I had this thought about
freedom last week and then realized what holiday was upon us. Perfect. I was
running when this refrain came to me over a certain subject. I kept hearing
myself say, “I don’t feel free.” When I caught the thought the way a child might
catch a firefly, I took a good look. I remember, as a child, being disappointed
that when a firefly was not alight, it looked like any “ordinary” beetle. As if
anything could be ordinary! Fortunately my realization over the caught thought
was not as disappointing. I asked myself what would it look like if I did feel
free in that moment. After all, there I am running in the woods, a terrific act
of freedom, choosing how long to go and which way to turn. There was no way
around it, the only thing keeping me from feeling free was me.
After we have the basic freedoms we thankfully know in this country, the rest is what we create. My thoughts and feelings can imprison me or not. When I remember that, I know that no matter what anyone else says or does around me, an outside force cannot ultimately take my freedom away, but my thoughts around these things can. This seems so ordinary, but it is really profound. If we are given confines with which to live, as we all are to greater and lesser degrees, we can find freedom within them. When it doesn’t feel like it, it is because we have forgotten the bigger picture. We have identified with this body more than we should. Freedom doesn’t have a body. It is so much greater. Freedom is the ability to recognize our suffering and not be chained to it. Freedom is the ability to tap into that place inside that is naturally radiant. It is the ability to connect with joy to be alive that is not dependent on our conditions. It is to be able to see the sunset and smile. To see a child’s wonder and feel delighted. To sense the smoothness of a stone in our hand and enjoy the touch. To watch a puppy and feel joyful. To hear the rain dropping on leaves and feel peaceful. To make a connection with another human being and be appreciative. This is freedom.
Since this kind of freedom is not something someone gives us, it is our task to figure out how to cultivate it. One night this week, I was coming home from work on the train in the evening. A sinus infection had hit me like a ton of bricks and all I wanted was to be home. I got on the 9:50 train and expected to be able to spread out and not feel crowded in by another passenger on the seat next to me. It was a late train after all and usually there are plenty of empty seats. On this particular night I really “needed” the space to feel bad. Alas, I had forgotten that it is summertime and more people are commuting for fun, so sure enough a man sat next to me. I'm embarrassed to say that I felt instantly irritated. He did nothing wrong, of course. I hadn’t been coughing, but suddenly I started to. Now I really wished he wasn’t there. I was afraid he would get irritated and felt my defenses rise. After a few minutes, he reached in his brief case and pulled out two cough drops. One for himself and one for me. It wasn’t the kind of move that comes when someone is afraid of getting sick, when the person shrinks back away from you. This was a simple gesture of kindness and was enough for me to shift my thinking. It woke me up to the fact that I don’t have to isolate, protect, or defend myself when I am not strong. This shift in thinking is freedom. It comes in unexpected moments like that and it comes when we pay attention and observe what it is we do. What thoughts am I believing? What feelings am I overly identifying with as if they are all of me? What habits have a hold on me, as if there is no other way? When I think there is something “wrong” with me or my life, I can pause the spinning in my mind and come back to myself unguarded and feel instead. I can say, “yes, this what I am feeling, and it is okay.” In other words, freedom is in living a mindful life. We can cultivate it if we choose.
My sinus infection forced me to stop, but it didn't get in the away of my freedom. What did was fear and shame. Fear of not being able to work and some shame that I got sick. Fear and shame are the biggest blockages we have in this life. All our suffering comes down to them. It is when we recognize them that we heal. The recognition stops us from reacting, retreating, taking things out on others and ourselves. It softens the blow we are feeling so it can't damage us. It's like a ball being thrown at a piece of china or a pillow. One will shatter, the other will receive and rebound. My initial reaction to the man sitting on the train with me was to be a hard wall. His giving me a cough drop softened me. Sometimes we need the help of others. Other times, we can call upon ourselves to see what is going on and to soften with compassion. The world then opens up and the confines around us dissolve.
The most exciting thing about this path of a mindful life is that there is no end to discovering greater and greater freedom. I have this inspiring wish that when I die, I will be so free I will fly. In the meantime, I won’t cling to that thought or it might just take my freedom away!
After we have the basic freedoms we thankfully know in this country, the rest is what we create. My thoughts and feelings can imprison me or not. When I remember that, I know that no matter what anyone else says or does around me, an outside force cannot ultimately take my freedom away, but my thoughts around these things can. This seems so ordinary, but it is really profound. If we are given confines with which to live, as we all are to greater and lesser degrees, we can find freedom within them. When it doesn’t feel like it, it is because we have forgotten the bigger picture. We have identified with this body more than we should. Freedom doesn’t have a body. It is so much greater. Freedom is the ability to recognize our suffering and not be chained to it. Freedom is the ability to tap into that place inside that is naturally radiant. It is the ability to connect with joy to be alive that is not dependent on our conditions. It is to be able to see the sunset and smile. To see a child’s wonder and feel delighted. To sense the smoothness of a stone in our hand and enjoy the touch. To watch a puppy and feel joyful. To hear the rain dropping on leaves and feel peaceful. To make a connection with another human being and be appreciative. This is freedom.
Since this kind of freedom is not something someone gives us, it is our task to figure out how to cultivate it. One night this week, I was coming home from work on the train in the evening. A sinus infection had hit me like a ton of bricks and all I wanted was to be home. I got on the 9:50 train and expected to be able to spread out and not feel crowded in by another passenger on the seat next to me. It was a late train after all and usually there are plenty of empty seats. On this particular night I really “needed” the space to feel bad. Alas, I had forgotten that it is summertime and more people are commuting for fun, so sure enough a man sat next to me. I'm embarrassed to say that I felt instantly irritated. He did nothing wrong, of course. I hadn’t been coughing, but suddenly I started to. Now I really wished he wasn’t there. I was afraid he would get irritated and felt my defenses rise. After a few minutes, he reached in his brief case and pulled out two cough drops. One for himself and one for me. It wasn’t the kind of move that comes when someone is afraid of getting sick, when the person shrinks back away from you. This was a simple gesture of kindness and was enough for me to shift my thinking. It woke me up to the fact that I don’t have to isolate, protect, or defend myself when I am not strong. This shift in thinking is freedom. It comes in unexpected moments like that and it comes when we pay attention and observe what it is we do. What thoughts am I believing? What feelings am I overly identifying with as if they are all of me? What habits have a hold on me, as if there is no other way? When I think there is something “wrong” with me or my life, I can pause the spinning in my mind and come back to myself unguarded and feel instead. I can say, “yes, this what I am feeling, and it is okay.” In other words, freedom is in living a mindful life. We can cultivate it if we choose.
My sinus infection forced me to stop, but it didn't get in the away of my freedom. What did was fear and shame. Fear of not being able to work and some shame that I got sick. Fear and shame are the biggest blockages we have in this life. All our suffering comes down to them. It is when we recognize them that we heal. The recognition stops us from reacting, retreating, taking things out on others and ourselves. It softens the blow we are feeling so it can't damage us. It's like a ball being thrown at a piece of china or a pillow. One will shatter, the other will receive and rebound. My initial reaction to the man sitting on the train with me was to be a hard wall. His giving me a cough drop softened me. Sometimes we need the help of others. Other times, we can call upon ourselves to see what is going on and to soften with compassion. The world then opens up and the confines around us dissolve.
The most exciting thing about this path of a mindful life is that there is no end to discovering greater and greater freedom. I have this inspiring wish that when I die, I will be so free I will fly. In the meantime, I won’t cling to that thought or it might just take my freedom away!
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