Do You Know That You Matter?

What is it like to hear me say to you that you matter? You, the one reading this email right now. You Matter. You matter to me, to the people who love you, to the people who don't even know you, to all the different communities you belong to (i.e. the community of your neighborhood, your gym, your office, your church, your grocery store, anywhere you go regularly). You matter to the universe because you are part of it, made of its earth, its people/your ancestors, the sun, moon, and stars.

What does that actually feel like to take it in that you are essential in what sometimes appears to be a chaotic, indifferent world? If someone says to you, "You're important to me," does it stick? Or do you believe that when you are out of sight you are out of mind?

Or do you hear it and then forget? I know I usually forget and what a drag it is for me and for the person who told me. What would it be like if you could really take it in and not forget your value? How would you move through the world differently? How would you interact differently knowing that you are cared about? What kind of care would you then bring to your interactions?

When we understand, really understand, how much we affect each other, we become more mindful of how we meet someone (or a group) and what kind of presence we bring because it matters. When we learn to treat ourselves with care and kindness we start to value ourselves more. And when we value ourselves more, we value other people more too...because we know the difference. 

When someone leaves a group of mine and they miss the last session and don't say goodbye, what I feel is sadness. I think, "They must not have known that their presence mattered to us." We do notice when you leave and the reason this is so important is that it is the basis of our fear. All fear comes down to the fear of being separated and yet what do we do? We leave and not realize that our separating has an impact. If we don't want to feel disconnected, then we need to be conscious of our connection. It's there and will always be there, but we have to take it in. Fear can then fall away.

For over a year, the Sunday night meditation group moved online throughout the pandemic. A group that started over 9 years ago, stuck together on Zoom and kept the community going even for those who could not be on Zoom, but would return when they could. Thanks to those who held it together, we are now returning with a new in-person and online hybrid form. The community is still here. It could not exist without the people who make it up. Presence matters. 

When we practice meeting ourselves with kindness, we change the world. My invitation this week is to set the intention this summer to water those seeds, strengthen those muscles, (or whatever analogy is best for you), to treat yourself with the care that you want to see in the world, and to know that your presence matters. 

🙏🌼
Jean

The Return of Busyness

I don't know about you, but I sense the busyness of life picking back up now that the pandemic is winding down here in the United States. Were you one of the many like myself who enjoyed having fewer places to get to and fewer obligations -- the simplicity of life that was mandatory for a while? Of course, no one wanted to stay in lockdown, but we learned so much about enjoying simple things in those months and many of us said we wanted to keep some of the new habits in place. But, here we are with the current getting stronger, pulling on our ankles, ready to take us into the rapids where we have to stay afloat and be carried forward again. Once we are in it, it is that much harder to grab a hold of something to resist the force. If you find yourself here, about to be swept away, I invite you to refresh yourself on how to access your anchors when you need them. You can  grab ahold of the branch alongside the river and find your footing again back on the bank. Here are some reminders:

1) We are not victims to the current. We do get to choose what we do. We all create the current that exists. Having clear boundaries in ourselves about how busy we want to be is what we can control and sets up the expectations of others. Review what you did not do during the pandemic that gave you more space, ease, greater appreciation for the ordinary things. Which of them might you like to keep implemented? To do it may require letting go of being perfect, or being all things to all people -- you might be saying "no" more and that's okay. 

2)  As I spoke about in a recent talk, this persistent myth that we don't have enough time is one we can debunk. I know I am often plagued by the feeling, but the reality is that it's when I am thinking of what else I have to do that I don't have enough time. "Not enough time" is a future thing! If I am in the moment doing what I am doing, then there is no concept of not enough time. I'm just in it. Coming back to our breathing can help. When I feel pressed for time and I start to follow my in-breath and out-breath as I move, listen, talk, write, drive, it helps me to find space in the moment. In the present moment there is always enough time.

3) Be diligent about pausing. The world won't pause for us. It's up to us. When busyness starts to set in, we think we don't have time to practice meditation or mindful reflection. It doesn't make the to do list. But this is when chaos starts. This is where drama makes its entrance on stage. Why is that? Because when we don't pause and practice, we fall back into our habitual reactions. Habitual reactions tend not to be so mindful. They are the ones we learned at a younger age. When we stop and use our awareness, we make different choices and drama has to wait in the wings. So keep your practice strong so that peace and ease are more likely to have the main roles.

In high school, I was asked to be on the cheerleading team. I turned them down. It was a hard thing for me to say "no" to someone who wanted me, especially in a new school, in a new state. I auditioned because they wanted me to, but my truth was clear... I have never been a cheerleader. So you won't see me waving pompoms, calling out, "you can do this!" It's just not me. But, I am positively here for you whenever you need support grounding yourself in your insight and wisdom. I welcome you to use my offerings to keep you diligent in your practice and dedicated to your well-being as the world picks up speed. 

🌻
Jean

Why Is It So Hard To Keep Going?

One of the biggest challenges with meditation is staying consistent with the practice. We have good intentions; we want to do it; we know it would helpful if we stayed with it, but alas, it just doesn't happen. Let's put any judgement aside because we all know meditation can be so easily put off. I'll often hear, "I can't find the time, even though I know there's no reason I can't make 5 minutes in my day." I get it. It's not so easy when our to do list is calling our name or someone else is literally calling our name. We can put our needs aside for what appears more pressing or maybe it simply calls out louder. So what helps?

There are the obvious tips:

• Commit to the same time every day and put it in your calendar (set a gentle sounding alarm 5 minutes prior to remind you). Even if it's only a 5 minute practice, schedule it.

• Notice the difference in the days you practice and the days you skip and which feels better? I find when I skip a day, I feel like I am missing something all day -- connection to myself.

• Before you go to sleep, think about the time you have reserved for meditation the following day and remember the "why of it." Why do you want to meditate? Let the "why" motivate you. We often need to remind ourselves. Some of my why's are: because I want to strengthen being present; I want to practice reacting less habitually and find that space between what arises and what I do; I want to find more space between my thoughts and come back to my body; I want to savor this moment right here; I want to slow myself down; I want to remind myself that in this very moment I am enough and this moment is enough; I am kinder to myself when I pause and let whatever is alive in me just be there. I could go on. There are all kinds of reasons to practice! What is yours? Recall it and let it be the inspiration that gets you to sit down on your cushion or chair in the morning.

• Create a space in your home, even if it is a corner of a room. Let it be your sacred space. A place where the ritual of coming to sit invites you in. Whatever cushion, chair, props, bells you need. Put a single flower there so  that it signifies this is a place where awareness, presence, compassion, peace  is possible.

AND NOW...drum roll...what I find is the most significant tip to keeping a regular meditation  practice...

Sit with a meditation group every week. Sorry if that was anti-climatic. But, really, it is no small thing and yet the commitment is no big thing either. Just show up online or  in person, however it might be  offered. When we commit to showing up to a group, we not only strengthen our practice because we have dedicated a time and place to meditate, but we also support and are supported by others who value living a mindful life. The practice matters not only to us, but to the community. That support only exists if you show up. It feeds itself. It is interdependent. We may all be in different places in our practice, but that doesn't matter. We show up to ourselves and each other. Whether we say a single word or not, our presence is felt in person or online.

Besides, the image of sitting in a cave on a mountain alone until we get enlightened...that is one way to go, but how well that prepares us to being among others and engaged in the world as it is, I am not so sure. There is no reason to do it alone. Last weekend when we were away in the country, we watched as a flock of small birds chased a hawk from tree to tree to get it to leave. We had never seen anything like it. There is strength in numbers. The same is true in mindfulness and meditation.

If you are having difficulty staying consistent with your meditation practice, know you are not alone, leave the judgement aside, and get together with others who value it, too. You will be nourished.

Jean

🙏🌼

Finding Grace

A rainy Memorial Day weekend it has been! Last week I wrote about how vital it is to take pauses and how much I was looking forward to our weekend away. If you're in the northeast you know it has rained for three solid days. Not just light rain, but non-stop, bring-it-on rain. We made the best of it in our Airbnb in Accord, New York. We rested, ate yummy food, had a lot of good laughs (especially surrounding the bats in the chimney who were highly active throughout the night), enjoyed an amazing fire (no worries -- we were told the bats would leave and return and they did). I snapped this picture of the daisies, not letting rain the deter me from pulling over on the road and enjoying the fields of flox, the wild iris, the baby deer, and the awe inspiring sight of a bald eagle as we walked along the Ashokan Reservoir. Yes, despite the rain, or maybe because of the rain, we paused even further. It was a beautiful weekend. The grace was in letting go what I wanted it to be so that I could take in what it actually was. And what it was, was a gift.

Grace. It was the theme of last week's A Mindful Life groups and I am enamored with it. Fortunately, I don't have a negative religious association with the word that gets in the way of my being able to appreciate it. I know some do. In my groups, I heard so many wonderful descriptions about what it would be like to meet something with grace. What words/feelings/images capture it for you? Someone said the word "mature" came to mind and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. I don't think I could say I handled things with grace in my 20's or even in my 30's. I'm only just now starting to get it. I think it often comes with age and it makes sense that it would. We stop fighting (with ourselves, with others, with the way we want life to be) and realize the fight is within and there is another way. To handle myself and what arises with grace is to let go, to receive, to flow, to open, to welcome, to trust and be fearless, to be grateful, to be present and generous. Grace is not hurried. Grace does not require me to be "right." Grace is not submissive, but is not forceful. Grace has clarity and intention. Grace is soft and quietly, humbly powerful. When I think of powerful leaders I admire, they all led and dealt with hardships with grace. 
These days, I find myself asking: how might I meet this issue before me with grace (this problem, confusion, obstacle, decision, relationship, etc.). The question brings me back to my highest intentions. My invitation this week is to imagine some situation you are facing and see  yourself approaching it with grace. How do you hold yourself differently, respond differently? What is the felt sense as you call it up?

When we are in the middle of a hard moment, we can't call it up instantly from imagining it once, but we can strengthen that seed in us. In listening to the people who shared in my groups, I noticed that sometimes we first need to meet ourselves with grace before we can meet a situation with it. See if that applies to you if you get stuck.

I hope you all found some ways to enjoy pausing over this long weekend. I am reminded to take one now, on this Memorial Day, to honor all of the men and women who sacrificed their lives on our behalf. Join me in honoring them with gratefulness. 

🙏🌼
Jean

Working With Fear

What's on my mind this week is fear and how it gets in the way of generosity. When we are fearful we can't be generous. Fear causes contraction. We can't give away, or make room (for differing opinions/needs) when we are pulling in to protect. They simply don't go together.

Fear rears its face everywhere and yet so often we don't recognize our behavior as coming from fear. It's also hard to admit we are afraid so we call it all kinds of others things. It comes out deceptively as anger, aggression, defensiveness, denial, false positivity, busyness, sleepiness, among others. Fear pushes away, runs away, fights, immobilizes. It's reactive. We need a certain amount of it to stay safe, but so much of the time we could choose to let it go by slowing down and looking more deeply. 

The pressing question is: how do we become less fearful? I wish there was a simple answer, but the only one that makes sense to me is to find some peace with the fact that I am mortal and am going to leave this all behind. It appears to me that death and the possibility of being separated is the fear behind all fears. So what greater way to find peace than to reconcile with this truth? I find the more I can make small strides in this area, the more free I am here. When I am free, I am more willing to give things away, make allowances for other people's needs, let go of my righteousness if it helps another to feel safe. All kinds of things. But, like forgiveness, this isn't a one time thing. I need to keep remembering that it's really okay that I am going to die.

How do we get okay with death? I wish I could answer that, too, but it's personal for everyone. What I can say is that it is worth our deep looking until we find some way of accepting this temporary experience we have been gifted and even be able to enjoy its temporariness. If you’re wondering what works for me, I'll share it knowing that it might not suit you and that's okay. What makes most sense to me I learned from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. His book No Death, No Fear explains it much more eloquently than I can, but this is how I translate it...

When I recognize that I am not just this body or this mind because everything I might consider "me" is made of things that are not me - my thoughts, me behaviors, my physical body is made up of everything else (water, minerals, plants, the sun, the rain, my parents, my ancestors, my society, my teachers, people I don't know, etc.). I often get caught in the illusion that I am an independent Jean, but I can't be. I know that I can't be separate from anything. What's great about this is that I can't be separated from my kids, my husband, my friends, the animals I love, the flowers, all the beauty and all love that exists. This alone helps me drop my fear of death. It also connects me to everything that is difficult in life, too. The mud. I’m not separate from that either. Can you see the relief in that! If I am the mud, I don't have to be afraid of the mud.

If I am not afraid of dying, then who or what is there to be afraid of in this life? When someone unfamiliar approaches me defensively or accusingly, or asks something of me, I do not have to be afraid. When I feel uncertain about how things will work out, I do not have to be afraid. Don't get me wrong, I don't have this down yet. But, this is the path I choose to be more free while I am here. It takes practice. The only way I can use this practically in the moment with someone is to slow down and talk myself through it. Another reason to meditate. If I’m all caught up in myself, it’s hard to see clearly. It’s hard not to react habitually. It may sound a bit funny, but if I slow down and remember death, I’ll handle things a whole lot better. And I’ll be more generous, too because I’m not caught. 

This week’s invitation:
Reflect on how you make peace with your mortality. What way of viewing this life feels like an opening to something bigger, not a closing? If you don't have to be afraid of dying, how might life feel different? How might you behave differently in situations that at first seem threatening? 

Wishing you all a beautiful week of being alive. 

🙏🌼
Jean

This One Question Can Liberate Us

In my 20's as I struggled to get by as a modern dancer in NYC, I worked in arts administration writing grants, managing a dance studio, and anything else that was needed. On my desk I had the words "is it true?" and "are you sure?" printed on one of those P-Touch label makers (which I still use). I had read them in one of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh's books. These days I am coming to value them even more. 

Brené Brown, among others, talks about questioning "the story we tell ourselves." We have ideas about ourselves, often from past experiences, that then come to define us because we let them. Questioning our perceptions is one of the essential components to living a mindful life. When we slow ourselves down, we can see what we have been believing about ourselves, a particular subject, a relationship, really anything. We can then ask, "is it true? Am I sure?" When we do that, we take a step back from it and have an opportunity to see more clearly. Byron Katie has created an entire process she calls The Work which gracefully dives into a line of questioning ourselves that starts with this very concept, "is it true?" It's a great question and when asked with genuine curiosity and care, it can free us. 

So often when I am struggling with something and I ask that question around whatever it is I am believing or saying to myself, I know the true answer is, "no." It's always helpful when I get real with myself. Once I admit to that, then I can see what's really there and what's really there usually needs acknowledgment, care and compassion. It doesn't need to be fixed; it just needs my presence to start. Occasionally my answer is, "yes, it is true." In that case, I can ask "am I sure" and if I am still sure, then I can take it a step further and ask, "if it is true, then what?" I can see what comes and follow that line of thought until I get to the real fear. Once I find the real fear (mine is always the same -- then everyone will leave and I'll be separate from everything and, inevitably, I will die). That might seem dreadful to some, but I find it liberating. I am going to die and the more peace I can make with it, the more free I will be while I am here. But even if you don't go that far, you can still get more clarity, honesty, and your actions will be less habitually reactive and more intentional because you understand where you are coming from. 

My invitation this week is whenever you experience something difficult, or you notice that there is some story you are telling yourself, to ask, "is it true and am I sure" and get compassionately curious about yourself. We have all the wisdom we need. What do we really know if we lean in enough to listen with an open heart and mind? Does he really not care about me if he didn't check in today? Does it really mean I am not good at what I do because I didn't fill that workshop? Will my kids really have no future if their only real interest is playing Minecraft these days? No. So what is it, Jean, that's really eating at you (what else is true)? Oh that! Well that I can have compassion for; let's be with that.

May your week be full of truths that lead you to compassion and love.

Be Santa Claus All Year

My teenage daughter and I took a walk the other day. She stopped at a beautifully full cherry blossom tree, pulled off a few blossoms and handed them to me. In the same week, a friend's husband offered his time and insight in an area where I could use some direction. Another friend is excited to help me launch a project that feels far-fetched to me, but she has complete confidence I can do it.


What keeps coming to the forefront of my attention these days is generosity. When I think of the word, some part of me associates it with money. I'm not sure why. The most generous acts I have been the recipient of in my life were not made with money. They were made by someone's presence, words, gestures, touch. The impact of these often simple acts was profound.

I think of my 8th grade English teacher responding to some painful words I shared about myself in the weekly journal he asked us to keep after getting our class pictures back. His words changed that year for me. I think of getting cut from an audition from a dance company I so desperately wanted to be in. I was walking through Union Square to the subway in the rain crying when a stranger stopped me to let me know that the sash to my raincoat was dragging on the ground and then asked if I was okay. I think of people who take the time to write back to me and thank me for something I said that touched them. These are acts of generosity. When people offer their presence, love, support, even a simple smile, its worth is much greater than any dollar value I can give it. The number of generous acts I receive would be impossible for me to count. They happen everyday.

This week I find myself asking why I don't practice simple acts of generosity even more. It is so easy to give and so enjoyable to do. Giving can be as simple as recognizing and appreciating another’s qualities, talents, goodness. To simply say, “wow, you’re really skilled at that," or "wow, that must have taken a lot of effort" is to see in another what they might not see in themselves because we tend not to see ourselves so clearly. Why not offer whatever we can to bring joy, reassurance, confidence, care, inspiration to another? A better question might be -- what fear gets in the way of our doing that? If we can tend to that fear, we will be much more free to give.

This isn't the reason to be generous...but, it is so rewarding! Simply said, it feels good to give because it takes us out of self-centeredness and into our inter-connection with all things. We can train ourselves in doing this -- to see the goodness in others more often than not and make note of it. Seeing through this lens is a choice. It may take some re-learning how to see and some undoing of the protective armor that gets built up in a competitive culture and a false belief in scarcity over abundance. But, we can and the process alone can be so liberating. We don't have to give away all our possessions to be generous. We don't have to give away money to be generous. We can be generous in ways much more profound and it may be as simple as a word or a gesture. Some people I know have this down and to them I am grateful as they show me the way again and again.

A simple practice for this week:
In the morning, think through who you will come in contact with that day and for each person, stranger or not, what can you say or what gesture can you make that will brighten that person's day, even just a little. What might you see and acknowledge in them that they might otherwise miss? And be sure to carry it out -- say the words, make the gesture without anything expected in return. Enjoy being "Santa Claus" every day because we can. We have a bottomless satchel of gifts we can hand out.

This week, I welcome you to join me in deepening generosity as yet another practice that can be a gateway to living a joyful, connected, and meaningful life.

Finding Center

This week's theme has everything to do with turning toward ourselves to feel grounded, solid, and centered. How do we get to that place where, despite what might be swirling in our personal or universal orbit, we feel steady in ourselves? What things can we do that will remind us of what really matters and that we can connect to right now? 

In those moments when the ground starts to feel shaky underneath us, here's a simple exercise you can take yourself through. I encourage you to try it on for size now so that you can remember to use it later. Or maybe today is the perfect time to use it.

1. Start by listing what you value (compassion, kindness, acceptance, fairness, honesty, equality, etc.). You might keep this list somewhere you can refer to.
2. Ask yourself if you are applying those values toward yourself right now. "Am I being compassionate with myself? Kind to myself? Fair to myself?" Notice if there is anywhere you are not applying your own values toward yourself and let yourself apply them now. Bring in compassion or bring in fairness, etc. (Walk the walk.)
3. Take the challenge that is before you which is causing your earth to tremble and ask, "If I come back to what I value (what I know to be fundamentally true and important) and remember that it is resides inside me, not without, can I ground myself there?" Can I trust these values are what brings stability, centeredness, fearlessness?
4. If you find it hard to feel grounded in your values, see which ones you might not be applying toward yourself that need strengthening. For example, if I value fairness, but I am holding myself up to impossibly high standards I wouldn't hold others up to, can I adjust the bar and be fair to myself? Where is the weak link that we need to nurture so that when the ground is quaking, we can rest in ourselves and "remember who we are."

Wishing you all the faith and trust in yourself you need to flourish through the week. 

🙏🌸
Jean

Do You Have Permission?

The nature of our wanting-mind or desiring-mind is that it is never full. Its hunger is never satiated. The illusion it creates is that we need something more and once we get it, then we will be full. A part of us really believes it, too. Unfortunately, that satiation is temporary. We will crave again. This isn't good or bad, it's just what is and when we can recognize it, we can help ourselves avoid suffering. 

To recognize desiring-mind doesn't mean that we deprive ourselves of what we want or that we don't get to enjoy whatever it might be. But if we can understand its changing nature and we can then lean into what we are looking to fill underneath that one desire. We can still choose to go after what we want, but we can do it with the awareness that it won't be the end and that what we really want, we already have access to inside of us.

Does this sound familiar? "If I only arrive at that place where… 
…my career is just the way I want it.
…my children are happy and on a 'good' path. 
…my house is orderly, comfortable, and forever clean. 
…my body is strong, lean, and pain free. 
…or my finances are what I think they should be...well then I will be content." 
 
That's the illusion and it feels so tempting to believe. But, like you, my higher self knows differently. She has seen, time and time again, just how unhappy people are with all of those things in place. So. what do we do when we hear the Sirens call -- those magical women in Ulysses who would lure men to steer their ships into rocks? Do we strap ourselves down as Ulysses did to avoid the temptation? 
 
We could and often we try with diets, budgets, periods of abstinence (from drinking, social media, sex, shopping, etc.), resolutions, only to find that we can't keep it up. Of course we can't. We are human. It's not a "bad" thing. That same wanting-mind can get us out of unhealthy situations, can create much needed change, can be the motivator for action and movement. But, if wanting to feel whole, complete, satisfied, full, is what we ultimately want, is there another way? How about having your own permission to receive?

I invite you to try this on... When someone compliments you, are you able to receive it without justifying it, downplaying what they noticed, passing credit on to something/someone else, disbelieving it? When you are offered an opportunity, do you take it or turn it down and keep going (out of fear) without pausing to take in all of what made the opportunity possible? Do you receive a degree, complete a project, get a promotion, start a new venture and forget to stop and appreciate what you accomplished and all that brought it to fruition (the people, conditions, efforts of others)? Do you awake and forget that the rising sun is a gift we get to let in? This struggle is a gift waiting to be understood? 

I know I have done all of these things. One of the many blessings of maturing is that I am steadily remembering what I think we are born knowing (until fear sets in). I am whole already. The gifts are constantly coming. I get in my own way by not receiving them. It's not because I am not grateful, but because I have contracted out of fear. 
 
To receive we need our own permission and it requires that we are open. If you throw a ball at a concrete wall, it will bounce back with force. The wall can't receive it. But if we throw a ball into an open glove, into a soft pillow, it will be received. We are no different. To feel full, we need to let ourselves receive. The gifts are already here. Abundance is already here. Fear keeps us from it and causes a self-perpetuating story of "not enough." We can start by receiving ourselves -- our own gifts, our talents, our resiliency, our creativity, our bodies. Then we can receive what is around us in all its forms. They didn't just get there. So much made this moment possible. 

When we love what's already here, we find there is an endless supply of what we need. We can give ourselves permission to receive and slow down to take it in -- all of what brought it to be.

Will desiring-mind go away? Probably not for me. But that's okay because I know that I can return, as many times as I need, to the present moment and reconnect to what's here. I can work through the fear and re-open. Receiving is a practice. In every moment we are receiving (this breath, this sound, this feeling, this sensation, this thought, this experience of being alive).

Wishing you a full week and all the permission you need to receive it.

🙏🌷
Jean

P.S.  Meditation gives us that training to stop and feel full from what's here. The trick is to practice when you feel good and when you don't. Drop-in meditations on Zoom continue every Tuesday & Friday morning and every Sunday evening. Be a part of a community that values the present moment.

Welcome It All

One day last week I found myself going down a slippery slope of shame. When I got enough clarity to name the feeling as shame, I asked what I was ashamed of. When I heard the answer, I spent about three hours feeling not so great until some more insightful part of me intervened and asked, "Why are you not allowed to feel that? All humans experience this. There is nothing wrong with it." I was judging the feeling and that created shame. But realized that if I had allowed myself to have the feeling and let it be a normal process, it wouldn't have gotten stuck at all. 

When we feel frustration or anger with ourselves, shame, or depression, we can know that some part of ourselves has not been welcomed. If we can be honest with ourselves, we recognize that as humans we are capable of all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And this is when we'll often label them as good/bad, right/wrong.

It's those labels that cause us suffering. We are capable of doing harm, just like we are capable of loving. We are capable of anger and joy. We can be jealous and we can be generous, etc. We can let it be okay. We ALL feel these things. This doesn't mean that we have to act on what we are feeling, but we can recognize it and allow for it without shame. I can be angry, not act on my anger, and not feel ashamed for being angry. I can feel desire, not act on my desire, and recognize that we all have times of wanting.

We all are instruments of goodness and we all cause harm. It's only when we make ourselves or others wrong, or even right (if something is "right" then something else must be "wrong"), that we actually cause suffering. Guilt and/or shame comes in and judgment of others is inevitable. When we can instead be with "what is" rather than with our judgement on "what is," we experience much greater flow and connection, more acceptance and letting go, more presence with the life that is here. 

The irony is if we embrace all the parts of ourselves, not just what we deem as "good" we will be living more genuinely, with greater peace, and more happiness. We will also be less quick to jump on the bandwagon of judging other's actions because we know that if the conditions were there for us, we are capable of that, too.

My invitation this week is that when you find yourself judging a feeling, get curious. What are you not "allowed" to experience? What shifts did you make? If you remember that we are of the nature to feel all kinds of things. They are all of value. We don't have to leave anything out, rather we can welcome it all and leave judgement at the door.

Being With A Feeling vs. Acting On A Feeling

Happy Passover and Happy Easter to all those who are celebrating! This week I am adapting the talk I gave from Sunday night's meditation to share here. I would love to hear if you find this simple reframe useful. Feel free to write to me!

When difficult feelings arise in me what I notice is that I can respond to what’s there or I can be with what's there. We all have a habitual tendency to take action or do something about it first. This is especially true when we have a negative feeling. But rather than respond immediately, what we can do is meet it and really be with it. This movement of self-compassion gives us permission to pause. It allows us to shift our perspective and change the energy surrounding the situation or feeling. 

You can try it on right now. Say the words, “being-with” a feeling versus “acting-on” a feeling. They feel different in my body when I say them. They're both valid. When we meditate we are with alone with ourselves. Which is why it can be uncomfortable, especially if we have a loud self-critic! This idea that we can be with anything can help.

Take a Mindful Pause for a Moment:

• Come back to your breathing. 
• Call up a feeling that has been present lately. It could be something that arose today or something lately that keeps announcing itself. Name the feeling. Once you’ve identified it, now try on the two different ways you can approach it. 
• Try on doing something about it. What would that be (talking myself out of it, coming up with a solution, making it seem not so bad, blaming)? What energy in the body does that bring? Now, let that go. 
• Start over and name the feeling again. This time try on being with it instead. This might look more like confirming its presence: “yes, I know you are there; of course you are there; this is a hard feeling to have; I’m with you.” Let go of changing it or needing to do anything and simply be with it. Let there be a “we" -- we are in this.” What does this feel like in your body? Does it feel different from acting-on?

Sometimes a small reframing of something can change the experience of it. Give it a try.

The Mindfulness of Boundaries

Dear Friends,

Over the past couple of weeks in A Mindful Life we have been exploring a subject that never stops presenting itself in life…boundaries. The word itself can carry a weight of negativity, but I when I dive into the subject with everyone, it’s one that brings great awareness, clarity, and kindness to our ability to relate to all kinds of things. Whether the boundary is within ourselves or someone else, a group, our job, a habit…we can prevent suffering simply by getting clear on our needs and limits. 

To establish boundaries, we have to be honest and clear with ourselves. If we don’t know our own needs, or if we don’t allow ourselves to have needs (a big issue among caretakers), how can we relate to anything that has the potential to get a lot more messy? If we don't set a boundary because we’re afraid of the other people’s reaction, (the fear that we’ll be rejected, abandoned, or make them angry), then we first need to work on the fear in ourselves. 

Mindfulness teaches how to be with our fear and how to take care of it with compassion so that it can shift. We can also bring in compassion and understanding when we recognize the needs of others. Even if we are saying no or creating a limit, we can meet whatever it is mindfully and with kind attention. We also get to recognize that part of ourselves that all too often thinks we’re responsible for another person’s happiness. The false notion that if we don’t meet their needs, that we are to blame. We feel guilty, selfish, or not enough. When we do that, we’re not giving the other person credit for having the ability to cope, find a way, be resilient, and capable on their own! 

My invitation to you this week is to ask yourself, “Where is there a boundary issue that may need attention?” A good place to start is to see if there are any places right now in your life where resentment or anger arises. Are there relationships that feel taxing or disrespected/disregarded? Is there a relationship where we get overly involved in the other person’s business? Or maybe if we find ourselves saying “yes” or “no” more often than we really want to? 

We can make boundaries too rigid where they get in the way of us having experiences or too soft, causing frustration. A boundary issue can be there in simple ways like over-sharing when it isn’t appropriate. Or expecting those closest to us to act or behave a certain way just because we have been around each other for so long. For example, “Of course they’ll stop what they’re doing to tend to my question immediately if I call from the other room.” In this pandemic when we’re home and together for so much time, this can be an easy one to relate to! Sometimes we get too comfortable and lose the distinction between ourselves and others. 

Once you can identify the issue, try to:

• Gently explore what your needs are and what gets in the way of expressing them. What’s it like to draw a line and name your needs?

 

• Welcome whatever comes. It has insight and you have your own wisdom to take care of any fears that are there. What would you say from your years of experience in living to comfort those old fears?

• Try expressing what you need from a place of kind, thoughtful intention. It will likely come out differently and not as rigid, angry, or demanding. I learned from Inner Relationship Focusing teacher Ann Weiser Cornell, to ask myself what I am saying “yes” to when I say “no.” Sometimes just sharing what we are saying “yes” to helps both of us connect to the healthy intention behind it and allows the other to relate.

Mindful awareness is at the crux of it all. The more awareness we have, the more we can slow our habitual reactions down. The more we can be present to what’s uncomfortable and take care of ourselves, the more we understand what we need. The more clear and loving our actions are and our relationships to all things will be. 

Let’s celebrate mindful boundaries. When we slip or forget to check in with ourselves, feel that contraction of resentment, or when we cross others (as we surely will at times), we can repair and begin again. Without shame or guilt, but with insight and grace.

A new month is here, and spring is coming along with more vaccines. This is something to celebrate! Wishing you all a beautiful week.

Jean

P.S. This is the week to register for new segments of A Mindful Life. I am looking for 4 to join the Wednesday 11:15 am group next week and if that time does not work, reach out because there may be space in some of the other groups.