This morning I awoke to the first full day of spring and a beautiful day at that. I also awoke to a heightened inner critic whose opinions can be more powerful than spring. I made my coffee and sat down with a blank page knowing that I needed to show up for this part of me before I went on with the day. My first reaction to her is dread, but then I remember that to meet her with the same energy that she gives out only perpetuates suffering. “Be kind,” I say to myself. “Listen and don’t fix. Breathe with her. Sit with her in this space, in this energy; it’s only energy. Be a friend to this one who is afraid underneath the costume of belligerence and aversion.” And so I do. The day doesn’t feel like sunshine and flowers yet, though they are just outside my door, but I am not fighting, defending, believing and that feels better.
We all have these moments, these days, these months, or seasons when what we need to lean into is compassion more than anything. Self-compassion is not the most obvious response when we are under attack, but I have found it is the only thing that works and just like meditation, it is something we can practice and a muscle we can strengthen.
What does self-compassion look like? It might help first to say what it is not. It is not sappy, pitiful, or weak. It is genuine, grounded, clear, and patient. And, yes, we can access it even when the attack is on. Here’s what that process requires:
Being With Our Self-Critic
Stopping. If we keep going about our day without stopping to listen to what our critic is unhappy about, then it just gets louder and we get pulled deeper into the swamp. Stopping could look like what I did this morning and journaling a back and forth dialogue, but it could be asking and listening as you take your shower or a walk.
Listening. Asking what our critic is up in arms about, (even if we have heard this one a million times before), we listen again and reflect it back without coming back with fixes, defenses, and without playing it down or trying to talk yourself out of it.
Being Kind & Tending To The Fear. This may be as simple as asking your self-critic, “let’s say what you feel is true about me, what then, what are you afraid of if I am this way?” Whatever you hear in response you respond with kindness and compassion. For example, “I get it. That would be scary. I understand why you aren’t happy with me.” Or, “that’s a hard feeling to have; of course you are upset.” Whatever it is you respond with, let it be your voice, what feels real to you and if you are not used to speaking kindly to yourself, then go ahead and try one of my responses (or someone kind you can call up) until it does feel natural.
Breathe. Having listened and gained more understanding, and having responded with care, now you can simply breathe with the energy that’s there. “This feels like this.” Bring your attention to your inhale and your exhale and breathe with the experience in your body. This requires some trust that this process is enough for now. We often think that there should be some greater resolution, but this isn’t the space for that. Resolution comes with space which is what we are giving ourselves by doing this. Space to hear ourselves, to get some distance, to find perspective, to be. Rather than get stuck, it can flow through us.
It’s the end of the day now and I feel the remains of this earlier surge of self-criticism. I don’t know that she won’t be there tomorrow. She seems to be up lately, but I am okay with it, because it will change and it brings me closer to feeling compassion for all beings and what we go through. Being present also slows me down to take in all the beauty that is around me and the love and affection that comes toward me.
Wishing you all a beautiful first week of spring. Enjoy as everything pushes its way through, transforms again, begins again.
🌻
Jean
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