What's The Right Choice?

 

Lately, I have been witnessing people making choices that are hard. They are faced with making a move that is not so clear in its benefit. Even though there is a choice, it doesn't feel like freedom because it holds too much weight. We all face these times in life. I've been facing them lately, too. They are often uncomfortable and feel long, as if we will never arrive at a peaceful resolution. And yet, we do at some point. It is part of the process to go through this necessary phase when it really matters.

How do we make decisions when we feel torn about which is the "right" choice? Those times when something is calling upon us to pick a way to go and we feel conflicted because we would be giving something up in either direction? How do we know which path to take when they both entail letting go? This can lead us to feel stuck, as if  we can't find freedom in either choice. It is a hard place to be and often because it requires letting someone down (or maybe some part of ourselves that we are attached to).

Think back on all the major choices you made throughout your life. Didn't you disappoint people often? When I think back on my 49 years, I am struck at how most major moves entailed disappointing others and I REALLY don't like disappointing others. When I left one university for another, when I stopped dancing, when I left jobs where I knew I was valued, when I chose who I wanted to be with, when I moved to NJ ("New Jersey!" said all the New Yorkers with disgust), when I closed my NYC office, when I stopped massaging altogether, when I got divorced, when I stopped or started something -- you name it, pretty much everything involved doing something that someone else didn't want me to do. Sigh. It was painful every time, some more than others, but all involved discomfort. 

And yet, I cannot say that in all those major instances that I wished I made the other choice. I may have wished I went about it with more grace or care, but the choice itself would still have been disappointing to someone no matter how I did it and the overall benefit was far greater, not just for me, but for the world because it was a choice, ultimately, driven by love. There lies the clue! Love is where we find the answer. 

We'll get lots of opinions from people around us if we ask. It's good to get food for thought, but ultimately, only we know the right answer for us. And whatever that answer is, it is the right answer at that moment in time. At a later point in our life, we may have chosen differently, but that's based on the experiences we had after that moment. We can only make decisions from where we are now, based on the experiences and knowledge we have had up until now. There are no wrong answers, just experiences we need to have. The one thing we can rely on to direct us is love.

When we act with love, true love, at the forefront of our being, we can't be "wrong."  True love is not driven solely by desire, passion, pleasure, but by a sense of deep listening to what brings wholeness, connection, kindness, and care. By what sparks inspiration, creation, movement, and a deep appreciation for life. If something is going to kill my spirit, it isn't coming from love. If something is going to cause irreparable harm, it isn't coming from love. If something serves only me, it isn't coming from love. 

When we are deep in the woods and need to choose a path, we can remember to pause and breathe, to slow down and ask, "if we come from love, which path lights up more?" We can go that way. And it's okay to disappoint, with love, along the way.
☀️
Jean

P.S. The renovated studio is done! Keep a lookout in the coming weeks for some big changes in opportunities to come together to practice. 

These Arms

 

The signs are obvious that something is not quite right. I changed the thick handmade coffee cup I use every morning to one that is lighter, at first thinking it was because the new one had the colors of the sea which always appeal to me. At night, I would pick up the floral, glass water bottle on my nightstand and wince at lifting it. I know it is not something serious, but it has been going on for months and I have been too preoccupied with some big life events to take the time and ask what my body, what these arms, specifically, want me to know. We are often being sent messages from this amazing vehicle that moves us through life and we turn a blind eye to what it is saying because it is not convenient.

My arms have been fatigued in a way I have never experienced, even in the 20 years I was a massage therapist. They have always been strong and reliable. Finally, at the end of a meditation last week, sitting in my favorite big chair, I did ask and the reply was clear and simple. “I am tired of doing the heavy lifting.” I knew it was true the moment it was said. Hearing it so explicitly didn’t relieve it, but it gave me somewhere to start. 

These arms want me to let go of a lifetime of carrying the weight of trying to keep the peace, of doing the right thing so that those around me can feel at ease, of trying to get the orchestra to work together, of navigating minefields. They want me to stop being on guard when I see those around me, without awareness, about to set off explosions. “But, why didn’t they know,” I would ask myself in frustration after the world was already aflame. They want me to let the flames go. Let the fires burn! Being 49 years in the making, I don’t know yet how exactly to let go in the way they want me to, but I am paying attention. 

The body was the subject of conversation in a group just this past week – the body is one of the reasons people struggle with meditation. We stop and get still and suddenly our body starts talking. We sense pain, tightness, tension, rumblings that have been waiting for a quiet moment to be heard. Meditation is an opportunity and not for the faint of heart. We hear it again and again – it takes courage to meditate because it is easier to just ignore what wants our attention until, inevitably, our body won’t let us ignore it and something more catastrophic happens. I know, practically speaking, that this discomfort of mine will need physical tending to – specific concrete actions. But the emotional under layer is equally as important. At the very least, I have gently started by listening to what it so obviously knew all along.

I share this simple story because the lesson is obvious. We can check in with ourselves, get curious about ourselves and yet, we so often don't. My invitation this week is to listen to your body. Does it have a message it is trying to send you? It might come in the form of pain, an ache, or tightness. It might come as a diminished sense (hearing, taste, sound, smell, touch). It might come as fatigue, or the inability to sleep. It might come out in behaviors around eating, drinking, consuming – in all the ways we consume. Our body has good information. We don’t have to be afraid of it. It is on our side. 

You might close your eyes and ask your body the question, “what do you want me to know right now?” And wait to see what comes. Always ask, “is there anything more” before you move on.  And don’t answer it with advice or action, but acknowledge it with deep listening – “I am hearing you.” If you find yourself defending, denying, downplaying, coming up with solutions, trying to see the bright side, STOP, and be on its side instead. Confirm that you heard what it is saying and that you are paying attention, even if you don’t know what to do about it. You probably don’t know yet, that’s why you’re experiencing this. There‘s a great deal that can come from listening alone.

This body is amazing. It was made for us. It allows us to experience this life in all the ways we can experience it. If we aren’t listening to it, we are missing out on so much natural insight.

Wishing you all week of lightness and ease as we turn the corner into the fullness of summer. 
☀️
Jean

Is It Obvious?

 

I'm not one for much small talk. I sometimes wish I was. I imagine if I were, I would be more interested in attending parties and social events. Instead, I am drawn to one on one or small group interactions where the conversations get a little deeper or more meaningful. I want to hear what's alive in people, what they're feeling, rather than what they are doing or reacting to. Hence the creation of the first A Mindful Life group in 2016. Little did I know that I was filling that part of me that wants genuine connection.  Hundreds of sessions later, I can also see that even in these groups we can easily stay in shallow waters because that is how so much of our daily interaction takes place. It's simply the muscle that has been strengthened. So lately, I've been emphasizing a certain instruction in the groups when I ask questions that involve inner reflection: listen for what you don't already know. Sometimes, even in a contemplative space, we are asked a question and we immediately answer it as if we already knew the question was coming and the answer is at the tip of our tongue just waiting to be said. It can be true that the answer is so evident that we don't have to think too much about it. We accept the first response that pops in our mind as the "right" response. Other times, we get asked a question and we may just start talking, saying words out of a habitual tendency to fill the space that might express a general idea about what's alive in us. Those are both perfectly fine and can still be generative, but to get deeper more quickly and get more to the essential understanding, or "ah-ha" moment, I suggest that we "listen for what we don't already know." If you already have the answer, if it's obvious, it can't be that interesting to you! To make it interesting, to open it up and to discover, we can ask ourselves more. "Ok, that's what I already know, but what about it? What else is here that isn't so clear yet?" This is when insight and awareness arise. It all becomes more alive and intriguing. You can do this anywhere. It doesn't have to be in the safe confines of a contemplative group like A Mindful Life. You can try it on in conversations with your spouse, or a friend, or family member. We can cut past the obvious and get to what make us feel alive, engaged, connected. We may have to slow down to do it, but we can. Lastly, I don't want to imply that there is no value to be found in small talk.  There certainly is and I do my fair share of it as well. It allows for connection, camaraderie, and playfulness. We can do both -- chit chat and get deep. Then, we can be truly full. My invitation this week is when you notice you are saying what's going on for you in the same way you've already said it, or when what you are saying isn't bringing you to anything new, it just feels like a lot of words, let yourself pause. You might even say, "hold on a second" and ask yourself what more about it does it want you to know or what is essential about what your are expressing? Get curious and the person you are with is likely to get more curious, too.  I welcome your feedback. If you have any thoughts to share on the subject, please send them my way. Have a beautiful week and start to summer! ☀️ Jean P.S. Gaining the skills to drop inside and listen to oneself takes time, practice, and needs support. There are many options to strengthen these skills this summer. Scroll down to see what's coming up. P.S.S. Are you a teacher or know of teachers who are off for the summer and would like to learn to meditate?  Or know a willing student heading off to college in the fall? It's the perfect time to start. Beginning Meditation Series.

More on Letting Go

 

Over the past week in all my groups we have been working with letting go. Specifically, we explored letting go of things that were never really ours to begin with. Getting involved in somebody else's fight, taking on someone's responsibility, doing someone's work, analyzing someone's situation and giving feedback. The funny part of our human nature is just how much time and energy we can expend on this kind of thing in our mind alone. We may not actually be doing anything, but if our mind is taking us through it, we might as well be because all that energy is being used anyway! Just think how much more peace we could have if we caught ourselves in the act and let it go sooner, rather than later. (But, even later is good enough!)

Once again, it's our awareness, being mindful of our thoughts and actions, that changes this pattern. When we can break this pattern, we attract less drama and cause ourselves and others less suffering. As is the case with most positive change, it takes effort, steadiness, and patience. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you bring more of this into your life.

I always think the words "letting go" sound so easy, like letting go of a balloon. But, it rarely is and that's because the reason we are involved to begin with is that there is some unmet need in us that's driving us to want to be engaged. It might be the need to feel helpful, needed, seen, valued. It might be the need for harmony or the feeling of being in control and secure. Often the need is misplaced. We don't even realize that what we are stepping into is driven by it. But once we know, then we have the power to stop and take care of our need outside of the situation. This is the more loving way to be and it often goes against the grain. Some part of us thinks the more loving thing is to get involved, but often it is not. 

Once we have the awareness, what do we do next?

1) We stop and recognize the unmet need and we bring in self-compassion. Ask yourself what is driving my involvement here? What am I wanting to fill? Once we have that understanding, we can let go a little.
2) We recognize what we feel if we stop getting into the situation -- what do we have to feel to let go of our involvement? Often it is feeling the unmet need. 
3) Once we can name what we have to feel, then we allow ourselves to feel just that. Not to think about it, but to breathe, feel and give it space without doing anything. If we skip this step of feeling, we haven't done the hard work yet. When we allow ourselves this, we realize that it's okay to feel something uncomfortable. We won't explode.
4) We can then bring compassion to ourselves, the other, the situation we are stepping out of.

This is how letting go happens. And we stop there and let that digest. There is so much freedom and lightness that can come the more we practice letting go of what is not ours. Besides, we have plenty that is ours to deal with! We can bring ourselves more ease, space and peace. 

What currently in your life are you taking up, that is not yours, that you could try this with? Feel free to reach out if you get stuck or share your insights if you have them. 

Wishing you a beautiful week. 

🌸
Jean

P.S. Gaining awareness takes some practice. Join me this summer to strengthen these skills. See below for the summer offerings.  

P.S.S. Are you a teacher or know of teachers who are off for the summer and would like to learn to meditate?  Or know a willing student heading off to college in the fall? It's the perfect time to start. Beginning Meditation Series.

The Hard Work

 

My Mindful Pause had to go on a pause, but I am back. I'm struggling with what to say next. After those big personal losses that happen in life, there's a recalibrating that needs to happen. I'm in that place. Finding my way, there is so much I can say and nothing at all at the same time. 

Many of you know that my mom passed away a couple of weeks ago after a short illness, all of which came suddenly and chaotically. I was close to her, so the absence feels real and yet something about it doesn't feel real at all. I still expect to talk with her. This is natural, I know. I am adjusting.

In recent years, my mom would say, "I don't know how you do what you do. It seems so hard." It always took me by surprise when she said it. I didn't know how aware she was of what I did, but she was clearly following me. Moms do that. On the heels of my mom's funeral, just four days later, I was scheduled to lead a weekend retreat, which I did over this past weekend. It seemed crazy to go from such a time of turmoil and loss to facilitating a group of people in a weekend of strengthening self-kindness. Mother's Day weekend at that. And yet, it was just right. I was gifted a beautiful group of 14 people who joined me at the lovely Dharmakaya Center in upstate New York. We did just what my mom said, we did some "hard work." It's the hard work that yields so much presence, connection, growth and joy.

Though this work is not something she was inclined to do herself (she worked hard in many other significant ways), I can rest in knowing that my mom knew I was truly happy in my life. "My beautiful Jean," she would say. And that happiness I experience, which she could see, didn't just come. It has taken "work" and the fruits of it can't be bought or brought by anything else. I share this because because I just witnessed 14 people dive into the practices of stopping, being still, and listening to what arises in that stillness. They spent time exploring what their inner critics have to say and made room for the unmet needs lurking underneath. They tried being on their own side, finding what their unique voice of compassion sounds like. They tried on forgiveness and humility as they took in their ancestors and what brought them here. They shared openly and listened carefully. They practiced self-kindness and let it permeate to the whole group. It was inspiring to witness.

Why do we practice meditation? Why do we reflect and contemplate? Why do we intentionally draw our attention to what is well and good, again and again? Because it make us happier, more peaceful people. The world certainly needs more of that.

My invitation this week is simple. What makes you feel grounded, joyful, peaceful? Do more of that this week. Look at your week and see what you have planned that cultivates those qualities and what you have planned that may be doing the opposite. Is there anything you can let go or space you can open? Is there anything you can add that nourishes you? Remember, it's often not big things. It's the simple things that give us spaciousness, ease, joy, and peace. It's available. Be intentional. If it is going to bring you those things in any lasting way, there will be some effort involved. Don't be afraid of it.

Renew your commitment to yourself and have the courage to lean in so that you can be more free in life. It is short. There is no time to waste being stuck, angry, resentful, critical, worn out. You can choose something better.

Wishing you a beautiful week.

🙏
Jean

Not About Peace. Not An Escape.

 

Lately, I am hearing more people express a sense of dismay with their "progress" meditating. Honestly, when I hear this I wince inside. I can't help it. If we are thinking in terms of "progress" then we are missing it altogether and, even more, it's mean to ourselves! So, if you have this sense of not progressing or not being good at meditation, then I hope this message speaks to you and feels reaffirming.

Meditation is not something to progress at. It is simply something to do. We refer to it as a practice, but I wonder if that's in the way, too. Why? Because it is not something to master or even get good at. It is not something to win at. You'll never arrive somewhere. Why? Because you have already arrived. You are here. It's simply remembering that you are here that mindfulness meditation helps us to do. Here and not in the future, the past, or in fantasy. 

Is it a practice? Maybe we are causing ourselves some suffering by calling it that. I wonder if it would be more beneficial to say simply, "I meditate." Just like we would say, "I brush my teeth." We don't practice brushing our teeth. We just brush our teeth. We don't practice meditation, we just meditate, which means we follow our breath to stay in the present moment, we get distracted, we return to our breath again. Sometimes we can stay in the present longer, sometimes we are gone in a split second. We just do it.

You are here in this form with a brain that produces many thoughts. Endless thoughts. It is what it is made to do. We could say, "thank you, my brain." It's a good thing to have one. But I know sometimes we wish it would quiet down. Fortunately, our brain also has the capacity to let go of a thought, the next thought, and the thought after that, one at at time. This is what we are doing in mindfulness meditation.

We start by following the breath because it is happening only in the present moment. Sensing our breathing, we are right here. Sensing anything, we are right here. If I listen to these sounds right now, I am present. If I feel my feet on the ground, or my pelvis on the chair, I am present. If I smell this flower in front of me, I am present as I draw the air in through my nose. If I feel this inhale and this exhale, I am present. I can't sense these things and be somewhere else in my thoughts. So we use the body to stay here. 

It could be that we feel like we are failing or not getting any better at it if we are holding on to some notion that we should be getting to a peaceful place, or a place where thoughts stop coming in, or a place of otherworldliness (bliss), or a place of perfection where we don't get distracted. If we have those motivations or goals we have fallen off the path. It's going to feel like we aren't very good at it.

Of course, there are different forms of meditation. Some are intended to bring us to another place, out of this body. Mindfulness is not that. Mindfulness is awareness of what's happening in the present moment. We are not trying to get to another place, a special way of being, or ongoing peacefulness. It is not an escape. It's the opposite. It helps us to be right here with what is, whether what is is pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, or anything along that spectrum. We learn that we can stay. We can observe and we don't have to react by trying to get away from it. This is where its power lies because then we can make choices. We can't do that when we are not present. And so this is why we meditate. It helps us to live aligned with what matters to us. We learn that we can be aware. We can stay. We can observe. We can make a beneficial choice from there.

Just meditate. That's it. Just meditate and let the doing of it speak for itself.  Lately, I am hearing people say that they notice as they meditate more regularly (just about daily) they find that it is easier to do -- to be still and to stay. Of course it is. Like riding a bike. It's not scary like that very first time we did it without any training wheels.

My encouragement this week is to meditate regularly without evaluation, without trying to get somewhere, or attain something. You have already arrived. Now, just meditate. 

Need any help, just reach out.

🙏🌷
Jean

No Spring Like This Spring

 

With each season, I like to remind myself that there will never be another season just like this one. We only have a given number of springs in a lifetime. And not only that, there will not be another spring like this one in 2024, at this age, with these conditions, with these particular people in my life at the ages they are, with my body just like this. When I stop and recognize this, I don't want to miss it. I don't want to get to summer quickly. I just want to be here soaking this in. And there is so much to take in.

It's spring break week here in our town and whether you are taking a break or not, I welcome you to pause and invite you to slow down and let the season register through your body with this simple exercise. Rather than roll through this time, we can remind ourselves of the gifts available to us right now.

Taking one sense at a time, either close your eyes and do this in your mind as you slow yourself down and feel yourself breathing or you can do this as a journaling exercise (if you write, still allow yourself a moment to drop inside and feel each one so it's not just in your head). With each one, name as many things to savor as come to you about spring in general and about your specific spring (specific events, activities, etc.). With each one, feel what it's like just to imagine it. A smile may come or a feeling of joy, warmth, energy, excitement, freshness, lightness, etc. Can you let yourself enjoy. Keep in mind that only you can let yourself receive it.

What do you want to savor with your eyes this spring?
What do you want to savor with your ears this spring?
What do you want to savor with your nose this spring?
What do you want to savor with your taste this spring?
What do you want to savor in your touch this spring?
What do you want to savor in your feelings this spring?

Having taken this time, how does it feel to fill yourself in this way? I wish you a beautiful week and a season full of light, energy, and renewal.

🌱
Jean

This Body

 

Happy return to light and longer days!

What I am about to say you have likely heard me say before. I say it often because I think it is such a nice gift to ourselves to remember. "We get to be here and have these experiences because of this body. This body that does everything it can to keep going. This body that always tries to heal. This body that puts up with our often crazy demands and criticisms." And yet, how easy it is to forget to appreciate this body! This week's practice is simple, but powerful. All you need is to stop and take a few minutes. Read the prompts and then close your eyes, follow your breathing and listen to your response. Taking the time is worth it.

Choose a part of your body. Any part. It may be your arms, feet, skin, an organ. They are all worth appreciating, so you don't have to think very hard. The parts of you that you don't think of much can be surprisingly nice for this. Or, maybe a part of you that needs healing. But really, any part will do because they all depend on each other anyway.

Name it and say it back a couple of times to slow down. For example, "these arms" and bring your awareness to that area. 

Now call up what that part of you allows you to experience, do, feel. Name one thing at time slowly. Feeling each gift it brings. No expectations because we weren't promised anything. But, tap into awe and delight at how we function. If you take your eyes, what do you get to see? Or your legs, what do they allow you to do? Your voice? What does it allow you to express. There is nothing to not consider. Stay with it for a while and enjoy the details.

Lastly, wish this place health, ease, and say a simple thank you with the desire to want to take care of this place that gives to you, (even if it gives imperfectly).

How does it feel to pause and take the time to do this? Feel free to let me know! Each day we can do this. Choose another area of you and tap into the enormous well of goodness we have. 

🌱
Jean

"Yes, but..."

 

I have noticed that there is something particular that happens when we are not in the best frame of mind. We become disagreeable! I know that sounds too obvious. For anyone who has experience with teenagers, you know what this looks like. Some adults live constantly in this state. Whether our negative mind state is due to stress, low self esteem, exhaustion, fear, or some other unpleasant source, we can easily fall into playing the antagonist, even inadvertently. We can take the opposite side of whatever is being offered, even if it is something pleasant, benign, or neutral. It comes in the form of, "yes, but..."  

I'm sure you have been on the receiving end of this before when you called someone to share something and what you got back is unexpectedly antagonistic? It can be subtle as if the person is just offering another perspective, but then you notice that the person does this often, even to things that we weren't trying to provoke, get their opinion on, or put forward as controversial. 

The unfortunate result can be that the one who shares regrets doing it. It's a drag and when I am aware that I have done it -- when I get enough perspective to see what I was doing, I feel silly and I ask myself, why didn't I just take in what they said and allow it to have its own value without adding my thoughts on top? (I could go down the shame route from there, but I know that will only make my behavior even more unpleasant. What's really needed is some care. There's something that needs attention in me and it likely has nothing to do with what this person just shared. I can take care of myself and start again).

I know there is something to be said for "healthy" questioning. Teachers do it. Parents do it. Think tanks or brainstorming meetings are good places for it. Great teachers remind us to question what are taught and to discover the truth for ourselves through experience rather than rattling off some knowledge we were taught. But there is a big difference between trying something on to uncover what is true for ourselves and always looking to argue, prove a point, show off knowledge, or play devil's advocate without the "play" element. It's actually much more pleasant and interesting when I take someone's thought and give it space, see its value or the possibility in it, or what I can take from it that is good. The other person lights up, too, when they feel regarded, which is beautiful to see and experience. If I do have some hesitation, I can give the benefit of the doubt rather than knock it down. What if everything didn't have to be a fight or something to prove, but something that has potential and useful information? Why not be open to what can come?

My invitation this week is to be more welcoming, open, receptive to what is being offered. To look for the goodness, the possibility, the potential in what someone is sharing or asking, even if at first it comes in some odd form. Even the worst ideas or requests have something worth being genuinely and positively curious about. See if it feels different to be open to possibility. Brother David Steindl-Rast describes hope as "openness to surprise." What if we were to have more hope in people? The only way to know is to give them a chance.

If you came from a place where there was great distrust in others, or where you had to defend, or prove yourself, this will likely be a harder practice, so be gentle with yourself. It takes time to undo these patterns that we didn't choose. The peace and delight that comes from it is worth the work.

🕊
Jean

Letting Go of Controlling

 

We logically know that when we try to control what we can't, we increase our and other's suffering. In my experience, that hasn't stopped me from trying anyway. My awareness and my intellectual understanding alone, don't often translate into helpful action. That's because I get tricked into thinking that to let go requires me to be different. I'll say things like...

If I could just go with the flow.
If I could just let it unfold.
If I could just trust.
(Notice the word just in all of those!)

But, there is a major step that has to happen to let go and it isn't about changing. It's the opposite. To let go, we have to let ourselves feel (as we are). We have to let go of doing or fixing. 

My invitation this week is to work with this simple prompt:

If I let go around _______ (pick your subject), I would have to allow for _______ (whatever is here to be here), and I would have to feel ________ (an actual feeling).

And then, the instruction is simple. We let ourselves feel. Not do anything, not add on, not analyze, but experience the feeling. What does the feeling actually feel like? Where do you sense it in your body? What posture do you take? What sensations go with the feeling and can you breathe with all of that as an experience without judgment, without making it bad or wrong. Stay with it while it's there. It will change, as all things change.

The short of it is that to let go is to be willing to face the discomfort that is inevitably there. The discomfort we are avoiding by trying to control. That's it. That's my tip. I'm keeping it short and sweet today. What are you trying to avoid by controlling and if you let that go, what would you have to feel and what if you let yourself feel and not judge it, fix it, or blame someone for it? It is surprisingly liberating. And as I often say, we won't explode from letting ourselves feel a feeling. We only explode (or implode) if we don't.

Wishing everyone a lot of love this week. 

💝
Jean

Seeing The "Us"

 

It was early in the morning. I had just dropped my son off at the train station and as I was driving home there was a car coming in the opposite direction appearing to slow down. It seemed like it might make a left turn, but it didn't have a signal on. This is one of my pet peeves in driving. I slowed down in case the person suddenly turned in front of me. He did and as I drove on, I watched the usual murmurings of judgment in me arise. Then I thought about the exercise I was sharing in my groups for the week and asked myself, "how can I see the "us" in driving?" Staying with the question, I was amazed at the fact that we all navigate these roads together and when I thought of it that way, my irritation changed. 

When I ask myself to see the “us” in a situation, it inevitably softens my stance. I get a greater perspective which doesn't separate me from the other. I see the larger picture which allows for more acceptance, compassion, and understanding. My righteous self gets humbled. As someone shared in a group, I could ask, "what if that was my elderly mom driving in front of me, would I get so angry?"

When we  practice with the concepts of inter-being, interconnection, and interdependence, we see clearly that there is no separation between us and anything else. We are physically, mentally, and emotionally made of everything that is outside of us. Our bodies are made of all the elements (air, earth, water, sun, people) and our ways of thinking and feeling are effected by numerous people and forces outside of us. 

The driving example is just a minor one, but we can do it anytime we start to feel on the opposite side of someone, an issue, stuck in a project, caught in comparing, feeling judged or doing the judging, anytime we see suffering and don't feel compassion. My invitation this week is to keep asking the question, "how can I see the 'us' here?" See what happens if you stay with it. Does it soften your stance, your vision? Does it bring you into more gratitude and awe?

Whether it's personal, societal, or global, we can step back and recognize that we are connected and that the better outcome will arrive if  we see our interconnection and move onto the side of wanting it to work out for all us. We can come back to the notion that “just like me, this person wants to be happy, healthy, safe.” We can recognize that “just like me,” this other person/group wants to get through this, or is having just as frustrating a time as me, or they want to achieve the same goal, even if our ways of achieving it don’t seem aligned. "Just like me," this person has feelings, needs, fears. This perspective of seeing our common humanity brings us back to wanting to collaborate and find a way together, rather than be reactive or right. We need each other.

Because it is not always easy to do, we need to remember "the why."  And the why is that we are connected. What happens to me, happens to you, even if we can’t see exactly how in the moment. That ripple effect is always there. We can take refuge in the “we” because we can't do this life alone and we can't make positive change  alone. There is always a “we” and it can help us when we get caught in ourselves.

Wishing you a week feeling held in connection and embracing, rather than pushing away, the complexity it can add.

🙏
Jean

The "Why" Underneath

 

For many years now, no matter how much sleep I get, I awake feeling groggy from a night full of dreaming. I don't drink or take anything. I just dream a ton. Apparently, I am working stuff out overnight, but the residual feeling is not the one I'd like to awaken with. I'm not grumpy. I simply don't feel the kind of freshness that I would like to start the day with. Though this was not on my intentions list for 2024, I realized that I could probably change this morning routine to one that feels better and so I am embarking on a series of habit changes and it has me reflecting on how we change. If you prefer to listen, rather than read, I shared a version of this in Sunday night's talk which you can access below. 

When we practice living mindfully, we accept that so much in life is out of our control and we gradually learn to have greater humility as we work on letting go. We understand that we often cause ourselves and others more suffering by trying to control what we can't and what isn't ours to control. At the same time though, when we are mindful, we see how much choice we have in every moment if we are present. We have choices in the kinds of thoughts we facilitate (not what thoughts arise, but the kinds of thoughts we nourish and what we do with them) and in what we say and do. Of course, these choices ripple out and affect what happens next.

Some things we think, say, and do become habits and some stick around for a very long time. They could be habits of thinking, speaking, ways of behaving that were passed on by our parents, our ancestors, our culture. Habits are harder to change and sometimes so hard that the habitual action doesn't seem like a choice at all. What we do can feel like it's set in concrete -– this is how it’s done; this is just the way it is. But, once we realize that the habit is getting in the way of our happiness, this is a wonderful place to bring in curiosity. Is there something I can do differently? What am I believing is fixed? If I don’t like how something feels or how something is going, do I have to stay stuck in the repetitive action/reaction? No, but then we have to face the reality that changing habits is not easy.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been proactive about trying on different approaches in order to create a new habit upon waking. Inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh’s morning gatha which goes like this…"Waking up this morning I smile. Knowing there are 24 brand new hours before me, I vow to live fully in each moment, and look at beings with eyes of compassion," I decided to write my own with words that remind me of how I want to greet the day and connect with my intention on moving through it.

I woke up with my words on my nightstand, but quickly found that changing the feeling is not as easy as saying some words. It became clear that it’s a habit that’s going to take time to reprogram and will take multiple approaches until I find the one that sticks. Probably more than one change will be necessary. And then, it registered that it is going to take diligence, patience, adaptability, and steadfastness. 

How do we stick to behaviors we want to change after they have become so ingrained as to be habitual? I find that I can do this more easily when I can see the “why” underneath. This is the motivation behind any change. Why do I want to wake up differently? What would it give me if I did? If I want to exercise 4 days a week, until it becomes a habit, I need to remember why I do it. And the why has to be connected to something I value, something meaningful. If I remember that I exercise because when I do I feel capable, strong, centered, and my mind feels more clear, I am more likely to do it. I value being here in this form and I want to take care of my body. But if I exercise because other people say I should, or for some more superficial reason, or because I am told I need to lose weight and that’s all I can think about, then it feels like a chore, a demand, a should. It’s not motivated by something deeper that I value. 

Remembering the why underneath helps drive our actions in ways that we want. When we take something like the 5 Mindfulness Trainings or the The Noble Eightfold Path, rather than see them as a set of rules, we could see them as reminders to come back to the “why.” Why would I choose to develop Right Speech (which is really humbling and challenging to change), Right View, Right Livelihood, etc.? Why would I choose to practice mindful consumption, or be conscious of my sexual conduct, or choose not to condone acts of violence? 

I find that keeping a list of what I value close at hand so I can remember whenever I feel dread, face a difficulty, or when I need to show up to something hard, it can be helpful in motivating me to stay with it. Rather than not show up, we can because we feel connected to and inspired by what matters to us. It may very well be hard, but we see something greater than the difficulty.

My invitation this week is to pause and think of something you do that you don’t really like, a habit you want to change, or something you are asked to show up for that you don’t want to show up for, and what would be the “why” underneath doing it that feels more motivating? What feeling/value does it connect you to? Can you get in touch with the feeling in your body, the felt sense of it? What changes in you as you feel what it will bring you? How does it shift the your motivation?

We can do this throughout the day. We may not have control over a whole lot, but we have a great deal of choice within the constantly changing, impermanent life we live. It's not necessarily easy, but it is empowering.

I wish you a week motivated by your choices and nourished by what you can create.

❄️
Jean