In the last edition of A Mindful Pause, I talked about how meeting sandpaper with sandpaper only causes damage and how we can cultivate a gentler way of being with ourselves so that we can meet the world with more love and kindness. Continuing with this theme of love and kindness, this week's pause is to look at how we are habitually inclined to see others. More often or not, do we walk around assuming goodness in those we see and interact with, or are we more guarded and needing others to first prove their goodness before we are friendly, open, giving in return?
How we walk through the world with people is often dictated by how we grew up and what was passed onto us. Our family histories, our parents, teachers, friends, religions, culture, our individual experiences all shape the way we navigate snd see other people. So many factors come into play with how safe or open we feel among people. It can be helpful to be aware of what we do and where it comes from so that we can make choices, now, that aren't just habitual or learned.
You could start simply by noticing what your tendency is. While we are not just one thing, we do have inclinations. Do you have a greater tendency to approach people, or even just the start of a day, with openness, or more guardedness, ready to defend, or having to prove something? Take a moment to close your eyes, drop inside, and ask yourself this question. Whatever you find, know that it is due to many factors that go way beyond our doing, so welcome what you find with curiosity and care. There are positive attributes to both.
From here, if you find you are genuinely open and see goodness in people first without anxiety or fear, rejoice. You have been given a gift. Thank your ancestors and all that allows you to be this way.
If, on the other hand, you have a greater tendency to hold back, or be ready for a fight, or you wait for the other person to smile before you do, or maybe you don't regard strangers much at all, try this on for size... just let yourself imagine (drop inside and feel this one out) and ask yourself slowly, "what would life be like if I lived less in fight, flight, freeze mode and more in tend and befriend mode? What if I were to look at all beings assuming goodness and approached them with warmth, openness, kindness, curiosity. What if I didn't need to prove my value, defend myself, and what if I stopped judging and dropped my assumptions? What if I wanted anyone I came into contact with, anyone I thought about, see, or read about to be happy, safe, healthy, loved? How would life feel different living from this way of perceiving? How would I hold myself, move, feel differently?"
What did you find? If we run anxious, angry, judgmental, most likely we are not seeing goodness first. That's okay! There are reasons for it. We can also change it if we want to. And why would we do that? Because life feels better that way. I'm not saying to be open with anyone, or overly trusting, but to trust ourselves enough that we can drop the layers of armor that keep us from connecting, from being kind and generous first.
My nature is to be loving and kind. I know that. Without any doubt, I started out that way. I also know that after a handful of years of being in the world, my experiences caused me to walk through it a lot more guarded. I wish I awoke each day and felt simply open, but it hasn't been in my cards for many reasons. So now, I get to practice and it is actually fun to stretch, to be intentional about seeing people and welcoming them in my heart without thinking they were out to judge me, get something from me, belittle me, intimidate me, look for what I am doing wrong, discount my opinion. What a difference it has made to change this! It has taken many years and will always be a work in progress for me, but how I approach people now is nothing like when I was 25. And the potential for more is so rich and exciting. I know, too, that as I grow older, I have experience behind me and years of gaining awareness through meditation and mindfulness -- awareness of what I do so that I can then choose what I do. I trust myself and trust in the power of presence, kindness, compassion, my own resilience. It's a relief to live with more ease and hopeful to know I can have even more.
Feel free to write back what you found in this exploration. And if you want to live from a greater place of tend and befriend, rather than fight, flight, freeze, join us at the studio. A Mindful Life groups start spring segments in April and the drop-in meditation groups are available to help support you.
🧘🏽♂️
Jean
