What's on my mind this week is fear and how it gets in the way of generosity. When we are fearful we can't be generous. Fear causes contraction. We can't give away, or make room (for differing opinions/needs) when we are pulling in to protect. They simply don't go together.
Fear rears its face everywhere and yet so often we don't recognize our behavior as coming from fear. It's also hard to admit we are afraid so we call it all kinds of others things. It comes out deceptively as anger, aggression, defensiveness, denial, false positivity, busyness, sleepiness, among others. Fear pushes away, runs away, fights, immobilizes. It's reactive. We need a certain amount of it to stay safe, but so much of the time we could choose to let it go by slowing down and looking more deeply.
The pressing question is: how do we become less fearful? I wish there was a simple answer, but the only one that makes sense to me is to find some peace with the fact that I am mortal and am going to leave this all behind. It appears to me that death and the possibility of being separated is the fear behind all fears. So what greater way to find peace than to reconcile with this truth? I find the more I can make small strides in this area, the more free I am here. When I am free, I am more willing to give things away, make allowances for other people's needs, let go of my righteousness if it helps another to feel safe. All kinds of things. But, like forgiveness, this isn't a one time thing. I need to keep remembering that it's really okay that I am going to die.
How do we get okay with death? I wish I could answer that, too, but it's personal for everyone. What I can say is that it is worth our deep looking until we find some way of accepting this temporary experience we have been gifted and even be able to enjoy its temporariness. If you’re wondering what works for me, I'll share it knowing that it might not suit you and that's okay. What makes most sense to me I learned from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. His book No Death, No Fear explains it much more eloquently than I can, but this is how I translate it...
When I recognize that I am not just this body or this mind because everything I might consider "me" is made of things that are not me - my thoughts, me behaviors, my physical body is made up of everything else (water, minerals, plants, the sun, the rain, my parents, my ancestors, my society, my teachers, people I don't know, etc.). I often get caught in the illusion that I am an independent Jean, but I can't be. I know that I can't be separate from anything. What's great about this is that I can't be separated from my kids, my husband, my friends, the animals I love, the flowers, all the beauty and all love that exists. This alone helps me drop my fear of death. It also connects me to everything that is difficult in life, too. The mud. I’m not separate from that either. Can you see the relief in that! If I am the mud, I don't have to be afraid of the mud.
If I am not afraid of dying, then who or what is there to be afraid of in this life? When someone unfamiliar approaches me defensively or accusingly, or asks something of me, I do not have to be afraid. When I feel uncertain about how things will work out, I do not have to be afraid. Don't get me wrong, I don't have this down yet. But, this is the path I choose to be more free while I am here. It takes practice. The only way I can use this practically in the moment with someone is to slow down and talk myself through it. Another reason to meditate. If I’m all caught up in myself, it’s hard to see clearly. It’s hard not to react habitually. It may sound a bit funny, but if I slow down and remember death, I’ll handle things a whole lot better. And I’ll be more generous, too because I’m not caught.
This week’s invitation:
Reflect on how you make peace with your mortality. What way of viewing this life feels like an opening to something bigger, not a closing? If you don't have to be afraid of dying, how might life feel different? How might you behave differently in situations that at first seem threatening?
Wishing you all a beautiful week of being alive.
🙏🌼
Jean
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