We Don't Have To Be Sandpaper

 

The world is feeling a bit rough. Like the coarsest sandpaper. Not only are we being worn down, but some deep scratches are being made. In response, I've made the choice to emphasize love and kindness this month and for as long as is needed. When we meet something coarse, our habitual response can be to meet it with the same level of grit and yet grit against grit just gets ugly. The sound, the feel, the texture, the result is not so pleasant or beneficial. We can meet what's here in a better way. Let's start with ourselves and let it seep out into the world.  On a recent weekend, I spent time with a wonderful group of people who wanted to strengthen self-kindness. In the workshop, I suggest a way of befriending the critical part of ourselves. It's usually not our instinctual response, but if we meet our self-critic with irritation, we feed it. Like meeting sandpaper with sandpaper. There are other ways to go about it. They involve getting curious enough to ask what the fear is behind the self-criticism ("are you afraid that I..."), relate to the fear ("of course that would be scary"), bring in compassion (not fixing or talking it out of it), recognize the unmet need(s), and then be a friend to ourselves. We are not solving anything, but this process softens the hard edge we can have and moves us to another place. We can do it again and again until it becomes second nature to take care of our suffering. We are capable of doing that. We don't need a drug, a drink, an escape. We don't need a new lover, a new animal, a new trip. We don't need someone else to fill what has felt like a void. Here is also a simple mindset shift that we can do: Choose one thing that you hear from your self-critic. Just one. Name it (for example my critic says, "who are you to spend so much time in contemplation!"). Now, just imagine. You don't have to know how to do it, but just imagine if you stopped saying that one thing altogether, how would life feel different? If you no longer told yourself that you waste too much time or you're not smart enough, not capable, or you're a bad parent, or don't earn enough, etc., what would you feel instead? What might be possible without that? Some of  words I heard last week in response to this were free, capable, confident, at ease, joyful, light, more open. Of course we would feel these things! The fact that we can imagine what it would be like tells us that it is possible. Part of us knows that. We can water those seeds by being aware when the critical voice arises and in that moment make another choice. You might simply say "and if I didn't say this to myself right now, what would I do? What would I feel?" Let the answer to that dictate what happens next. It won't be the same as what your critic would have you do. We can stop using harsh words. We can stop the kind of crass, insensitive, "base" level talk that has emerged in our society. For it to really change, we need to start with ourselves. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we take it out on the people and groups around us. When we threaten ourselves (as our critic does), we act from fear and then we easily become judgmental of others and righteous. We add more fear. It has a snowball effect. What we are afraid of isn't our fault. It most likely came about a very long time ago because of causes and conditions way beyond our doing. So we may not be able to change that, but we can change what we do next and what we we pass on next.  We can start close to home and strengthen the inner structure of ourselves so we are strong, solid, steady, and free. From that place we can be of real use. No longer afraid, we can be generous and loving. 🧘🏽‍♂️ Jean P.S. If you missed the Strengthening Self-Kindness Workshop and this email draws your interest, please reach out to me and I will plan one for the spring.