This week, I am sharing the words from my talk on Sunday night. My daughter, when she was 7, was brilliant at expressing the energy of "no." Her arms naturally folded across her body and her look was so intense, it was hard not to laugh (out of a mixture of amusement and fear!). Here are some words to go with this energy...oh and she gave me permission to share this photo.
While our meditation tonight was on saying “yes” and opening to what’s here, this talk is about honoring the energy of “no.”
We all face things in life where the energy of “no” rises up. It could be around some responsibility that we have to handle that we don’t want to, a change that we want to make, but resist because we don’t know how to make it happen, or it feels too difficult, or because it would require us to be vulnerable and “not know” something. We can have this experience around something in our careers, relationship, habits (for example, it could surface around eating and knowing we need to make a change that would be beneficial), or anything having to do with self-care, our creative lives, finances, or it could surface around an attitude we have with ourselves that we no longer want (for example, I no longer want to look in the mirror and judge my body). You likely get the gist -- there is something we want or maybe something we simply have to do, but the energy of “no” or resistance is there.
Sometimes we don’t even realize that we have the energy of “no” around it, but every suggestion, every offer, every chance to begin is met with an excuse why it won’t work, or we can’t do it that way, or it’s not the right time, etc. Those can feel so true that it doesn't actually seem like we are saying “no,” but we are. They feel like legitimate reasons and so we don’t move. This is where our defenses can rise up, too. Just so you know you are not alone in this, how many of you recognize this experience? [I think everyone raised their hand when asked].
It takes some honesty and vulnerability to admit to, but when we can, we can find the humor in this very human experience. Rather than judge it, we can honor the “no.” I had this image of all of us collectively taking out the child in us that is kicking and screaming "no," and putting them in a safely padded room together to run amok for a little while. A place where they let the “no” get exhausted out of them. When we don’t admit to the resistance, feel the stuckness and share it, it can become hardened, feel shameful, or cause depression. Instead we don't have to be alone with it and the more we share it, the more we recognize that we all go through this and we can laugh with ourselves.
How can we bring the energy of mindfulness to this energy of “no?” I invite you to call up something in your life where maybe you want to do something, or maybe need to take action, but there’s something in the way.
The first step is to know it’s there. Awareness. Being able to admit to the energy of “no” without excuses. Simply name it.
The next step is to feel the “no.” To not judge the resistance, but make room for it, what does it actually feel like in your body -- this thing that needs action, but it’s not happening, where you feel stuck or resistant, or like it can’t happen. Does it have a sensation? Do you feel it held somewhere? To move into the physical experience of “no” and allow for it to be felt. Can you breathe right there. And now, what’s the feeling underneath the “no?”
The third step would be to bring in compassion. This is to recognize that there is a large part of ourselves who knows we want or need to say, “yes,” to take a next step, to lean in and do what feels hard, but something is in the way and that, alone, is a hard thing to experience (we may not even know what’s in the way, but we feel it). We all know what this is like (to feel this inner conflict) and just as we would have compassion for someone else in this place, we can have it for ourselves. It’s important to note that having compassion won’t mean that it excuses us or lets us “off” from doing, but it can soften the edges so that we can open. When we are hardened, defensive, there’s no opening to receive. We can’t get creative. So compassion opens a space. This step takes some time. We may just have to sit for a while, practicing compassion before we can move on. Once we are on our own side, a friend to ourselves, then we are more likely able to face what’s hard. If we try to face what’s difficult when we are already giving ourselves a hard time, it makes it that much harder.
The next step would be to connect to the motivation. Why move in this direction? What value(s) of yours does it bring out? What is the energy in the body as you remember why? When we are refreshed on the reasons why, and not just intellectually, but we really connect with the felt experience of why (what would it feel like inside), we let the goodness behind it fill us. From here, we can ask, what is a step we can take?” It can be small. We don’t have to worry about the next step after that. We can simply take this step. And if after this step we have to do this process all over again to take the next step, we do just that.
Remember that there is no timeline for this. Unless you decide on one, no one else is keeping tabs. There are no rewards at the end. Just your own feeling of accomplishment, purpose, meaning, connection. You do this for you because it matters to you.
When we can honor the “no,” then we can say, “yes.”
Jean
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