In Praise of Self-Restraint

 

Practicing restraint is not really in fashion in our American culture these days. We are far removed from the time when people held back their words, desires, political preferences, amount of consumption, how much we keep private or public.  My guess is that suggesting that it is good to practice restraint isn't going to be so appealing. I wonder though if we could bring it back in fashion and make it something more becoming? Here's my attempt...

First in order to do this, I have to differentiate restraint from repression when it comes to our behavior. I view self-restraint as choosing to hold back and contain. Whereas repression invokes holding something down, not allowing something  to be seen; shame seems to be involved in repression.

There is much goodness that can come from self-restraint. When we practice restraint, we often hold back a habitual reflex or reactivity that is, by nature, devoid of awareness, consciousness, choice. How powerful is that! Though the word is not often used regarding meditation or mindfulness practice, ultimately they are practices of healthy restraint. 

When we sit in meditation and practice being in stillness, we are strengthening our ability to stay and not be swayed by every thought (those papers over there really need to be dealt with, or I don't have time for this; I have too much on my to do list) by every sensation (fidgeting, cracking my neck, itching the itch, touching my hair, wondering if the pain in my hip means I need hip surgery), by every feeling (restlessness, anxiety, sadness, fear). This is a practice of not running away with what arises, but noticing and stepping back, and experiencing without doing something. I don't stop meditating and dive into the papers, or starting shifting around, or believing that I am any one feeling that is present (which I must do something about). What we learn is to get some space where we can get curious about what we find and awareness about the needs behind it, opening to compassion and understanding. From here we get "the power to choose our response" as Viktor Frankl so beautifully said.

We can practice restraint whenever we notice a feeling of urgency -- I must have this, or I must say this, or I must  let them know what I think, or I must do something right now. Unless it is a true emergency, of which there aren't very many in an average day, urgency is a great sign that we should slow down and wait. Words and actions expressed out of urgency can cause more suffering than not.

Restraint has an element of the middle way in it. We don't go too far in either extreme.

Restraint in our communication may be one of the most powerful ways we can use it. What if we don't say everything that comes to mind? What if we don't jump in with our opinion, judgment, assessment, advice? What if we wait when someone finishes speaking and let their words digest before we respond? What if we didn't say what isn't ours to say? What if we waited when we feel a strong reaction to something? What if we didn't make it about us, but held that back and instead got curious about what is driving the other?

So what does it take? Practice. Why? Because our human nature is driven by desire. We want what instantly feels good (even more so these days as technology has trained us, or duped us, into wanting the hit of instant satisfaction that comes with every "like" or every (ultimately empty) click. Instant gratification is a powerful force to contend with. It's not our fault. It seems we are wired for it. We can rewire this programming so that the pull to satisfy ourselves in the moment gets overruled by the understanding that if we hold off and wait, we will be better off, as will everyone else. We will be happier, lighter, more at peace because we will have made a choice out of more awareness and understanding. 

In honor of self-restraint, my invitation this week is to practice. Notice urgency or the energy of reactivity in conversations, in buying things, in taking action, and see what it is like to slow it down, maybe wait. Come back to your breath and let it help you. See if you find more peace in the long run from holding back and then choosing with clarity and intention, with kindness and compassion. No one can do this for us, which means for us to make this place a better one, we have to do things differently. We have to apply some effort (and when we forget, we apply self-restraint in not getting on our case about it, but let us begin again).

🧘🏽‍♀️
Jean