the silverware as you empty the dishwasher. Hear the sounds of the gravel under your foot. Feel the water on your hands. Stop and smell a flower or the scent of wet trees after a rain. Feel yourself breathing at a stop light, as you listen to your friend, as you wait on line. Practice being present in micro-moments and you will find there is more time, space, and more to enjoy. 
• When you wash your face at night or take a shower, as you touch the different parts of your body, say thank you. Thank you to these arms, these legs, this skin, this back, these eyes for all they do. Without this body, we can't experience this life. No one else will thank your body for all it does, for putting up with all the demands and criticisms we have of it. It does everything it can to heal and keep us going. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." 
• Make note of what was good in the day, of what you created in the day, of what you received in the day. You can change the wording around like I just did to keep it fresh, but no matter what way you phrase it, it gets to the point of seeing goodness and appreciating. Make a note of the feeling behind each thing you name because that's what gratefulness feels like. It's not the thought, but the feeling that matters. And note just how much goes into what you named -- all of the people, resources, elements, conditions that came together for any of it to be. This reminds us of our interconnection. When we remember we are connected we tend to be kinder, more generous, more forgiving. It also reminds us just how incredible this all is. 
• Having a hard moment? Something doesn't go the way you had hoped or expected? Someone says something that rattles you? Feeling the stress of too much of something or too little of something? Witness someone else or a group having a hard time? Bring in compassion. It's that simple. Don't push the pain or upset away; don't even try to fix anything just yet. Recognize suffering with a tender heart and be kind. Start simply. Feel the pain and form a phrase of loving-kindness. "May I have peace of mind. May I have relief. Or may he/she/they be gentle with themselves. May they feel loved." Whatever phrase brings relief, offer it up. Hard moments don't need to be met with more hardness. 
• Feel yourself trying to control a situation? These are good moments to remember that all things change. Let it go. Easier said than done, but start with simple things. Someone cuts you off, let it go. Forgot to do something, let it go. Your appointment gets canceled, let it go. Newly washed car gets pooped on, let it go. Start small and practice releasing the things that, in the big picture, don't matter so much (at the end of your life you won't care). When we let ourselves find more flexibility with the small stuff, when the larger things happen, we have more resiliency, more faith, more understanding that this, too, will change.

We can't fail at mindfulness.It would be kinder to think less of seeing some grand change, but instead, allow ourselves to fill our days with micro-moments of presence, gratefulness, compassion, connection, and letting go and this is a "perfect" picture.

Wishing you a beautiful week.

Finding The Past In The Present

 

This writing is adapted from the talk given on Sunday, July 10, 2022. If you prefer to listen, you can find the recording here.

In mindfulness meditation, we talk about staying in the present moment, but what we know is that our minds, more often than not, bring us to the past, the future, or somewhere in our imagination. The focus of this talk is on the past.

A few weeks ago, my son and I took an excursion back to my hometown on the North Shore of Long Island. It is a place that is embedded in my memory as being one of the most beautiful places to live. As we made the tedious drive there from NJ, I wondered whether it would be as magical as my 15 year old mind, the age when my family moved from there, remembered it to be. As we pulled off the LI Expressway and found our way to the village of Laurel Hollow, it was indeed as idyllic as I had remembered.

I pulled down the quiet lane where we lived and it was hard not to be overwhelmed with the memories of the landscape I loved and wished we had never left. We drove the two miles from our old house to the town beach, a ride we would take on our bikes as kids. My son, seeing that the ride was a slight decline, asked if we had to peddle back uphill the whole way on the return. We did. It always felt exhausting and endless. Then he said something that surprised me, he said, "no wonder you love Maine, Mom." I never put it together. Mount Desert Island in Maine, the summer place I have been going to for the past 10 years, has many of the qualities like this area of Long Island without the mountains. But Maine, unlike Long Island, isn't drenched in childhood memories. It is a place of newer memories. A place where I found myself again. A place that is mine, unadulterated by the past. 

When we returned, I had to let this excursion digest for two weeks. Going "home," even to a place without the people there, isn't always easy. I felt how much of my current being is still wrapped up in the past and being there made it all so clear. The things I struggle with as an adult are woven into this place. Threads of belonging, money, beauty, privilege, longing, loneliness, and the goals, desires, struggles of my parents all woven into a thick tapestry that has influenced everything I have become.

This experience of returning threw me into a whirlpool of emotions that I thought I was done with. Memories, and the feelings they evoke, don’t work that way. We don’t get to choose to be done with them. We get to respond to them differently as we mature even if, at first, they dredge up those old responses. When we got back, I had to let them raise turmoil running in circles amok inside until they were ready to quiet down again. The whole experience was clarifying. I got to hear myself say, “well off course you struggle with these issues still!” I was able to be on my side in recognizing that there are reasons behind the places I continue to get stuck. At some moment in the week, in speaking with a family member about it, he said something and it was as if a bell of mindfulness went off reminding me of who I am now and what my values are now and suddenly the conflict I had with the past that had gotten dredged up quieted. 

Memories are charged. They have a volt of electricity behind them that inevitably causes a reaction. Some memories we simply want to close the door on. They are usually ones that have shame circling around them. As Brené Brown explains so well, shame likes secrecy. It gets stronger the more we stuff it down. Mindfulness teaches us that we don’t have to do that. We can make room for the difficult past experience and not judge it and not add onto it, but breathe with it and offer compassion for the hard feelings that come forth. We can recognize that other people also have this experience and we can offer compassion for this collective experience of being human. This moves it away from being a personal attack to a basic experience of living that we all share. The specifics may look different, but we all suffer; we all experience joy; we all want to be happy and loved and safe.

In my story, I chose to go to the past, well aware that I would be facing many feelings. I was surprised at how powerful they were, but going there was intentional. When we meditate and the past comes up -- when we start rehashing a conversation, when we replay a scene, it’s often unintentional. Or in our daily life, when this happens, we start ruminating and we stop being present. On the other hand, when we reflect, we are choosing to go over something with awareness. This is what makes reflection different than unconsciously ruminating. Reflection is not something that takes over, but something we decide to pay attention to with care in order to gain insight. Looking into our past has value when we look with curiosity and with kindness, seeing beyond what happened, to what we learned, possibly to find forgiveness, or to see more clearly. 

My son and I had a great day. I showed James a bit of where he came from. In going back with him, my guess is that he understands me a bit more. This is the gift of being able to go to the past – to understand more now. The past makes up who we are, but the present is who we choose to be. 

Certain seasons, holidays, places, objects, smells can cause memories to arise and when we stop and are still in meditation, the past is sure to resurface. What we do is practice observing it without getting caught in the web. In the present moment, observing the past. It is a very powerful ability because we look from the person we are now.

The next time you are in meditation, or at any moment in the day, notice when you find yourself going over something that is behind you and lean in. Step out of the thought and get curious about the feeling that comes with it, the reaction you have to it, what you are adding onto it. Then, let the judgment go, let the reactivity go and breathe with what’s here now as you behold it’s aliveness in you.

🌻
Jean

What Does It Mean To Be Productive?

 

Over the past couple of weeks the A Mindful Life community has been exploring two themes, productivity and procrastination -- cousins of sorts, and what an interesting exploration it has been. We've held questions like what does it mean to be productive? What does it feel like? What qualifies any action as being a "productive" one? And what's underneath productivity's opposite (or maybe its nemesis?), procrastination, and avoiding what's here? It's been a worthwhile investigation as it debunks many ideas we have on these subjects which, left unexplored, awaken our self-critic. One thing they both need is our kindness and care. 

One of the very revealing comments that came out of the exploration on productivity is that people feel productive when their body is exhausted or when they feel spent. Do we need to get to that point in order to feel we have been productive? When I asked the bigger question -- what truly makes an action/activity a productive one, very different answers came. Rather than checking things off a list or feeling "in control," these answers universally tapped into what really matters to us, to what we value. They were less concerned with what we can cross off, how much we accomplished, or what credit we received. It was quite beautiful to hear what people shared. It felt kinder, wiser, more loving.

At the end of our life, we won't be asking, "did I check everything off my to do list everyday, or did I achieve some position, or make enough money, or travel to all the right places?" I doubt it will matter so much.  When we notice ourselves judging our productivity in a day, a week, or year, it could be a good moment to change our way of evaluating to a more sophisticated one that asks, "in what ways did I cultivate what I believe matters most?" For example, if what matters most is presence, kindness, connection, generosity, healing, ask yourself what you did that was motivated from those places and see what you name. They are not often the big displays, but the smaller moves, gestures, words that accumulate to make a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime a "productive" one.

My invitation this week is to keep track. If we don't acknowledge what we have done that feels connected to our values, our life purpose, we will keep rolling through until the end, at which point we won't be sure if we lived how we aspired to. First, make a list of what values matter most to you in living. Now honor all of the acts at the end of a day, or at the end of a week, that cultivated what matters most to you. If you remove the judgement, you will see that there are many. See how much you have given and received from small moments where you complimented someone, drove a child somewhere, took care of your body, were present in a conversation, slowed down to take in a flower or a sunset, gave a project your genuine effort, helped a coworker, made a nourishing meal, planted a seed. 

Next week, I wIll share on procrastination, but until then, enjoy just how "productive" you are when you are living by what you value everyday. You are enough.

🌻
Jean