We Don't Have To Be Sandpaper

 

The world is feeling a bit rough. Like the coarsest sandpaper. Not only are we being worn down, but some deep scratches are being made. In response, I've made the choice to emphasize love and kindness this month and for as long as is needed. When we meet something coarse, our habitual response can be to meet it with the same level of grit and yet grit against grit just gets ugly. The sound, the feel, the texture, the result is not so pleasant or beneficial. We can meet what's here in a better way. Let's start with ourselves and let it seep out into the world.  On a recent weekend, I spent time with a wonderful group of people who wanted to strengthen self-kindness. In the workshop, I suggest a way of befriending the critical part of ourselves. It's usually not our instinctual response, but if we meet our self-critic with irritation, we feed it. Like meeting sandpaper with sandpaper. There are other ways to go about it. They involve getting curious enough to ask what the fear is behind the self-criticism ("are you afraid that I..."), relate to the fear ("of course that would be scary"), bring in compassion (not fixing or talking it out of it), recognize the unmet need(s), and then be a friend to ourselves. We are not solving anything, but this process softens the hard edge we can have and moves us to another place. We can do it again and again until it becomes second nature to take care of our suffering. We are capable of doing that. We don't need a drug, a drink, an escape. We don't need a new lover, a new animal, a new trip. We don't need someone else to fill what has felt like a void. Here is also a simple mindset shift that we can do: Choose one thing that you hear from your self-critic. Just one. Name it (for example my critic says, "who are you to spend so much time in contemplation!"). Now, just imagine. You don't have to know how to do it, but just imagine if you stopped saying that one thing altogether, how would life feel different? If you no longer told yourself that you waste too much time or you're not smart enough, not capable, or you're a bad parent, or don't earn enough, etc., what would you feel instead? What might be possible without that? Some of  words I heard last week in response to this were free, capable, confident, at ease, joyful, light, more open. Of course we would feel these things! The fact that we can imagine what it would be like tells us that it is possible. Part of us knows that. We can water those seeds by being aware when the critical voice arises and in that moment make another choice. You might simply say "and if I didn't say this to myself right now, what would I do? What would I feel?" Let the answer to that dictate what happens next. It won't be the same as what your critic would have you do. We can stop using harsh words. We can stop the kind of crass, insensitive, "base" level talk that has emerged in our society. For it to really change, we need to start with ourselves. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we take it out on the people and groups around us. When we threaten ourselves (as our critic does), we act from fear and then we easily become judgmental of others and righteous. We add more fear. It has a snowball effect. What we are afraid of isn't our fault. It most likely came about a very long time ago because of causes and conditions way beyond our doing. So we may not be able to change that, but we can change what we do next and what we we pass on next.  We can start close to home and strengthen the inner structure of ourselves so we are strong, solid, steady, and free. From that place we can be of real use. No longer afraid, we can be generous and loving. 🧘🏽‍♂️ Jean P.S. If you missed the Strengthening Self-Kindness Workshop and this email draws your interest, please reach out to me and I will plan one for the spring.

Give Yourself A Banana

 

The most frequent comment I hear about meditation is how different it feels to do in a group, rather than alone. People find it easier to commit and to concentrate with other people also practicing. When we are alone, there is no one holding us accountable and there isn't the focused energy in the room of other living beings getting still and quiet. In the last A Mindful Pause, I spoke about motivation and connecting to the "why" (why are we doing this) as the source of inspiration to carry through any task. This week, I want to focus on the self-guiding part of the equation that is needed when we are meditating together, but especially when we are practicing alone.

If I were to sit down to meditate and did not guide myself, even if someone else was also guiding me, my mind would be all over the place, swinging from thought to thought like a monkey swings from branch to branch. When someone else is guiding, their voice and words help bring me back, but I still need to guide myself to listen to them and to follow their directions, and to not wander in between. I need to provide my mind with something so it can settle down. Like giving a monkey a banana, it has a chance to stop and focus on just eating the banana. In meditation, I too, need a banana. 

What does it mean to give oneself a banana? It means giving ourselves a focal point, a place our mind can settle on and come back to when it gets diverted. It's like a home base. Sensing our inhale and exhale is a focal point. Listening to the sounds of the present moment can be a focal point. A phrase or mantra can be a focal point. We start our meditation centered on this chosen object of our attention and with the intention to keep coming back to that one thing. I need to direct myself there. It's not a one and done deal. I need to keep guiding myself. I hate to say it, but meditation is not effortless. It can have a quality of effortlessness, but it does take actively doing something.

So, if you thought you were just "bad" at meditating on your own, maybe that's not it all! Maybe you just needed more of your own direction and to know that's a major part of it. That discipline of self-direction is a gift we give ourselves. We learn that we can develop grit and we can stay even when the desire to do something else is pulling at us. It is very powerful to feel capable of staying the course.

When we do practice together, it strengthens our resolve, but when we also practice on our own, we become true mindful warriors. It's not enough to know how to meditate. The fruits of it only come in the doing. It also helps to know that it's not an overnight or instantaneous process. If you took one class or series and think that because you don't do it yet on your own it's not worth your time, that's because you have some idea that it should be a certain way, or you should be a certain way, or it should be easy, or maybe a goal you set is tripping you up (trying to get to a peaceful place). Let go of achieving something, let go of being good or bad at it, and just meditate. Keep it simple. Just stay with your object of concentration as best you can and keep returning when you drift. Don't worry about the result.

My invitation this week is to practice more, but with the clear intention of guiding yourself throughout the time you allotted. Even if you come together to practice in a group, you still need to guide yourself. Give yourself a banana and let yourself stop swinging from branch to branch. Your mind won't do it on its own. Meditation is not passive. You're nervous system will be grateful for the rest even if you have to apply some effort to do it.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

Motivation

 

Dear Friends,

It's MLK Day. A day to be inspired by a man who motivated others through the language of love, peace, and who encouraged a "beloved community." It's falling on Inauguration Day in a time when the country, the world, feels very divided, far from a beloved community. And yet, this confluence of events feels just right. Maybe we can be reminded that no matter what, we can create a beloved community. Dr. King stayed motivated in his lifetime and he continues to motivate. It's on us to keep his message alive in us. And that speaks to this week's theme on motivation. It doesn't just come. Motivation is something we must activate and we can. 
 
What keeps us motivated? Motivated to do anything? Meditate, get work/tasks done, clean a closet, start a new creative project, exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, show up, get up, change an unhelpful habit, start a helpful one? What keeps us inspired?

There are plenty of forces that will do the opposite. Cravings that our society fertilizes through the onslaught of advertising, social media, news, easy access to addictive substances, drugs, processed foods that cause more cravings -- you name it, we get showered with messages and products that pull us away from what we really want for ourselves. Our task of staying motivated to what brings us life, rather than detracts from life is not an easy one. I think it is helpful to remind ourselves of what we are up against today so that we don't think we just don't have what it takes. We do, but greater than at any other point in time, technology, access, and the speed at which things flow are powerful at manipulating us. A question worth contemplating is how do we stay aligned with ourselves, steady in our intention and dedication? How do we keep motivated and strong enough to receive these forces and stay the course?

I can think of no better motivator than the answer to "why?" Why do I want to? What does it bring me? What does it bring to those around me? Why does it matter? What value(s) of mine does it align me with? If I stay connected to the why on a regular basis, not with my intellect alone, but by sensing how I feel when I do whatever it is, I am more likely to follow through. Knowing why, I can ask, "what do I want to commit to today? What next step? What habit can I make of this?" 

Let's try it on. I'll use meditating as the example, but it could be anything you want to do because it brings you health (in body and mind), energy, peace, joy, courage, aliveness. Why do I meditate? Because it slows me down; it centers me; my nervous system recalibrates which helps me to be less reactive; I gain more clarity; I breathe deeper; I am more present; I interact with others with more care. Life feels better when I do. Better in the long-run.

Now try it for yourself, choose something you want /need to do and ask, "why?" Be detailed. Explicit in what benefit it brings you and others. What does it feel like in your body if you do the thing? Name the goodness that will come from it. Know that because you can imagine it, you are capable of it. Some things will still be hard, but it is much more empowering to do a hard thing motivated by what it will bring us. Now that you are clear on that much, what do you want to commit to today or this week? Remember that you'll need to refresh yourself on why often. "When I do it, I feel ____ (fill in the blank with the goodness)."

We can inspire ourselves. We need to do this for ourselves. While it helps to get support, tools, and encouragement around us (we all need that, too), we can know that we are competent to motivate ourselves. In the next A Mindful Pause, I'll share some of what we did in our recent groups about guiding ourselves and what that entails. We need the motivation, but then we need our own guidance. Until then, have an inspired week and may this day's events awaken in us what matters most and let's recommit to living from that place.

🧘🏽‍♂️
Jean

P.S. Motivated to start a meditation practice? Motivated to be kinder to yourself?  Motivated to practice meditation more regularly?  Beginning Meditation Series Starts next week, Self-KIndness Workshop is in two weeks, Drop-In Meditations groups are always available, and A Mindful Life groups start their next segments in two weeks.

Nuggets For A New Year

 

Happy New Year. I am truly happy to get back to routines with a fresh start. Thank you to those of you who showed up to the New Year's Day Meditation & Bell Ringing. We had 45 beautiful people present and many thoughtful and genuine shares. If you could not be there, this first A Mindful Pause of the year includes the talk I gave. You can read it below or if you prefer to listen for 10 minutes, you can do that here. Teachers, helpers, healers often come across as having it all together. I always like to shatter that myth so that people don't feel like they are inferior for struggling. We are all doing the best we can with the tools we have. The gift is that we can always learn more tools and that is what I hope to offer. Not some ideal, just ways of thinking and being that keep opening us up. Sitting here on this snowy afternoon, I am delighted by the view out my window. The feeling of warmth and coziness combined with feelings of hopefulness and inspiration are a welcomed change. Wishing you all the grace of beginning again. 🧘🏽‍♂️ Jean

New Year's Day Talk 2025 On New Year’s Day last year, I read a section from the children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit and spoke about what it means to become real. When we practice living mindfully, we organically become more authentic and genuine, more real. On that note, I’ll be honest right now and say that after all that went on for me in 2024, leading up to today, I have felt at a loss as to what to share with you as we start anew. Some of you have already heard me say that 2024 was one of my more difficult years. It was marked by challenge — loss, trauma around the loss, confusion, and a constant stream of stresses. It is hard to inspire others from that place. It was certainly not a “bad” year. I never call it that. There were many, many gifts in it. While I can say that I had courage and brought forward a lot of effort to tend to what kept presenting, I also failed through some of it, mostly in words, but sometimes in action.  Unfortunately, as you have probably experienced yourself, failures stick to us a bit more than successes do and so I am needing to work harder to see the full picture. So, how do I inspire from this place that is still raw and processing what went on? If I told you I already gained wisdom from these experiences, it would not be real. In time, I may have something useful to share about grief, about raising teenagers, about communicating better, about being a daughter, a sibling, a spouse, a friend, a teacher. But, for now, I am still digesting and learning and I feel very humbled by the past year and humbled to be before you today. We come together whether it is here on New Year's Day or in our groups and meditations at the studio or online each week for a particular reason and that is to remember. We already know what we need to live well. We already know, inside, what we value. We already have many skills and tools to guide us. But we are all of the nature to forget. There are many forces at work to help us to forget, to pull us out of alignment with our true nature, with our inner wisdom. When we come together we are reminded of what we know and we realign. It helped me to remember that I don’t need to inspire you. But I can bring us together and we can remind each other by our presence and practice of what matters to us.  While my confidence in my ability to come from my highest place in the hardest moments has been rattled by this past year, one thing I know for sure and can confidently share is that mindfulness practice kept me sane and able to keep showing up as best I could. And so, it is with this one bit of clarity that I want to highlight three nuggets of practice that have helped me over the year. Though I may say these quite a bit in the groups and meditations I lead, they can be subtle and easy to miss, to forget and yet, I think they are rather profound. The first one… This fall, at the beginning of meditations, I started saying, “for this little while, you have an opportunity to do something different.” Meditation is not intended to be a time for us to let our thoughts run amok, but it is time to do something other than be carried away. We spend a tremendous portion of our day thinking about some other time, or in fantasy, or thinking about what we want, or what “should be,” rather than experiencing the very moment that we're in, as it is, as we are. The statement, “for this little while, you have an opportunity to do something different,” is meant to wake us up and be intentional in choosing to put down what pulls us away and be here, now. It is a radical act. Everything we do could be an opportunity to do something different. To not do the habitual, but to see everything afresh, anew, with curiosity, with equanimity. This is hard to do. Many things went on for me this year that I was unable to meet with equanimity or bring curiosity to, but at the very least, my meditation practice was a way to keep reminding myself to stop and get in touch again with what matters.  We can begin again. A New Year gives us that opportunity also. To not see it as just another year we are entering, but a unique year of our lives where we get to practice choosing how we meet whatever arises in it. To have a say in what we cultivate, what we create, what we maintain and how we maintain it. But we have to recognize it first – this is an opportunity. Each day is an opportunity. Each moment is an opportunity. Even my way of seeing the past year is an opportunity to see it with more awe, wonder, and curiosity.  That’s the first nugget — we have an opportunity to do something different. My second nugget you’ll hear me say in meditation is, “only you can let yourself rest” or “only you can let yourself be at ease.”  How many of you subconsciously think that someone is going to give you permission, as if someone else can allow you to let go, to be at ease and you’re waiting for that permission to come? Unfortunately, or fortunately, no one can do this for us. It has to be a choice we make to put things down – put down doing, getting places, rushing, planning, rehashing, perfectionism, blaming, consuming (all the things we can consume). Even then, when we do put things down, it is still up to us to let our physical tension go, to be at ease in our body. If I carry something heavy and put it down, but still clench my shoulders, my hands, my abdomen, then I have not yet put it down. This also is very radical. It is an act of self-kindness that we can strengthen when we meditate. What this gets at is… Are you kind to yourself? And if you are not kind to yourself, are you looking for it outside of you? As if someone else can give it to you? While we need the kindness of others, if we can’t give it to ourselves, we will always be searching outside of ourselves. It is a hard feeling to always be searching. Every time we meditate, we have an opportunity to practice self-kindness.  Nuggets 1 and 2 – this moment is an opportunity to do something different and only we can let ourselves rest and be at ease.  This brings me to the 3rd notion I have been emphasizing that very much goes with the last one. As we scan the body at the beginning of meditation, I will often suggest allowing yourself to be soft and open in your body. You can try it right now, to meet this moment not contracted, hardened, tight with judgment, defensive, ready for a fight. But to let yourself have a soft belly, an easy ribcage, a relaxed chest, open face, soft eyes.  Do you know when you meet someone with an openness about them – you can see it in their face, in their eyes, in their voice? It's a beautiful thing. We can all be like that. There is a lot in life that causes us to close off. What I find is that in meditation, I become aware that I have armoured up again, and again, I can choose to take it off. It’s okay to armour up in moments, but we don’t have to stay with that heavy metal on. Over time, we grow in the ability to leave the armour off for longer periods of time. We are more effective, more loving, more understanding, we communicate better if we are present, open, unarmoured. My invitation this year is to keep coming together so that we can help each other remember that each moment is an opportunity, that we can choose to be more at ease, to rest, to be soft, open and kind. We can cultivate this for ourselves and for the benefit of all beings. The world needs us to do this. Life feels better this way.