If I can just get to...

 

If you have a meditation or mindfulness practice, most likely you understand the trouble with desire. It's a subject that often arises in Buddhism -- how our desire brings suffering. It's not because desire is bad, but because we get caught in believing that something outside of us will bring us lasting happiness and then we suffer because all things are impermanent and because once we obtain the thing we want, we want something else. We get accustomed to it and a new desire, dream, object becomes shinier. As well as I understand this, I still get caught off guard and realize I have been holding onto some false idea that if I can just get to this place I will be completely satisfied. The latest fantasy falls around my two beloved teenagers graduating high school. 

The end of junior year through the end of senior year is a challenging one -- to say the least. Times it by two (twins) and it's a doozie. And here we are. We are making it to the final days. I am finding that I'm still holding my breath. I am finding that what I thought would feel like some huge shift of relief, of success, of letting go, of I don't know what exactly, but of something big, something that would ultimately bring more ease...well, apparently it's not going to get filled in the way I thought. I mean, I am going to enjoy this accomplishment (of all of ours). Yes, we got through some rite of passage, but with bigger people come bigger problems and many I won't be able to do anything about going forward. So yes, we got through high school. They are still alive. We are still alive (barely). They still love us (I think). But the desire that a box checked would bring some reprieve of responsibility...not so much.  And that's where desire and expectations fall short.

In her book Nothing Special, the late Zen Teacher Charlotte Joko Beck, describes our predicament. She said, “there are two kinds of desires: demands and preferences. Preferences are harmless; we can have as many as we want. Desire that demands to be satisfied is the problem. It's as if we feel constantly thirsty, and to quench our thirst, we try to attach a hose to a faucet in the wall of life. We keep thinking that from this or that faucet, we will get the water we demand.” She goes on to say, “the problem is that nothing actually works. We begin to discover that the promise we hold out to ourselves – that somehow, somewhere, our thirst will be quenched – is never kept. I don't mean that we never enjoy life. Much in life can be greatly enjoyed: certain relationships, certain work, certain activities. But what we want is something absolute. We want to quench our thirst permanently, so that we have all the water we want, all the time. That promise of complete satisfaction is never kept. It can't be kept.”  Does this ring true to you? It does for me.

I find these words comforting because it really is the human predicament. As much as we may intellectually understand that desire is unquenchable, we can still get caught and find ourselves disappointed, again and again. The good news is that we start to recognize it and the disappointment doesn't bring us down for long. I can smile at my misperception and realize that the relief I want is inside me to find and I let go of my attachment that this moment in time should feel a certain way.

Recently, we discovered that a Robin built a nest under the metal awning at our backdoor. When the Robin's eggs hatched, we watched her diligently feeding her chicks. And then one day, my husband went out to move the recycling bin next to the backdoor and the Robin went nutty. Mike then realized the baby birds were learning to fly and in that moment one had flown from the nest and momentarily got caught on the old clothesline above Mike's head. The mama bird fluttered and squawked at Mike until he went away. When he told me the story, I felt better about my own desperately wanting to let let go and the struggle to do so. How I flail about at times lately. It is natural to have trouble letting go of those we love and what they do. We can make messes in the process, but there's nothing wrong. It's just part of life. In light of Charlotte Joko Beck's words, trying to get to a place where we don't feel those pangs of attachment, well that's just trying to attach to another faucet. It's just not going to happen.

My invitation this week is to notice when you get stuck thinking something will nourish you once and for all and smile. It's just what we do. And if you get disappointed in the process, to be gentle with yourself. I don't think the Robin beat herself up or got embarrassed after-the-fact for raising a ruckus when she felt a threat near. She just did what her instincts told her and they all flew on.

🧘🏽‍♂️🌼
 Jean

P.S. In the summer we can be tantalized by the historical feeling that "school is out" and we don't need routines (even if we still have to work). But stopping the routine of our meditation/mindfulness practice doesn't serve us well. In fact, we can enjoy the summer more if we are present and don't miss it! I encourage you to keep it going through the summer. Stay connected.