"Yes, but..."

 

I have noticed that there is something particular that happens when we are not in the best frame of mind. We become disagreeable! I know that sounds too obvious. For anyone who has experience with teenagers, you know what this looks like. Some adults live constantly in this state. Whether our negative mind state is due to stress, low self esteem, exhaustion, fear, or some other unpleasant source, we can easily fall into playing the antagonist, even inadvertently. We can take the opposite side of whatever is being offered, even if it is something pleasant, benign, or neutral. It comes in the form of, "yes, but..."  

I'm sure you have been on the receiving end of this before when you called someone to share something and what you got back is unexpectedly antagonistic? It can be subtle as if the person is just offering another perspective, but then you notice that the person does this often, even to things that we weren't trying to provoke, get their opinion on, or put forward as controversial. 

The unfortunate result can be that the one who shares regrets doing it. It's a drag and when I am aware that I have done it -- when I get enough perspective to see what I was doing, I feel silly and I ask myself, why didn't I just take in what they said and allow it to have its own value without adding my thoughts on top? (I could go down the shame route from there, but I know that will only make my behavior even more unpleasant. What's really needed is some care. There's something that needs attention in me and it likely has nothing to do with what this person just shared. I can take care of myself and start again).

I know there is something to be said for "healthy" questioning. Teachers do it. Parents do it. Think tanks or brainstorming meetings are good places for it. Great teachers remind us to question what are taught and to discover the truth for ourselves through experience rather than rattling off some knowledge we were taught. But there is a big difference between trying something on to uncover what is true for ourselves and always looking to argue, prove a point, show off knowledge, or play devil's advocate without the "play" element. It's actually much more pleasant and interesting when I take someone's thought and give it space, see its value or the possibility in it, or what I can take from it that is good. The other person lights up, too, when they feel regarded, which is beautiful to see and experience. If I do have some hesitation, I can give the benefit of the doubt rather than knock it down. What if everything didn't have to be a fight or something to prove, but something that has potential and useful information? Why not be open to what can come?

My invitation this week is to be more welcoming, open, receptive to what is being offered. To look for the goodness, the possibility, the potential in what someone is sharing or asking, even if at first it comes in some odd form. Even the worst ideas or requests have something worth being genuinely and positively curious about. See if it feels different to be open to possibility. Brother David Steindl-Rast describes hope as "openness to surprise." What if we were to have more hope in people? The only way to know is to give them a chance.

If you came from a place where there was great distrust in others, or where you had to defend, or prove yourself, this will likely be a harder practice, so be gentle with yourself. It takes time to undo these patterns that we didn't choose. The peace and delight that comes from it is worth the work.

🕊
Jean

Letting Go of Controlling

 

We logically know that when we try to control what we can't, we increase our and other's suffering. In my experience, that hasn't stopped me from trying anyway. My awareness and my intellectual understanding alone, don't often translate into helpful action. That's because I get tricked into thinking that to let go requires me to be different. I'll say things like...

If I could just go with the flow.
If I could just let it unfold.
If I could just trust.
(Notice the word just in all of those!)

But, there is a major step that has to happen to let go and it isn't about changing. It's the opposite. To let go, we have to let ourselves feel (as we are). We have to let go of doing or fixing. 

My invitation this week is to work with this simple prompt:

If I let go around _______ (pick your subject), I would have to allow for _______ (whatever is here to be here), and I would have to feel ________ (an actual feeling).

And then, the instruction is simple. We let ourselves feel. Not do anything, not add on, not analyze, but experience the feeling. What does the feeling actually feel like? Where do you sense it in your body? What posture do you take? What sensations go with the feeling and can you breathe with all of that as an experience without judgment, without making it bad or wrong. Stay with it while it's there. It will change, as all things change.

The short of it is that to let go is to be willing to face the discomfort that is inevitably there. The discomfort we are avoiding by trying to control. That's it. That's my tip. I'm keeping it short and sweet today. What are you trying to avoid by controlling and if you let that go, what would you have to feel and what if you let yourself feel and not judge it, fix it, or blame someone for it? It is surprisingly liberating. And as I often say, we won't explode from letting ourselves feel a feeling. We only explode (or implode) if we don't.

Wishing everyone a lot of love this week. 

💝
Jean