Trusting What We Can't Yet See

There are things in life that we can't see, but we learn that they are still there even if our eyes can't take them in. The sun is an easy example. It may be hidden behind a solid expanse of gray clouds, but we know it is still there. And then there are the less obvious ones. Our own light is something we might not see in ourselves at times, trusting that, like the sun, it is still there behind the darkness of a mood, or a dulled energy, or lackluster mental or physical state is not always so easy. We might not be able to access it, but the light still resides inside. The absence of someone -- for whatever reason they may be out of our picture -- the person, though we can't see them, is still there, even if in spirit or memory. But being able to trust in the presence of something we can't see takes some learning. To believe in our paths, our visions, ourselves certainly requires trusting in what we can't yet see. 

Young children don't know it. When a parent is out of sight, they easily fear they are gone. As we grow, we learn that they're not gone, just momentarily hidden from view. For people who have experienced repeated abandonment, this access to trust is harder to gain, but still possible to strengthen. How do we trust that the light is still there when we don't feel it or see it? How do we trust that we are still creative when we currently can't access it? How do we trust that we can feel happy, or light, when the current state is heavy or dark? How can we trust that our body, when we have a cold or flu, will get back to "normal" even if we feel terrible in the moment? What do we need to call upon in ourselves to connect to that which we feel separated? This is a great question to feel into and it may not be immediately clear, but if you stay with it, something is likely to come.

This is what came for me:

Remembering The Middle Way. 
When something that is meaningful to me (my health, a person, inspiration) feels gone, I have most likely gone to an extreme. I think it's never coming back. "This time it's real. I'll never feel the same again." These kinds of thoughts are too far in one direction. There isn't room for possibilities, nuances, multiple meanings. Sometimes just noting that I've gotten away from the Middle Way is all I need to shift a little. I don't even have to figure out how to get back. The recognition that I'm going too far is enough to guide me to center. 

Feeling the absence.
When I get caught in the belief that I have "lost" something/someone because I can't see them, the feeling can be so convincing that nothing can shake it and I sink into the hole of absence. In that place, there is nothing to do but to feel the absence and don't make it worse by adding on judgement of the feeling or situation. "The emptiness of whatever it is feels like this..." It may be heavy, drooping, deadened, resigned, bleh. Whatever words describe the place are the "right" words and the experience in my body is simply that -- the current moment experience that will inevitably change.

Taking in the return.
All things change. Most likely what feels lost will come back in sight and when it does return (and I feel somewhat silly for thinking it was completely gone) I can pause and take in what it feels like to have it back. I can let this feeling, in all its detail, sink further into my consciousness. This is what it's like to remember. This is what it feels like in my body (relief, ease, joy, energy, etc.). When I stop and consciously take something in, it has a more lasting impression and I can recall it more easily. Maybe the next time and the time after that the feeling of trust will get stronger and it won't feel so permanent. In this way, I gradually build that muscle of trust. 

It is inevitable for us, at times, to think we have lost our way, our vision, our purpose, our connection to others, to love. It's a natural part of the suffering of life. And when it returns, we get to experience the joy of connection, of finding what was missing. We can't have one without the other. We must experience them both, but all along the way, we can know that the sun is always there.

Asking Questions

 

Do you remember being told many times over in your education to ask questions and being encouraged with the phrase that "there are no stupid questions?" And yet, if you were shy like me, you held the question to yourself or worse, you thought you were the only one that had that question so it must mean something was wrong with you. Just think how many great questions go unasked all the time! What a loss. I love that what I do now is mostly ask questions. For some reason, I am only realizing this today and suddenly I am excited by the realization. Why? (No pun intended).

 A question, when it is asked with genuine openness, can often be a gift to our nervous system because it asks us to move into a place of curiosity. It invites us to stop and listen and to search for understanding. It welcomes us to think and feel for what we need in order to discover (it is generative). Sometimes, it is a shifting question, one that opens up our perspective to hold something in a new way or from another angle. The shifting question can change a negative mind state, to one of possibility, energy or clarity. It can can turn a confused place to one that has understanding or that allows for complexity. A "good" question makes something fresh. It allows us to step back from the subject and get the space we need to see it anew. An insightful question doesn't look for black and white answers and doesn't get bogged down with right and wrong. We ask the question because we believe that there is insight within. It might not happen right away or with one question, but it is there for us to uncover.

How do you ask an insightful, generative, or shifting question? It has to be open and broad enough in scope around the subject. It also has to ask something we don't yet know. Insightful questions aren't smart or clever. Insightful questions often evoke curiosity in us that wasn't present before. They also ask us to listen to our felt sense of the situation, rather than what our logical, practical brain might know about it. When we listen with our gut, with our heart, from what the body knows, we get another way of perceiving what is here.

What are some possible questions that can open us up and inspire curiosity? Here are just a handful that come to mind:

• What is this needing in me? (For example: patience, acceptance, kindness, inspiration, space). 
• Where in my body is this subject held and what does it feel like?
• What assumptions am I making?
• What do I not yet know here that I can let myself not know?
• What would make this easier?
• What matters most to me about this issue?
• What does my higher self, after all these years of experiencing life, know about this?

My invitation this week, whenever you find yourself grappling with something or when you find yourself in any hard emotional or mental state, get curious and ask yourself an open question that causes you to stop and search inside (you might choose one from the list above). Say the question aloud and respond aloud. This will help you find clarity. Slow the question down when you ask it so that you can hear what is being asked. And even just a small insight or opening can go a long way. Asking questions is a very powerful tool we can utilize with ourselves and with each other. (Just be sure when you ask someone else a question, it is truly a question and not a statement, suggestion or opinion disguised as a question).

We never know which question is going to make us go "ah!" Curiosity leads to creativity and we are always creating our lives. Wishing you a beautiful week.

🌷
Jean

How Do I Want To Meet This?

It is not uncommon for us to have to face things in the near future that feel hard, things that we may have to do, or even want to do, even as they produce a feeling of dread or fear. The reason why it feels hard doesn't really matter for what I am offering today. Of course, there is a reason and it likely has useful information for us to know, but even if we don't get into the why, we can ask ourselves a simple shifting question, "how do I want to meet this?" 

I tried this on today with something on my plate and it helped. This thing before me is something I need and want to do, but I lack clarity on the situation I'm stepping into and that uncertainty is uncomfortable. Rather than stew in the discomfort, I asked myself, "Jean, even if it stays unclear, how do you want to meet this occasion?" The answer was clear. Two words came, openness and playfulness. As soon as I said them, I felt a shift. There was a "yes" in response to those words. If I am going to do this thing, I might as well decide how I want to "be" in it. That's up to me. If I don't choose, then I am subject to whatever emotions and ways of being that come automatically and those might not be as pleasant. From here I asked, "well, what would help you to be open and playful?" More answers came that felt clear and "true." What does this process do? It moves me from dread to possibility, from powerlessness to power, from feeling fearful to feeling capable. 

My invitation this week is simple. See if there is anything you are not looking forward to, dreading, fearing, procrastinating about and ask yourself the question: how do I want to meet this? With what energy, insight, clarity of being do you want to show up with? If you are going to do it, you might as well make the best of it. How can you bring your best self to this moment, because it is a precious moment of your life. Hear whole words and sentences in return. Let it inform you and see how it shifts the energy inside. Even if the moment doesn't go as you intend it to, you will have brought your genuine and best self forward to the challenge and that is the most we can ask of ourselves.

I hope this simple shift in perspective comes in handy. It can be used again and again. Please write and let me know if the question shifts something for you!

Wishing you and beautiful first week of May. For all the moms out there and anyone who "mothers" in all the ways we can, I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. We get to celebrate the beautiful role we have been gifted with and honor ourselves for the love and care we give. 

Freedom From Suffering?

It's taken a long time. I think I finally have it, this thing about suffering. No longer will I say in exasperation, "why is this self-doubt or why is this _____ issue still here?" My mind, which wants me to believe I will get to a place where something no longer causes me pain, has been rewired with a deeper understanding that feels much more true. I thought I already had this down, but there are subtle layers of understanding that take time to unpeel. 

There is freedom from suffering and it is not what we often think (and maybe not what we want to hear!). It is the freedom to let suffering happen without thinking something is "wrong" and must be fixed or that it "shouldn't" be there. It doesn't mean we don't do anything to bring relief when we can, but the subtle, yet powerful shift comes when we let go of thinking we shouldn't have to experience it or that there is a way out of it, once and for all.

The way out of suffering is by letting ourselves be in it when it's here. It is contrary to what we often try to do. We think if we understand the issue more (no amount of therapy will remove all suffering), or if we medicate it, smoke, drink, consume it away, we will be free of pain. I wish that were true. Suffering is a part of life.

What does it mean to be in it? It means when we are in the midst of any difficult feeling -- self-doubt, self-criticism, feeling not enough, anxiety, anger, loneliness, we remove the idea that it's not okay. We experience it and remove the judgement. No good, no bad; it may be uncomfortable, but it is what it is,  a sensation, a feeling we can be with and one that will change. 

How do we not get in the way so that suffering can come and go?

1. Awareness. We need to know what's arising to give it room so that our habitual, self-preserving instincts don't kick in to lock the door. Meditation, therapy, self-reflection, integrative body/mind work on a regular basis keeps us aware. It doesn't have to be a big deal, or even an expensive one (groups, free meditations, journaling practices, all can do the trick) -- something that gives us space, time, room to lean in and meet ourselves with compassion, kindness, and presence.

2. Allow the issue to be there as a felt experience, simply something we are experiencing in our body and mind. It will change. "Right now, it feels like this."

3. Compassion. This is the human condition. We are not alone in it. We can offer comfort by reminding ourselves that it's okay to feel this way. What a relief to know that there is nothing wrong with us for having a hard experience. We all do at times and it's not all there is to us.

My invitation this week is when you experience a hard feeling, let yourself be in it and don't add anything more onto it.  The whole experience of living lightens when we allow suffering to exist. Only then can it move through us and we can access all that is not suffering in and around us -- the beauty, the joy, the excitement, the laughter, the inspiration, the feeling of love and connection. Thank goodness because life, in all its complexity, is amazing.