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When I first learned the teachings on Right Speech (or what you could call mindful speech), one of the many lines that stood out in the classical definition, as translated by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, was this line,
“Not exaggerating or embellishing. We don't dramatize unnecessarily, making things sound better, worse, or more extreme than they actually are. If someone is a little irritated, we don't say that he is furious.”
Not exaggerating. We all know people who are especially prone to exaggeration, but it is likely we do it ourselves to some degree. I know I do. It can add dramatic effect or emphasize a point. It can be funny. It can get attention or get people to react. It can also add unnecessary drama and water the seeds of anxiety and fear if we are not mindful. It's easy to do, too! We may not think of it this way, but being aware of when we exaggerate and working to modify it is an act of kindness, to ourselves and to those around us. We can become attuned to the words we use and be more mindful so that we create less pain and suffering.
Certain words are good indicators that we might want to check in and see if we are making something bigger than it is. Words like always, never, hate/love, toxic, are some examples. "He always... They never... I hate…. I love (an object)... I had a "bad" day/year… She’s toxic… It’s a sh!# show." They may seem benign on the surface, but our speech matters. Are we saying what we mean? Are we being genuine? Are we adding on more than what is there? Is it really true? Are we expressing something that is coming from a very narrow perspective in a hot moment born from frustration, anger, fear? Are we caught up in the excitement of relating to another person/group over something we are passionate about and getting carried away in our unified perception of it?
My family will often hear me say, “I love cupcakes.” Is it true? Well, I really DO like them… a lot. Is love involved? Not so much. Does it really matter? Part of me says, “not really” because I think it is a given that people know this. The only downside is that when the word “love” is often used in this way, it waters down its meaning. If I say I “hate” something do I really mean that I feel hatred? It’s a strong word. I can’t actually call up something I hate. I have likes and dislikes for sure. Is someone really “toxic” or do they behave in a way that I or other people react to in a negative way? No one can be toxic, but we can react negatively to them (it’s on us, not them). If I say I am having "a bad day," it implies that's all there is to it. Is that true? Was every part of the day bad? Probably not, unless everything I saw and touched wilted like the way a witch in a fairy tale makes a fresh flower droop just by looking at it. But, my way of seeing and talking about my day could make it bad day, but that's a choice I get to make.
The obvious downside of exaggerating is that it can create heightened feelings; it can exacerbate anxiety and fear; it can lead to mistruths and incite gossip; it can label something/someone in a way that is not fair or complete. We are many different things. It doesn’t allow for us or others to change, to be more complex. It’s like talking about the same bad news again and again, it waters the negative seeds in us and in others. Often when we exaggerate, we can be making assumptions about another’s motivations or character when we don’t really “know” it to be true. Words have ripple effects and create meanings. What are we creating? It’s a good question when it comes to communication.
My simple invitation this week is to be more aware of the words we choose when we are describing something. We can notice their effects and, when we need to, we can self-correct and clarify. After-all, it feels good to be genuine, doesn’t it?
🌷🙏
Jean
“Not exaggerating or embellishing. We don't dramatize unnecessarily, making things sound better, worse, or more extreme than they actually are. If someone is a little irritated, we don't say that he is furious.”
Not exaggerating. We all know people who are especially prone to exaggeration, but it is likely we do it ourselves to some degree. I know I do. It can add dramatic effect or emphasize a point. It can be funny. It can get attention or get people to react. It can also add unnecessary drama and water the seeds of anxiety and fear if we are not mindful. It's easy to do, too! We may not think of it this way, but being aware of when we exaggerate and working to modify it is an act of kindness, to ourselves and to those around us. We can become attuned to the words we use and be more mindful so that we create less pain and suffering.
Certain words are good indicators that we might want to check in and see if we are making something bigger than it is. Words like always, never, hate/love, toxic, are some examples. "He always... They never... I hate…. I love (an object)... I had a "bad" day/year… She’s toxic… It’s a sh!# show." They may seem benign on the surface, but our speech matters. Are we saying what we mean? Are we being genuine? Are we adding on more than what is there? Is it really true? Are we expressing something that is coming from a very narrow perspective in a hot moment born from frustration, anger, fear? Are we caught up in the excitement of relating to another person/group over something we are passionate about and getting carried away in our unified perception of it?
My family will often hear me say, “I love cupcakes.” Is it true? Well, I really DO like them… a lot. Is love involved? Not so much. Does it really matter? Part of me says, “not really” because I think it is a given that people know this. The only downside is that when the word “love” is often used in this way, it waters down its meaning. If I say I “hate” something do I really mean that I feel hatred? It’s a strong word. I can’t actually call up something I hate. I have likes and dislikes for sure. Is someone really “toxic” or do they behave in a way that I or other people react to in a negative way? No one can be toxic, but we can react negatively to them (it’s on us, not them). If I say I am having "a bad day," it implies that's all there is to it. Is that true? Was every part of the day bad? Probably not, unless everything I saw and touched wilted like the way a witch in a fairy tale makes a fresh flower droop just by looking at it. But, my way of seeing and talking about my day could make it bad day, but that's a choice I get to make.
The obvious downside of exaggerating is that it can create heightened feelings; it can exacerbate anxiety and fear; it can lead to mistruths and incite gossip; it can label something/someone in a way that is not fair or complete. We are many different things. It doesn’t allow for us or others to change, to be more complex. It’s like talking about the same bad news again and again, it waters the negative seeds in us and in others. Often when we exaggerate, we can be making assumptions about another’s motivations or character when we don’t really “know” it to be true. Words have ripple effects and create meanings. What are we creating? It’s a good question when it comes to communication.
My simple invitation this week is to be more aware of the words we choose when we are describing something. We can notice their effects and, when we need to, we can self-correct and clarify. After-all, it feels good to be genuine, doesn’t it?
🌷🙏
Jean
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