To Be Present Is Not Enough

 

I know it looks like a stock photo. I took this one morning from the place we had the good fortune of staying at in Maine. Each day I was in awe that we were there. Not in Maine itself, but that finally we were staying on a fresh pond, where I could roll out of bed and sit with my coffee on the dock, meditate, read, talk about a whole lot of nothing with my family, and swim whenever I wanted. I didn't have to pack everyone up and get the house moving. This was my 11th summer visit to the island and, for the first time, I didn't feel the need to go on the great hikes through Acadia and see all the edges of the stunning land and sea. There are those vacations where you come back full, but exhausted and there are the ones you come back rested and nourished. This was the latter and I am grateful for everything and everyone that made it possible. If you are reading this email, you are a part of my gratitude.

Besides giving me a break, trips like this inspire me and on this trip it was literally inspiration itself that came clear. My teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, talked about coming back to the breath again, and again, and again. The phrase "I know I am breathing in; I know I am breathing out" is permanently etched in my mind. He didn't say come back to awareness, he said come back to your breath. This may sound esoteric, but on this trip, it was clear to me that though I was somewhere quiet, serene, and peaceful, and though I didn't have any significant worries or concerns weighing on me, to just sit there taking it in didn't shift my nervous system away from fight/flight/freeze toward rest and digest. To fully take in the setting and the people, it took more than being present in my mind. That was not enough. I had to be present in my body also.

I know there are different forms of meditation and different ways one can practice, but, for me, it is clear that positive inner shifts come when the awareness is both physical and mental/emotional. Just having one doesn't do it. One can effect the other, but I need both. As I sat there on the dock, delighted by where I was, at first I thought, "I don't need to meditate here; I can just enjoy it." Then I realized that without spending some time conscious of my in-breath and out-breath, watching it slow down and gradually deepen just by being aware of it, being there in that beautiful place wouldn't change how I felt overall. My nervous system wouldn't shift.

It left me inspired to share with you that if you go on vacation, or simply do something nice for yourself for an hour, to increase its benefit, be aware of your breathing. It's nothing dramatic. It's subtle, in the background. Other people can't see it or hear it, but you feel it. It's not about controlling the breath, but feeling the breath's movement as you take in whatever it is you are doing. Aware of the subtle rise and fall of my breathing, I listened to the birds, watched the fog drift across the pond, observed the gradual shift of the pond from stillness to flow and felt myself shift, too.

It's not the place, or even how present I am, but feeling myself breathe as I take it in that makes it calming, nourishing, replenishing. To be present in our breathing body is where the gift of meditation lies. The change toward inner spaciousness, acceptance, and ease, can't happen only with the awareness of our thoughts, feelings and sensations, but in the act of breathing with them. If I stop and get quiet, but am only thinking, (even if I am enjoying my thoughts), that's not meditation. If I go somewhere peaceful, spacious, or beautiful, but I am not connected to my body while in that place, it is an intellectual experience, not a felt one, like looking at a postcard of a place rather than being in the place. It can't penetrate my way of being.

Developing greater awareness of our breath throughout our daily activities is the practice and my emphasis for this week's pause. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you can practice. Just tune in. Set the intention to keep coming back to feeling the rise and fall of your inhale and exhale. Whether you are going on a vacation, working, walking the dog, meeting a friend, or taking a day at the beach, may your awareness of breathing in and breathing out slow you down and bring you into the kind of presence that changes your inner experience. 

🌼
Jean

Feeling The Love!

 

In the workshop I teach on strengthening our ability to be kind toward ourselves, one of the tools I use may not, at first, seem obvious. It's the act of turning our attention toward what is good and well in our lives. When we direct our attention this way, it rewards us by giving us a chance to savor and be nourished. Who doesn't want to take in more of a good thing! Rather than roll on through to the next moment and miss out, we can receive and let ourselves feel satisfied, happy, and full. This is a choice. When we are aware, we can make these kinds of choices which, ultimately, effect our well-being. 

Today's pause is a practice I shared in last week's A Mindful Life groups and is one that we can do again and again. Remember that it only works if you do it. To read about it is not enough, so give it a full-hearted try. You are worth taking the time for.

You can do this in writing or as a meditation. You can do it at the end of a day or the end of a week. For today's practice, think through the past few days and name all the ways, big and small, that you felt loved (or valued, or appreciated). Keep going with the refrain, "I felt loved when..." With each one, take a breath and feel it again in your whole being or, maybe feel it for the first time if you didn't allow yourself to in the moment it happened (this happens more often then we might realize). Keep the refrain going longer than you think you need to. In waiting, more might come to mind, especially the simple things we tend to overlook. At the end, note how it feels to recognize the love that came our way.

While this practice is self-rewarding, it has the potential to spread goodness because we realize that the acts of love we receive are also ones we can give. We understand that the nice things we do matter to people. They may seem small or insignificant, but they make a difference. Just like we appreciate being the recipients of love, we can make choices to help others feel loved, too. The next step is to ask if there are ways you would like to express love in the coming day(s). It's not that you don't already, but sometimes we can think someone already knows we appreciate them and so we don't say it. Or, we think it wouldn't matter much to the person, but as we see for ourselves, it does. We can be generous in our love. Why hold it back? 

Be kind to yourself. You are the best one for the job. Be on your team.

Wishing you a week of loving abundance.

🌼
Jean

A Simple Way To Practice

 

One of the many aspects of summer that I appreciate is being able to meditate outside. There is a simple way to practice outdoors that I find makes the ability to stay in the present moment easier and allows my mind to concentrate more effortlessly. Give this a try and see how it feels.

The practice is all about present moment awareness. Moment by moment being right where you are with the breath in the background and also serving as the home base that you return to. It helps you to stay aware and practice being present. You can't be "wrong" about it or "bad" at it. It's just simple awareness of being alive right now. And what this does is train us in being present without judgment, evaluation, attachment, or avoidance. We just notice what is arising.

• Start by letting your weight settle into your seat and feel the ground underneath you. Let go of effort in your body that you don't need and find your way to stillness. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable enough.
• Begin to sense your breath coming in and going out and follow along, experiencing one breath at a time. With each set of inhaling/exhaling, you can say "breathing." This is what you will keep coming back to. See if you can maintain this awareness in the background as you notice whatever else arises.
• As your mind/body notices sensations and thoughts, name them, coming back to "breathing" between them: sounds (birds, plane, truck backing up, soccer ball, children playing), sensations (breeze, warm sun, sweat, this chair, heavy arms, rumbling stomach), thoughts (planning, that conversation, that task, fantasy), feelings (worry, self-doubt, restlessness, relaxed, peace).
• Between naming, continually return to your breath saying, "breathing" until you notice something else present. 

It might sound something like this (read slowly with pauses between each): breathing, breathing, birds, car going by, breathing, plane, breathing, breeze, train, breathing, planning, breathing, baseball, that trip, breathing, Mike, breathing, dinner, etc.

Just 5 minutes of this can help us reconnect our body and mind, bring us into the present and ground us. Reach out with any questions/reflections. Enjoy your breath and your practice. 

🌼
Jean

P.S. If you want to practice together this way, join us for an outdoor practice and walk on 8/12 with A Morning Pause. And Last call for my Strengthening Self-Kindness Workshop this Saturday (3 spaces left).

Replenish, Refresh, Renew

 

Summer officially started last week. In my town, for those kids who showed up, today was "technically" the last day of school. Thank goodness! I always loved the end of a school year and the sense of freedom that came with it. Though, as an adult, it's not quite the same because adult responsibilities still go on, I enjoy how the town gets quiet, the long days of light bring a feeling of greater spaciousness and slower time, and the invitation to play, whether I take it or not, sits on my table ready to be opened. 

The academic calendar is forever engrained in me and so these months are the time when I welcome a shift in my schedule, in my drive, in my sense of duty. We all need a season to be replenished, refreshed, and renewed.

Whether summer is your favorite or least favorite season, my invitation this week is to ask yourself what needs to be replenished, refreshed, renewed during these months? Like a gentle mist of cool water on your face on a hot day. Ask the question, close your eyes, and wait to hear what comes? See if what arises at first captures it. If it does, what does it feel like to acknowledge it? If it doesn't, listen some more, and see what feels true. Then ask, "what would bring me the feeling of being replenished, refreshed, and renewed?" Here are some questions and examples to help inspire the answer...

• Is there a certain activity that brings the feeling? (Swimming in a fresh water pond, reading novels, sitting outside at night watching fireflies).
• Is it giving yourself permission to change a routine? If so, what is it? (Sleeping in, staying up late, loosening up on family "rules" that, though helpful during the school year, cause more friction than they are worth in the summer).
• Is it letting go of something you do? (Not listening to/reading the news, not working in those afterwork hours, not mowing the lawn and hiring someone instead, not doing everyone's laundry because they are around and can help, not planning every meal, but dividing up the task). 
• Does it involve play, rest, creativity, movement? (Going to concerts, taking tennis lessons, signing up for a jewelry and metalsmithing class, and I can't leave out... meditating with a group).

I welcome you to write to me and share what you found. There is something about saying it to someone that makes the follow through more likely.  Remember that when you replenish yourself, you benefit everyone. Being burnt out, depleted, run down, or stuck in a rut doesn't help us to connect, create, share, inspire, or add joy to life. We don't have to change everything, just some simple shifts can bring renewal. Most importantly, when you are doing them, really take in what it feels like. Let yourself be replenished.

🌼
Jean

Body Appreciation Meditation

 

This week's pause comes in the form of a meditation. Being here in this vulnerable form of a human body, we are subject to constant physical change. From before we even come into the world we are growing and changing and it never stops. Even after we take our last breath, our physical form changes. I wish I could say this was an easy process to flow with, but for most it involves some struggle. Our body changes shape, loses muscle, gains muscle, grows things in places we don't want, sheds things we want to keep, gets sick. Sometimes there is physical pain and sometimes it causes emotional pain. Unfortunately, when we are suffering around our body, we tend to feel separate from our body, as if it is failing us, or feel as if our body should be different than it is. But, this amazing body is what allows us to experience this life. It was made for us and, when we criticize it, we cause more suffering. 

Feeling my own ups and downs as my body naturally changes with age, I realized that a specific meditation geared for anyone wanting to shift away from berating one's physical self to strengthening the ability to honor, care for, and appreciate this body, would be worth making and sharing. When we shift our perception to one that is loving and grateful toward ourselves, life feels very different. I hope this meditation is helpful. Whenever you find yourself in a struggle with your body -- fighting with how you look, how you move, how you are aging, and whenever you are facing ill health and need healing, I hope this practice is useful in switching the song in your mind from one that is critical or fearful to one that is caring, tender, and loving. We all need to be reminded.

To listen to the meditation click here.

🌼
Jean

P.S. If this speaks to you and you haven't taken the Strengthening Self-Kindness workshop with me, please sign up for the one on July 15th! 6 spaces left.

The Body Brings Us Here

 

I hope you are enjoying a long, holiday weekend. Today's email comes early in the day so that you can take this Mindful Pause into the day with you. It's a simple practice to help you to be present in your beautiful body, allowing yourself to be filled in simple ways.

As many of you hear me say often in my guided meditations -- "we are here in this body and, in this form, we get to experience all kinds of sensations. When we are sensing ourselves, we are here in the present moment." It is very hard to fully sense what is happening now and be somewhere else in our mind. Try feeling the touch of your shirt on your torso and arms, the way the fabric feels, its weight or lightness, anything about it, and at the same time, think about what you are going to make for dinner. It's not so easy! Impossible, maybe?

Today's practice is to help us set the intention to savor our experiences in the day before us. Take a pause to ask yourself, "what, today, do I want to savor with each of my senses?" Take one at a time and see what sight, sound, taste, smell, touch you can name, now, that you would like to fully enjoy in the moment of experiencing it?  You might close your eyes and ask the question for each sense. Bring yourself there and allow yourself to appreciate what you get to experience in life. Yes, this exercise has us lean into a future moment, but with the intention of helping us not miss out when it happens. An added bonus is that in the process of thinking it through, we can already enjoy it. We can set ourselves up so that we don't just roll on through to the next thing, but are filled by our daily experiences. It is an act of self-kindness.

Here's an example. Today, I want to savor the smell of cinnamon before I put it on my oatmeal and the smell of the blue tansy face oil when I put it on my skin before bed. I want to take in the sight of the peonies my friend cut from her garden in all their lushness. I want to listen fully to the sounds of the country as we take a walk on the trail. With the arrival of a much anticipated new couch, I want to savor the feeling of my body relaxing into it.

🌼
Jean

The Toll of Rushing

We all know what it feels like to rush. I'm not sure anyone would say that it feels good! Yet, how many of us find ourselves in a state of rushing to get somewhere, to do something, to get through something, even things we like to do like eating or showering? Many of us find ourselves here more often than we want to and more often than is healthy for us. If you are nodding in agreement with this one, you are not alone and it needs no judgement or shaming. Above all, it needs self-love and then the deep conviction to want to help oneself stop. 

We rush our physical bodies through space getting from here to there. We rush through our lives to get to the next moment, the next goal, the next enjoyable thing. We rush other people (our kids, older people, animals, other people in their cars (think of honking horns when someone doesn't turn fast enough or getting mad when someone wants to turn left and we have to wait). We even rush our breath. A great question to ask is, "what are we ultimately trying to get to?" Seriously, do we really want to rush this moment of living to get to the end? Probably not. So, how do we put an end to rushing? 

1) We need to be honest and recognize how bad it actually feels. Take a pause and ask yourself, "what does it feel like in my body and mind when I am in a state of rushing -- when I feel late and start hurrying my actions, my words, my thoughts, other people?" Close your eyes and feel the sensations in that state. Describe them to yourself. What happens to your breathing, your musculature, your posture, your vision

For me, it is very clear. My breathing gets shallow and fast. My body tightens especially around my chest. My vision gets narrow. My posture can do one of two things -- my lower back will either arch in hyper extension (literally pushing my chest forward into the world) or my upper body will round with my abdominals and chest coming toward each other in a deep contraction. My mind feels singularly focused in a very closed stance. All to say, it feels bad and very far from the relaxed, spacious, open, easy, balanced, calm state I'd prefer to live in.

2) Once we admit what it feels like, we see clearly that when we rush, our nervous system gets taxed; we exhaust our adrenals and cause ourselves suffering. We change this when we are done beating ourselves up and we are done causing stress to those around us. When we rush, accidents happen, the wrong words come out, we stop listening and seeing, feelings get hurt, the body suffers. The more we grow in having a reverence for life, the more we want to take care of the lives that are here, including our own. We will want to change.

3) Meditation and living with more presence facilitates this change because we practice thinking, feeling, sensing and not reacting. Not everything goes at the speed or on the timetable we want it to. In fact, most things don't and we can strengthen our acceptance, adaptability, and patience. We can find the grace in being able to slow down, be present, let go, and enjoy the moment we have.

I used to be really good at rushing. These days, I don't like how it feels so much so that I have gotten better about it. It's a work in progress. I have found that it takes time to switch gears (literally), but why wouldn't I want that for myself and those around me when I understand what's at stake? The adrenaline rush of getting a lot done in a hurry isn't worth it anymore. Life goes fast enough.

May you find relief and joy in the practice of going slowly through your week.

🌼
Jean

What Is Nourishing You?

In a recent session of A Mindful Life we explored what it means to be nourished. I asked what makes something nourishing; what do you feel when you are nourished? The answers across all the groups included words like: full, satisfied, inspired, replenished, taken care of, having a need/longing met, feelings of calm, presence, relief, joy, connection, among many other life affirming terms. I then asked what was on their plate in the week ahead that was nourishing, keeping in mind all the things that we do for ourselves that are, in fact, nourishing. Because we do them regularly, we can easily stop taking in that many tasks we do are nourishing (eating, exercising, driving our kids to practice, bathing, cleaning). The interesting thing is that when we really look at what makes something nourishing, we start to see that so much of it is the way we perceive it -- the intention we bring to what we do and savoring it as we do it and after it's done. Having this time now, writing to you as I sit in the Gravity Vault as my daughter climbs, is nourishing. It gives me space and time to think about what I want to share and why. This is nourishing because I value connection, having purpose, and wanting to be of service.

Why is it important to reflect in this way? Because when we don't take in all the ways we nourish ourselves, we think we are empty, deprived. We feel we are missing something when, in fact, we just haven't taken in what we have that replenishes us, brings sustenance, energy, rest. We have to allow ourselves to be filled. It is a mindset we have control over.

My invitation this week is:

1) Ask yourself the question, what makes something nourishing? How do you know it is nourishing? What do you feel when you are nourished?

2) Based on that information, look ahead into this week. From now until Sunday, what will you be doing that is nourishing, (bearing in mind all the things you do that allow you to be replenished, to thrive, anything that helps you to feel at ease, connected, satisfied and full)?

3)  How does it feel to look at your week this way? Is anything different about it?

This is something we can do at the end of every day. When you get in bed at night, you can ask, "what today nourished me or what tomorrow will nourish me?" Change your mind to change your experience. It is a powerful and kind thing.

🌷
Jean

I Love Cupcakes?

When I first learned the teachings on Right Speech (or what you could call mindful speech), one of the many lines that stood out in the classical definition, as translated by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, was this line,

“Not  exaggerating or embellishing. We don't dramatize unnecessarily, making things sound better, worse, or more extreme than they actually are. If someone is a little irritated, we don't say that he is furious.”

Not exaggerating. We all know people who are especially prone to exaggeration, but it is likely we do it ourselves to some degree. I know I do. It can add dramatic effect or emphasize a point. It can be funny. It can get attention or get people to react. It can also add unnecessary drama and water the seeds of anxiety and fear if we are not mindful. It's easy to do, too! We may not think of it this way, but being aware of when we exaggerate and working to modify it is an act of kindness, to ourselves and to those around us. We can become attuned to the words we use and be more mindful so that we create less pain and suffering. 

Certain words are good indicators that we might want to check in and see if we are making something bigger than it is. Words like always, never, hate/love, toxic, are some examples. "He always... They never... I hate…. I love (an object)... I had a "bad" day/year… She’s toxic… It’s a sh!# show." They may seem benign on the surface, but our speech matters. Are we saying what we mean? Are we being genuine? Are we adding on more than what is there? Is it really true? Are we expressing something that is coming from a very narrow perspective in a hot moment born from frustration, anger, fear? Are we caught up in the excitement of relating to another person/group over something we are passionate about and getting carried away in our unified perception of it? 

My family will often hear me say, “I love cupcakes.” Is it true? Well, I really DO like them… a lot. Is love involved? Not so much. Does it really matter? Part of me says, “not really” because I think it is a given that people know this. The only downside is that when the word “love” is often used in this way, it waters down its meaning. If I say I “hate” something do I really mean that I feel hatred? It’s a strong word. I can’t actually call up something I hate. I have likes and dislikes for sure. Is someone really “toxic” or do they behave in a way that I or other people react to in a negative way? No one can be toxic, but we can react negatively to them (it’s on us, not them). If I say I am having "a bad day," it implies that's all there is to it. Is that true? Was every part of the day bad? Probably not, unless everything I saw and touched wilted like the way a witch in a fairy tale makes a fresh flower droop just by looking at it. But, my way of seeing and talking about my day could make it bad day, but that's a choice I get to make.

The obvious downside of exaggerating is that it can create heightened feelings; it can exacerbate anxiety and fear; it can lead to mistruths and incite gossip; it can label something/someone in a way that is not fair or complete. We are many different things. It doesn’t allow for us or others to change, to be more complex. It’s like talking about the same bad news again and again, it waters the negative seeds in us and in others. Often when we exaggerate, we can be making assumptions about another’s motivations or character when we don’t really “know” it to be true. Words have ripple effects and create meanings. What are we creating? It’s a good question when it comes to communication.

My simple invitation this week is to be more aware of the words we choose when we are describing something. We can notice their effects and, when we need to, we can self-correct and clarify. After-all, it feels good to be genuine, doesn’t it?

🌷🙏
Jean

How Much Effort Do We Need?

 

It's Monday and as I often do, I am making dinner early in the day, because the latter part will be too full. It feels good to make something nourishing, knowing that when we get home for dinner, it will be ready. Standing by the stove, stirring the pot, I realize I'm gripping the large wooden spoon just too tightly. My shoulders are working harder than they should. I ease up and let go and when I do, my eyes soften. I'm less caught in the narrow tunnel of getting something done in this free hour I have and can relax into the experience of being home and having the luxury of cooking. When I pick my daughter up from high school, she'll get in the car and ask, "turmeric? Are we having lentils tonight?" My clothes will smell of onion, ginger, garlic, and cumin. As I drive and listen to her day, I will notice when I am contracting unnecessarily somewhere in my body and let go, once again. Throughout the day, I am retraining myself.

The older I get, the more I am aware that moving through life doesn't have to be so effortful; it doesn't have to be a "fight." Often I speak of ways of working with the mind to bring more space and ease, but we can also initiate it from the body. The next time you are in public, or even at home, observe the physical effort people exert. Notice their shoulders as they do any task; see what their hands and fingers are doing as they stand in line, or what their lips and jaw are doing. We can begin to see how much effort we exert to do something relatively simple. How much does it really take to open up a can or turn a doorknob? What are we contracting in our face as we pay our bills or listen to someone? As soon as we pay attention to what we do in our body, it becomes clear. We don't need to do all of this. We can ease up and it is such a relief. A simple gift we can give ourselves again and again.

My invitation this week is to sporadically check in with your body doing anything at all and see where you can do less and still get your task done well, maybe even better. You might notice places where you habitually contract and, however many times it takes, let it go again. Know that it is a habit and will take time to undo. There is no need to get frustrated. Instead, enjoy the physical relief every time. It will become delicious to let go. By making conscious note of how different and good it feels, we will likely do it more, so don't skip this part of recognizing the difference. We can say to ourselves, "it can feel like this (contracted, tense, effortful) or it can feel like this (open, relaxed, easy)." Our whole being will be grateful. We will have more energy. We will feel more spaciousness. We will see more beauty and experience more wonder because we are more open. We will likely sleep better. Our interactions will be easier and more connecting.

If you exercise, it is great practice to shift between sensing what it's like when you exert yourself and sensing the rest when you are not. Notice if you are still exerting yourself when the movement is done. For example if I run 3/4 of the track and walk  for 1/4 of the track. During that walk, I let my shoulders and arms relax completely and I walk slowly. I don't have to keep contracting. Playing with this awareness when we do physical things helps us to know the difference between when we need to apply more effort and when we really don't.

There will be places where we are aware of tension or holding, but can't let go and that's okay, too. Awareness is the first step to making a change. What we can do in these moments is send a kind and compassionate thought. It is hard to not be able to let go when we want to and we can meet it with care. Simply to say, "this is hard to feel; may I have ease in my body and mind; may I be gentle with myself" can be enough to shift the energy, even just a little bit. You can also visualize the breath bringing space to that area, as if you could breathe into this part of you and let the movement and rhythm of the breath massage this held place.

Wishing everyone a week of ease and a happy April. If you are celebrating, I wish you a joyful and meaningful Easter and Passover.  

🌷🙏
Jean

A Simple Exercise to Encourage Opening

 

Oh my goodness! Spring has officially arrived! When I think of the season, the words that come are beginning, opening, transitioning, light, possibility, unearthing, and awe. The entire season feel like a "yes."  

In a recent A Mindful Life group, we did a simple exercise around saying, "yes." I want to share it with all of you because it is an easy way to help ourselves open our perspective and positively shift our experience from things that may feel mundane or that we may not see in a favorable light. It moves us toward gratitude and helps us not take for granted all of what we get to experience in being alive.

You can do this is as a journaling exercise, or in your mind, or out loud in the shower. The question is:

What today can I say, "yes" to (or what tomorrow can I say yes to, if you do this at night)?

Some things will come easily, but what if you also say, "yes" to those things that you might habitually resist, push away, or do by rote. And when you name it, take a pause and see what it feels like inside to be open to the experience, to be curious, to enjoy, to feel awe around it. For example, I can easily say "yes" to meeting my husband for coffee and when I take it in, I feel warmth, joy, excitement, and a smile comes to my face. I can also say "yes" to the discomfort I am having in my knee. "Yes" to the fact that my body is letting me know I need to shift something or pay attention, or rest, and yes to the fact that my body is protecting itself. I could say, "yes" to driving my daughter to her practice 25 minutes away and having that precious time with her in the car (of which I am aware will soon not be something I am needed for). Saying "yes" to these things opens me up to what is good in them, to what makes them possible, to the other people involved.

Whichever form you do it, be sure it doesn't become just a list you are making, like a to-do list, rather, stop with each one and try it on inside -- what is it like to open to the experience that you get to have in doing whatever it is. How does it feel different if you start by saying, "yes" rather than just go about it or maybe even resist or dread it? This is our life! We get to choose our perspective on it, how we go about it, what we bring to it, and we get to feel the joy of gratitude. 

Just like the spring says, "yes" to growth, to opening, to mud, to transitioning, to the possibility of everything, even as messy as it can be, we too, can meet our lives this way. It feels a lot better than its alternative. We can help ourselves lean toward joy.

"Just Relax" -- Seriously?

If you ever had someone tell you to relax in a stressful moment, most likely it wasn't very helpful, in fact it might have added irritation or frustration to the moment. In my 20's, training to be a massage therapist, we learned not to say to a client, "just relax.” If they could do it that easily, they probably wouldn't need a massage! Still, there were times I wanted to say it. There was a common phenomenon I would experience where a client would specify that they wanted deep work, yet when I would apply more pressure they would brace themselves by contracting their musculature. This, of course, was counterproductive for the client, and it just made my job harder because I would then have to use more force and effort. All it did was create more tension, more stress in their body and in mine. Often they didn’t know they were doing it at all. Thinking about this recently, I realized that this is a common experience in life.

We want to feel more at ease, less anxious, more comfortable. We want more peace, more joy, but what do we actually do? We guard ourselves, brace against what might come, contract our body to what is here or, more often, to what we imagine might arise. We create the opposite of what we want. Once we become aware of this tendency, we start see how much we do it on a regular basis. It's often in our interactions, or anticipated interactions -- when we ask for something, when someone asks something of us, when we open emails or texts, with bills that arrive in the mail, when we drive, shop, search for something. With this bracing, we end up expending more effort, create more physical and emotional tension, and get further away from what we actually want to experience. We all do this to varying degrees. It’s a very human, hard-wired need to want to protect ourselves, so we don't have to feel ashamed of it. What we can do is have more awareness when this habit energy is arising and we can practice letting it go.

When we see lightness and joy in certain people -- the Dalai Lama comes to mind -- it is so appealing because they aren't bracing against what's here. They are relaxed. So what do we need to do to “Just relax?” If we make it an invitation, not a demand of ourselves, we can choose to let go, to open to what is here without needing to fight or defend. We can be curious instead about whatever we find by trusting in ourselves to slow down and meet it with kindness. If we do this, what is there to brace against? “Just relax” might not be such a bad instruction to give ourselves (though I still wouldn't say it to someone else)! I might word it differently by saying, “Jean, it's ok to let go of contracting here, or Jean, it's ok, you don’t have to brace yourself right now.”

Once we have the awareness of tension in ourselves coming from anxiety, the unknown, feeling overwhelmed, or confusion, we can help our mind by letting go in the body. Letting the body influence the mind by choosing to relax the contraction, that sense of pulling in, tightening, narrowing. It can be very powerful and very direct. It can be harder to change what we are doing in our mind, than to change what we are doing in our body -- how we are holding ourselves.

My invitation this week is to use the direct experience of easing up in the body to ease the mind. You might notice when you've drifted into thought and, if it is a planning thought, an anxious thought, a worrying thought, an overwhelming thought, to sense your body and see where you can let go, where you can relax more. Choose physical ease and notice if that changes your thought or the feeling behind your thought. As many times as you need throughout the day, keep letting tension fall away.

🪷
Jean