For many years now, no matter how much sleep I get, I awake feeling groggy from a night full of dreaming. I don't drink or take anything. I just dream a ton. Apparently, I am working stuff out overnight, but the residual feeling is not the one I'd like to awaken with. I'm not grumpy. I simply don't feel the kind of freshness that I would like to start the day with. Though this was not on my intentions list for 2024, I realized that I could probably change this morning routine to one that feels better and so I am embarking on a series of habit changes and it has me reflecting on how we change. If you prefer to listen, rather than read, I shared a version of this in Sunday night's talk which you can access below.
When we practice living mindfully, we accept that so much in life is out of our control and we gradually learn to have greater humility as we work on letting go. We understand that we often cause ourselves and others more suffering by trying to control what we can't and what isn't ours to control. At the same time though, when we are mindful, we see how much choice we have in every moment if we are present. We have choices in the kinds of thoughts we facilitate (not what thoughts arise, but the kinds of thoughts we nourish and what we do with them) and in what we say and do. Of course, these choices ripple out and affect what happens next.
Some things we think, say, and do become habits and some stick around for a very long time. They could be habits of thinking, speaking, ways of behaving that were passed on by our parents, our ancestors, our culture. Habits are harder to change and sometimes so hard that the habitual action doesn't seem like a choice at all. What we do can feel like it's set in concrete -– this is how it’s done; this is just the way it is. But, once we realize that the habit is getting in the way of our happiness, this is a wonderful place to bring in curiosity. Is there something I can do differently? What am I believing is fixed? If I don’t like how something feels or how something is going, do I have to stay stuck in the repetitive action/reaction? No, but then we have to face the reality that changing habits is not easy.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been proactive about trying on different approaches in order to create a new habit upon waking. Inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh’s morning gatha which goes like this…"Waking up this morning I smile. Knowing there are 24 brand new hours before me, I vow to live fully in each moment, and look at beings with eyes of compassion," I decided to write my own with words that remind me of how I want to greet the day and connect with my intention on moving through it.
I woke up with my words on my nightstand, but quickly found that changing the feeling is not as easy as saying some words. It became clear that it’s a habit that’s going to take time to reprogram and will take multiple approaches until I find the one that sticks. Probably more than one change will be necessary. And then, it registered that it is going to take diligence, patience, adaptability, and steadfastness.
How do we stick to behaviors we want to change after they have become so ingrained as to be habitual? I find that I can do this more easily when I can see the “why” underneath. This is the motivation behind any change. Why do I want to wake up differently? What would it give me if I did? If I want to exercise 4 days a week, until it becomes a habit, I need to remember why I do it. And the why has to be connected to something I value, something meaningful. If I remember that I exercise because when I do I feel capable, strong, centered, and my mind feels more clear, I am more likely to do it. I value being here in this form and I want to take care of my body. But if I exercise because other people say I should, or for some more superficial reason, or because I am told I need to lose weight and that’s all I can think about, then it feels like a chore, a demand, a should. It’s not motivated by something deeper that I value.
Remembering the why underneath helps drive our actions in ways that we want. When we take something like the 5 Mindfulness Trainings or the The Noble Eightfold Path, rather than see them as a set of rules, we could see them as reminders to come back to the “why.” Why would I choose to develop Right Speech (which is really humbling and challenging to change), Right View, Right Livelihood, etc.? Why would I choose to practice mindful consumption, or be conscious of my sexual conduct, or choose not to condone acts of violence?
I find that keeping a list of what I value close at hand so I can remember whenever I feel dread, face a difficulty, or when I need to show up to something hard, it can be helpful in motivating me to stay with it. Rather than not show up, we can because we feel connected to and inspired by what matters to us. It may very well be hard, but we see something greater than the difficulty.
My invitation this week is to pause and think of something you do that you don’t really like, a habit you want to change, or something you are asked to show up for that you don’t want to show up for, and what would be the “why” underneath doing it that feels more motivating? What feeling/value does it connect you to? Can you get in touch with the feeling in your body, the felt sense of it? What changes in you as you feel what it will bring you? How does it shift the your motivation?
We can do this throughout the day. We may not have control over a whole lot, but we have a great deal of choice within the constantly changing, impermanent life we live. It's not necessarily easy, but it is empowering.
I wish you a week motivated by your choices and nourished by what you can create.
❄️
Jean
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