I'm Not Okay

 

Are you familiar with the experience of having a generalized feeling that something's "not okay?" It's not specific. It's a feeling, rather than an actual thing. It plays at a low level hum. It may actually be anxiety, but what it feels like is a quieter "I'm not okay." I'm not sick, confused, or in any actual danger. I just don't feel at ease. Something MUST be wrong.

When we have too much to navigate in life in a concentrated period of time, even when we come out of it, or when it lessens, the feeling of not being okay can stick and we have a continued perception that something's wrong even when it isn't. I feel like I have been there a lot lately and it makes sense. It's been a challenging year for me and I'm not really out of the woods yet (2 teenagers in the fall of their senior year -- that's all I need to say). When I look at the full picture, it's no wonder that I have that feeling of "not okay" these days.

For many people, a lot of things don't feel okay in today's world. I don't' think that's anything unique to our time, but it's certainly heightened right now with a contentious presidential election right before us, wars and violence in the world, so much hatred being spewed about, and news that travels faster than the speed of light. It's really hard to feel okay. But we need to. To not make things worse, we need to remember for the benefit of ourselves and all beings.

How? We stay in the present moment. Easier said than done, I know. It takes consistent practice. We practice being aware of what's arising in us and not reacting. We first need to be aware that the feeling of "not okay" is there. Once we realize that's what we are believing, we can check in and see if it's actually true in the present moment. Am I not okay? Most of the time, in the present moment, we are okay. Nothing is "wrong." We might not like what's going on. We may have opinions about it, fears about it. We may be uncomfortable, but we are okay. I can be okay in my discomfort, in my grief, in my anger, in my sadness, in my confusion, in my fatigue, you name it. I won't explode. Even in the worst case scenarios, if I am right there in the moment (not in the next moment), I am breathing and what's happening is just what's happening right now.

This is what it looks like...I'm standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes. My life is not being threatened, though some part of my brain thinks so. I sense the underlying strumming of the melody that "something's not okay" and I take a breath and ask...

"In this very moment are you okay?"
"Well, yes."
"Is anything really wrong?"
"No, I just don't like not knowing (how _____ is going to work out)."
Of course not; no one does; it's hard to not know. Are you breathing? Are you washing the dishes?
"Yes to both."
"Good. Breathe, wash the dishes, and let yourself feel the discomfort of not knowing. Just that. You're okay. This moment is okay."

This simple process takes awareness, willingness to get real, and the choice to let go of what we are adding on. This is why we meditate. We strengthen that muscle every time we sit, observe, and stay with ourselves. And that muscle strengthens our ability to cope with all that we are presented with in life one moment at a time, which is all we actually have. 

My invitation this week is, first, to practice meditation so that you can do this. With that practice in your reserves, whenever you feel a sense that something is "wrong" -- a twinge of unease, restlessness, "not enoughness," any unfavorable feeling, stop and ask yourself, "in this very moment, am I okay?" Hear the "yes, I'm just feeling ____" (fill in a feeling word). Let it resound through your body that you are okay and allow the feeling to be there without making it wrong. Return to what you are doing with tenderness for what we all go through. Just that. Rinse and repeat as needed.

If we let ourselves "be," then we are, in essence, okay. We can take care of ourselves. I use these lines in a meditation and I welcome you to use them if they work for you. "I'm enough just as I am. This moment is enough just as it is." And even if you hear a "no, I'm not enough" come back in response, let that be okay. Nothing's wrong.

The next time I write, it will be just a day after my retreat at the Dharmakaya Center for Wellbeing in upstate New York and just a day before the election. I look forward to being back with you then and offering any support I can. Throughout these weeks, let's stay grounded together. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being in the community.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

P.S. Want to be more in the community and put the practices to work more in real time? Come practice with me and the lovely community. See below for what's coming up. 

P.S.S. My website is updated with new photos of my renovated studio which Emily Feinsod Photography captured so beautifully. Check it out. 

Flexibility & Rigidity

 

In A Mindful Life this fall, we have been focusing on the skills, tools, inner resources we can use to stay centered, grounded, stable in times of heightened uncertainty. Our recent group exploration was on flexibility and rigidity. It is obvious that if we are rigid in our way of thinking, being, and acting, we are bound to suffer more. Because everything is constantly changing, we need to be able to adapt, shift, bend, which isn't always easy. You have likely witnessed older or solitary people become increasingly rigid in their behaviors because they haven't been exercising that ability to bend in their patterns, ways of thinking, being, etc. Throughout our lives, we can benefit from stretching our perceptions and behaviors. When we do, we help, not only ourselves, but those around us. Stretching often involves some level of discomfort which is helpful to keep in mind so that we can be okay being uncomfortable to arrive somewhere new. This week's invitation is to notice the simple ways you get fixed on things being a certain way in your day, week, in your requirements of how things go, in your schedule, in your traditions. Starting with some of the easier ones, see what happens if you let go and do it differently, even just a little bit. Maybe you do something the way someone else wants to because it's really not a big deal, or you say "yes" instead of "no," or you compromise. Maybe you shift the order of events, try something new,  go somewhere different, walk on a new path (try a different restaurant, read a different type of book, walk home a different way, sleep on the other side of the bed, move your furniture around). Maybe you try on another perspective or seek to understand one that is different from yours. Why do this? Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to be? We do it when we are honest with ourselves and realize that our rigidity is keeping us from experiencing, from growing, from receiving, from giving, from being generous and open. When it stops us. There are signs we can be on alert for that tell us we are becoming fixed. Feelings like boredom, judgement, irritation, self-righteousness are some. When we self-isolate, think in absolutes, or have the sentiment "only I can do it right." When we think it's not okay to fail or don't bother because it won't be perfect. When we can't forgive or feel resentful. When we stop doing anything new we can know that we are stuck. In that place, we are likely to get more fearful, not less, more unable to flow with change or disruption. In time, staying in my perceived order and safety, I am bound to suffer more. Who wants that! Let's wish ourselves the grace of humility and playfulness as we bend this week. 🧘🏽‍♂️ Jean P.S.  Practice meditation with us tomorrow and Saturday at the studio. Want to be on the weekly meditation reminder list? Send me a quick note and it will arrive in your mailbox every Sunday for the week.