We Don't Have To Be Sandpaper

 

The world is feeling a bit rough. Like the coarsest sandpaper. Not only are we being worn down, but some deep scratches are being made. In response, I've made the choice to emphasize love and kindness this month and for as long as is needed. When we meet something coarse, our habitual response can be to meet it with the same level of grit and yet grit against grit just gets ugly. The sound, the feel, the texture, the result is not so pleasant or beneficial. We can meet what's here in a better way. Let's start with ourselves and let it seep out into the world.  On a recent weekend, I spent time with a wonderful group of people who wanted to strengthen self-kindness. In the workshop, I suggest a way of befriending the critical part of ourselves. It's usually not our instinctual response, but if we meet our self-critic with irritation, we feed it. Like meeting sandpaper with sandpaper. There are other ways to go about it. They involve getting curious enough to ask what the fear is behind the self-criticism ("are you afraid that I..."), relate to the fear ("of course that would be scary"), bring in compassion (not fixing or talking it out of it), recognize the unmet need(s), and then be a friend to ourselves. We are not solving anything, but this process softens the hard edge we can have and moves us to another place. We can do it again and again until it becomes second nature to take care of our suffering. We are capable of doing that. We don't need a drug, a drink, an escape. We don't need a new lover, a new animal, a new trip. We don't need someone else to fill what has felt like a void. Here is also a simple mindset shift that we can do: Choose one thing that you hear from your self-critic. Just one. Name it (for example my critic says, "who are you to spend so much time in contemplation!"). Now, just imagine. You don't have to know how to do it, but just imagine if you stopped saying that one thing altogether, how would life feel different? If you no longer told yourself that you waste too much time or you're not smart enough, not capable, or you're a bad parent, or don't earn enough, etc., what would you feel instead? What might be possible without that? Some of  words I heard last week in response to this were free, capable, confident, at ease, joyful, light, more open. Of course we would feel these things! The fact that we can imagine what it would be like tells us that it is possible. Part of us knows that. We can water those seeds by being aware when the critical voice arises and in that moment make another choice. You might simply say "and if I didn't say this to myself right now, what would I do? What would I feel?" Let the answer to that dictate what happens next. It won't be the same as what your critic would have you do. We can stop using harsh words. We can stop the kind of crass, insensitive, "base" level talk that has emerged in our society. For it to really change, we need to start with ourselves. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we take it out on the people and groups around us. When we threaten ourselves (as our critic does), we act from fear and then we easily become judgmental of others and righteous. We add more fear. It has a snowball effect. What we are afraid of isn't our fault. It most likely came about a very long time ago because of causes and conditions way beyond our doing. So we may not be able to change that, but we can change what we do next and what we we pass on next.  We can start close to home and strengthen the inner structure of ourselves so we are strong, solid, steady, and free. From that place we can be of real use. No longer afraid, we can be generous and loving. 🧘🏽‍♂️ Jean P.S. If you missed the Strengthening Self-Kindness Workshop and this email draws your interest, please reach out to me and I will plan one for the spring.

Give Yourself A Banana

 

The most frequent comment I hear about meditation is how different it feels to do in a group, rather than alone. People find it easier to commit and to concentrate with other people also practicing. When we are alone, there is no one holding us accountable and there isn't the focused energy in the room of other living beings getting still and quiet. In the last A Mindful Pause, I spoke about motivation and connecting to the "why" (why are we doing this) as the source of inspiration to carry through any task. This week, I want to focus on the self-guiding part of the equation that is needed when we are meditating together, but especially when we are practicing alone.

If I were to sit down to meditate and did not guide myself, even if someone else was also guiding me, my mind would be all over the place, swinging from thought to thought like a monkey swings from branch to branch. When someone else is guiding, their voice and words help bring me back, but I still need to guide myself to listen to them and to follow their directions, and to not wander in between. I need to provide my mind with something so it can settle down. Like giving a monkey a banana, it has a chance to stop and focus on just eating the banana. In meditation, I too, need a banana. 

What does it mean to give oneself a banana? It means giving ourselves a focal point, a place our mind can settle on and come back to when it gets diverted. It's like a home base. Sensing our inhale and exhale is a focal point. Listening to the sounds of the present moment can be a focal point. A phrase or mantra can be a focal point. We start our meditation centered on this chosen object of our attention and with the intention to keep coming back to that one thing. I need to direct myself there. It's not a one and done deal. I need to keep guiding myself. I hate to say it, but meditation is not effortless. It can have a quality of effortlessness, but it does take actively doing something.

So, if you thought you were just "bad" at meditating on your own, maybe that's not it all! Maybe you just needed more of your own direction and to know that's a major part of it. That discipline of self-direction is a gift we give ourselves. We learn that we can develop grit and we can stay even when the desire to do something else is pulling at us. It is very powerful to feel capable of staying the course.

When we do practice together, it strengthens our resolve, but when we also practice on our own, we become true mindful warriors. It's not enough to know how to meditate. The fruits of it only come in the doing. It also helps to know that it's not an overnight or instantaneous process. If you took one class or series and think that because you don't do it yet on your own it's not worth your time, that's because you have some idea that it should be a certain way, or you should be a certain way, or it should be easy, or maybe a goal you set is tripping you up (trying to get to a peaceful place). Let go of achieving something, let go of being good or bad at it, and just meditate. Keep it simple. Just stay with your object of concentration as best you can and keep returning when you drift. Don't worry about the result.

My invitation this week is to practice more, but with the clear intention of guiding yourself throughout the time you allotted. Even if you come together to practice in a group, you still need to guide yourself. Give yourself a banana and let yourself stop swinging from branch to branch. Your mind won't do it on its own. Meditation is not passive. You're nervous system will be grateful for the rest even if you have to apply some effort to do it.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

Motivation

 

Dear Friends,

It's MLK Day. A day to be inspired by a man who motivated others through the language of love, peace, and who encouraged a "beloved community." It's falling on Inauguration Day in a time when the country, the world, feels very divided, far from a beloved community. And yet, this confluence of events feels just right. Maybe we can be reminded that no matter what, we can create a beloved community. Dr. King stayed motivated in his lifetime and he continues to motivate. It's on us to keep his message alive in us. And that speaks to this week's theme on motivation. It doesn't just come. Motivation is something we must activate and we can. 
 
What keeps us motivated? Motivated to do anything? Meditate, get work/tasks done, clean a closet, start a new creative project, exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, show up, get up, change an unhelpful habit, start a helpful one? What keeps us inspired?

There are plenty of forces that will do the opposite. Cravings that our society fertilizes through the onslaught of advertising, social media, news, easy access to addictive substances, drugs, processed foods that cause more cravings -- you name it, we get showered with messages and products that pull us away from what we really want for ourselves. Our task of staying motivated to what brings us life, rather than detracts from life is not an easy one. I think it is helpful to remind ourselves of what we are up against today so that we don't think we just don't have what it takes. We do, but greater than at any other point in time, technology, access, and the speed at which things flow are powerful at manipulating us. A question worth contemplating is how do we stay aligned with ourselves, steady in our intention and dedication? How do we keep motivated and strong enough to receive these forces and stay the course?

I can think of no better motivator than the answer to "why?" Why do I want to? What does it bring me? What does it bring to those around me? Why does it matter? What value(s) of mine does it align me with? If I stay connected to the why on a regular basis, not with my intellect alone, but by sensing how I feel when I do whatever it is, I am more likely to follow through. Knowing why, I can ask, "what do I want to commit to today? What next step? What habit can I make of this?" 

Let's try it on. I'll use meditating as the example, but it could be anything you want to do because it brings you health (in body and mind), energy, peace, joy, courage, aliveness. Why do I meditate? Because it slows me down; it centers me; my nervous system recalibrates which helps me to be less reactive; I gain more clarity; I breathe deeper; I am more present; I interact with others with more care. Life feels better when I do. Better in the long-run.

Now try it for yourself, choose something you want /need to do and ask, "why?" Be detailed. Explicit in what benefit it brings you and others. What does it feel like in your body if you do the thing? Name the goodness that will come from it. Know that because you can imagine it, you are capable of it. Some things will still be hard, but it is much more empowering to do a hard thing motivated by what it will bring us. Now that you are clear on that much, what do you want to commit to today or this week? Remember that you'll need to refresh yourself on why often. "When I do it, I feel ____ (fill in the blank with the goodness)."

We can inspire ourselves. We need to do this for ourselves. While it helps to get support, tools, and encouragement around us (we all need that, too), we can know that we are competent to motivate ourselves. In the next A Mindful Pause, I'll share some of what we did in our recent groups about guiding ourselves and what that entails. We need the motivation, but then we need our own guidance. Until then, have an inspired week and may this day's events awaken in us what matters most and let's recommit to living from that place.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

P.S. Motivated to start a meditation practice? Motivated to be kinder to yourself?  Motivated to practice meditation more regularly?  Beginning Meditation Series Starts next week, Self-KIndness Workshop is in two weeks, Drop-In Meditations groups are always available, and A Mindful Life groups start their next segments in two weeks.

Nuggets For A New Year

 

Happy New Year. I am truly happy to get back to routines with a fresh start. Thank you to those of you who showed up to the New Year's Day Meditation & Bell Ringing. We had 45 beautiful people present and many thoughtful and genuine shares. If you could not be there, this first A Mindful Pause of the year includes the talk I gave. You can read it below or if you prefer to listen for 10 minutes, you can do that here. Teachers, helpers, healers often come across as having it all together. I always like to shatter that myth so that people don't feel like they are inferior for struggling. We are all doing the best we can with the tools we have. The gift is that we can always learn more tools and that is what I hope to offer. Not some ideal, just ways of thinking and being that keep opening us up. Sitting here on this snowy afternoon, I am delighted by the view out my window. The feeling of warmth and coziness combined with feelings of hopefulness and inspiration are a welcomed change. Wishing you all the grace of beginning again. 🧘🏽‍♂️ Jean

New Year's Day Talk 2025 On New Year’s Day last year, I read a section from the children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit and spoke about what it means to become real. When we practice living mindfully, we organically become more authentic and genuine, more real. On that note, I’ll be honest right now and say that after all that went on for me in 2024, leading up to today, I have felt at a loss as to what to share with you as we start anew. Some of you have already heard me say that 2024 was one of my more difficult years. It was marked by challenge — loss, trauma around the loss, confusion, and a constant stream of stresses. It is hard to inspire others from that place. It was certainly not a “bad” year. I never call it that. There were many, many gifts in it. While I can say that I had courage and brought forward a lot of effort to tend to what kept presenting, I also failed through some of it, mostly in words, but sometimes in action.  Unfortunately, as you have probably experienced yourself, failures stick to us a bit more than successes do and so I am needing to work harder to see the full picture. So, how do I inspire from this place that is still raw and processing what went on? If I told you I already gained wisdom from these experiences, it would not be real. In time, I may have something useful to share about grief, about raising teenagers, about communicating better, about being a daughter, a sibling, a spouse, a friend, a teacher. But, for now, I am still digesting and learning and I feel very humbled by the past year and humbled to be before you today. We come together whether it is here on New Year's Day or in our groups and meditations at the studio or online each week for a particular reason and that is to remember. We already know what we need to live well. We already know, inside, what we value. We already have many skills and tools to guide us. But we are all of the nature to forget. There are many forces at work to help us to forget, to pull us out of alignment with our true nature, with our inner wisdom. When we come together we are reminded of what we know and we realign. It helped me to remember that I don’t need to inspire you. But I can bring us together and we can remind each other by our presence and practice of what matters to us.  While my confidence in my ability to come from my highest place in the hardest moments has been rattled by this past year, one thing I know for sure and can confidently share is that mindfulness practice kept me sane and able to keep showing up as best I could. And so, it is with this one bit of clarity that I want to highlight three nuggets of practice that have helped me over the year. Though I may say these quite a bit in the groups and meditations I lead, they can be subtle and easy to miss, to forget and yet, I think they are rather profound. The first one… This fall, at the beginning of meditations, I started saying, “for this little while, you have an opportunity to do something different.” Meditation is not intended to be a time for us to let our thoughts run amok, but it is time to do something other than be carried away. We spend a tremendous portion of our day thinking about some other time, or in fantasy, or thinking about what we want, or what “should be,” rather than experiencing the very moment that we're in, as it is, as we are. The statement, “for this little while, you have an opportunity to do something different,” is meant to wake us up and be intentional in choosing to put down what pulls us away and be here, now. It is a radical act. Everything we do could be an opportunity to do something different. To not do the habitual, but to see everything afresh, anew, with curiosity, with equanimity. This is hard to do. Many things went on for me this year that I was unable to meet with equanimity or bring curiosity to, but at the very least, my meditation practice was a way to keep reminding myself to stop and get in touch again with what matters.  We can begin again. A New Year gives us that opportunity also. To not see it as just another year we are entering, but a unique year of our lives where we get to practice choosing how we meet whatever arises in it. To have a say in what we cultivate, what we create, what we maintain and how we maintain it. But we have to recognize it first – this is an opportunity. Each day is an opportunity. Each moment is an opportunity. Even my way of seeing the past year is an opportunity to see it with more awe, wonder, and curiosity.  That’s the first nugget — we have an opportunity to do something different. My second nugget you’ll hear me say in meditation is, “only you can let yourself rest” or “only you can let yourself be at ease.”  How many of you subconsciously think that someone is going to give you permission, as if someone else can allow you to let go, to be at ease and you’re waiting for that permission to come? Unfortunately, or fortunately, no one can do this for us. It has to be a choice we make to put things down – put down doing, getting places, rushing, planning, rehashing, perfectionism, blaming, consuming (all the things we can consume). Even then, when we do put things down, it is still up to us to let our physical tension go, to be at ease in our body. If I carry something heavy and put it down, but still clench my shoulders, my hands, my abdomen, then I have not yet put it down. This also is very radical. It is an act of self-kindness that we can strengthen when we meditate. What this gets at is… Are you kind to yourself? And if you are not kind to yourself, are you looking for it outside of you? As if someone else can give it to you? While we need the kindness of others, if we can’t give it to ourselves, we will always be searching outside of ourselves. It is a hard feeling to always be searching. Every time we meditate, we have an opportunity to practice self-kindness.  Nuggets 1 and 2 – this moment is an opportunity to do something different and only we can let ourselves rest and be at ease.  This brings me to the 3rd notion I have been emphasizing that very much goes with the last one. As we scan the body at the beginning of meditation, I will often suggest allowing yourself to be soft and open in your body. You can try it right now, to meet this moment not contracted, hardened, tight with judgment, defensive, ready for a fight. But to let yourself have a soft belly, an easy ribcage, a relaxed chest, open face, soft eyes.  Do you know when you meet someone with an openness about them – you can see it in their face, in their eyes, in their voice? It's a beautiful thing. We can all be like that. There is a lot in life that causes us to close off. What I find is that in meditation, I become aware that I have armoured up again, and again, I can choose to take it off. It’s okay to armour up in moments, but we don’t have to stay with that heavy metal on. Over time, we grow in the ability to leave the armour off for longer periods of time. We are more effective, more loving, more understanding, we communicate better if we are present, open, unarmoured. My invitation this year is to keep coming together so that we can help each other remember that each moment is an opportunity, that we can choose to be more at ease, to rest, to be soft, open and kind. We can cultivate this for ourselves and for the benefit of all beings. The world needs us to do this. Life feels better this way.

Stopping The Chatter

 

This coming Saturday, I will turn 50. There's something about it that's shocking. I am grateful to be turning 50. My father had only 9 more years to live when he turned that corner. So there's no complaining here. It's more just a shock at how fast these adult years have gone. I want the passage of time to slow down. I know it won't. But, I can slow down. Not because I need to. Not because I am old, but because I want to savor this.

Slowing down. It was the topic in my recent A Mindful Life sessions. We practiced specifically slowing our words and sentences down. We practiced taking space and time in a conversation. The content didn't matter as much as our pausing to listen for our words and meanings. To not fill the space with chatter. If you were the listener in the exercise, the practice was to not fill the silences with the need to affirm, overly emote, or do something, but simply wait with presence. It is amazing to be listened to in this way. To know that the person before you won't take over, but wants to hear you discover what matters to you. And yet, we so rarely do this for each other in our regular life. We go to therapists for it and even then, some therapists don't do this either. 

My invitation this week of my birthday. The thing I so wanted growing up...to be listened to, to be curious about, and to have those around me to listen to each other and be curious about each other, I welcome you to try on. See how it feels to change the pace of your words. To let there be more pauses and silences between the sentences while you search for what you really want to say and not say more. If you need time, let whoever is listening know..."can you give me a second while I see what it is I want to say about this?" Ask for space to think (and feel). It will change the whole dialogue. And, if you are listening, do the same for the other. Be quiet. Don't add on. Don't overly emote. Don't take them away from what they are trying to find. Certainly don't give advice, or compare your experience unless they ask for it. And, if you are more quiet as you listen, they are likely to dig deeper. It will all be a lot more interesting and engaging. 

Maybe this can't be what our conversations are like all of the time. Back and forth banter can be playful and fun! But, certainly, a lot more of our interactions can be this rich. December can be very full of social events and end-of-year activities. Why not make them more meaningful? I welcome you to share what you find with me or ask questions where you get stuck. 

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

P.S. December craziness can take over. I love the month, but it can be hectic if I get caught up spinning in my mind about what I need and want to do. It takes more specific dedication to stop and pause. I welcome you to join me in doing that. Drop-in meditations, end of year workshops...see below and carve out the time so you can enjoy the month and last weeks of the year.

Keep Chopping Wood

 

There is a Zen phrase that goes, “before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” The phrase has been morphed into one said by many football coaches. I hear it often from my husband whenever we have a setback, small or large, in any area of our lives. His legendary, high school football coach comes through him. He would say, “just keep chopping wood, boys” when the team was down. It clearly made an imprint on Mike who lives by that phrase and is one of the most resilient men I know. I can tell when he’s moved into that “chopping wood” mode. So now, I hear the phrase in my own head and I never played football. (You might be humored to know that Mike cringes when I “talk ball”).

For those of you who didn’t like the way this election turned out, this is the phrase that is helping me now and I offer it to you. For any of you, who are happy with the results of this election, please read on, too, as this might be helpful for when things change again, as all things do, and for whenever you feel setback in what is important to you. We are all resilient and will need to be until our last breath.

Basically, it’s a reminder to us to keep doing what we do. Not looking to arrive somewhere because, as we know, when we get there, there will simply be another destination to aim for, or it will change anyway. Not adding thoughts, speculations, evaluations on top of what’s here, we can just be where we are (feel what we feel) and do what it is we are doing as we do it (presence). If what we are doing is aligned with what we value, to what matters to us, and it is not harmful, and we recognize that we are part of a larger whole much greater than our individual selves, all we need to do is that thing. Keep chopping wood.

I will continue to show up and offer what I can, of what I know, of what might be useful. I will offer opportunities to meditate, to reflect, to build self-kindness, to speak with greater care, to practice gratitude and humility, to stretch our perceptions, to build a caring community.

I may feel powerless in changing what has arisen, but I am not powerless in what comes next because what I do now goes into the mix of what happens next, along with countless other things. Not getting fixed on attaining, I can bring my best self forward and give of myself. Giving not from a place of fear, guilt, shame, anger, resentment. Giving not from a place of moral high ground. Just giving from kindness and love. Why? Not because I’m some martyr, hero, or saint, but selfishly because I want to be at peace and if others are not at peace I know I won’t be at peace. Your peace is mine and mine is yours. And that goes for the earth and all the plants, trees, insects, and animals on it. Their peace is my peace and my peace is theirs. 

No one really won here. No one really lost here. Nothing to attain. Just keep chopping wood. Feel what you feel and do what you do. Put your best self forward again and again. And if some days your best self is mediocre in your eyes, then just do that.

Sending love and support. Come to meditation this week or begin your practice this week. It’s all available to you.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

I'm Not Okay

 

Are you familiar with the experience of having a generalized feeling that something's "not okay?" It's not specific. It's a feeling, rather than an actual thing. It plays at a low level hum. It may actually be anxiety, but what it feels like is a quieter "I'm not okay." I'm not sick, confused, or in any actual danger. I just don't feel at ease. Something MUST be wrong.

When we have too much to navigate in life in a concentrated period of time, even when we come out of it, or when it lessens, the feeling of not being okay can stick and we have a continued perception that something's wrong even when it isn't. I feel like I have been there a lot lately and it makes sense. It's been a challenging year for me and I'm not really out of the woods yet (2 teenagers in the fall of their senior year -- that's all I need to say). When I look at the full picture, it's no wonder that I have that feeling of "not okay" these days.

For many people, a lot of things don't feel okay in today's world. I don't' think that's anything unique to our time, but it's certainly heightened right now with a contentious presidential election right before us, wars and violence in the world, so much hatred being spewed about, and news that travels faster than the speed of light. It's really hard to feel okay. But we need to. To not make things worse, we need to remember for the benefit of ourselves and all beings.

How? We stay in the present moment. Easier said than done, I know. It takes consistent practice. We practice being aware of what's arising in us and not reacting. We first need to be aware that the feeling of "not okay" is there. Once we realize that's what we are believing, we can check in and see if it's actually true in the present moment. Am I not okay? Most of the time, in the present moment, we are okay. Nothing is "wrong." We might not like what's going on. We may have opinions about it, fears about it. We may be uncomfortable, but we are okay. I can be okay in my discomfort, in my grief, in my anger, in my sadness, in my confusion, in my fatigue, you name it. I won't explode. Even in the worst case scenarios, if I am right there in the moment (not in the next moment), I am breathing and what's happening is just what's happening right now.

This is what it looks like...I'm standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes. My life is not being threatened, though some part of my brain thinks so. I sense the underlying strumming of the melody that "something's not okay" and I take a breath and ask...

"In this very moment are you okay?"
"Well, yes."
"Is anything really wrong?"
"No, I just don't like not knowing (how _____ is going to work out)."
Of course not; no one does; it's hard to not know. Are you breathing? Are you washing the dishes?
"Yes to both."
"Good. Breathe, wash the dishes, and let yourself feel the discomfort of not knowing. Just that. You're okay. This moment is okay."

This simple process takes awareness, willingness to get real, and the choice to let go of what we are adding on. This is why we meditate. We strengthen that muscle every time we sit, observe, and stay with ourselves. And that muscle strengthens our ability to cope with all that we are presented with in life one moment at a time, which is all we actually have. 

My invitation this week is, first, to practice meditation so that you can do this. With that practice in your reserves, whenever you feel a sense that something is "wrong" -- a twinge of unease, restlessness, "not enoughness," any unfavorable feeling, stop and ask yourself, "in this very moment, am I okay?" Hear the "yes, I'm just feeling ____" (fill in a feeling word). Let it resound through your body that you are okay and allow the feeling to be there without making it wrong. Return to what you are doing with tenderness for what we all go through. Just that. Rinse and repeat as needed.

If we let ourselves "be," then we are, in essence, okay. We can take care of ourselves. I use these lines in a meditation and I welcome you to use them if they work for you. "I'm enough just as I am. This moment is enough just as it is." And even if you hear a "no, I'm not enough" come back in response, let that be okay. Nothing's wrong.

The next time I write, it will be just a day after my retreat at the Dharmakaya Center for Wellbeing in upstate New York and just a day before the election. I look forward to being back with you then and offering any support I can. Throughout these weeks, let's stay grounded together. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being in the community.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

P.S. Want to be more in the community and put the practices to work more in real time? Come practice with me and the lovely community. See below for what's coming up. 

P.S.S. My website is updated with new photos of my renovated studio which Emily Feinsod Photography captured so beautifully. Check it out. 

Flexibility & Rigidity

 

In A Mindful Life this fall, we have been focusing on the skills, tools, inner resources we can use to stay centered, grounded, stable in times of heightened uncertainty. Our recent group exploration was on flexibility and rigidity. It is obvious that if we are rigid in our way of thinking, being, and acting, we are bound to suffer more. Because everything is constantly changing, we need to be able to adapt, shift, bend, which isn't always easy. You have likely witnessed older or solitary people become increasingly rigid in their behaviors because they haven't been exercising that ability to bend in their patterns, ways of thinking, being, etc. Throughout our lives, we can benefit from stretching our perceptions and behaviors. When we do, we help, not only ourselves, but those around us. Stretching often involves some level of discomfort which is helpful to keep in mind so that we can be okay being uncomfortable to arrive somewhere new. This week's invitation is to notice the simple ways you get fixed on things being a certain way in your day, week, in your requirements of how things go, in your schedule, in your traditions. Starting with some of the easier ones, see what happens if you let go and do it differently, even just a little bit. Maybe you do something the way someone else wants to because it's really not a big deal, or you say "yes" instead of "no," or you compromise. Maybe you shift the order of events, try something new,  go somewhere different, walk on a new path (try a different restaurant, read a different type of book, walk home a different way, sleep on the other side of the bed, move your furniture around). Maybe you try on another perspective or seek to understand one that is different from yours. Why do this? Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to be? We do it when we are honest with ourselves and realize that our rigidity is keeping us from experiencing, from growing, from receiving, from giving, from being generous and open. When it stops us. There are signs we can be on alert for that tell us we are becoming fixed. Feelings like boredom, judgement, irritation, self-righteousness are some. When we self-isolate, think in absolutes, or have the sentiment "only I can do it right." When we think it's not okay to fail or don't bother because it won't be perfect. When we can't forgive or feel resentful. When we stop doing anything new we can know that we are stuck. In that place, we are likely to get more fearful, not less, more unable to flow with change or disruption. In time, staying in my perceived order and safety, I am bound to suffer more. Who wants that! Let's wish ourselves the grace of humility and playfulness as we bend this week. 🧘🏽‍♂️ Jean P.S.  Practice meditation with us tomorrow and Saturday at the studio. Want to be on the weekly meditation reminder list? Send me a quick note and it will arrive in your mailbox every Sunday for the week.

It's Not A Dirty Word

 

It's officially fall. Let's take a collective breath together after we've made the often chaotic adjustment back from summer. We can let the busyness of the past few weeks settle as we make this transition into the colorful season of letting go. 

Speaking of settling, over the past week, I shared a snow globe with my groups to give a visual of what we are striving to do when we sit in meditation and how it can be useful in our everyday life. We practice staying steady in the midst of everything else that may be swirling around (and right now  there is a great deal swirling around in this country and in this world, in addition to our personal lives). We observe ourselves and choose not to run around, chasing thoughts, getting caught up in the chaos, but instead to stay grounded. It is a practice that needs strengthening. What does it take to stay embodied, connected, grounded, or to come back down when we do get swept up? 

I feel old fashioned saying it, maybe because it feels taboo to say in today's climate, but "self-discipline" is what feels most true to my experience of learning how to resist the pull of forces all around us. No one else can make me have self-discipline which is what makes it so empowering. If I let myself be swayed by every impulse, feeling, and desire to do something, to have something, to follow something, to say something, more often than not, I'm not making mindful choices or choices I will feel good about later. In fact, I am not free to choose anything when I'm at the whim of my thoughts, feelings, and desires. That's not to say that being spontaneous or trusting one's gut feeling is not valuable. Of course, if I am overly regimented, I may never be surprised or delighted. But, if I can't observe what arises with curiosity and awareness and without acting immediately, I am likely to do a lot of unhelpful things for myself and others. We help kids develop this muscle when we teach them to wait, or show them the value of working toward something, or when we let them be bored and discover something on their own.

In meditation on Saturday, I shared how much I wanted to look at my phone during the meditation to see if my son, with his newly acquired license and responsibility, had left the house in time for his cross country meet. The pull to pick up the phone was strong, but I didn't. I sat in the discomfort and it passed. It was the perfect practice of feeling the temptation, the incessant cajoling of my mind, and not giving in. We can have a healthy relationship with self-discipline, one that's not dictated by "shoulds" but guided by awareness. One that reminds us to stay with the task we set forth to do because we can. In meditation, staying with our breathing exercises our ability to do one task -- to be in the present. It is a workout of its own and the benefits translate into our everyday life when we realize that we are more present to everything. 

In a culture where instant gratification is awarded so easily, it makes this practice an even greater ask. It requires us to practice more. We don't have to wait for much today. We can instantly have all kinds of food, entertainment, material goods, games delivered to us. We can get a hit of endorphins when we open our devices and get a "like" or play a game. We can distract ourselves easily with non-stop news, emails, communication. What meditation teaches is that we can just sit through the feeling, the pull. We won't explode. We won't miss anything. In fact we will be more present to the life that's here right now.

My invitation this week is to celebrate self-discipline. In what ways have you noticed  that self-discipline has enriched your life? Think through small things you take for granted. What healthy habits have you trained yourself in? How did you get to be successful at what you do? Most likely self-discipline was in there to some degree. Make note of the ways you currently choose to do something even when you feel the pull not to (for example, maybe you brush your teeth, even though you just want to get in bed). Let's make it not so taboo to choose to hold our tongue, to wait instead of react, to concentrate on the one task before us and not distract ourselves with a quick hit, to enjoy the reward that comes from observing, waiting, and choosing to act with awareness. To let ourselves be uncomfortable, or to be okay in not knowing how to do something. To stay steady amidst our own thoughts, feelings, desires. The reward is worth it. It is empowering.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

Beginnings, Endings, Presence & The Path

 

September brings with it a lot of beginnings. Because new things are asked of us when we begin something, beginnings also involve change. Even what we perceive as endings are beginnings of something new -- a new period of time, a new way of being, a new landscape, etc. For me, this month brings the start of all my groups, the start of the school routine with my teenagers, the start of them driving on their own and what that means for me, the start of cooler temperatures and leaves falling, the start of a new self-care routines, the start of relationships with new members in the community. Something new I've been seeing on social media about seniors, "its the first last day of school!" I didn't know that was a thing!

We can meet beginnings in a contracted state, ready to protect against what we don't know, or we can meet them with trust in possibility and growth, knowing our resiliency is strong, should we need it. The latter feels better emotionally and physically, but it takes some attention and intention to let go of habitual guarding that arises. It takes awareness that the guardrails are emerging and then the perspective to choose how we really want to meet it. Meditation, mindfulness, awareness -- they are the path to freedom, to ease, peace, contentment, and that's because unless we see what we think, feel, say, and do, we can't choose. We are not free at all and happiness eludes us.

Though our habit energy is strong, we are not servants to it. To create new habits, to see meaning in things, to be filled with awe, wonder, gratitude takes applying ourselves. It is not effortless, but it can become less effortful the more we practice. Without this effort, I may have missed this experience...

Last week, I went to convocation day at my son's school on the 2nd day of his senior year. I warned him that hearing live bagpipers at ceremonies often makes me cry and I would try not to embarrass him. I thought it was a beautiful ceremony, though this yearly tradition seemed routine to the school community. I didn't get the sense that crying at the bagpiper's music was a norm. The experience was fresh to me, though.

A senior stood at the podium to share some words on courage that was accompanied by a slide projection of illustrations to the far left of the gymnasium corresponding to each line he read. The audience turned and watched the projections, but my eyes stayed on the student whose posture was attentive and upright. Almost military in his demeanor, he was clear and deeply articulate. When he sat down, he sat at attention and let out a deep breath and sigh of relief. All I could do was smile from ear to ear. This was the same student I remembered three years ago, like my son, a newcomer to the school. He shouted out a "goodbye James" back then after soccer practice and I felt relief at the time, that someone knew my son's name and wasn't afraid to connect. He gave a talk on courage and I could see that courage at work inside him on that first day of his freshman year and on this "last second day." And then the tears did want to start flowing and it wasn't because of the bagpiper. I looked at the class of 90 students across from us in the bleachers of that gymnasium and thought about all the experiences this one group of young people will have before them. How many will thrive, how many will get stuck, how many may have ill health or not live as long as me. I thought of all the awkwardness in these high school years and how they will outgrow it, or already have, and just how amazing the whole things is...this life.

To some teachers, students, administrators, trustees this was just another ceremony, another speech. If we don't look closely, if we miss that freshman shouting a goodbye, if we miss the nuances and don't stop long enough to take in the life that's here, well, then it is just another ceremony, another day. I drove home and felt joy and awe that morning. And that was a beautiful thing.

My invitation this week is for us to keep our eyes, ears, senses open so that we don't miss the subtle, beautiful gestures and the awkward moments that remind us how precious and vulnerable we all are together. We can let that tenderness of being wake us up to joy and love. We have to slow down to do it. We have to be present.

Wishing you all a week of noticing beginnings and choosing how you want to meet them.

🌻
Jean

No Beginning, No Ending

No beginning and no ending. Only continuation. It's a concept that Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh, would speak of again and again in countless talks and books. Sometimes, it is easy to recognize the wisdom of this notion in our life. We can see that what exists didn't come from nothing, so many causes, conditions, elements went into its being here. It, too, doesn't just end. Its substance, its energy, changes form and continues. Science verifies this. And yet, when it comes to the people we love, this one can be a little harder to grasp. An ending is felt. And of course, in the classic Zen way, we are also told not to cling to concepts at all. There is both an ending and no ending, a beginning and no beginning.

I've been reflecting on all of this quite a bit this year. With the passing of my mom in the spring, I keep running up against, "that's all good and fine with continuation; I know she continues in me, but she is not here -- I can't talk to her" and a wave of sadness washes over me and the tears fall. The waterworks often come in the car when I think of calling her and I realize I can't. So I try as best I can to hold onto her voice and what she would say when she picked up the phone, always happy to hear from me, and I talk back as if she is here. I suppose that is its own continuation. But lately, I have been playing with an even bigger thought which is somehow more comforting to me, which is that she doesn't continue in me. I am her. She is me. This feels even more centering, solid, free. The feeling of absence diminishes with this thought. I was never not her and she was never not me. And though harder to feel, it is true of all people. But if that sounds too out there, I understand. Let me get back to continuation... 

This past Sunday night I had a simpler understanding of no beginning and no ending. I facilitated the last Sunday night meditation group. 11 years ago I started this group at what was then The Wellspring Health Collective. I sat, often alone, until the first dedicated member, Meredith Sue, found me and we sat each week until the group expanded one person at time, slowly, over years. We outgrew that space and were generously offered space at what was then South Mountain Yoga in South Orange. After 2 years we had to move and this time we made our home at St. George's Church where the group grew even more until the pandemic struck. We didn't miss a beat, but went online that March where we have been since. And now, for various reasons, the time is ripe for change again and while I am ending that particular group, I am starting more.  It is an ending and a beginning. It had already begun way before me. Countless teachers, people, groups and life experiences led me to create that Sunday night community. I couldn't say where it began. I also can't say where it will end, as all the experiences people shared there live on in them and flow out of them. Some of us will still sit together at other times and others will find new ways to practice, as was true with so many of the people who came and went over the 11 years. It is such a beautiful example of continuation and of the necessity of change. Nothing new grows without change.

My invitation this week is to welcome the evolution of something that is happening in your life. It might be something that is changing, something that may appear to be ending, or beginning. See if you can open it up and be aware of all that led to it's being and how it may continue to go on, creating a ripple that creates another. See just how big and connected all of this living is. Rest in it. Find comfort in it. Trust in it.

🌻
Jean

Summer Self-Care Check-In

 

We are at that point in the summer where it might be nice to do a self check-in. Whether it is your favorite season or least favorite, I invite you to take a pause.

There are still approximately 6 more weeks of summer left. Though, if you are at all tied into the school calendar, it may feel more like 3 weeks or less. Either way, seasons tend to go quickly and the summer is often one where we make promises to ourselves to lighten up, maybe have more fun, or simply change the pace and intensity, or somehow get replenished in some way. Our best intentions to do something nice for ourselves sometimes don't come to fruition in our actions and suddenly the summer is over. So, before we get to that place, from a place of kindness, we can check-in.

Put all judgment aside for this. This is a self-kindness exercise, so it doesn't make any sense to have it there. As you read this, take time to close your eyes, breathe, and hold each question patiently waiting to see what comes. Start by asking...

Have I given myself what I knew I needed this summer? Is there anything I am still longing to have nourished before the fall arrives?

See if a word or phrase comes to the surface that captures a particular quality, need, element that feels missing or incomplete. Anything from the general or specific may come (ex. alone time, spontaneity, inspiration, sleep, space, relaxation, movement, connection). When the answer comes to you, slowly say it back..."I could still use______." Say it a couple of times to see how it lands. Is that the word that feels true? If so, how does it feel to acknowledge it (if not, try again and see what does feel true)? If the answer is "yes, I am full," what is it like to stop and take that in -- to actually feel full before you move on to another season?

If you did hear something you are still wanting to be nourished, what could you do in the next couple of weeks to bring some of it in. It may not be exactly what you imagined at the start of the summer, but there may be something simple that you could do that would nourish you. Maybe you didn't get to take a week long beach vacation, but maybe you can take a morning at the shore. Maybe you expected to feel more rested by now, and you still want rest, what can you eliminate to have more space and ease? It might require imperfection, but if you agree to the imperfect nature of it, it will be nourishing. If you get stuck on it only counting if it is a certain way, then you'll cause yourself suffering. Our ideas about something can easily get in the way of our actual experience. Instead, let yourself be nourished one bite at a time. It is amazing how the bites add up and suddenly you are full.

Lastly, another way to feel full is to recognize all that did get nourished in you this summer that you might not have planned or acknowledged yet. All the other pieces of goodness when we take stock add up to make for a very rich existence.

Feel free to reach out and send to me what came to you in this exercise. I am happy to be a witness.

🌻
Jean