In Praise of Self-Restraint

 

Practicing restraint is not really in fashion in our American culture these days. We are far removed from the time when people held back their words, desires, political preferences, amount of consumption, how much we keep private or public.  My guess is that suggesting that it is good to practice restraint isn't going to be so appealing. I wonder though if we could bring it back in fashion and make it something more becoming? Here's my attempt...

First in order to do this, I have to differentiate restraint from repression when it comes to our behavior. I view self-restraint as choosing to hold back and contain. Whereas repression invokes holding something down, not allowing something  to be seen; shame seems to be involved in repression.

There is much goodness that can come from self-restraint. When we practice restraint, we often hold back a habitual reflex or reactivity that is, by nature, devoid of awareness, consciousness, choice. How powerful is that! Though the word is not often used regarding meditation or mindfulness practice, ultimately they are practices of healthy restraint. 

When we sit in meditation and practice being in stillness, we are strengthening our ability to stay and not be swayed by every thought (those papers over there really need to be dealt with, or I don't have time for this; I have too much on my to do list) by every sensation (fidgeting, cracking my neck, itching the itch, touching my hair, wondering if the pain in my hip means I need hip surgery), by every feeling (restlessness, anxiety, sadness, fear). This is a practice of not running away with what arises, but noticing and stepping back, and experiencing without doing something. I don't stop meditating and dive into the papers, or starting shifting around, or believing that I am any one feeling that is present (which I must do something about). What we learn is to get some space where we can get curious about what we find and awareness about the needs behind it, opening to compassion and understanding. From here we get "the power to choose our response" as Viktor Frankl so beautifully said.

We can practice restraint whenever we notice a feeling of urgency -- I must have this, or I must say this, or I must  let them know what I think, or I must do something right now. Unless it is a true emergency, of which there aren't very many in an average day, urgency is a great sign that we should slow down and wait. Words and actions expressed out of urgency can cause more suffering than not.

Restraint has an element of the middle way in it. We don't go too far in either extreme.

Restraint in our communication may be one of the most powerful ways we can use it. What if we don't say everything that comes to mind? What if we don't jump in with our opinion, judgment, assessment, advice? What if we wait when someone finishes speaking and let their words digest before we respond? What if we didn't say what isn't ours to say? What if we waited when we feel a strong reaction to something? What if we didn't make it about us, but held that back and instead got curious about what is driving the other?

So what does it take? Practice. Why? Because our human nature is driven by desire. We want what instantly feels good (even more so these days as technology has trained us, or duped us, into wanting the hit of instant satisfaction that comes with every "like" or every (ultimately empty) click. Instant gratification is a powerful force to contend with. It's not our fault. It seems we are wired for it. We can rewire this programming so that the pull to satisfy ourselves in the moment gets overruled by the understanding that if we hold off and wait, we will be better off, as will everyone else. We will be happier, lighter, more at peace because we will have made a choice out of more awareness and understanding. 

In honor of self-restraint, my invitation this week is to practice. Notice urgency or the energy of reactivity in conversations, in buying things, in taking action, and see what it is like to slow it down, maybe wait. Come back to your breath and let it help you. See if you find more peace in the long run from holding back and then choosing with clarity and intention, with kindness and compassion. No one can do this for us, which means for us to make this place a better one, we have to do things differently. We have to apply some effort (and when we forget, we apply self-restraint in not getting on our case about it, but let us begin again).

🧘🏽‍♀️
Jean

Is Something Wrong?

 

This week, I have a simple gatha to share. A gatha is a short poem, phrase, or word that brings you home to yourself in the present moment. 

Of course, there are plenty of things that we can name as not "right" in the world. That goes without saying, but inside myself, whenever I feel some generalized anxiousness, I do a quick check-in and, more often than not, can say, "you may be feeling this, Jean, but nothing is really wrong right now." Not in a future moment or a past moment, but in this one right now. It's a reminder to my nervous system that I can be at ease, which, for one reason or other, sometimes needs to be reminded. In the present moment, there is nothing I need to contract against, nothing I need to defend myself against, nothing coming at me, nothing I need to prove. There might be a challenge, an uncertainty about something coming up, an unresolved issue, an insecurity, but while these may feel hard, they aren't "wrong" and in this very moment, I am actually okay. I am breathing. I am here. It moves me into observing what actually is here rather than what might be. "What is" rather than "what if." It grounds me and I can let go.

My invitation this week is to check in with yourself when you feel anxious, restless, or a mild funk descending, or the desire to escape into some habit you'd rather not pick up and ask yourself, "is there anything really wrong right now?" If what comes is relatively insignificant, or not actually real in the moment, can you let yourself know that you can relax, that you are okay?  Can you let go of feeling like there is a weight on you when there isn't? Allow yourself a nice long exhale. Remind yourself that you don't need to hold your breath. Repeat as necessary in the day/week. Some of these tendencies of thinking that there is always something not okay are deeply engrained, often passed on, and we can undo this habit if we want to. We can train ourselves to be at more ease and instead open to what is well and good.

But what about those bigger issues in the world that don't seem okay at all? We have a whole slew of them right now and they may be affecting our nervous system just below the surface, under the radar of immediate experience. They may be adding up to create that generalized anxious feeling. Can I still say, "nothing is wrong?" Yes, and here is why. To say, "nothing is wrong" doesn't mean that actions don't need to be taken. To say, "nothing is wrong" is to acknowledge that what is here isn't a mistake and isn't the result of any one thing. Numerous conditions have come together for this to be here as it is and while it might be heartbreaking, infuriating, frightening to see, we got here for a reason and that's not "wrong." It's something that needs care and attention. It is something we all need to grow from. That shift to a larger perspective brings back our humility and the understanding that we are all part of something much larger. 

Wishing you many moments throughout the week of experiencing "nothing is wrong right now."

🧘🏽‍♀️
Jean

The Joy in Humility

 

I began this year wanting to nourish more inner lightness and joy. Not the kind that comes with doing fun or playful things, though of course those are nice, but the kind that comes from inside, not dependent on temporary conditions. As the first week of the year came to a close, a different word came that felt like the path to this inner joy. The word is "humility." When I tried it on, it felt so profound I had to share it in my groups as an exercise and I am excited to share it with all of you.

The process goes like this...

1) If we remember that what we are physically made of -- this body is made of all these elements that are not distinctly me (water, minerals, plants, the sun, etc.) and our personalities, the way we move, the way we think, talk, listen has been influenced by numerous conditions and people -- our parents, ancestors, teachers, friends, communities, cultures, genes, what we start to understand is what we think of as "I" is actually much greater than "I." We start to see that our interdependence and interconnection makes our over-identification with "I" start to break down. It makes us much more humble as we realize that who we are is way beyond us alone.

2)  From here we can notice when we get caught in trying to control something (a situation, someone else), or when we get caught in our opinions and perspectives and think, "I am right," or we start thinking, "I know what should happen" or what someone else should do, or when we start trying to fix (and maybe feel like a failure when we can't). Once we are aware of these arising, we can stop and ask, "what would be different if I met this with greater humility? What would change if I remembered that this situation is much greater than me? So many conditions and elements have come together for this to be manifest. Alone, I cannot fix it, change it, nor am I solely responsible for it, nor do I "know" for sure what needs to happen or that my perspective is the right one." It can be such a relief when we get some humility back. It's not passivity, but clear seeing, allowing, and opening.

For me, this brings tremendous lightness of being. I soften, am less righteous, less blaming, less controlling, more willing to not know, to learn, to understand, to be curious, to be "wrong", to let go, to listen instead of talk. It feels more joyful and even hopeful.

My invitation this week is whenever you notice yourself contracting against something that is going on, or anytime you feel yourself trying to control, or whenever you feel righteous or blaming, or when you are in fix it mode, to ask, "what would be different if I met this with greater humility?" (Tip: if you feel resistance, as if you can't let go of your way, shift the question to see why you are holding on. Most likely, there is an underlying need that wants acknowledgment first. You don't have to fill the need, but this would be a necessary step before you can move into a place of humility.)

Wishing you a week of simple joys and lightness of being. 
🙏
Jean