Did I Really Sign Up For This?

Over recent weeks, I've had this pervading, unwelcomed sentiment. It goes like this...I can't believe this adult thing we have to do in life. No, I don't mean anything x-rated. I mean this unrelenting responsibility that suddenly hits us around a certain age and never goes away again until, maybe, we are very old and become someone else's responsibility. Before I started to feel this about my life, I was feeling it about my clients' lives. I'd think, "wow, this person never gets to be "off duty, never gets to let go until he/she is in here for an hour." I'm speaking of the endless tasks of an adult life. Waking up, preparing meals, getting kids off to school, working, cleaning, bills, scheduling, laundry, buying groceries, washing dishes, cooking more, cleaning more, getting exercise and doing all the other self-care activities, walking the dog, planning, and did I say cooking more and cleaning more (and if you are in business for yourself, well add that responsibility to it). It goes on and on and doesn't stop. Lately, I've had this feeling like, hey, wait a minute, this is not fair. Did I really sign up for this? Having kids makes it even more apparent...wow, they get all that taken care of! No wonder I feel shocked. (Thank goodness, of course. I wouldn't want it an other way).

That is the monologue that one part of me has. Another part hears this and puts it to shame. Who do you think you are!!! It wants to know. Notice the lack of a question mark and three exclamation points. No, this part will tear the other to shreds making her embarrassed for having the sentiment at all, let alone saying it out loud. This side says, "suck it up; it could be a lot worse, and who said it would be any different!" And then, the big daggers come out and say, "where's all that mindfulness you talk about, anyway, you know the part about enjoying washing the dishes and cutting vegetables."

Well, all that chatter was on high volume today until I was actually on my way to lead meditation. Yes, little, unmindful me leading meditation! On the car ride there it hit me. A new voice that simply said, "Jean, you're tired, that's all. This is not about your lack of mindfulness, or your not being in the present moment." This voice was kind and warm. I heard it and said, "yes, that's right, I am tired." It is not a physical tiredness, it is just a temporary life tired and we can all have that at times. Nothing is bad or wrong and my life is really nice just as it is, I'm just a little tired of taking care of everything and could use a little more being taken care of. Suddenly, the rest dropped away. All the thoughts and judgments slipped away like those ghost creatures, the Dementors in Harry Potter that appear and want to suck the life out of you and then something good arrives causing them to slide away. This kind voice had that effect of making the other thoughts disappear as quickly as they arrived.

What came radiating through in all of this today? Many great teachers talk about it, but from a teacherly distance so it feels like they still have it "together," but when you're in it as they have been, it doesn't feel like we've got it together. No, it feels messy. A mindful life is not about not having difficult feelings. A mindful life is not about being good or wise all the time. A mindful life does not mean you enjoy everything. A mindful life is just what the word means: attentive, aware, careful (of). I was aware of strong aversive feelings. I was aware of the judgments that followed and then I stayed with them to hear the compassionate truth under it all. With all of that, I can then offer to anyone else who wants a rest from adult responsibility my understanding and compassion. It is hard. Beautiful and hard. I wouldn't want it any other way. That is a mindful life. So, the next time you feel taken over by a feeling you wish you didn't have and then it gets dumped on with judgments for having it and then you come through to some other understanding and there is even a touch of relief, you, too can rest in knowing that this is what a mindful life looks like and you are just fine. Beautifully fine.