Being Right

 

It's hard to believe that I am writing the last A Mindful Pause of this year. I am ready to get quiet. The leaves are now down, fallen into their own state of quiet, temporarily replaced by the lights so generously put up. I am thankful to all of you who put in that effort to brighten the end of the year. It is a time we can choose to pause, reflect, and be awed by all that has gone on in our lives in 365 days. I know that I feel ready for some closure and to begin anew.

Last week, in A Mindful Life, we were working with the practice of forgiveness. One wise member at the end of our discussion said, “it begs the question, what is it with humans and our need to be right?” This is a deliciously rich question. It feels especially relevant right now in a world where there are a lot of conversations and arguments on what is right and what is wrong. 

In response to the question, I asked, “and if we are told we are ‘right’ then what?” To be right implies that someone else is wrong. And herein lies a problem. Our assumed “rightness” is formed by our perceptions which have been created by our experiences, our history, our ancestral history, what we've been taught by many people who have been taught by many people all with their own complex histories, by our cultures, our religions, by advertisers. We are influenced beyond our knowing who is doing it. This is true of everybody. When we really grasp this, is it possible for concepts like right and wrong to hold much weight? How can I, in good conscience, say I am right and they are wrong? We are all going to perceive differently. The more relevant task at hand is to find ways to get along.

When I ask myself, honestly, what matters more to me? Being right or getting along? I know my answer. I grew up with people who insisted on being right and I would sit there as a child watching the impossibility of the situation play out. If I was on my deathbed and someone I had a long standing disagreement with said, “oh, Jean, I want you to know that you were right.” What would I feel? Probably a sense of validation. I suppose I would feel seen and understood and as though the world is as it should be now that I put that last puzzle piece in place. But, will I feel better in my relationship and rest in peace with the other person who now feels wrong? It seems that it would bring me just a little relief. More superficial than anything. What is validation other than being told we are good, we’re okay; the world is in order. What is our need to be right other than our need to feel steady in an unsteady world?

What if, instead, I could be okay in an unsteady world? What if I could let myself be uncomfortable in not knowing and let the puzzle be incomplete? What if I could let there be multiple viewpoints, keeping a reverence for life and the desire to not cause harm closest to my heart? The practice of meditation teaches us how to do this. We learn that we can stay with difficult feelings and not react. We learn that we can be still and wait until the sediment drops to the bottom so that we can have clarity. In stopping and resting our bodies and minds we remember what we can so easily get pulled away from, that life is short, that we let go of everything, that we are not separate, but intricately connected, that feelings and thoughts come and go, and that there is so much beauty and love to enjoy right here, right now. 

These conversations and arguments that are going on in all facets of organized people – our universities, government, towns, corporations, governing boards, religious institutions, news outlets, anywhere groups of humans have to work together and communicate, are stuck in a right/wrong way of thinking that will not arrive at greater peace or understanding. I watch it and am brought back to being that little girl at the dining room table feeling helpless at witnessing something that can’t end well. 

What if we, with our advanced human intelligence, were willing to choose to not be right or wrong, rather to be curious and to act motivated, first and foremost, from care and kindness? I am so dismayed by the current conversations, that I want to set my intention to practice this more and I invite you to join me if it speaks to you. Whenever I feel strongly about my view being the right one, I want to smile with some humility, step back, and ask, “what don’t I know here?” How can I allow myself to open to greater complexity around this subject? Can I let myself feel that shaky ground and let it be? Rather than take a binary stance on something, I can reflect on a more useful question like, “if I came from love, what would I think, say, or do here?” I have a feeling this will be a lot more productive than my wanting to be right about something. Let me know what you find if you try it on.

Thank you for being part of this community, for reflecting with me over these emails throughout the year. Wishing you all warm holidays and much peace as the year winds down. 

Jean

Getting Quiet In A Loud Season

 

After any big holiday, event, project, accomplishment, trip, or whenever there is significant tumult among living beings, what I need the most is to get quiet, to come home to myself and get centered again. It's not always easy to do because the impulse is to keep going, keep talking, doing, planning, thinking, analyzing. I have to be intentional about getting quiet. Given that we are in the midst of what I would call a "loud season," not bad, just loud, I thought I would make this A Mindful Pause about quiet.

Though I do love this time of the year, I know I can get caught up in the noise. I'm not talking about the perpetual leaf blowers, though I could add that in, rather the hype that comes with the year's end. Our mind and our senses get bombarded with advertising that awakens desire, consumption, expectation, pressure. We get inundated with holiday music. We receive daily requests to give money for year end appeals (for many good causes). Even if we don't get holiday invitations, we feel the hectic nature of things wrapping up (literally and figuratively). Kids come home from college; there's added busyness in preparation for any trips; there's decorating, shopping, and an emphasis on food. And all of that on top of working, home and family life, and sometimes sickness and death are in the mix (because it's on its own timeframe). The good news is, even with all of that, quiet within is possible.

During the weekend retreat I held this fall, we spent some time reflecting on quiet and specifically what quiet allows us. You might try it now and if you were on the retreat, you might refresh yourself, because we forget. You can start with the prompt: 

When there is quiet and when I am quiet, I... 

Let your answers to the prompt remind you what good comes from quiet. Quiet can bring other feelings, too. So, next, lean into the fear that lies behind not allowing quiet. Ask, "if I am in the quiet and allow myself to be quiet, what am I afraid might happen? Why do I need the distraction that keeps me from being quiet (checking my phone, turning on TV, podcast, radio, playing a game, making a call to fill the space, consuming, etc.). If I didn't do this and let there be more quiet, what might happen?" Some interesting insights come if you take the time to ask. You get to see what your are believing that might not actually be true, but could use some care and compassion and that opens the door to what might be possible.

To be quiet within is a powerful place to live from. In order to be comfortable there, we do need to practice. We don't have to be afraid of the quiet, of meeting ourselves, of feeling and just being.  And, whatever is whirling around us need not impede our inner peace. 

"Realize that silence comes from your heart and not the absence of talk ." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

You don't have to go to a cave in a mountain to find silence; it's found inside every time you let a thought go and come back to the present. It's found every time you pause before you reply. It's found every time you don't add onto a feeling, sensation with reactions to them. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Mindfulness is the practice that quiets the noise inside us." To be mindful takes a certain kind of intention and effort. Our habitual instincts are to react, but we can water the seeds that help us to stop, settle and digest so that we can then act (or not act) from a clear, more aware place.  What if we don't give our opinion to everything? What if we don't berate ourselves when we do? What if we didn't add to the noise, but bring calm, in our presence alone, which will speak volumes.

My invitation this week, and in these closing weeks of the year, is to be more intentional about going inside and getting quiet between the holidays, trips, gatherings, between taking in the news and sharing your opinion on it. Take a pause, get grounded, let go of contracting or pushing forward and let yourself get quiet. Commit to your meditation practice; take a solitary walk without headphones; eat a meal without doing something else at the same time; choose to listen rather than talk.

Let your whole body slow down and let your breath deepen. Find space between your thoughts by letting them go as they arise. You can always pick them up later, but you can take a break from the noise, inside and out. Most likely, you will emerge more connected, more present, more compassionate and loving.

Wishing you a peaceful week celebrating quiet.

We Are All Made Of This

 

As we move closer to Thanksgiving, a holiday I truly enjoy, rather than ask us to reflect on the individual gifts we are grateful for, I invite us instead to touch the feeling of gratefulness that comes when we connect to all of life around us, to remember our interconnected nature with everything. We are in a time when separation and division, feelings of belonging or not belonging, ideas of us vs. them are heightened and palpable. Connection and separation wax and wane in life -- in our personal lives, in our relationship with ourself, in our community, country, world. Sometimes we feel more connected and at other times, less. Those tend to be the more painful times. This Thanksgiving, placing the emphasis on the larger picture of our interconnectedness can help nurture us out of our more self centered ideas of what we personally have to be grateful for and into our collective gratitude that recognizes that we are part of a whole, all connected, and appreciative of this larger web of life which we could not exist apart from.

Why does that matter? Because we can forget. We, by no fault of our own, can get wrapped up in our tasks, in our needs and wants, in our pleasure, pain, fear and confusion, and forget to see that there is much more to what is going on. What feels so personal is not. Everything comes to be because of causes and conditions, many of which we can't see and we don't know. Many of which were set in action way before we came around. When we step back a bit, we realize that we are part of it all -- what happens that is favorable, what happens that is not so favorable, and everything in between. When we can do that, we end up feeling much more connected and full of gratefulness because we don't see things as "my fortune" or "not my fortune," we see things as related and that our gifts (and struggles) are everyone's. 

When we are aware of our connection, we know that what we do (our thoughts, words, actions) matters. Then, we make choices that benefit the world, not just us. We won't do this 100% of the time. I can speak for myself and say, I am far from that. But when we start to feel separate; when we get caught up in worry, wants, fears, mired in binaries of right/wrong, good/bad, enough/not enough, we can return. It's a relief to step back and remember, very simply, I am made of water, minerals, the sun, the air, of all people past and present. All of us are made of these things. We can pause and get our perspective back. We can be thankful to this life that was made possible by so many other lives; that is made possible by this earth, sun, air, and water. To support you in this practice, I welcome you to listen to my meditation on Remembering Our Connection. You can find it on the Insight Timer or here on my website (scroll down to the title). Remembering our connection naturally brings gratefulness.

May your days leading up to Thanksgiving be full of the insight of interconnection and the love, compassion and openness it brings.

Jean

Effort & Touch

 

In my last A Mindful Pause, the reflection was on how we tend to fill the spaces and silences of our daily lives and how it effects us. Building on this way of bringing mindfulness into our everyday actions, this week's Pause adds an embodied element...how do we move through our days. I won't be giving you physical exercises, but inviting you to have greater awareness of how you use your body and the recognition that you can choose to move in a way that feels nicer. I am finding this one so rewarding. It's tactile, specific, practical, and it changes how I feel when I do it. I hope it has that effect on you if you are willing to try it!

Mindfulness practice is not just mindful of our thoughts and words, but also mindful of our body, of being here, moving in this physical form. Often, we focus on working with our mind to be able to relax, bring more calm, ease, but we can also go the other way. We can adjust our physical body to help our mind and emotions. To truly live mindfully, we need to do both -– to integrate awareness of our body and mind. One without the other is not complete.

How do we become mindful of our physical actions? Just as not filling all of our spaces and silences, it takes intention and deliberate action. There are two areas I identified that we can bring our attention to in order to help.
 

Mindful of Effort

We can notice our physical effort when we do something and how much more we often use than is necessary to do any task. There are times and places where using effort and force are good and necessary, but often, it's as though we have only one gear. We can become more aware of how much effort we use to do simple things like sitting, opening a door, holding a steering wheel, picking up a mug, washing your body, closing a cabinet. How much do we contract our muscles throughout our body? In our hands, face, shoulders, abdomen? Checking in with ourselves like this and letting go of what isn't necessary is something we can do throughout the day. We can enjoy, moment by moment, experiencing greater effortlessness. We can ease up on our energy output.
 

Mindful of Touch

Mindful of touch, we can choose to be softer, more gentle, have a lighter touch, which also allows more ease in our body and mind. This one has been so powerful for me. To have a lighter touch takes being more deliberate in caring for things -- all living things and objects. When we live with greater awareness, we naturally gain a greater reverence for all of life. We see all that goes into something existing and we can touch everything with appreciation and care. It is more obvious in the life of people, animals, plants, and insects. But in all our objects, things we handle throughout the day, we can hold them, touch them, move them with care, too. So many people, resources, and elements went into making it. Most things won't even disintegrate and will be here long after we are gone. This understanding can help us want to make things last, to take care of what is in our possession. We live with such a disposable, replaceable mindset that we stop treating things with care. But we can do this differently and it feels so much better.

We know that being careless often happens when we are rushing, not present, overextended, angry, scared, tired, which is why our meditation practice is so valuable. We stop and refocus on what matters. We recognize when we are going too fast, doing too much, not taking care of ourselves. When we bring more care in our touch and movement, when we use appropriate effort, we treat our body and mind better, and other people and things better. Life is nicer this way.

How do we practice this? It might seem overwhelming, but it's quite simple as long as we remove self-judgment and the need to get it right. It is a moment by moment practice. I can handle something roughly, realize I am, and then change my touch, my force. I don't have to wait until tomorrow to start again.

Think about how you go through your day; imagine yourself as you get ready, as you move through your home, as you work at a computer, cook, drive, clean, do errands. Where do you know you tend to be heavy handed, use more force, grip something too hard, feel tight/contracted? Where are the obvious moments? And then try on what it would be like if you lightened up, got softer, more caring in your touch. How might your experience of living be different? Give it a try throughout the day. Begin again as many times as you need. Enjoy the gentle, tenderness of touching, moving, being, bringing care to this life that's here.

🍁
Jean

The Spaces & Silences

 

Before I share this week's Mindful Pause, I first want to acknowledge the fear, pain, and suffering of the people of Israel, their loved ones here and around the world, and the many innocent civilians caught in the crossfire over the past 10 days. My heart is saddened by the terrorism and suffering we are witnessing from afar and the fear and trauma it stirs up for people everywhere. 

While I often feel helpless in these times, what I take refuge in and what we, as a mindful community, can all take refuge in is our contribution to peace. We do this by our daily commitment to becoming more aware of ourselves and being mindful of how we effect others, by strengthening our capacity for staying present and grounded, by touching compassion, seeing our common humanity, allowing for complexity in order to not become rigid in our perceptions, by learning how to communicate with the intent to understand and connect, by returning again and again to loving and kind intention. It is not easy work and yet this is what generates peace, stability, harmony around the world. One person at a time willing to do the hard work of looking deeply. Thank you for being in this community doing that. Though it may not seem like a contribution in times like these and, yes, there may be more we can do to take action, our becoming more awake is no small part to play. It has a ripple effect that is significant. I spoke to this in Sunday's talk if you want to hear more.

The theme we have been working with, both on the recent retreat and in my groups back here at home, has everything to do with being self-aware. I welcome you to join us in investigating just how much we tend to fill the spaces and silences of our daily lives and how it effects us. It speaks to our discomfort in being alone with ourselves; it speaks to the anxious energy so prevalent that begs for distraction. It speaks to the disconnection between our wish to be happy and free and what we actually do to keep us from it. It comes out in behaviors like compulsively checking our phones and screens for emails, texts, news, social media, entertainment. It comes out in habitually turning on the radio, TV, or playing a podcast without clear intention to listen or watch, or not knowing if it even nourishes us. It comes out in ways we consume -- food, shopping, gossip, recreational drugs and alcohol. It comes out in excessively exercising, dieting, cleaning. You name it. If we do it just to fill the space and the silence without clear intention, then we are making ourselves busy out of fear. Fear of disconnection, loneliness, fear of not being, having, doing enough, fear of wasting time (ironically), fear of feeling what we are feeling.

This is not a judgment or a criticism. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with us. But, when we notice what we do, we see that we get to make a choice to not fill all of the spaces and silences, rather we can take a break from so much input, so much busy-ness, and give our nervous systems a rest, feel calmer and more grounded because we can. We get to create new habits because we realize that happiness does not lie in filling every second, but being present to this one second right now.  

My invitation this week is to notice when you fill those silences and spaces in your everyday life. It may be when you eat, when you turn on a device, listen to the news multiple times a day, when you multi-task, when you drive, when you are waiting for someone, when you start to clean though it was not in your plan for the day. When you can, try on not doing the habitual thing and see what happens. What do you do when you stop or when you only do one thing? What does it feel like to remove so much filler.

I say it often, "there is a lot more time and space available to us, we just need to give it to ourselves." And why does this matter? When we stop bombarding our nervous systems and give ourselves breathing room, we meet ourselves, others, life differently. We bring more calm, grounding, presence and peace to a world that very much needs it. 

What can we do to help us in those moments of spaciousness and quiet? Breathe. Just feel yourself breathing.

🍁
Jean

Solid and Free

 

Happy October to all of you.

Myself, along with 21 members of A Mindful Life, just returned from a weekend retreat that I gave at The Dharmakaya Center For Wellbeing in upstate New York. It was my first time leading a full weekend retreat and for many it was their first experience on a retreat. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I feel so full from the community and the time in quiet, at a beautiful place, where we all put living mindfully into practice. There is so much I could say about it, but having just returned, I need to let the experience digest. Maybe I can share more in the next A Mindful Pause! I am looking forward to facilitating more at the center. See some pictures below.

In the meantime, I spoke so much at the retreat that my offering today won't be in the form of words, rather it is a freshly recorded meditation. This one is 18 minutes and can be found on my website. It is the first recording at the top of the guided meditations list or you can listen to it on Soundcloud. I have submitted it to the Insight Timer, where it will likely be up and running in a few days.

This meditation is inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh's meditations, whose teachings and phrases feel like part of me now. It is intended to help you slow down, find ease, and feel centered and grounded. Enjoy.

🌻
Jean

We Have The Wisdom We Need

I love how the change of seasons aligns with what I feel inside. It does seem that with the start of each season, I am ready for the shift that's coming. Starting my groups over the past week, after a handful of weeks off, I am relieved to have a schedule again. At the start of summer, I am ready for a loosening of my routine, but now it feels so good to get back in a groove. I hope your first weeks of September have brought you some welcomed change, also.

I've had an interesting revelation over something that's been gnawing at me over the past year. It was coming across as a kind of existential crisis. The word "crisis" feels a bit dramatic and not quite right as I was not stuck or limited in my functioning around things, but it hasn't felt easy either. In preparation for my upcoming retreat (for those of you who don't know, I am holding my first A Mindful Life retreat this fall at the Dharmakaya Center in upstate New York. It is already full, but I hope to do more in the future), I used the tools I facilitate with to listen to myself. This means to really inquire by putting judgment aside (not so easy) and ask questions as if someone else is asking me so that I can think and feel my way through and articulate what I find. It takes effort and time. It is easy to put off. It takes staying power and trust that I can find my own way if I keep staying curious and ask the next opening question.

I arrived at something that I knew was true and new because it left with me with that feeling of awe that comes when we discover something we have been searching for. It's not resolved by any means, but I have a greater understanding of why these existential questions were plaguing me and what I'm needing. I don't know how to fill the need, yet, but I am letting that much digest.

I share this with you because it, once again, reminded me of the power of intentional self inquiry that is not thwarted by our critic, rather is encouraged by our inner knowing. We ask ourselves questions, giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt that there is something true to uncover; we just need to ask the "right" questions that will reveal it. It may not happen all in one sitting, but we can start and then know when to put it down until we can pick it up again. Sometimes with the help of another trusted being who can ask the next helpful question or hold the necessary space.

My invitation this week is when you notice yourself up against something inside, to take time to sit with yourself and ask open, un-judgmental, affirming questions (by that I mean inquiries that trust in your intelligence and inner wisdom) and see what you find. Be curious about yourself. So much more can come from here than from numbing out, knocking oneself down, ignoring, or waiting for someone else to show you. You've probably heard the adage that we have all the wisdom we need inside ourselves. This process, I believe, shows us what this means.

🌻
Jean

P.S.  I wrote a piece on asking opening questions in a past newsletter. To  get some more ideas on how, you can read it here.  If you have a hard time making the space to stop and be in a contemplative space, I have a Beginning Mindfulness Meditation Series starting in October and that could be a good place to start.

Ease Comes From Within

 

There's something about going to the beach at the end of a day when everyone else is leaving that feels spacious and peaceful to me. Watching tired families pack up after a full day of sand and water; the life guards wrapping up their duties; the seagulls look for scraps of food left behind; the shifts of color in the sky. Mike and I will spread out our towels and close our eyes taking in the sounds of waves, fading voices, seagulls, the banner towing planes making their last rounds along the coast. The close of things gives us time to rest and digest so that we can begin again. 

On this close of Labor Day weekend, as we feel life pick up its pace and we enter a new time, we can digest the summer and remember, too, that the beach is still there through fall, winter, and spring. The choice to set aside time to rest and digest and to relax is ours to make. Moments in a day and in week where we put down our labor (whatever that work or effort may be) and stop are essential to our well-being and the well-being of those around us.

My invitation today is to stop and ask yourself what kind of pauses you will give yourself through the coming season. What will that look like in your week? Close your eyes and see what would feel good and practical. Remember that many things we routinely do are nourishing, but only when we slow down and are present enough to take them in. We can be intentional about our moments of resting and digesting. We don't need to go on a full vacation to give ourselves a break. If we change the dynamic within ourselves to give ourselves small, even micro-moments, of letting go of effort, life feels very different overall. We have less physical tension. We are less contracted in our body and mind. We see more, enjoy more, and live more.

What are small or micro-moments of rest? It could be as simple as enjoying your morning coffee in quiet (not reading the news as you do it). Taking a slow walk at some point in the day (even 10 minutes is enough). Walking just to walk, not to get somewhere or to exercise. Savoring your shower. Playing with your dog. And, of course, meditating and following your breath. Watching it naturally get deeper as you let go of of effort and busyness. Even just two minutes of mindful breathing can be a reset. You likely have many more moments you can name. When we let ourselves be in these moments, we get to observe things like the landscape shifting and be awed by the colors and the beauty of change. There will only be one fall at this particular age, with these particular people, with these particular conditions. When we are present we don't miss our lives.

Though what is traditionally considered a season of more ease is closing, we can take refuge in the understanding that true ease comes from within and is always available. We only need to water those seeds and be intentional about our self-care.

🌻
Jean

A Mindset For September

 

While we have another month left of summer, with the school year almost here or already begun in some states, its inevitable winding down is upon us. It is one of the bigger seasonal transitions because, for so many, new schedules start, there are details to organize, logistics to figure out, and feelings percolating around the coming busyness.

While I love the fall, I can feel the pull, like gravity, toward too much to do. I often feel like I have to gear up as if I am about to be launched. Launched where? I don't know. It's why for many years I offered a workshop on returning from summer so that we can get our hearts and minds in a good space to enter September. So much of it is just a mindset. A very large portion of our well-being depends on our mindset.

My invitation this week is to look at how we approach something coming up, whether it is a busy period in the calendar year, a looming project, or the start of something new and see how, rather than get overwhelmed or anxious, we can approach it differently. How can we, instead, have it feel enlivening or exciting? What could shift us from fear or dread to energy and possibility? From anxiety around uncertainty to curiosity and the playful challenge of discovering our strategy? And, how can we change the mindset from "getting through" to "I am about to enter a process I want to meet well?" After all, do we really want to "get through" our moments here or do we want to enjoy living the process?

To enter a process rather than get through. That's it. When I think of it that way, everything changes. I feel lighter and excited. My body gears up, not for battle, but for what it needs to face. I still feel a buzzing in my body, but that's a good thing. I know the schedule is about to change so I am getting ready. I do want to meet it all with openness and playfulness. The summer doesn't have to be the only time we play. And, I love fall and don't want to miss all the colors of it.

What are you gearing up for? How can you feel that anticipation and welcome it? Here's a simple practice that might help. You can do this in writing or just say it out loud.

1) Start by naming all the major pieces of your fall -- what's on your plate? When you are done, you might pause, take a breath, and say, "wow, that is a lot."

2) Now, name the goodness behind all of what's on your plate. What benefits might you take away and/or what goodness might surround what you have to do (support, resources, connections, people, places, etc.) What meaning or purpose will they bring in the long run, even if doing them is hard or arduous?

3) How does it all feel now that you remembered the why and the choice to show up? Does your mindset feel different?

My list for the fall makes me realize why there's some anxious energy brewing. But, once I named all of the elements and then looked at the benefits coming from them, why I am doing them, or what makes them possible, my anxious energy feels more like excitement and I see possibility and awe at what will be coming to fruition. The busyness is there, but it is not a problem, rather, it is a great part of the process that I want to be in. I hope you, too, can look at your fall and touch the positive energy behind what's coming. If you get stuck, reach out and let me know.

🌻
Jean

To Be Present Is Not Enough

 

I know it looks like a stock photo. I took this one morning from the place we had the good fortune of staying at in Maine. Each day I was in awe that we were there. Not in Maine itself, but that finally we were staying on a fresh pond, where I could roll out of bed and sit with my coffee on the dock, meditate, read, talk about a whole lot of nothing with my family, and swim whenever I wanted. I didn't have to pack everyone up and get the house moving. This was my 11th summer visit to the island and, for the first time, I didn't feel the need to go on the great hikes through Acadia and see all the edges of the stunning land and sea. There are those vacations where you come back full, but exhausted and there are the ones you come back rested and nourished. This was the latter and I am grateful for everything and everyone that made it possible. If you are reading this email, you are a part of my gratitude.

Besides giving me a break, trips like this inspire me and on this trip it was literally inspiration itself that came clear. My teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, talked about coming back to the breath again, and again, and again. The phrase "I know I am breathing in; I know I am breathing out" is permanently etched in my mind. He didn't say come back to awareness, he said come back to your breath. This may sound esoteric, but on this trip, it was clear to me that though I was somewhere quiet, serene, and peaceful, and though I didn't have any significant worries or concerns weighing on me, to just sit there taking it in didn't shift my nervous system away from fight/flight/freeze toward rest and digest. To fully take in the setting and the people, it took more than being present in my mind. That was not enough. I had to be present in my body also.

I know there are different forms of meditation and different ways one can practice, but, for me, it is clear that positive inner shifts come when the awareness is both physical and mental/emotional. Just having one doesn't do it. One can effect the other, but I need both. As I sat there on the dock, delighted by where I was, at first I thought, "I don't need to meditate here; I can just enjoy it." Then I realized that without spending some time conscious of my in-breath and out-breath, watching it slow down and gradually deepen just by being aware of it, being there in that beautiful place wouldn't change how I felt overall. My nervous system wouldn't shift.

It left me inspired to share with you that if you go on vacation, or simply do something nice for yourself for an hour, to increase its benefit, be aware of your breathing. It's nothing dramatic. It's subtle, in the background. Other people can't see it or hear it, but you feel it. It's not about controlling the breath, but feeling the breath's movement as you take in whatever it is you are doing. Aware of the subtle rise and fall of my breathing, I listened to the birds, watched the fog drift across the pond, observed the gradual shift of the pond from stillness to flow and felt myself shift, too.

It's not the place, or even how present I am, but feeling myself breathe as I take it in that makes it calming, nourishing, replenishing. To be present in our breathing body is where the gift of meditation lies. The change toward inner spaciousness, acceptance, and ease, can't happen only with the awareness of our thoughts, feelings and sensations, but in the act of breathing with them. If I stop and get quiet, but am only thinking, (even if I am enjoying my thoughts), that's not meditation. If I go somewhere peaceful, spacious, or beautiful, but I am not connected to my body while in that place, it is an intellectual experience, not a felt one, like looking at a postcard of a place rather than being in the place. It can't penetrate my way of being.

Developing greater awareness of our breath throughout our daily activities is the practice and my emphasis for this week's pause. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you can practice. Just tune in. Set the intention to keep coming back to feeling the rise and fall of your inhale and exhale. Whether you are going on a vacation, working, walking the dog, meeting a friend, or taking a day at the beach, may your awareness of breathing in and breathing out slow you down and bring you into the kind of presence that changes your inner experience. 

🌼
Jean

Feeling The Love!

 

In the workshop I teach on strengthening our ability to be kind toward ourselves, one of the tools I use may not, at first, seem obvious. It's the act of turning our attention toward what is good and well in our lives. When we direct our attention this way, it rewards us by giving us a chance to savor and be nourished. Who doesn't want to take in more of a good thing! Rather than roll on through to the next moment and miss out, we can receive and let ourselves feel satisfied, happy, and full. This is a choice. When we are aware, we can make these kinds of choices which, ultimately, effect our well-being. 

Today's pause is a practice I shared in last week's A Mindful Life groups and is one that we can do again and again. Remember that it only works if you do it. To read about it is not enough, so give it a full-hearted try. You are worth taking the time for.

You can do this in writing or as a meditation. You can do it at the end of a day or the end of a week. For today's practice, think through the past few days and name all the ways, big and small, that you felt loved (or valued, or appreciated). Keep going with the refrain, "I felt loved when..." With each one, take a breath and feel it again in your whole being or, maybe feel it for the first time if you didn't allow yourself to in the moment it happened (this happens more often then we might realize). Keep the refrain going longer than you think you need to. In waiting, more might come to mind, especially the simple things we tend to overlook. At the end, note how it feels to recognize the love that came our way.

While this practice is self-rewarding, it has the potential to spread goodness because we realize that the acts of love we receive are also ones we can give. We understand that the nice things we do matter to people. They may seem small or insignificant, but they make a difference. Just like we appreciate being the recipients of love, we can make choices to help others feel loved, too. The next step is to ask if there are ways you would like to express love in the coming day(s). It's not that you don't already, but sometimes we can think someone already knows we appreciate them and so we don't say it. Or, we think it wouldn't matter much to the person, but as we see for ourselves, it does. We can be generous in our love. Why hold it back? 

Be kind to yourself. You are the best one for the job. Be on your team.

Wishing you a week of loving abundance.

🌼
Jean

A Simple Way To Practice

 

One of the many aspects of summer that I appreciate is being able to meditate outside. There is a simple way to practice outdoors that I find makes the ability to stay in the present moment easier and allows my mind to concentrate more effortlessly. Give this a try and see how it feels.

The practice is all about present moment awareness. Moment by moment being right where you are with the breath in the background and also serving as the home base that you return to. It helps you to stay aware and practice being present. You can't be "wrong" about it or "bad" at it. It's just simple awareness of being alive right now. And what this does is train us in being present without judgment, evaluation, attachment, or avoidance. We just notice what is arising.

• Start by letting your weight settle into your seat and feel the ground underneath you. Let go of effort in your body that you don't need and find your way to stillness. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable enough.
• Begin to sense your breath coming in and going out and follow along, experiencing one breath at a time. With each set of inhaling/exhaling, you can say "breathing." This is what you will keep coming back to. See if you can maintain this awareness in the background as you notice whatever else arises.
• As your mind/body notices sensations and thoughts, name them, coming back to "breathing" between them: sounds (birds, plane, truck backing up, soccer ball, children playing), sensations (breeze, warm sun, sweat, this chair, heavy arms, rumbling stomach), thoughts (planning, that conversation, that task, fantasy), feelings (worry, self-doubt, restlessness, relaxed, peace).
• Between naming, continually return to your breath saying, "breathing" until you notice something else present. 

It might sound something like this (read slowly with pauses between each): breathing, breathing, birds, car going by, breathing, plane, breathing, breeze, train, breathing, planning, breathing, baseball, that trip, breathing, Mike, breathing, dinner, etc.

Just 5 minutes of this can help us reconnect our body and mind, bring us into the present and ground us. Reach out with any questions/reflections. Enjoy your breath and your practice. 

🌼
Jean

P.S. If you want to practice together this way, join us for an outdoor practice and walk on 8/12 with A Morning Pause. And Last call for my Strengthening Self-Kindness Workshop this Saturday (3 spaces left).

Replenish, Refresh, Renew

 

Summer officially started last week. In my town, for those kids who showed up, today was "technically" the last day of school. Thank goodness! I always loved the end of a school year and the sense of freedom that came with it. Though, as an adult, it's not quite the same because adult responsibilities still go on, I enjoy how the town gets quiet, the long days of light bring a feeling of greater spaciousness and slower time, and the invitation to play, whether I take it or not, sits on my table ready to be opened. 

The academic calendar is forever engrained in me and so these months are the time when I welcome a shift in my schedule, in my drive, in my sense of duty. We all need a season to be replenished, refreshed, and renewed.

Whether summer is your favorite or least favorite season, my invitation this week is to ask yourself what needs to be replenished, refreshed, renewed during these months? Like a gentle mist of cool water on your face on a hot day. Ask the question, close your eyes, and wait to hear what comes? See if what arises at first captures it. If it does, what does it feel like to acknowledge it? If it doesn't, listen some more, and see what feels true. Then ask, "what would bring me the feeling of being replenished, refreshed, and renewed?" Here are some questions and examples to help inspire the answer...

• Is there a certain activity that brings the feeling? (Swimming in a fresh water pond, reading novels, sitting outside at night watching fireflies).
• Is it giving yourself permission to change a routine? If so, what is it? (Sleeping in, staying up late, loosening up on family "rules" that, though helpful during the school year, cause more friction than they are worth in the summer).
• Is it letting go of something you do? (Not listening to/reading the news, not working in those afterwork hours, not mowing the lawn and hiring someone instead, not doing everyone's laundry because they are around and can help, not planning every meal, but dividing up the task). 
• Does it involve play, rest, creativity, movement? (Going to concerts, taking tennis lessons, signing up for a jewelry and metalsmithing class, and I can't leave out... meditating with a group).

I welcome you to write to me and share what you found. There is something about saying it to someone that makes the follow through more likely.  Remember that when you replenish yourself, you benefit everyone. Being burnt out, depleted, run down, or stuck in a rut doesn't help us to connect, create, share, inspire, or add joy to life. We don't have to change everything, just some simple shifts can bring renewal. Most importantly, when you are doing them, really take in what it feels like. Let yourself be replenished.

🌼
Jean

Body Appreciation Meditation

 

This week's pause comes in the form of a meditation. Being here in this vulnerable form of a human body, we are subject to constant physical change. From before we even come into the world we are growing and changing and it never stops. Even after we take our last breath, our physical form changes. I wish I could say this was an easy process to flow with, but for most it involves some struggle. Our body changes shape, loses muscle, gains muscle, grows things in places we don't want, sheds things we want to keep, gets sick. Sometimes there is physical pain and sometimes it causes emotional pain. Unfortunately, when we are suffering around our body, we tend to feel separate from our body, as if it is failing us, or feel as if our body should be different than it is. But, this amazing body is what allows us to experience this life. It was made for us and, when we criticize it, we cause more suffering. 

Feeling my own ups and downs as my body naturally changes with age, I realized that a specific meditation geared for anyone wanting to shift away from berating one's physical self to strengthening the ability to honor, care for, and appreciate this body, would be worth making and sharing. When we shift our perception to one that is loving and grateful toward ourselves, life feels very different. I hope this meditation is helpful. Whenever you find yourself in a struggle with your body -- fighting with how you look, how you move, how you are aging, and whenever you are facing ill health and need healing, I hope this practice is useful in switching the song in your mind from one that is critical or fearful to one that is caring, tender, and loving. We all need to be reminded.

To listen to the meditation click here.

🌼
Jean

P.S. If this speaks to you and you haven't taken the Strengthening Self-Kindness workshop with me, please sign up for the one on July 15th! 6 spaces left.

The Body Brings Us Here

 

I hope you are enjoying a long, holiday weekend. Today's email comes early in the day so that you can take this Mindful Pause into the day with you. It's a simple practice to help you to be present in your beautiful body, allowing yourself to be filled in simple ways.

As many of you hear me say often in my guided meditations -- "we are here in this body and, in this form, we get to experience all kinds of sensations. When we are sensing ourselves, we are here in the present moment." It is very hard to fully sense what is happening now and be somewhere else in our mind. Try feeling the touch of your shirt on your torso and arms, the way the fabric feels, its weight or lightness, anything about it, and at the same time, think about what you are going to make for dinner. It's not so easy! Impossible, maybe?

Today's practice is to help us set the intention to savor our experiences in the day before us. Take a pause to ask yourself, "what, today, do I want to savor with each of my senses?" Take one at a time and see what sight, sound, taste, smell, touch you can name, now, that you would like to fully enjoy in the moment of experiencing it?  You might close your eyes and ask the question for each sense. Bring yourself there and allow yourself to appreciate what you get to experience in life. Yes, this exercise has us lean into a future moment, but with the intention of helping us not miss out when it happens. An added bonus is that in the process of thinking it through, we can already enjoy it. We can set ourselves up so that we don't just roll on through to the next thing, but are filled by our daily experiences. It is an act of self-kindness.

Here's an example. Today, I want to savor the smell of cinnamon before I put it on my oatmeal and the smell of the blue tansy face oil when I put it on my skin before bed. I want to take in the sight of the peonies my friend cut from her garden in all their lushness. I want to listen fully to the sounds of the country as we take a walk on the trail. With the arrival of a much anticipated new couch, I want to savor the feeling of my body relaxing into it.

🌼
Jean

The Toll of Rushing

We all know what it feels like to rush. I'm not sure anyone would say that it feels good! Yet, how many of us find ourselves in a state of rushing to get somewhere, to do something, to get through something, even things we like to do like eating or showering? Many of us find ourselves here more often than we want to and more often than is healthy for us. If you are nodding in agreement with this one, you are not alone and it needs no judgement or shaming. Above all, it needs self-love and then the deep conviction to want to help oneself stop. 

We rush our physical bodies through space getting from here to there. We rush through our lives to get to the next moment, the next goal, the next enjoyable thing. We rush other people (our kids, older people, animals, other people in their cars (think of honking horns when someone doesn't turn fast enough or getting mad when someone wants to turn left and we have to wait). We even rush our breath. A great question to ask is, "what are we ultimately trying to get to?" Seriously, do we really want to rush this moment of living to get to the end? Probably not. So, how do we put an end to rushing? 

1) We need to be honest and recognize how bad it actually feels. Take a pause and ask yourself, "what does it feel like in my body and mind when I am in a state of rushing -- when I feel late and start hurrying my actions, my words, my thoughts, other people?" Close your eyes and feel the sensations in that state. Describe them to yourself. What happens to your breathing, your musculature, your posture, your vision

For me, it is very clear. My breathing gets shallow and fast. My body tightens especially around my chest. My vision gets narrow. My posture can do one of two things -- my lower back will either arch in hyper extension (literally pushing my chest forward into the world) or my upper body will round with my abdominals and chest coming toward each other in a deep contraction. My mind feels singularly focused in a very closed stance. All to say, it feels bad and very far from the relaxed, spacious, open, easy, balanced, calm state I'd prefer to live in.

2) Once we admit what it feels like, we see clearly that when we rush, our nervous system gets taxed; we exhaust our adrenals and cause ourselves suffering. We change this when we are done beating ourselves up and we are done causing stress to those around us. When we rush, accidents happen, the wrong words come out, we stop listening and seeing, feelings get hurt, the body suffers. The more we grow in having a reverence for life, the more we want to take care of the lives that are here, including our own. We will want to change.

3) Meditation and living with more presence facilitates this change because we practice thinking, feeling, sensing and not reacting. Not everything goes at the speed or on the timetable we want it to. In fact, most things don't and we can strengthen our acceptance, adaptability, and patience. We can find the grace in being able to slow down, be present, let go, and enjoy the moment we have.

I used to be really good at rushing. These days, I don't like how it feels so much so that I have gotten better about it. It's a work in progress. I have found that it takes time to switch gears (literally), but why wouldn't I want that for myself and those around me when I understand what's at stake? The adrenaline rush of getting a lot done in a hurry isn't worth it anymore. Life goes fast enough.

May you find relief and joy in the practice of going slowly through your week.

🌼
Jean

What Is Nourishing You?

In a recent session of A Mindful Life we explored what it means to be nourished. I asked what makes something nourishing; what do you feel when you are nourished? The answers across all the groups included words like: full, satisfied, inspired, replenished, taken care of, having a need/longing met, feelings of calm, presence, relief, joy, connection, among many other life affirming terms. I then asked what was on their plate in the week ahead that was nourishing, keeping in mind all the things that we do for ourselves that are, in fact, nourishing. Because we do them regularly, we can easily stop taking in that many tasks we do are nourishing (eating, exercising, driving our kids to practice, bathing, cleaning). The interesting thing is that when we really look at what makes something nourishing, we start to see that so much of it is the way we perceive it -- the intention we bring to what we do and savoring it as we do it and after it's done. Having this time now, writing to you as I sit in the Gravity Vault as my daughter climbs, is nourishing. It gives me space and time to think about what I want to share and why. This is nourishing because I value connection, having purpose, and wanting to be of service.

Why is it important to reflect in this way? Because when we don't take in all the ways we nourish ourselves, we think we are empty, deprived. We feel we are missing something when, in fact, we just haven't taken in what we have that replenishes us, brings sustenance, energy, rest. We have to allow ourselves to be filled. It is a mindset we have control over.

My invitation this week is:

1) Ask yourself the question, what makes something nourishing? How do you know it is nourishing? What do you feel when you are nourished?

2) Based on that information, look ahead into this week. From now until Sunday, what will you be doing that is nourishing, (bearing in mind all the things you do that allow you to be replenished, to thrive, anything that helps you to feel at ease, connected, satisfied and full)?

3)  How does it feel to look at your week this way? Is anything different about it?

This is something we can do at the end of every day. When you get in bed at night, you can ask, "what today nourished me or what tomorrow will nourish me?" Change your mind to change your experience. It is a powerful and kind thing.

🌷
Jean

I Love Cupcakes?

When I first learned the teachings on Right Speech (or what you could call mindful speech), one of the many lines that stood out in the classical definition, as translated by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, was this line,

“Not  exaggerating or embellishing. We don't dramatize unnecessarily, making things sound better, worse, or more extreme than they actually are. If someone is a little irritated, we don't say that he is furious.”

Not exaggerating. We all know people who are especially prone to exaggeration, but it is likely we do it ourselves to some degree. I know I do. It can add dramatic effect or emphasize a point. It can be funny. It can get attention or get people to react. It can also add unnecessary drama and water the seeds of anxiety and fear if we are not mindful. It's easy to do, too! We may not think of it this way, but being aware of when we exaggerate and working to modify it is an act of kindness, to ourselves and to those around us. We can become attuned to the words we use and be more mindful so that we create less pain and suffering. 

Certain words are good indicators that we might want to check in and see if we are making something bigger than it is. Words like always, never, hate/love, toxic, are some examples. "He always... They never... I hate…. I love (an object)... I had a "bad" day/year… She’s toxic… It’s a sh!# show." They may seem benign on the surface, but our speech matters. Are we saying what we mean? Are we being genuine? Are we adding on more than what is there? Is it really true? Are we expressing something that is coming from a very narrow perspective in a hot moment born from frustration, anger, fear? Are we caught up in the excitement of relating to another person/group over something we are passionate about and getting carried away in our unified perception of it? 

My family will often hear me say, “I love cupcakes.” Is it true? Well, I really DO like them… a lot. Is love involved? Not so much. Does it really matter? Part of me says, “not really” because I think it is a given that people know this. The only downside is that when the word “love” is often used in this way, it waters down its meaning. If I say I “hate” something do I really mean that I feel hatred? It’s a strong word. I can’t actually call up something I hate. I have likes and dislikes for sure. Is someone really “toxic” or do they behave in a way that I or other people react to in a negative way? No one can be toxic, but we can react negatively to them (it’s on us, not them). If I say I am having "a bad day," it implies that's all there is to it. Is that true? Was every part of the day bad? Probably not, unless everything I saw and touched wilted like the way a witch in a fairy tale makes a fresh flower droop just by looking at it. But, my way of seeing and talking about my day could make it bad day, but that's a choice I get to make.

The obvious downside of exaggerating is that it can create heightened feelings; it can exacerbate anxiety and fear; it can lead to mistruths and incite gossip; it can label something/someone in a way that is not fair or complete. We are many different things. It doesn’t allow for us or others to change, to be more complex. It’s like talking about the same bad news again and again, it waters the negative seeds in us and in others. Often when we exaggerate, we can be making assumptions about another’s motivations or character when we don’t really “know” it to be true. Words have ripple effects and create meanings. What are we creating? It’s a good question when it comes to communication.

My simple invitation this week is to be more aware of the words we choose when we are describing something. We can notice their effects and, when we need to, we can self-correct and clarify. After-all, it feels good to be genuine, doesn’t it?

🌷🙏
Jean

How Much Effort Do We Need?

 

It's Monday and as I often do, I am making dinner early in the day, because the latter part will be too full. It feels good to make something nourishing, knowing that when we get home for dinner, it will be ready. Standing by the stove, stirring the pot, I realize I'm gripping the large wooden spoon just too tightly. My shoulders are working harder than they should. I ease up and let go and when I do, my eyes soften. I'm less caught in the narrow tunnel of getting something done in this free hour I have and can relax into the experience of being home and having the luxury of cooking. When I pick my daughter up from high school, she'll get in the car and ask, "turmeric? Are we having lentils tonight?" My clothes will smell of onion, ginger, garlic, and cumin. As I drive and listen to her day, I will notice when I am contracting unnecessarily somewhere in my body and let go, once again. Throughout the day, I am retraining myself.

The older I get, the more I am aware that moving through life doesn't have to be so effortful; it doesn't have to be a "fight." Often I speak of ways of working with the mind to bring more space and ease, but we can also initiate it from the body. The next time you are in public, or even at home, observe the physical effort people exert. Notice their shoulders as they do any task; see what their hands and fingers are doing as they stand in line, or what their lips and jaw are doing. We can begin to see how much effort we exert to do something relatively simple. How much does it really take to open up a can or turn a doorknob? What are we contracting in our face as we pay our bills or listen to someone? As soon as we pay attention to what we do in our body, it becomes clear. We don't need to do all of this. We can ease up and it is such a relief. A simple gift we can give ourselves again and again.

My invitation this week is to sporadically check in with your body doing anything at all and see where you can do less and still get your task done well, maybe even better. You might notice places where you habitually contract and, however many times it takes, let it go again. Know that it is a habit and will take time to undo. There is no need to get frustrated. Instead, enjoy the physical relief every time. It will become delicious to let go. By making conscious note of how different and good it feels, we will likely do it more, so don't skip this part of recognizing the difference. We can say to ourselves, "it can feel like this (contracted, tense, effortful) or it can feel like this (open, relaxed, easy)." Our whole being will be grateful. We will have more energy. We will feel more spaciousness. We will see more beauty and experience more wonder because we are more open. We will likely sleep better. Our interactions will be easier and more connecting.

If you exercise, it is great practice to shift between sensing what it's like when you exert yourself and sensing the rest when you are not. Notice if you are still exerting yourself when the movement is done. For example if I run 3/4 of the track and walk  for 1/4 of the track. During that walk, I let my shoulders and arms relax completely and I walk slowly. I don't have to keep contracting. Playing with this awareness when we do physical things helps us to know the difference between when we need to apply more effort and when we really don't.

There will be places where we are aware of tension or holding, but can't let go and that's okay, too. Awareness is the first step to making a change. What we can do in these moments is send a kind and compassionate thought. It is hard to not be able to let go when we want to and we can meet it with care. Simply to say, "this is hard to feel; may I have ease in my body and mind; may I be gentle with myself" can be enough to shift the energy, even just a little bit. You can also visualize the breath bringing space to that area, as if you could breathe into this part of you and let the movement and rhythm of the breath massage this held place.

Wishing everyone a week of ease and a happy April. If you are celebrating, I wish you a joyful and meaningful Easter and Passover.  

🌷🙏
Jean