It used to be that I would arrive at my studio after getting the kids off to school and knowing I needed to shift gears, I would take the walk from my car in the parking lot to the front door slowly. It was a way my nervous system could know that I could let go and relax more. The kids were where they needed to be and I was where I needed to be and all was okay. Those steps were in such contrast to everything else that went on in the morning prior to arriving. They felt gently resetting. Once inside, having the chance to meditate felt like the next deeper layer of moving out of what often felt like overwhelm. It was so nice to feel the change. This sounds odd to say and more odd to notice, but I don’t feel that anymore. Most days, the contrast is no longer there to feel. I don’t start out in overwhelm. How weird to say, but I miss that feeling of “ahhh”, of relief.
I noticed something similar when I stopped being a massage therapist a few years ago. Back then I would get a pedicure and sit in the massage chair and bask in the feeling of the automated flapping and kneading. I never understood why some women next to me wouldn't use the feature on their chair. For me it was a treat for my tired back muscles. But now that I don’t do that kind of manual labor, when I get a pedicure, I put on all the same chair settings and it doesn’t produce the same kind of bliss. At first I thought maybe I was going numb.
So what is happening and what does it mean in terms of my practice if I can no longer feel these deep shifts in my state of being?
I’m not sure I have the answer yet, but ultimately, I think it is a good thing that my nervous system isn’t so desperate to feel calm. It’s not that I never rush or make myself late – sometimes I do, but it’s not the norm anymore as it was for so many years. Thankfully, that level of cortisol pumping through me on a regular basis is just not there. What hasn’t changed is my worrying mind. The stress of my thoughts has yet to make such a dramatic shift. I am embracing that this is where my next level of “work” lies and it is actually exciting to recognize.
I started making progress last week when I saw how much I was “adding on” to whatever thoughts arose and how I can so easily make a story out of something that isn’t factually true. I started catching it and saying, “stop believing the story that you just created, Jean.” I’ve been trying to state facts instead and letting go of the rest. It’s not easy and it doesn’t seem to let up, but it feels more empowering than worrying. And of course, a loving voice helps – to bring compassion to the fear.
My invitation this week is first to notice what changes you have made where your nervous system doesn’t get as taxed over things as it did in the past. It’s worthy of recognition. I can’t say how many people in my A Mindful Life groups point out how much they have changed over the years. It’s really important to notice so that our brains take in the difference.
The second invitation is to be honest in seeing what hasn’t yet changed in terms of your stress levels and see if there is a willingness to go there and be proactive in doing something different. What would it look, feel, sound like?
The first invitation will help the second one know it is possible. We need to feel successful to keep moving in a direction. The only way to feel successful in the realms of our own stress management is to note when it changes. No one else can do that for us. So give yourself credit when you recognize that maybe you don’t rush so much anymore, or you used to be itching to get up when you meditated and now you can stay still, or you used to be angry more of the time. These are big shifts. And then… welcome the next step, the more advanced course and embrace the challenge. Why? Because it will give you the next level of “ahhhh”.
Happy June to you!
Jean
