Is It Obvious?

 

I'm not one for much small talk. I sometimes wish I was. I imagine if I were, I would be more interested in attending parties and social events. Instead, I am drawn to one on one or small group interactions where the conversations get a little deeper or more meaningful. I want to hear what's alive in people, what they're feeling, rather than what they are doing or reacting to. Hence the creation of the first A Mindful Life group in 2016. Little did I know that I was filling that part of me that wants genuine connection.  Hundreds of sessions later, I can also see that even in these groups we can easily stay in shallow waters because that is how so much of our daily interaction takes place. It's simply the muscle that has been strengthened. So lately, I've been emphasizing a certain instruction in the groups when I ask questions that involve inner reflection: listen for what you don't already know. Sometimes, even in a contemplative space, we are asked a question and we immediately answer it as if we already knew the question was coming and the answer is at the tip of our tongue just waiting to be said. It can be true that the answer is so evident that we don't have to think too much about it. We accept the first response that pops in our mind as the "right" response. Other times, we get asked a question and we may just start talking, saying words out of a habitual tendency to fill the space that might express a general idea about what's alive in us. Those are both perfectly fine and can still be generative, but to get deeper more quickly and get more to the essential understanding, or "ah-ha" moment, I suggest that we "listen for what we don't already know." If you already have the answer, if it's obvious, it can't be that interesting to you! To make it interesting, to open it up and to discover, we can ask ourselves more. "Ok, that's what I already know, but what about it? What else is here that isn't so clear yet?" This is when insight and awareness arise. It all becomes more alive and intriguing. You can do this anywhere. It doesn't have to be in the safe confines of a contemplative group like A Mindful Life. You can try it on in conversations with your spouse, or a friend, or family member. We can cut past the obvious and get to what make us feel alive, engaged, connected. We may have to slow down to do it, but we can. Lastly, I don't want to imply that there is no value to be found in small talk.  There certainly is and I do my fair share of it as well. It allows for connection, camaraderie, and playfulness. We can do both -- chit chat and get deep. Then, we can be truly full. My invitation this week is when you notice you are saying what's going on for you in the same way you've already said it, or when what you are saying isn't bringing you to anything new, it just feels like a lot of words, let yourself pause. You might even say, "hold on a second" and ask yourself what more about it does it want you to know or what is essential about what your are expressing? Get curious and the person you are with is likely to get more curious, too.  I welcome your feedback. If you have any thoughts to share on the subject, please send them my way. Have a beautiful week and start to summer! ☀️ Jean P.S. Gaining the skills to drop inside and listen to oneself takes time, practice, and needs support. There are many options to strengthen these skills this summer. Scroll down to see what's coming up. P.S.S. Are you a teacher or know of teachers who are off for the summer and would like to learn to meditate?  Or know a willing student heading off to college in the fall? It's the perfect time to start. Beginning Meditation Series.

More on Letting Go

 

Over the past week in all my groups we have been working with letting go. Specifically, we explored letting go of things that were never really ours to begin with. Getting involved in somebody else's fight, taking on someone's responsibility, doing someone's work, analyzing someone's situation and giving feedback. The funny part of our human nature is just how much time and energy we can expend on this kind of thing in our mind alone. We may not actually be doing anything, but if our mind is taking us through it, we might as well be because all that energy is being used anyway! Just think how much more peace we could have if we caught ourselves in the act and let it go sooner, rather than later. (But, even later is good enough!)

Once again, it's our awareness, being mindful of our thoughts and actions, that changes this pattern. When we can break this pattern, we attract less drama and cause ourselves and others less suffering. As is the case with most positive change, it takes effort, steadiness, and patience. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you bring more of this into your life.

I always think the words "letting go" sound so easy, like letting go of a balloon. But, it rarely is and that's because the reason we are involved to begin with is that there is some unmet need in us that's driving us to want to be engaged. It might be the need to feel helpful, needed, seen, valued. It might be the need for harmony or the feeling of being in control and secure. Often the need is misplaced. We don't even realize that what we are stepping into is driven by it. But once we know, then we have the power to stop and take care of our need outside of the situation. This is the more loving way to be and it often goes against the grain. Some part of us thinks the more loving thing is to get involved, but often it is not. 

Once we have the awareness, what do we do next?

1) We stop and recognize the unmet need and we bring in self-compassion. Ask yourself what is driving my involvement here? What am I wanting to fill? Once we have that understanding, we can let go a little.
2) We recognize what we feel if we stop getting into the situation -- what do we have to feel to let go of our involvement? Often it is feeling the unmet need. 
3) Once we can name what we have to feel, then we allow ourselves to feel just that. Not to think about it, but to breathe, feel and give it space without doing anything. If we skip this step of feeling, we haven't done the hard work yet. When we allow ourselves this, we realize that it's okay to feel something uncomfortable. We won't explode.
4) We can then bring compassion to ourselves, the other, the situation we are stepping out of.

This is how letting go happens. And we stop there and let that digest. There is so much freedom and lightness that can come the more we practice letting go of what is not ours. Besides, we have plenty that is ours to deal with! We can bring ourselves more ease, space and peace. 

What currently in your life are you taking up, that is not yours, that you could try this with? Feel free to reach out if you get stuck or share your insights if you have them. 

Wishing you a beautiful week. 

🌸
Jean

P.S. Gaining awareness takes some practice. Join me this summer to strengthen these skills. See below for the summer offerings.  

P.S.S. Are you a teacher or know of teachers who are off for the summer and would like to learn to meditate?  Or know a willing student heading off to college in the fall? It's the perfect time to start. Beginning Meditation Series.