Holy Smokes

It’s another week of writer’s block. I wrote something, but a voice in me wasn’t happy enough with it, so it is sitting as a “draft” in my blog folder like one of those misfit toys that won’t get sent out. I read it to my kids this morning. They both said they liked it, but I said how it wasn’t quite right and how I wanted to come up with something else in the day. Well, evening came and I was sitting with my computer on the couch, still with a blank page when my six year old son came over to me and asked if I sent out that blog post I read to them in the morning. I told him how I was stuck and he said, “well, what did you write about last time?” I replied, “sadness,” to which he paused and then said, “well, I know what you should write about…goodness.” I said, “do you mean happiness?” To which he replied, “yes, happiness.” I told him it was a nice idea and thanked him. I thought to myself, can I really write about happiness on a day where I mostly felt an unrelenting crabbiness? To my surprise, a feeling of absolute delight came with the question and, for the first time all day, I felt happy. In one simple moment and the unexpected help of my child, I was freed from the rabbit hole that the unforeseen snow day brought on. Talk about a lesson in happiness! I needed help. I needed the simple joy of a child who, despite my moodiness, was happy and could call forth the answer with an obvious clarity. I started writing and reading aloud as I wrote, as I sometimes do, and he heard me. After a few minutes, he said aloud, “holy smokes, I’m still so happy that you put me in your blog.” Oh my gosh! Happiness beamed forth again in both of us.

The day had gotten off with a bang at 5:30 in morning with a recorded phone call announcing that school was canceled. Before I was quite conscious, I had a flood of internal questions and then pings started sounding on my phone as I lied there in the dark. What do I do with my clients, will the babysitter still come tonight, how was this going to work. Yes, none of that was pleasant in my semi-conscious state, but none of that was the problem either. The real problem was fear of not making money, a feeling of lack of purpose if I wasn’t working, and then the dread of the absence of any quiet or alone time in the day. That last one I have come to learn is essential to my happiness, unless I am prepared ahead of time, that there won’t be any. I wasn’t prepared today for any of the above. And so, a crabbiness descended that even the most stunning walk in a winter wonderland of the woods with my kids and a thrilled dog could not pop a hole in. No, what turned it around? A simple question…what did you write about last time? Sadness? Well, of course, you write about happiness. It felt like a zen koan when he said it and it still does. There was that “aha” moment and suddenly I was lying on my back as if I was bounced out of some nightmare onto a green, grassy field, stunned and relieved and a bit perplexed. But, such are the nature of koans.

What did I re-learn today? Crabbiness comes and goes. Happiness can arrive in a split second if I pay enough attention. It’s okay to let my kids know I am crabby and that it has nothing to do with them, so they can go on being happy. It’s okay that I need alone time, that I am not a parent or partner that can turn into water at the turn of a faucet and just go with the flow and that I need space. Most of all, that I can be where I am, aware of it, not necessarily liking it, but knowing that it is not all of me and that it can change in a split second by the grace of someone who shows that what I care about matters. The fact that it came from a boy only six years into the world is enough of a reason to smile. And yes, I can write about happiness on a crabby day.