Did You Leave Yourself?

Lately in my groups when we pair up to listen and share about an exercise, I’ll ask everyone to pause at some point and come back to their breath and notice if they “left themselves” when they were listening or speaking. Do you know how you can be in a conversation and not be very aware of your own body, feelings, needs or surroundings? It’s no easy task to stay present to ourselves or to the moment as we do anything. It becomes especially challenging to do when we add another living being to the mix! Being present to the other’s energy and needs while also present to our own can often be difficult to navigate. This is why mindful communication is a deep on-going practice. And, wow, does this world need more of it! The Buddha understood this which is why Right Speech is one of the practices on the Noble Eightfold Path. It’s called Right Speech, but Right Speech involves deep listening.

We live in a time when we have extensive technological means to communicate and yet people are lonely and deeply longing for meaningful connection. One way to improve connection with others is to first improve it with ourselves. We can pay attention to when we disconnect from ourselves as we listen and speak. By centering ourselves in our felt experience, we can reconnect and be more present to whatever is before us ( (i.e. a living being, an activity, nature).

This might sound counterintuitive. We can think that to be present to someone in communication is to put ourselves aside as we listen and only take in the other person. But there is another way and that is to be present to ourselves and the other at the same time. We don’t have to lose ourselves in the other in order to be present. In fact, when we do that, we often lose awareness, because we are hyper-focused. Our vision can narrow. We stop using all our senses and it can be harder to be authentic when we do respond because we are not listening to what is arising in ourselves that has valuable information.

It’s easy to think that mindful communication is all about our brain choosing the “right” words and reminding ourselves to pay attention, but it is so much more than an intellectual process. To be present requires our whole body because we are here in a body. We forget that we can listen, process, and speak with our whole body. When we do, we gain so much more information and insight. Here’s what I mean…

I can pay attention as I listen and become more aware of what's happening in my physical body. Am I starting to contract somewhere? Is my breath getting shallow? Is my heart beating faster? Am I leaning forward in anticipation, excitement, or in an effort to understand? Am I starting to feel heavy or tired, shutting down, or am I gaining energy and aliveness? Am I feeling more relaxed, at ease?

When I speak, am I sensing what it's like to say whatever it is I’m saying? Am I taking enough time to align my words to what I’m actually wanting to convey? Am I rushing to get words out because I think I need to have a quick, immediate response, or because someone else may jump in before I get a chance to say anything? Am I speaking just to speak, to take up space, or fill the gaps? Do I need to say what I am saying? Have I already said this many times, if so, what am I looking to get from it this time? We’re looking not for self-judgment, but awareness and the power to choose?

I know, for myself, when I am interacting socially, I can “leave myself” out of nervousness, when I don’t take my time, or when I feel rushed. If the talk is fast or loud, I might try to meet it with the same energy even though it doesn’t bring me a sense of connection, or leave me feeling fulfilled by the interaction. I leave myself when I think I need to plan a response, help, fix, or impress, rather than feel what just went on and wait and see what comes that feels authentic and meaningful. I leave myself when I am worried about being judged or when I start comparing myself. My go to when I start to feel this is to feel myself breathing and to sense the ground underneath me or my weight in my seat and to be aware and even let go of what’s contracting.

My invitation this week is to bring the same quality of attention to our speaking and listening as we do in sitting meditation. Slowing down to pause, sense, and feel what arises in the body, mind, and emotions, and then to choose what we say or don’t say. Most of the time, we will forget, or realize in retrospect what was going on, but that’s ok. We’re not looking for perfect, just micro-moments of awareness and deliberate choice in our communication. This way, we can avoid being swept up in a current, not aware of the feel of the water, what direction we are going, what we need, or if we even want to be in the water at all. It’s very powerful to be with ourselves and others in this way.

🍁
Jean