Are You Allowed To Be Happy?

 

Dear Friends,
 

We do an exercise in my groups where we lay out before us what is weighing on us, what keeps us from feeling okay. In the past couple of weeks, I've had the delight of not having much to lay out. It leaves me asking, why then is it so hard to allow myself to enjoy this happiness? Certainly with the world facing so many issues, it’s not as though there aren’t things to be concerned about. But in my personal life, I can’t say any major things are dragging on me right now. Yes, our dryer is broken, the dishwasher is broken, my car tire needs air (again), I have mood swinging teenagers (enough said), but I don’t count those as heavy weights. I’m aware that this time is a gift I could enjoy. I am also aware that it will change. Why not, while things are flowing, just enjoy the flow? Why is it so hard to relax even when the conditions are saying, “yes, you can?”

I know I am not alone in this difficulty of allowing myself to rest in the peacefulness of a moment, whether it's an hour, a week, a month, or a season of life. For some it’s the feeling of anticipating when the other shoe will drop and so there’s no letting one’s guard down. That’s not it for me. I know a shoe will drop at some point and I’m not anxious about it. It’s more a feeling that I must not be doing something that I “should” be doing, not working hard enough. More simply put, that I am not enough. I can't possibly deserve to feel this good (as if we need to deserve it at all!). That’s both funny and sad at the same time. 

Sunday night, while millions of people were watching the Super Bowl, 10 of us were meditating and listening to the words of Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh on the subject of getting hooked on some idea of happiness. The notion that I’ll be happy when______ (this issue is resolved; when winter is over; when that project is behind me; when my back stops hurting; when this relationship is better; when my kitchen is renovated; when I move; when that president is out of office; when I make more money; when I know my kids are turning out alright…the list goes on. And that’s because it does always go on. It’s just an illusion that our happiness is tied to something. The issue lies in our human inclination toward craving and desire. We don’t have to make it a bad thing either. It just is. The awareness is what matters. “Oh, I am believing that if only ______, then I’ll be okay.” The awareness helps us step back from it and see more broadly. From here, rather than try to fix it or judge ourselves for falling for the illusion, we can access compassion for this human struggle that everyone, everywhere contends with. To be caught in a web is hard.

Thich Nhat Hanh would say that “happiness is found in the present moment.” To understand this, we have to know how to let go. To let go of our perceptions of how things should be so that we can open up our narrowed vision to see more of what’s actually here. To let go of the past and the future so we don't miss the beauty present right now. Letting go is not easy, but it is the key to our happiness.

If I were to let go of thinking that there is something more I need to be and that this moment of happiness is my true home, not a place I get to visit, but the place I can continually abide, a great wave of ease washes over me. 

Wishing you moments of allowing yourself to be content and, dare I say, happy, joyful, peaceful. We all have that capacity and we are all worthy of feeling it. It is the way to change the world for the better. After all, how can unhappy, anxious people make a joyful, generous, loving, free world? The best gift we can give is our happiness, our being content, at peace, at ease.

💖
Jean

P.S. I’ve got a workshop on letting go coming up in March. If you are not in A Mindful Life (we will be covering it in this segment), please join me for an exploration on a subject which is at the core of our happiness and one we will approach with care. More coming soon!

Come As You Are

I've been sharing this simple line in my meditations and find it to be such a powerful notion that I wanted to bring more attention to it. I welcome you to try it on and see if it brings you the relief it brings me.

Whenever we are in the present moment there is nothing more we need to be. Why is that? In the present moment we are only experiencing that moment. Thoughts don't apply; there's only sensation (seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, moving, feeling). There's only experience. In that way, concepts like I am not good enough, smart enough, funny enough, productive enough, creative enough, successful enough don't enter. If we are in the present moment we have everything we need to be there because we are there. When we experience our breath, which is happening in the present moment or when we come back to hearing sounds, seeing, or sensing, we are whole enough or else we wouldn't be able to be there! 

If I am thinking about the future, what I have to do, want to do, should do, often the feeling is that I need/want something more. Or, if I am ruminating about the past, I am likely thinking about what I or someone else did or didn't say or do. These are all fine and of course we go to these places, regularly, but we can always choose to come back to the present moment where nothing more is needed. What a relief! "It's just like this right now and I am just like this right now." In the present moment there is no fear. There's only experience. The experience is like this and by the time we name it, it is already gone.

Of course, we can't always stay right here sensing or feeling. We need to plan and reflect as part of life, but if we find ourselves in those places more than we are in the present, we miss what's here. We can train ourselves to recognize that we are doing this ( the gift of awareness meditation brings) and we realize that we can come back anytime. We can be reminded that we are just as we need to be to be here. That can be such a gift to the part of us who is always striving, rushing in to fix, or thinking happiness is somewhere in the future where we have something we don't have now.

May you all have a week with many reminders that you can come back to the present where you are all you need to be. The present moment has  a welcome sign that says, "Come As You Are."

❤️❄️
Jean

February Food For Thought

The first month of the year has come to a close. I don't usually do this, but because I started this year with the motto "be bravely in your life in 2022," I am being a bit more intentional in what seeds I am watering, taking one month at a time. It's a nice time to pause and reflect on what was "good" in those first few weeks of the year. And when I say "good," I mean all the moments/events/actions that brought connection, ease, love, joy, space, freedom, letting go, rest, nourishment, meaning/purpose, inspiration, growth etc. There's usually a lot more than we realize, even with hardship mixed in, but we have to consciously stop to notice.

Would you stop with me now and write down all of what positively came to you in January? Make a list and next to each one, write down what it brought you. My list had these words: excitement, joy, relief, ease, hope, purpose, possibility, presence, inspiration, awakening.

No matter what happened in January, now we can lean in again and start again in February. You might ask?

What would I most like to let go of this month?
What would I most like to nourish in myself?
What would I most like to give this month (give with joy)?

Lastly, I'd like to offer this food for thought...

Over the past couple of weeks, in A Mindful Life, we have been exploring two notions: 1) that we are all inherently powerful (and because of this we need mindfulness!) and 2) in seeing where we place negative assessments (on ourselves, others, situations) we explored what it is like to remove concepts like right/wrong and good/bad. In the second exercise we called up an experience that we have judged negatively and tried it on again, but without that lens.

From a facilitator's view, back to back, these exercises seem like they bring us to opposite ends -– feeling powerful vs. the feeling the shame that comes with judgement. They have been rich conversations. I welcome you to listen to this week's talk on being powerful and see what comes for you in recognizing it (tip...it may require letting go of judging the word "powerful"). You might start to notice when you feel powerful and when you don't and what makes the difference. (I'm referring to an inner sense of being powerful, not power over others). 2) You might try on a situation from your past where you have judged yourself and see what happens if you let go of the idea that "what I did was right/wrong, good/bad" and see what comes instead. What emerges when you drop your thoughts about what you did and just feel what went on and sense through the lens of experiencing. Compassion is a lot more likely to emerge from that place, but please let me know what you discover.


Wishing you all an inspired week in the depths of winter.
💙❄️
Jean

P.S. Interested in meditation, as well as the topics we dive into? Reach out if you want to discuss joining A Mindful Life in the next segment. Segments roll around and begin again every 8 weeks or so. And the next Morning of Mindfulness is coming up on February 12th. Space is limited, so register today.

The Gifts of a Great Teacher

A few days ago beloved teacher Thich Nhat Hanh continued on. I was one of millions of people whose lives he quietly changed. As I write that, it sounds too significant. After all, I didn't know him personally. I was just one in a crowd. Could someone we don't know intimately really have that effect? Apparently so, because when I think about who I would be if I hadn't learned from him, his monks and nuns, lay teachers, and sangha members starting in my early twenties, I wouldn't be who I am. I likely wouldn't be here writing to you.

You have been hearing his words mixed into mine in these weekly emails, in my guided meditations and talks. For 25 years I have been absorbing his words and trying on what he taught. I can’t really separate his words from mine anymore. Those retreats I had the good fortune of going on in my twenties changed my life even if I didn’t realize it at the time. When I think of the concepts I most learned from him that I have always felt dedicated to passing on, they are the concepts of:

• Stopping and enjoying all of the beauty around us, even when there is suffering present.

• How to "take care of our suffering" and not run away from our suffering.

• Washing the dishes to wash the dishes, walk to walk, etc. Though I may not always do this, I hear his reminder all the time.

• The profound way he teaches about no birth and no death and the freedom that comes when we have this understanding.

• Teachings on mindful consumption and the idea of being mindful of the "seeds we water."

• His teachings on mindful speaking and listening

• The beautiful metaphors he would use to describe Inter-being. How we can see the tree, sun, rain, the logger in a piece of paper; how we can see the cloud in us. 

• His emphasis on the importance of nurturing a mindful community.

• Letting go of concepts (right/wrong, good/bad, death/no death).

• His stretching our ideas on compassion and our non-separation. His poem Please Call Me by My True Name captures it most poignantly where he asks us to consider that we are both the frog and the snake that eats the frog.  He invites us to awaken our compassion and understanding.

• His emphasis on taking care of the earth understanding that we are not separate from the earth.

• The idea that if we stay calm amidst confusion we can have a calming impact on everyone around us.

• His approach to mindfulness in everyday life. More than anything, for me, this is what made his teachings so different.  He asked us to practice not to become good meditators, but so that we can bring mindfulness into our everyday actions. 

Over the past few days, I feel my practice has deepened. Pausing to deeply acknowledge what I learned from Thay is something that I neglected to do at the depth that I am now. Maybe it is because he is gone in this form that it feels like my responsibility to get clear on where I come from when I facilitate and teach. I feel more clarity than I ever have. Thank you, Thich Nhat Hanh.

All of this has me thinking about why pausing to honor the teachers in our lives is so important. We consume what they share and it shapes us. We then pass it on. It is significant. To pause in gratitude is a way of saying, "your actions have mattered to me. Thank you fo what you have awoken in me."

What makes a teacher is not their status, their degrees, or even their knowledge. A teacher can be younger than us or older. A teacher can enter our lives just for a moment as our paths cross. A teacher is not a perfect being. A teacher is someone or something who shifts our perspective, who awakens something inside of us, who inspires possibility, awareness, positive movement. A teacher is someone who helps us to clearly see the beauty inside ourselves and how it is always there, connected to everything.

My invitation this week is to ask yourself, "who are my teachers?" To recognize someone as a teacher requires humbleness. It requires us to put aside our egos and to admit that there are things that we learned from this person, things we did not yet know. And, If we are living openheartedly, we will always have teachers coming and going. Some will have profound effects, some will offer some smaller gifts that at first we might not see. All of them move us. And as Thay says, it is our action here (thoughts, words and actions) that are what we take with us.  So let's honor our teachers and their teachers. It is how we got to be here and how we will keep growing in love.

🙏

Jean