Seeing The "Us"

 

It was early in the morning. I had just dropped my son off at the train station and as I was driving home there was a car coming in the opposite direction appearing to slow down. It seemed like it might make a left turn, but it didn't have a signal on. This is one of my pet peeves in driving. I slowed down in case the person suddenly turned in front of me. He did and as I drove on, I watched the usual murmurings of judgment in me arise. Then I thought about the exercise I was sharing in my groups for the week and asked myself, "how can I see the "us" in driving?" Staying with the question, I was amazed at the fact that we all navigate these roads together and when I thought of it that way, my irritation changed. 

When I ask myself to see the “us” in a situation, it inevitably softens my stance. I get a greater perspective which doesn't separate me from the other. I see the larger picture which allows for more acceptance, compassion, and understanding. My righteous self gets humbled. As someone shared in a group, I could ask, "what if that was my elderly mom driving in front of me, would I get so angry?"

When we  practice with the concepts of inter-being, interconnection, and interdependence, we see clearly that there is no separation between us and anything else. We are physically, mentally, and emotionally made of everything that is outside of us. Our bodies are made of all the elements (air, earth, water, sun, people) and our ways of thinking and feeling are effected by numerous people and forces outside of us. 

The driving example is just a minor one, but we can do it anytime we start to feel on the opposite side of someone, an issue, stuck in a project, caught in comparing, feeling judged or doing the judging, anytime we see suffering and don't feel compassion. My invitation this week is to keep asking the question, "how can I see the 'us' here?" See what happens if you stay with it. Does it soften your stance, your vision? Does it bring you into more gratitude and awe?

Whether it's personal, societal, or global, we can step back and recognize that we are connected and that the better outcome will arrive if  we see our interconnection and move onto the side of wanting it to work out for all us. We can come back to the notion that “just like me, this person wants to be happy, healthy, safe.” We can recognize that “just like me,” this other person/group wants to get through this, or is having just as frustrating a time as me, or they want to achieve the same goal, even if our ways of achieving it don’t seem aligned. "Just like me," this person has feelings, needs, fears. This perspective of seeing our common humanity brings us back to wanting to collaborate and find a way together, rather than be reactive or right. We need each other.

Because it is not always easy to do, we need to remember "the why."  And the why is that we are connected. What happens to me, happens to you, even if we can’t see exactly how in the moment. That ripple effect is always there. We can take refuge in the “we” because we can't do this life alone and we can't make positive change  alone. There is always a “we” and it can help us when we get caught in ourselves.

Wishing you a week feeling held in connection and embracing, rather than pushing away, the complexity it can add.

🙏
Jean

The "Why" Underneath

 

For many years now, no matter how much sleep I get, I awake feeling groggy from a night full of dreaming. I don't drink or take anything. I just dream a ton. Apparently, I am working stuff out overnight, but the residual feeling is not the one I'd like to awaken with. I'm not grumpy. I simply don't feel the kind of freshness that I would like to start the day with. Though this was not on my intentions list for 2024, I realized that I could probably change this morning routine to one that feels better and so I am embarking on a series of habit changes and it has me reflecting on how we change. If you prefer to listen, rather than read, I shared a version of this in Sunday night's talk which you can access below. 

When we practice living mindfully, we accept that so much in life is out of our control and we gradually learn to have greater humility as we work on letting go. We understand that we often cause ourselves and others more suffering by trying to control what we can't and what isn't ours to control. At the same time though, when we are mindful, we see how much choice we have in every moment if we are present. We have choices in the kinds of thoughts we facilitate (not what thoughts arise, but the kinds of thoughts we nourish and what we do with them) and in what we say and do. Of course, these choices ripple out and affect what happens next.

Some things we think, say, and do become habits and some stick around for a very long time. They could be habits of thinking, speaking, ways of behaving that were passed on by our parents, our ancestors, our culture. Habits are harder to change and sometimes so hard that the habitual action doesn't seem like a choice at all. What we do can feel like it's set in concrete -– this is how it’s done; this is just the way it is. But, once we realize that the habit is getting in the way of our happiness, this is a wonderful place to bring in curiosity. Is there something I can do differently? What am I believing is fixed? If I don’t like how something feels or how something is going, do I have to stay stuck in the repetitive action/reaction? No, but then we have to face the reality that changing habits is not easy.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been proactive about trying on different approaches in order to create a new habit upon waking. Inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh’s morning gatha which goes like this…"Waking up this morning I smile. Knowing there are 24 brand new hours before me, I vow to live fully in each moment, and look at beings with eyes of compassion," I decided to write my own with words that remind me of how I want to greet the day and connect with my intention on moving through it.

I woke up with my words on my nightstand, but quickly found that changing the feeling is not as easy as saying some words. It became clear that it’s a habit that’s going to take time to reprogram and will take multiple approaches until I find the one that sticks. Probably more than one change will be necessary. And then, it registered that it is going to take diligence, patience, adaptability, and steadfastness. 

How do we stick to behaviors we want to change after they have become so ingrained as to be habitual? I find that I can do this more easily when I can see the “why” underneath. This is the motivation behind any change. Why do I want to wake up differently? What would it give me if I did? If I want to exercise 4 days a week, until it becomes a habit, I need to remember why I do it. And the why has to be connected to something I value, something meaningful. If I remember that I exercise because when I do I feel capable, strong, centered, and my mind feels more clear, I am more likely to do it. I value being here in this form and I want to take care of my body. But if I exercise because other people say I should, or for some more superficial reason, or because I am told I need to lose weight and that’s all I can think about, then it feels like a chore, a demand, a should. It’s not motivated by something deeper that I value. 

Remembering the why underneath helps drive our actions in ways that we want. When we take something like the 5 Mindfulness Trainings or the The Noble Eightfold Path, rather than see them as a set of rules, we could see them as reminders to come back to the “why.” Why would I choose to develop Right Speech (which is really humbling and challenging to change), Right View, Right Livelihood, etc.? Why would I choose to practice mindful consumption, or be conscious of my sexual conduct, or choose not to condone acts of violence? 

I find that keeping a list of what I value close at hand so I can remember whenever I feel dread, face a difficulty, or when I need to show up to something hard, it can be helpful in motivating me to stay with it. Rather than not show up, we can because we feel connected to and inspired by what matters to us. It may very well be hard, but we see something greater than the difficulty.

My invitation this week is to pause and think of something you do that you don’t really like, a habit you want to change, or something you are asked to show up for that you don’t want to show up for, and what would be the “why” underneath doing it that feels more motivating? What feeling/value does it connect you to? Can you get in touch with the feeling in your body, the felt sense of it? What changes in you as you feel what it will bring you? How does it shift the your motivation?

We can do this throughout the day. We may not have control over a whole lot, but we have a great deal of choice within the constantly changing, impermanent life we live. It's not necessarily easy, but it is empowering.

I wish you a week motivated by your choices and nourished by what you can create.

❄️
Jean

A Talk For A New Year

 

2024 New Year’s Day Talk

 

On Christmas Eve, we watched A Charlie Brown Christmas and following it the next film that came up on my sister’s TV feed was a movie of the classic children’s story, The Velveteen Rabbit. While we didn’t watch it, I was reminded of the well known passage in the book by Author Margery Williams. I shared this last spring as part of a talk on becoming and I’d like to share it again. The conversation takes place between an old toy horse and a new stuffed rabbit.

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 
    
Becoming real. I found, as the year went on, more people in my groups expressing the desire to be more genuine and authentic in their interactions and way of being. It speaks to the desire we have to cut through what isn’t necessary and get to what really matters.

It makes sense to me that the more we practice living mindfully, the more real we become and the more real we want to become. This is because by paying attention and being aware, we…

• See through the illusions of things. 

• See behind our perceptions. 

• See through how we get activated and reactive and righteous. 

• See our fears clearly and learn to be uncomfortable, how to take care of our fear, and, in the process, accept that all things change and are impermanent. 

• See how we get caught in desire and consumption. 

• See through the conversations we don’t need to have and we strive to have more clarity and presence in the ones we do, because choosing curiosity and seeking understanding becomes more important. 

• See through our feelings of separation and remember that separation is an illusion because we are aligned with the truth of our interconnection and interdependence. 

• See through identifying ourselves and situations in very binary ways and can allow for more complexity. 

• Naturally become more quiet. We listen better. 

• Value presence. We value life. 

• Value what we have and feel appreciation for what we have. 

• When we are real, we can accept that there is suffering and we can face it while also seeing there is beauty and joy at the same time. 

• The more real we are, the more humble we are.

Of course, not everyone is interested in becoming more real because it takes vulnerability which is often uncomfortable. Go into most dermatologist offices and you will see advertisements on how to make yourself less real, not droopy and shabby like a well loved stuffed animal. It takes courage to accept ourselves and others, and life as it is, and to allow for change. It takes courage to live mindfully and be genuine. This is why having the support of a mindful community helps because there are so many many ways we can get caught and pulled away from our genuine selves. The community brings us back.

In 2023, there were two occasions that made my practice more real. We were on vacation in Maine. It was the first year we rented a cabin on a lake so we didn't have to go anywhere to swim. We could just stay at the cabin, relax and swim whenever we wanted to; everyone could be on their own schedules. It added an element of more ease and rest to the yearly trip. In having this gift, the insight I had was that relaxation alone without embodied presence in the moment, doesn’t produce the same centering, peaceful presence that I have come to so appreciate in meditation. To have a calm, grounded presence is a distinct feeling that takes consciousness of the mind in the mind, of the body in the body. When I am connected to my breath, my body, my heart, and mind, I am present and really there.

This was made even more real when a couple of months later, I held my first weekend retreat in upstate New York for members of my A Mindful Life groups. A weekend without our phones and digital distractions. A weekend of going slowly and being more aware of walking, eating, bathing, talking. A weekend of noble silence and quiet. A weekend of being in community, deep listening and genuine sharing, trusting and connecting. What came from this, for many of us when we returned, was that the practices we do, the tools we use, were more embodied, more deeply ingrained. In my daily life, I became more aware of my movements, of my touch, of how much effort and force I use to do simple things. This awareness changes everything. It is the practice of embodied mindfulness in everyday life. In each and every moment, we have a choice in how we move and react. It’s very powerful because we see that we can choose to be gentle, bring care, move with grace, nourish calm and more peace. It’s very practical, very concrete, real.

I invite you to ask yourself, “if I were more real, more genuine in my life, what would it entail? How might I be different?” Is there something about how you live, talk, what you do or wouldn’t do? How would it feel in your body if you could be more real in your interactions and movements? Would you hold yourself differently? Would you see differently? What would you need to remember to stay real? 

We want peace in the world. That peace starts with us in every moment. How I touch this bell. How I breathe. How I see you. How I take my next step. I can meet everything with reverence. In 2024, I invite you to embody your mindfulness practice in such a way that everything becomes more real and more sacred. We treat ourselves and each other better when we do this. It’s not for later when we “have more time,” when there is “less on our plate,” when there’s less going on, when we are not in a rush. It’s available right now. Thich Nhat Hanh would always say, “peace is available in the here and now.” This is what he meant. And when we forget, we just begin again, right away. It’s simple, easy. Not hard work. It’s delightful really. If I pick up my phone roughly, I realize it and switch gears and change the way I’m holding it because it is not disposable. Nothing is. If I am rough with myself, I realize it and I bring more care because my body matters. We can have reverence for all things, animate or inanimate. It does not matter. 

Interestingly, the Skin Horse in the story says that it’s when you are really loved that you become real. Love is an essential ingredient. It’s not just the love of another, but the love of ourselves. When we learn to love ourselves and treat ourselves with genuine appreciation and care, when we have reverence for our own life, we become more real because that is the hardest work and once we know what that is, there’s no going back to the old way of being harsh with ourselves. No one else, nothing outside of us can give us that. And when we experience this for ourselves, we bring it to others in a deeper way than we did before. We become even more real and help others to feel seen, heard, and valued.

In 2024, let us help each other stay grounded and connected. Let us stay real by remembering what matters. We can choose love and care because, in the end, we are part of the same universe, all connected, changing, and impermanent.