Is It Obvious?

 

I'm not one for much small talk. I sometimes wish I was. I imagine if I were, I would be more interested in attending parties and social events. Instead, I am drawn to one on one or small group interactions where the conversations get a little deeper or more meaningful. I want to hear what's alive in people, what they're feeling, rather than what they are doing or reacting to. Hence the creation of the first A Mindful Life group in 2016. Little did I know that I was filling that part of me that wants genuine connection.  Hundreds of sessions later, I can also see that even in these groups we can easily stay in shallow waters because that is how so much of our daily interaction takes place. It's simply the muscle that has been strengthened. So lately, I've been emphasizing a certain instruction in the groups when I ask questions that involve inner reflection: listen for what you don't already know. Sometimes, even in a contemplative space, we are asked a question and we immediately answer it as if we already knew the question was coming and the answer is at the tip of our tongue just waiting to be said. It can be true that the answer is so evident that we don't have to think too much about it. We accept the first response that pops in our mind as the "right" response. Other times, we get asked a question and we may just start talking, saying words out of a habitual tendency to fill the space that might express a general idea about what's alive in us. Those are both perfectly fine and can still be generative, but to get deeper more quickly and get more to the essential understanding, or "ah-ha" moment, I suggest that we "listen for what we don't already know." If you already have the answer, if it's obvious, it can't be that interesting to you! To make it interesting, to open it up and to discover, we can ask ourselves more. "Ok, that's what I already know, but what about it? What else is here that isn't so clear yet?" This is when insight and awareness arise. It all becomes more alive and intriguing. You can do this anywhere. It doesn't have to be in the safe confines of a contemplative group like A Mindful Life. You can try it on in conversations with your spouse, or a friend, or family member. We can cut past the obvious and get to what make us feel alive, engaged, connected. We may have to slow down to do it, but we can. Lastly, I don't want to imply that there is no value to be found in small talk.  There certainly is and I do my fair share of it as well. It allows for connection, camaraderie, and playfulness. We can do both -- chit chat and get deep. Then, we can be truly full. My invitation this week is when you notice you are saying what's going on for you in the same way you've already said it, or when what you are saying isn't bringing you to anything new, it just feels like a lot of words, let yourself pause. You might even say, "hold on a second" and ask yourself what more about it does it want you to know or what is essential about what your are expressing? Get curious and the person you are with is likely to get more curious, too.  I welcome your feedback. If you have any thoughts to share on the subject, please send them my way. Have a beautiful week and start to summer! ☀️ Jean P.S. Gaining the skills to drop inside and listen to oneself takes time, practice, and needs support. There are many options to strengthen these skills this summer. Scroll down to see what's coming up. P.S.S. Are you a teacher or know of teachers who are off for the summer and would like to learn to meditate?  Or know a willing student heading off to college in the fall? It's the perfect time to start. Beginning Meditation Series.