The Right Conditions

"In everyday life, we tend to believe that happiness is only possible in the future. We're always looking for the 'right' conditions that we don't yet have to make us happy."  
-- Thich Nhat Hanh

I awoke one morning this week, randomly took one of Thich Nhat Hanh's books off the shelf, and sat down to these words before I began my meditation. I had heard them many times before, but on this day, they rang true with a new intensity. As much as I practice staying present, I realized that I am often staying present to feelings of longing. There is that deeply rooted belief that if only I had ______, I'd be okay. My intellectual understanding that this isn't true, that one desire will replace another, has no authority. Some part of me insists. She says, "but, no! This one is real." Almost in a plea, she continues, "seriously, if I just could have this, I could deal with all the other wants and difficulties that come up much better." I ran, packed my lunch, and left for work wondering how to resolve this. Before I left, I quickly photocopied this one paragraph out of the book. It would be my contemplation for the day.

Thich Nhat Hanh continues, "so we wait and hope for that magical moment -- always sometime in the future -- when everything will be as we want it to be." Ugh. Sadly, I admit it. I do feel happy in my life, but yes, I do keep waiting for that one thing that will make everything complete. For me, it is a life partner, the person that I will be coupled with to go through the challenges and joys of this life. As a friend recently empathized with me, "I know the feeling of 'wrongness' of being a relational person without a partner." It does feel deeply "wrong" for me. Of course, there are others things we could hold up our happiness for. It could be money, beauty, power, fame. "If only" has no end. Knowing that these desires, varied as they may be among us, exist universally does not make me feel any better. On this morning, though, I had to ask myself "am I missing parts of my life because I am wrapped up in waiting for some wanted piece?" How will that feel to know, when I am dying, that I spent so much time wanting for some future happiness? I can see myself in the future, an old and wiser woman compassionately looking upon my present day self and wishing for her to be at ease and enjoy each day just as it is.

"Hold on!" Another voice pipes up. If we didn't have desires, we wouldn't do anything. People wouldn't exist if we didn't want other people! How would babies get made? Great art wouldn't be created. Important inventions wouldn't come about. I could go on and on, but there is no need. I take a deep breath and settle down. I remind myself...the question is not how do we get rid of desires. The question is how can we be happy right now with our wants and needs, and the often relentless demand that we get what we want now. Just writing that, I feel relief. I can have my painful longing for a life partner; I could even want him RIGHT NOW, but I can still find happiness in this moment. Maybe I can even enjoy that I am alive to experience the sensation of longing or sadness, or whatever it might be. What a gift! I can also feel my dog's soft, curly, hair against my leg. The sound of cicadas coming through my windows on a beautiful, August night. The smiles and affection I received from my children over a Facetime call. The intimate time spent with clients and friends this week. The fresh vegetables I've been able to eat. I am okay. I can be with happiness right now, even if everything is not as I want it to be. I can put this contemplation to rest for the night and awake to a new, wonderful day, with my desires, experiencing happiness all along the way.