Be Santa Claus All Year

My teenage daughter and I took a walk the other day. She stopped at a beautifully full cherry blossom tree, pulled off a few blossoms and handed them to me. In the same week, a friend's husband offered his time and insight in an area where I could use some direction. Another friend is excited to help me launch a project that feels far-fetched to me, but she has complete confidence I can do it.


What keeps coming to the forefront of my attention these days is generosity. When I think of the word, some part of me associates it with money. I'm not sure why. The most generous acts I have been the recipient of in my life were not made with money. They were made by someone's presence, words, gestures, touch. The impact of these often simple acts was profound.

I think of my 8th grade English teacher responding to some painful words I shared about myself in the weekly journal he asked us to keep after getting our class pictures back. His words changed that year for me. I think of getting cut from an audition from a dance company I so desperately wanted to be in. I was walking through Union Square to the subway in the rain crying when a stranger stopped me to let me know that the sash to my raincoat was dragging on the ground and then asked if I was okay. I think of people who take the time to write back to me and thank me for something I said that touched them. These are acts of generosity. When people offer their presence, love, support, even a simple smile, its worth is much greater than any dollar value I can give it. The number of generous acts I receive would be impossible for me to count. They happen everyday.

This week I find myself asking why I don't practice simple acts of generosity even more. It is so easy to give and so enjoyable to do. Giving can be as simple as recognizing and appreciating another’s qualities, talents, goodness. To simply say, “wow, you’re really skilled at that," or "wow, that must have taken a lot of effort" is to see in another what they might not see in themselves because we tend not to see ourselves so clearly. Why not offer whatever we can to bring joy, reassurance, confidence, care, inspiration to another? A better question might be -- what fear gets in the way of our doing that? If we can tend to that fear, we will be much more free to give.

This isn't the reason to be generous...but, it is so rewarding! Simply said, it feels good to give because it takes us out of self-centeredness and into our inter-connection with all things. We can train ourselves in doing this -- to see the goodness in others more often than not and make note of it. Seeing through this lens is a choice. It may take some re-learning how to see and some undoing of the protective armor that gets built up in a competitive culture and a false belief in scarcity over abundance. But, we can and the process alone can be so liberating. We don't have to give away all our possessions to be generous. We don't have to give away money to be generous. We can be generous in ways much more profound and it may be as simple as a word or a gesture. Some people I know have this down and to them I am grateful as they show me the way again and again.

A simple practice for this week:
In the morning, think through who you will come in contact with that day and for each person, stranger or not, what can you say or what gesture can you make that will brighten that person's day, even just a little. What might you see and acknowledge in them that they might otherwise miss? And be sure to carry it out -- say the words, make the gesture without anything expected in return. Enjoy being "Santa Claus" every day because we can. We have a bottomless satchel of gifts we can hand out.

This week, I welcome you to join me in deepening generosity as yet another practice that can be a gateway to living a joyful, connected, and meaningful life.

Finding Center

This week's theme has everything to do with turning toward ourselves to feel grounded, solid, and centered. How do we get to that place where, despite what might be swirling in our personal or universal orbit, we feel steady in ourselves? What things can we do that will remind us of what really matters and that we can connect to right now? 

In those moments when the ground starts to feel shaky underneath us, here's a simple exercise you can take yourself through. I encourage you to try it on for size now so that you can remember to use it later. Or maybe today is the perfect time to use it.

1. Start by listing what you value (compassion, kindness, acceptance, fairness, honesty, equality, etc.). You might keep this list somewhere you can refer to.
2. Ask yourself if you are applying those values toward yourself right now. "Am I being compassionate with myself? Kind to myself? Fair to myself?" Notice if there is anywhere you are not applying your own values toward yourself and let yourself apply them now. Bring in compassion or bring in fairness, etc. (Walk the walk.)
3. Take the challenge that is before you which is causing your earth to tremble and ask, "If I come back to what I value (what I know to be fundamentally true and important) and remember that it is resides inside me, not without, can I ground myself there?" Can I trust these values are what brings stability, centeredness, fearlessness?
4. If you find it hard to feel grounded in your values, see which ones you might not be applying toward yourself that need strengthening. For example, if I value fairness, but I am holding myself up to impossibly high standards I wouldn't hold others up to, can I adjust the bar and be fair to myself? Where is the weak link that we need to nurture so that when the ground is quaking, we can rest in ourselves and "remember who we are."

Wishing you all the faith and trust in yourself you need to flourish through the week. 

🙏🌸
Jean

Do You Have Permission?

The nature of our wanting-mind or desiring-mind is that it is never full. Its hunger is never satiated. The illusion it creates is that we need something more and once we get it, then we will be full. A part of us really believes it, too. Unfortunately, that satiation is temporary. We will crave again. This isn't good or bad, it's just what is and when we can recognize it, we can help ourselves avoid suffering. 

To recognize desiring-mind doesn't mean that we deprive ourselves of what we want or that we don't get to enjoy whatever it might be. But if we can understand its changing nature and we can then lean into what we are looking to fill underneath that one desire. We can still choose to go after what we want, but we can do it with the awareness that it won't be the end and that what we really want, we already have access to inside of us.

Does this sound familiar? "If I only arrive at that place where… 
…my career is just the way I want it.
…my children are happy and on a 'good' path. 
…my house is orderly, comfortable, and forever clean. 
…my body is strong, lean, and pain free. 
…or my finances are what I think they should be...well then I will be content." 
 
That's the illusion and it feels so tempting to believe. But, like you, my higher self knows differently. She has seen, time and time again, just how unhappy people are with all of those things in place. So. what do we do when we hear the Sirens call -- those magical women in Ulysses who would lure men to steer their ships into rocks? Do we strap ourselves down as Ulysses did to avoid the temptation? 
 
We could and often we try with diets, budgets, periods of abstinence (from drinking, social media, sex, shopping, etc.), resolutions, only to find that we can't keep it up. Of course we can't. We are human. It's not a "bad" thing. That same wanting-mind can get us out of unhealthy situations, can create much needed change, can be the motivator for action and movement. But, if wanting to feel whole, complete, satisfied, full, is what we ultimately want, is there another way? How about having your own permission to receive?

I invite you to try this on... When someone compliments you, are you able to receive it without justifying it, downplaying what they noticed, passing credit on to something/someone else, disbelieving it? When you are offered an opportunity, do you take it or turn it down and keep going (out of fear) without pausing to take in all of what made the opportunity possible? Do you receive a degree, complete a project, get a promotion, start a new venture and forget to stop and appreciate what you accomplished and all that brought it to fruition (the people, conditions, efforts of others)? Do you awake and forget that the rising sun is a gift we get to let in? This struggle is a gift waiting to be understood? 

I know I have done all of these things. One of the many blessings of maturing is that I am steadily remembering what I think we are born knowing (until fear sets in). I am whole already. The gifts are constantly coming. I get in my own way by not receiving them. It's not because I am not grateful, but because I have contracted out of fear. 
 
To receive we need our own permission and it requires that we are open. If you throw a ball at a concrete wall, it will bounce back with force. The wall can't receive it. But if we throw a ball into an open glove, into a soft pillow, it will be received. We are no different. To feel full, we need to let ourselves receive. The gifts are already here. Abundance is already here. Fear keeps us from it and causes a self-perpetuating story of "not enough." We can start by receiving ourselves -- our own gifts, our talents, our resiliency, our creativity, our bodies. Then we can receive what is around us in all its forms. They didn't just get there. So much made this moment possible. 

When we love what's already here, we find there is an endless supply of what we need. We can give ourselves permission to receive and slow down to take it in -- all of what brought it to be.

Will desiring-mind go away? Probably not for me. But that's okay because I know that I can return, as many times as I need, to the present moment and reconnect to what's here. I can work through the fear and re-open. Receiving is a practice. In every moment we are receiving (this breath, this sound, this feeling, this sensation, this thought, this experience of being alive).

Wishing you a full week and all the permission you need to receive it.

🙏🌷
Jean

P.S.  Meditation gives us that training to stop and feel full from what's here. The trick is to practice when you feel good and when you don't. Drop-in meditations on Zoom continue every Tuesday & Friday morning and every Sunday evening. Be a part of a community that values the present moment.

Welcome It All

One day last week I found myself going down a slippery slope of shame. When I got enough clarity to name the feeling as shame, I asked what I was ashamed of. When I heard the answer, I spent about three hours feeling not so great until some more insightful part of me intervened and asked, "Why are you not allowed to feel that? All humans experience this. There is nothing wrong with it." I was judging the feeling and that created shame. But realized that if I had allowed myself to have the feeling and let it be a normal process, it wouldn't have gotten stuck at all. 

When we feel frustration or anger with ourselves, shame, or depression, we can know that some part of ourselves has not been welcomed. If we can be honest with ourselves, we recognize that as humans we are capable of all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And this is when we'll often label them as good/bad, right/wrong.

It's those labels that cause us suffering. We are capable of doing harm, just like we are capable of loving. We are capable of anger and joy. We can be jealous and we can be generous, etc. We can let it be okay. We ALL feel these things. This doesn't mean that we have to act on what we are feeling, but we can recognize it and allow for it without shame. I can be angry, not act on my anger, and not feel ashamed for being angry. I can feel desire, not act on my desire, and recognize that we all have times of wanting.

We all are instruments of goodness and we all cause harm. It's only when we make ourselves or others wrong, or even right (if something is "right" then something else must be "wrong"), that we actually cause suffering. Guilt and/or shame comes in and judgment of others is inevitable. When we can instead be with "what is" rather than with our judgement on "what is," we experience much greater flow and connection, more acceptance and letting go, more presence with the life that is here. 

The irony is if we embrace all the parts of ourselves, not just what we deem as "good" we will be living more genuinely, with greater peace, and more happiness. We will also be less quick to jump on the bandwagon of judging other's actions because we know that if the conditions were there for us, we are capable of that, too.

My invitation this week is that when you find yourself judging a feeling, get curious. What are you not "allowed" to experience? What shifts did you make? If you remember that we are of the nature to feel all kinds of things. They are all of value. We don't have to leave anything out, rather we can welcome it all and leave judgement at the door.

Being With A Feeling vs. Acting On A Feeling

Happy Passover and Happy Easter to all those who are celebrating! This week I am adapting the talk I gave from Sunday night's meditation to share here. I would love to hear if you find this simple reframe useful. Feel free to write to me!

When difficult feelings arise in me what I notice is that I can respond to what’s there or I can be with what's there. We all have a habitual tendency to take action or do something about it first. This is especially true when we have a negative feeling. But rather than respond immediately, what we can do is meet it and really be with it. This movement of self-compassion gives us permission to pause. It allows us to shift our perspective and change the energy surrounding the situation or feeling. 

You can try it on right now. Say the words, “being-with” a feeling versus “acting-on” a feeling. They feel different in my body when I say them. They're both valid. When we meditate we are with alone with ourselves. Which is why it can be uncomfortable, especially if we have a loud self-critic! This idea that we can be with anything can help.

Take a Mindful Pause for a Moment:

• Come back to your breathing. 
• Call up a feeling that has been present lately. It could be something that arose today or something lately that keeps announcing itself. Name the feeling. Once you’ve identified it, now try on the two different ways you can approach it. 
• Try on doing something about it. What would that be (talking myself out of it, coming up with a solution, making it seem not so bad, blaming)? What energy in the body does that bring? Now, let that go. 
• Start over and name the feeling again. This time try on being with it instead. This might look more like confirming its presence: “yes, I know you are there; of course you are there; this is a hard feeling to have; I’m with you.” Let go of changing it or needing to do anything and simply be with it. Let there be a “we" -- we are in this.” What does this feel like in your body? Does it feel different from acting-on?

Sometimes a small reframing of something can change the experience of it. Give it a try.

The Mindfulness of Boundaries

Dear Friends,

Over the past couple of weeks in A Mindful Life we have been exploring a subject that never stops presenting itself in life…boundaries. The word itself can carry a weight of negativity, but I when I dive into the subject with everyone, it’s one that brings great awareness, clarity, and kindness to our ability to relate to all kinds of things. Whether the boundary is within ourselves or someone else, a group, our job, a habit…we can prevent suffering simply by getting clear on our needs and limits. 

To establish boundaries, we have to be honest and clear with ourselves. If we don’t know our own needs, or if we don’t allow ourselves to have needs (a big issue among caretakers), how can we relate to anything that has the potential to get a lot more messy? If we don't set a boundary because we’re afraid of the other people’s reaction, (the fear that we’ll be rejected, abandoned, or make them angry), then we first need to work on the fear in ourselves. 

Mindfulness teaches how to be with our fear and how to take care of it with compassion so that it can shift. We can also bring in compassion and understanding when we recognize the needs of others. Even if we are saying no or creating a limit, we can meet whatever it is mindfully and with kind attention. We also get to recognize that part of ourselves that all too often thinks we’re responsible for another person’s happiness. The false notion that if we don’t meet their needs, that we are to blame. We feel guilty, selfish, or not enough. When we do that, we’re not giving the other person credit for having the ability to cope, find a way, be resilient, and capable on their own! 

My invitation to you this week is to ask yourself, “Where is there a boundary issue that may need attention?” A good place to start is to see if there are any places right now in your life where resentment or anger arises. Are there relationships that feel taxing or disrespected/disregarded? Is there a relationship where we get overly involved in the other person’s business? Or maybe if we find ourselves saying “yes” or “no” more often than we really want to? 

We can make boundaries too rigid where they get in the way of us having experiences or too soft, causing frustration. A boundary issue can be there in simple ways like over-sharing when it isn’t appropriate. Or expecting those closest to us to act or behave a certain way just because we have been around each other for so long. For example, “Of course they’ll stop what they’re doing to tend to my question immediately if I call from the other room.” In this pandemic when we’re home and together for so much time, this can be an easy one to relate to! Sometimes we get too comfortable and lose the distinction between ourselves and others. 

Once you can identify the issue, try to:

• Gently explore what your needs are and what gets in the way of expressing them. What’s it like to draw a line and name your needs?

 

• Welcome whatever comes. It has insight and you have your own wisdom to take care of any fears that are there. What would you say from your years of experience in living to comfort those old fears?

• Try expressing what you need from a place of kind, thoughtful intention. It will likely come out differently and not as rigid, angry, or demanding. I learned from Inner Relationship Focusing teacher Ann Weiser Cornell, to ask myself what I am saying “yes” to when I say “no.” Sometimes just sharing what we are saying “yes” to helps both of us connect to the healthy intention behind it and allows the other to relate.

Mindful awareness is at the crux of it all. The more awareness we have, the more we can slow our habitual reactions down. The more we can be present to what’s uncomfortable and take care of ourselves, the more we understand what we need. The more clear and loving our actions are and our relationships to all things will be. 

Let’s celebrate mindful boundaries. When we slip or forget to check in with ourselves, feel that contraction of resentment, or when we cross others (as we surely will at times), we can repair and begin again. Without shame or guilt, but with insight and grace.

A new month is here, and spring is coming along with more vaccines. This is something to celebrate! Wishing you all a beautiful week.

Jean

P.S. This is the week to register for new segments of A Mindful Life. I am looking for 4 to join the Wednesday 11:15 am group next week and if that time does not work, reach out because there may be space in some of the other groups.

To Be In Community Is To Remember

“A circle of trust is a group of people who know how to sit quietly "in the woods" with each other and wait for the shy soul to show up. The relationships in such a group are not pushy but patient; they are not confrontational but compassionate; they are filled not with expectations and demands but with abiding faith in the reality of the inner teacher and in each person's capacity to learn from it.”  —Parker Palmer

Dear Friends, This past weekend, 10 women came together for 2 hours to be with the subject of mindfulness and creativity. I always get nervous for these workshops, especially when they are new. I wonder if I am asking the right questions, if what I am presenting will resonate, if the group will connect meaningfully. The truth is, I can never really know and so I have to be with that difficult feeling of uncertainty and show up anyway. What I learn every time with a group or workshop is that it's not about what we do, so much as the connection and community that gets created. When we want to be there and when we are open to being curious about our experience and willing to share authentically, then connection happens and when we connect with ourselves and each other, there is nothing better. And, why is there nothing better than connection? Because our biggest fear, our ultimate fear, is that we will be disconnected from everything. What we forget is that we can't be separated. We are made of everything that is not us and we are also a part of everything past, present and future. So, of course, when we have moments of feeling connected with another or a group, it feels so good because, consciously or not, it helps us to remember.  What I witnessed this weekend were artists, writers, and dabblers connect with themselves and each other. What a gift it was for everyone. They witnessed, related to, and inspired each other and it was beautiful. What was created, even if for only 2 hours, was community. Community matters. On an intellectual level, we know this and yet we find relating can often be so challenging that we imagine having a larger healthy community would be impossible. The more I do this work of leading mindful groups, the more clear it seems that creating a healthy community (and by healthy I mean based in the principles of kindness, generosity, and love), might first require having the experience of being in a smaller one that gives us a sense of belonging, one that helps us to remember our connection, what matters to us, and who we are. One that is specifically intended to create space for ourselves to slow down and practice being present, and to share what that experience is like? What’s it like to get quiet and see what's alive in us. What’s it like to hear what’s alive in another? What’s it like to listen to someone and not have to fix them? What’s it like to “water positive seeds” together? This week, my teenagers and I were listening to Coldplay in the car and Fix You came on. I paused it and asked them, "what's wrong with this song?” “Huh,” they replied? I asked, “what’s wrong with the lyrics?” And then my daughter got it. We can't fix other people, we can only be compassionate with them as they discover and uncover. This is what a community can do. We can hold the space for each other. It is worth all the effort we put into it. What I re-discovered this weekend is that we create community. We create it by what we bring. Even in these times of social distancing, we can find the “us” that’s still here.  🙏🌻 Jean P.S.  If you want to be a part of a mindful community, ask about A Mindful Life and see if it's the kind of space you are looking for. A New group starts next Wednesday night! Or come to workshops, or join the drop-in meditation community. There are so many opportunities to connect and feel a "part of."

What If Our Motivation Was Kindness?

We mark time because it gives us a reference point. Though time is continuous and there is no true beginning or ending, we note a beginning or ending so that we can know where we are relative to a certain point. Marking time helps us to make assessments; it provides guideposts and structure. Like any label, that's all time is, a guidepost, but a necessary one. We mark the year's beginning and naturally, it presents this question, "how do I want to begin?"  

Unfortunately, this time of the year is often one when people make resolutions to "improve" themselves. I suggest that we don't try to improve ourselves but be kind to ourselves and that shift in perspective is no small thing. As we look at what we want to manifest this year, choosing kindness can be all the motivation we need. If what we choose to do for ourselves isn't motivated by kindness, then maybe we should reconsider it! Try it on in these small ways. I brush my teeth to be kind to my teeth. I eat vegetables to be kind to my digestion. I do my laundry to be kind to my belongings that keep me warm, clothed, etc. We can move from doing the "right thing" to truly wanting to take care and it feels very different. 

We don’t need improvement. We need kindness. When we are kind to ourselves, there is the added benefit that we get better at things, but not because we are trying to get better. Just like we don’t need to make our breath get deeper or longer, but just by following it, it tends to do it on its own. Another added benefit is that when we do something motivated by kindness, we generally enjoy the thing.

In my New Year's Day talk, I proposed that we make healing the theme of this year. One of the ways to heal is to bring in kindness. So I invite us all to let kindness be the motivation behind our actions. This doesn't mean it will always feel easy, but it will be driven from love, not lack or fear.

🙏🌻
Jean

Shining The Light: The Best Gift Ever

“People shine not in the glow of your charisma. They shine in the light of your attention for them. It is from that that they can see their own brilliance. They shine when you remind them that they matter.”   -- Nancy Kline

This is the time of the year when acts of giving and receiving are pushed into the limelight. It is the time of the year when lights adorn our rooms, our houses, our trees. There is this other light that Nancy Kline speaks of in her book Time To Think that may be the biggest gift we could give. It is the “light of our attention.”  

As a shy child, the adults who stood out to me were the ones who stopped long enough to really listen and see me. The ones who gave me their undivided attention, not because it was the right thing to do, but because they were truly curious about me. They helped me to see in myself what I could not see and, in those moments, I felt my value. I remember at NYU, I had a professor who sat behind his desk, always with a folded newspaper and an unlit pipe in his mouth. He had a full beard and a voice like the late Sean Connery. I don’t remember what the theme of the class was, but he would take a headline from the paper and ramble until his attention landed on someone in the class. He would then ask their opinion based on their life experiences so far. I remember the time he picked The New Yorker magazine up off of his desk and launched into a talk on the significance of their decision to add advertising to the magazine, which had previously been one of the rare ones splendidly devoid of it. He landed on me that day, bringing up something he knew about my parents growing up around Greenwich Village and wanted to know my opinion. I don’t remember what I could have said, being as shy as I was, but what stood out was not that I said anything brilliant, but that he allowed me feel like I must have brilliance inside of me. He was one of many people throughout my life that helped me to glow. 

The beautiful thing is that we all have that potential to help other people see their brilliance simply by giving them our wholehearted, uninterrupted attention. This season, I have a gift suggestion and it is not one we can buy.

🎁 Gift Ingredients: 

~ Listen with your eyes on theirs, undivided, fully present

~ When they finish speaking, let there be silence. Allow space for their words to land.

~ Don’t offer suggestions, give advice, or fix; trust they have the answers even if they don’t know it yet.

~ Reflect back what they said using their words and ask if you got it right.

~ Give them more time to say more. 

~ Find the nugget of wisdom in what they shared and let them know.

~That’s all. Wrap the gift without becoming the center of it.

To all those people who gave me this attention, wow, am I grateful. May we all do this for each other this season and throughout the year. And when we forget, as I know I do, we simply get to begin again. 

🌻🙏

Jean

Breathing Is Everything

Please note: If you are on my email list, you may notice that I am sending the blog as an email post. If you find that you are receiving it both from me and from Blogger, please unsubscribe from the blog so that you do not receive it twice. I cannot unsubscribe you and I don't want to clutter your inbox! Thank you. 🌻

On Thanksgiving Day, my husband and I took a walk in one of our favorite local places. No one was there. We came out of the woods and stopped on the great lawn stretched before us and breathed in the descending sun. The spacious warmth of that moment is one I can easily recall days later and it brings me home to my breath as I do. Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh says the breath is like an internal massage that nourishes all our organs; the breath massages the whole body from the inside out. Of course it does and yet so much of the time it is so easy to forget that we can experience it this way - if only we pay attention. 

When I first come into meditation, following my breath often feels like I am trying to follow something elusive. I have to listen and feel carefully. It's not very deep or long. It's as though I have to catch up to it, but as I do and as I gradually let go of the effort and tension in my body, the breath becomes what it actually is...everything. I am here, in this form, because I am breathing. The more I let go of the contraction in my muscles and my mind, the more I sense the movement of the breath throughout all of me and it does feel nourishing. I feel my belly, my chest, my shoulders, my pelvis, my rib cage expand and soften back in - a beautiful rhythm of movement that is not elusive at all. It is our faithful companion, what we can return to at any moment. Learning to receive it has been the greatest gift. It is what I can come back to whenever I feel scared, separate, or weighed down. Our breath is here for us and it brings us into the present moment - the only moment we are actually alive.

This week I am making a deliberate effort to tune into my breathing more of the time - outside of meditation. As I write this, I am following my breathing; as I watched Netflix last night, I followed by breathing; as I empty the dish washer, fold clothes, walk, I can tune in. My body is thanking me. It already feels more relaxed. I may not be giving massages anymore, but I can help you to receive your own. I want everyone to be able to help themselves. It is such a powerful thing to self-soothe and to have a sense of agency about our own well-being. This week I invite you to join me and deepen your commitment throughout the day (for more on commitment, have a listen to Sunday's talk). Tune in and follow along with the song that is playing inside. It is the song of your life. 
Breathe well and be happy. 

🌻🙏

Jean

How Do You Want To Meet This Winter?

There has been frequent use of the phrase “the long, dark winter” in talking about what is coming next. What we think has a lot to do with what we manifest and what we experience. Do we have to have a long, dark winter ahead? Some of it is up to us. Yes, the virus in increasing here in NJ and restrictions are beginning again. Yes, the holidays for many will lack the usual gatherings and traditions. Yes, it will get colder and socializing, even out-of-doors, will get harder. I get all of that, but none of it is taking us by surprise like it did in the spring. The question is, what do we want to do with this information? Knowing what we know, how can we make something out of the conditions we have? How can we remember to see all that is beautiful and joyful just as this life is? What is possible?  Take a moment to try this on. Read this and close your eyes and see what answer comes. Ask yourself, “what is the feeling (not the thing I do, but the feeling) I love most that comes about by the holidays and/or winter months?” See what word or phrase comes that best captures the whole of it. It might take asking the question a couple of times for the answer to arrive, but when it does, try it on to make sure it fits. If it doesn’t, stay with it and search some more. Once you know what feeling describes it best, then ask how you can create that out of the conditions that are here or might be here. Make a list of things you might do, ways of being/thinking, steps you might take, etc. Once your are done, see if contemplating the coming months feels any different. Maybe it’s not your ideal, but it can still be good.  We can get our minds to recalibrate. When we stop resisting what is here, we can open to what else is true. We are adaptable. We can find possibilities. We are resilient. We don’t have to have a “long, dark winter.” Wishing you all an open heart and mind that will help you enjoy these months. We don’t get them back later, so let’s savor them now while we are alive to experience them.

An Election Over: What We Can Celebrate - Talk From 11/8/20

This is the talk given at meditation on Sunday, November 8, 2020.

ll things change. After a week fraught with uncertainty, we have a new president. And though the candidate I wanted to win did, and though there is much relief inside me and Saturday night I felt a tremendous cloud lifted, there is a large part of me that is conflicted in the triumph. When the half the people lose, it feels hard for me to wholeheartedly celebrate. 

What I was left with this week was the feeling, once again, that no side has been listening very well. Each side makes their demands; thinks they’re right; thinks their values are better.

This week I came to the realization that if half the people voted differently than me, then I need to reconsider how I am thinking about all of it. Half the people can’t be wrong or bad or have values that don’t align with mine. What it does mean is that half the people have different experiences, different stories, histories, and their perceptions are different than mine because of them. AND they matter. They’re going to have different fears. Some may be the same, but some may be opposing. What I am taking in more fully than ever before is that if I don’t give consideration to these differences, I will start believing half the people in this country are “bad.” In my heart, I know that is not true. We are all unique individuals with specific experiences that shaped who we are and how we think. What if we gave everyone not our judgement, not our opinions, but consideration? What if we valued all beings as thinking/feeling vulnerable beings - and that means even if they are waving flags and guns. What if we could be steady and listen even then with wonder about what they are needing to feel safe and take it seriously?

What does seem true from this election is the presence of a whole lot of fear, all of which is valid. We fear terrorists. We fear freedom being taken away. We fear diversity. We fear racism. We fear the police. We fear the lack of policing. We fear restrictions. We fear the lack of restrictions. We fear the faltering economy. We fear greed. We fear climate change. We fear making sacrifices. Ultimately, we fear change and the evolution of humanity - the unknown of it. How can we reach greater understanding and unity if we don’t tend to all of the fears on both sides and not berate the other for having them but get truly interested in the what and the why underneath them? I suggest an even bigger inquiry is here…are we willing to hold the opposing views, fears, feelings that exist inside ourselves. We are all complicated.   

If we are really on a path of awareness, we must learn to hold greater and greater complexity and change judgement to curiosity. This week, a shift has taken root in me. It is a move away from us vs them thinking, seeing in black and white, moving away from right/wrong; good/bad. Those concepts won’t bring peace or understanding. We know from our own experience that they don’t work within ourselves…when we fail to hear and be with all the parts of ourselves and make room for the complexity within us, we suffer. When we judge ourselves, when we make ourselves good/bad, right/wrong, we suffer.  

We have a fresh start before us as a country. We can also have a fresh start with ourselves. I’ve said it before but if we can work with “the impossible” in ourselves, we can work with what seems impossible in others because we have developed that muscle that can hold opposing sides, that listens, that makes room for and tends to both. We can be with all of ourselves. When we do this, all of us feels heard. This is the only way to dissolve fear. And when we dissolve fear, our actions are open, generous, loving. We can approach everything outside of us in the same way. We can strengthen this muscle.

This is a whole other way of being. When I try it on, it feels like the embodiment of equanimity. I invite you to try it on as well. What if we embodied equanimity? This would mean that instead of reacting in judgement we would lean into the complexity and nuances of the other’s story. What if we got curious about them, trusted their experiences, their histories because that’s what is true for them. What if I don’t try to change them, but be with them. We can’t convince people to think like we do. It doesn’t work. What has greater impact is when we are truly present, listening, bringing in compassion, holding their truths even if they are different than ours.

I know this won’t happen overnight for me, but this is the next place I want to nurture in me. What it means is that I need to be able to be steady, because I will have to face the forces in me that want to resort to the old way of thinking that I am right. The image that comes is in the story of the Buddha on the night of his enlightenment with Mara shooting arrows at him to distract him and when they struck him, they turned to flowers. What if, we could be like that? What if we trusted ourselves enough to have the strength, the courage, the wherewithal to be that?

The country is ushering in change and growth. We know that growth or the birth of something is rarely easy or elegant. If you are celebrating, please enjoy it. But, let’s also know half of the country is not and we can’t disregard that. We have work to do inside ourselves. We can choose to see it as the work of enlightenment. The opportunity is exciting because winning an election is not the final accomplishment. There is no real winning. Becoming a more aware, loving, compassionate person with all living things - well now, that is something to truly celebrate. We can do that.