Being Right

 

It's hard to believe that I am writing the last A Mindful Pause of this year. I am ready to get quiet. The leaves are now down, fallen into their own state of quiet, temporarily replaced by the lights so generously put up. I am thankful to all of you who put in that effort to brighten the end of the year. It is a time we can choose to pause, reflect, and be awed by all that has gone on in our lives in 365 days. I know that I feel ready for some closure and to begin anew.

Last week, in A Mindful Life, we were working with the practice of forgiveness. One wise member at the end of our discussion said, “it begs the question, what is it with humans and our need to be right?” This is a deliciously rich question. It feels especially relevant right now in a world where there are a lot of conversations and arguments on what is right and what is wrong. 

In response to the question, I asked, “and if we are told we are ‘right’ then what?” To be right implies that someone else is wrong. And herein lies a problem. Our assumed “rightness” is formed by our perceptions which have been created by our experiences, our history, our ancestral history, what we've been taught by many people who have been taught by many people all with their own complex histories, by our cultures, our religions, by advertisers. We are influenced beyond our knowing who is doing it. This is true of everybody. When we really grasp this, is it possible for concepts like right and wrong to hold much weight? How can I, in good conscience, say I am right and they are wrong? We are all going to perceive differently. The more relevant task at hand is to find ways to get along.

When I ask myself, honestly, what matters more to me? Being right or getting along? I know my answer. I grew up with people who insisted on being right and I would sit there as a child watching the impossibility of the situation play out. If I was on my deathbed and someone I had a long standing disagreement with said, “oh, Jean, I want you to know that you were right.” What would I feel? Probably a sense of validation. I suppose I would feel seen and understood and as though the world is as it should be now that I put that last puzzle piece in place. But, will I feel better in my relationship and rest in peace with the other person who now feels wrong? It seems that it would bring me just a little relief. More superficial than anything. What is validation other than being told we are good, we’re okay; the world is in order. What is our need to be right other than our need to feel steady in an unsteady world?

What if, instead, I could be okay in an unsteady world? What if I could let myself be uncomfortable in not knowing and let the puzzle be incomplete? What if I could let there be multiple viewpoints, keeping a reverence for life and the desire to not cause harm closest to my heart? The practice of meditation teaches us how to do this. We learn that we can stay with difficult feelings and not react. We learn that we can be still and wait until the sediment drops to the bottom so that we can have clarity. In stopping and resting our bodies and minds we remember what we can so easily get pulled away from, that life is short, that we let go of everything, that we are not separate, but intricately connected, that feelings and thoughts come and go, and that there is so much beauty and love to enjoy right here, right now. 

These conversations and arguments that are going on in all facets of organized people – our universities, government, towns, corporations, governing boards, religious institutions, news outlets, anywhere groups of humans have to work together and communicate, are stuck in a right/wrong way of thinking that will not arrive at greater peace or understanding. I watch it and am brought back to being that little girl at the dining room table feeling helpless at witnessing something that can’t end well. 

What if we, with our advanced human intelligence, were willing to choose to not be right or wrong, rather to be curious and to act motivated, first and foremost, from care and kindness? I am so dismayed by the current conversations, that I want to set my intention to practice this more and I invite you to join me if it speaks to you. Whenever I feel strongly about my view being the right one, I want to smile with some humility, step back, and ask, “what don’t I know here?” How can I allow myself to open to greater complexity around this subject? Can I let myself feel that shaky ground and let it be? Rather than take a binary stance on something, I can reflect on a more useful question like, “if I came from love, what would I think, say, or do here?” I have a feeling this will be a lot more productive than my wanting to be right about something. Let me know what you find if you try it on.

Thank you for being part of this community, for reflecting with me over these emails throughout the year. Wishing you all warm holidays and much peace as the year winds down. 

Jean

Getting Quiet In A Loud Season

 

After any big holiday, event, project, accomplishment, trip, or whenever there is significant tumult among living beings, what I need the most is to get quiet, to come home to myself and get centered again. It's not always easy to do because the impulse is to keep going, keep talking, doing, planning, thinking, analyzing. I have to be intentional about getting quiet. Given that we are in the midst of what I would call a "loud season," not bad, just loud, I thought I would make this A Mindful Pause about quiet.

Though I do love this time of the year, I know I can get caught up in the noise. I'm not talking about the perpetual leaf blowers, though I could add that in, rather the hype that comes with the year's end. Our mind and our senses get bombarded with advertising that awakens desire, consumption, expectation, pressure. We get inundated with holiday music. We receive daily requests to give money for year end appeals (for many good causes). Even if we don't get holiday invitations, we feel the hectic nature of things wrapping up (literally and figuratively). Kids come home from college; there's added busyness in preparation for any trips; there's decorating, shopping, and an emphasis on food. And all of that on top of working, home and family life, and sometimes sickness and death are in the mix (because it's on its own timeframe). The good news is, even with all of that, quiet within is possible.

During the weekend retreat I held this fall, we spent some time reflecting on quiet and specifically what quiet allows us. You might try it now and if you were on the retreat, you might refresh yourself, because we forget. You can start with the prompt: 

When there is quiet and when I am quiet, I... 

Let your answers to the prompt remind you what good comes from quiet. Quiet can bring other feelings, too. So, next, lean into the fear that lies behind not allowing quiet. Ask, "if I am in the quiet and allow myself to be quiet, what am I afraid might happen? Why do I need the distraction that keeps me from being quiet (checking my phone, turning on TV, podcast, radio, playing a game, making a call to fill the space, consuming, etc.). If I didn't do this and let there be more quiet, what might happen?" Some interesting insights come if you take the time to ask. You get to see what your are believing that might not actually be true, but could use some care and compassion and that opens the door to what might be possible.

To be quiet within is a powerful place to live from. In order to be comfortable there, we do need to practice. We don't have to be afraid of the quiet, of meeting ourselves, of feeling and just being.  And, whatever is whirling around us need not impede our inner peace. 

"Realize that silence comes from your heart and not the absence of talk ." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

You don't have to go to a cave in a mountain to find silence; it's found inside every time you let a thought go and come back to the present. It's found every time you pause before you reply. It's found every time you don't add onto a feeling, sensation with reactions to them. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Mindfulness is the practice that quiets the noise inside us." To be mindful takes a certain kind of intention and effort. Our habitual instincts are to react, but we can water the seeds that help us to stop, settle and digest so that we can then act (or not act) from a clear, more aware place.  What if we don't give our opinion to everything? What if we don't berate ourselves when we do? What if we didn't add to the noise, but bring calm, in our presence alone, which will speak volumes.

My invitation this week, and in these closing weeks of the year, is to be more intentional about going inside and getting quiet between the holidays, trips, gatherings, between taking in the news and sharing your opinion on it. Take a pause, get grounded, let go of contracting or pushing forward and let yourself get quiet. Commit to your meditation practice; take a solitary walk without headphones; eat a meal without doing something else at the same time; choose to listen rather than talk.

Let your whole body slow down and let your breath deepen. Find space between your thoughts by letting them go as they arise. You can always pick them up later, but you can take a break from the noise, inside and out. Most likely, you will emerge more connected, more present, more compassionate and loving.

Wishing you a peaceful week celebrating quiet.