How Much Is Enough?

I finished facilitating three groups on this Monday morning and by the time I got to 12:30 I felt the exhaustion of a lifelong feeling of not being enough descend upon me. I know it well. We (this feeling and I) are on such familiar terms that there is no real intrigue at her arrival. No introductions are needed. She walks right in as if it is her house and plops her bags in a bedroom inferring that she's staying for a while. 

I sat down at my desk and asked myself a familiar question. How would I know what enough is? What, for example, would be enough approval? What would be enough success? What would be enough money, love, friendship, beauty, strength, support, you name it? I appreciate the question because it asks me to get curious and not simply accept some preconceived or erroneous idea of what it is.

Nothing outside of me can define it, so I must.

How do I know that what I just offered in a group or a class or a private session is good enough? How would you know that your writing, your parenting, your work is enough? I could base it on the comments I get back. Someone says the workshop was helpful or that they feel more at ease or grounded. I could base it on people returning. I could base it on new people coming in. But sometimes, despite any or all of that, I can still doubt my worth. So that tells me it's not what's coming or not coming from outside, it's what I am giving myself from inside. It's like the soaker hoses people install in their gardens. You might not see it because it's buried just beneath the mulch, but it's slowly watering the plants. Our critic can be deceptively watering judgement into our soil causing our leaves to droop.

The only way out of this feeling that I know is to practice deliberate acts of self-kindness more often. What does that look like?

1. I can pause to acknowledge what I just accomplished and everything that went into my doing it. Rather than simply move on to the next task. I can let what I did digest and honor my effort, presence, courage, commitment -- whatever it took to do the thing, no matter what the thing was (large or small).

2. I can take in, with gratefulness, the positive feedback I did receive and not shrug it off, downplay it, or fail to hear it. When I neglect this feedback, I not only do a disservice to myself, but I reject the gift that is being freely given by someone and that is something I know I don't want to do. It doesn't feel good to the person and why would I deny myself their gift? 

3. I can ask myself if what I gave was something that comes from a value of mine. Most likely it did. That alone lets me know that what I offered, and who I am in offering it, is enough. I can trust in that.

My invitation this week...whenever you sense the doubt of being enough, take out some paper and write, or talk aloud on these three prompts. Hear your own wise counsel and take refuge in knowing you are enough just as you are.  Only you can define your worth.
❤️🙏

Jean

Letting Go

It is the season of letting go. Some leaves fall when they are still green; some leaves fall once they have completely transformed their color; some leaves fall along with the others; some leaves linger as long as they can; some leaves hang on until spring comes and new growth pushes them off. Some fall quickly to the ground and some meander down in swaying curves. Some get carried by the wind and others get carried by a stream or river. All the leaves eventually let go, showing us that there is no one way to do it. They have much to teach us about the process.

We use the term "letting go" often in meditation. But what does it really look like to let something go? It can sound so easy or methodical, but it rarely is. On Sunday night I shared my current layer of letting go. It often happens in layers. We shed a whole skin and live in that new suit for a while, until we are ready to shed another. I invite you to have a listen to the talk, but even if you don't, you can still try on this week's pause...

This fall, what do you want to let go of? What holds you back, keeps you in resentment, sadness, anger, physical pain, or stuck? What keeps you from feeling free? Anxiety has a lot to say on that matter, so if you are feeling anxious it can be a good place to start. What's underneath it that needs releasing? It's okay if you feel as though you already did it and it "shouldn't" still be there needing to let go. All it means is that there is yet another layer ready to fall away in time.
Naming it is the first step. From there, letting go has to happen in the mind, in the body and in the heart. Skipping one doesn't work. Here are some journaling/reflection prompts on all three.

1. What does my mind need to let go of here? Is there another way of perceiving what has gone on that incorporates who I am now, not who I once was? What is true now?

2. Where in my body am I holding this? Drop out of thinking and into sensing with this one. What does it feel like (describe it in colorful detail)? Now that I know it, what does my body need me to do to really let go, to relax, to stop contracting? If I were to sit, stand, move in the ways it needs me to, what would that feel like? Or, if it needs me to stop altogether, what would that be like?

3. What does my heart, or what does love, have to say about this? This will be the voice of kindness, compassion, and understanding coming through. Move away from processing intellectually and drop into something deeper and more knowing.

This is just a start, but it can be part of the process that's often a life-long one. Forgiveness works in the same way. So much freedom lies here.

Wishing you a peaceful path to Thanksgiving!
🙏🧡

Jean

Sensing Beyond The Details

After a conversation in my morning group, I'm feeling inspired to write more on a way of viewing that I am finding more and more helpful in my life. I am going to try my best to explain it, though it might be clumsy.

I’m realizing that the practices I’ve learned that have been most helpful to me all have this one thing as a component. That one thing asks me to step out of the details of an issue and sense beyond them to find out what it is I really need to know. When I get caught in the details, for example, this happened and then this happened; she said that and I responded with this, and then this other thing went on -- when I do this, the benefit is that I get all of that out of me which can be somewhat cathartic, but I rarely find that the relaying of all that information helps me to feel any better. I’m still left with it. Nothing is transformed or seen in a new way.

When I catch myself getting bogged down in the details of what happened, or is happening, and pause to check in and see beyond the details -- what the whole thing feels like, or what the whole thing wants me to know, or what my higher, more experienced self knows about the whole of it, I get to see a perspective I might not have otherwise. More insights arise and more possibilities emerge.

Sometimes we do need to have someone who can listen to all of what went on. There’s some relief in having someone witness the intricacies of our experience, but if we really want to transform what’s weighing on us there is this other way. It’s a mindful practice because it requires a pause, more silence to be able to listen deeper, and an openness to sensing and hearing what else we know that may be beyond words and has a felt sense. It often comes out as an image or a physical feeling, an inner knowing that comes from the heart and the mind processing something together. It’s not the linear intellect at work, but something more holistic.

The best way to understand this is probably to try it on for yourself. You can do this alone (I find it helpful to talk out loud if I’m alone so that I can hear myself clearly).

• Name an issue that you are facing in your life right now. It might be something big, but it doesn’t have to be. Just find a word or phrase that captures the issue without giving details
• Step back from it and name it again by saying, “there’s this issue here.” And now that you’ve clearly identified it, what is the feeling around the whole of it? You don’t have to take the first answer that comes to mind, but hear it and see if that’s really it. If it is, great, but if that isn’t quite it, try on some others and see what else you find that captures it. It might be more than one feeling, or maybe it’s a sensation, or an image might come. Again, step back and repeat it back, there’s this issue and the whole thing feels like ___. Take a breath to make room for the feeling/sensation/image.
• Now ask, “if I let go of the details around it all (what happened, the “shoulds” of it, the judgements, the shock, the need for answers), coming from love, what is most important for me here?” Let yourself slow down. This part may take more time exploring as you try on the answer that comes and see if that’s it or maybe there is something more. But you’ll know you’re onto something when you feel a sense of “yes, that’s it” (or your head nods in affirmation). Once you hear the thing you need to hear, name it again and don’t feel the need to do anything more. Let just that much digest.

That’s it. How did that feel? How does the whole thing feel now? What I find is that after that, there’s a deep breath that comes. I’m no longer caught in what went on and what I have to do with it, rather I now know what’s inside it all and that will eventually inform me of what I might need to do next. And, if you imagine doing it the other way -- relaying all of the details of the issue -- what’s the difference? How does it feel different in your body, the energy of it? It’s always good to compare so that you know the difference and then can choose which way you want to approach something. They are both valid, but have different end results.

If you did try this on, I would love to hear your experience. What did you notice? How is it different for you? Feel free to drop me an email.

Wishing you all a beautiful November week.
🙏🧡
Jean

Releasing Pressure In The Present Moment

 

Happy November!

I'm just back from a weekend in the country. We usually miss peak foliage when we go, but this year it was later than usual and though we had some rain, it was a beautiful weekend of color and rest. My dear sangha member, Carl, once shared that to help with those transitions of returning from a trip he remembers to say, "thank you." Since he shared that practice, both my husband and I have been doing that as we pack the car to leave. Gratitude gives me something to lean on in those moments when it feels hard to let go.

Then, I lean into myself to listen to why it feels hard to return. What comes to the surface is not the conditions I'm returning to -- I love what I do, who I'm around, my kids are content and easy, but the pressure I put on myself...it can be enough to keep anyone from wanting to return. I know I'm not alone in this. 

I recently had a week where I was able to let it go. It might have been the first time in my life where I experienced what that feels like and it was deeply liberating. And then I lost it. In the shuffle of getting my office back up and running, post flood, an audit, and having to make many decisions, it got swept away like a fallen leaf being carried downstream.

Pressure is something I feel when I am caught in the future. It actually doesn't have to do with the present moment. I feel it in the present moment, but it's caused by expectation which has me leaning into the future. In the present moment, what's going on is simply what's going on. If I stay right here, I'm actually okay (often more than okay). To get to this clarity though, I have to talk myself through it -- what's actually here. I say it out loud or make a list in my journal. But that alone, while it brings me perspective and clarity, won't take care of the feeling. I then need to drop into compassion for myself and for all beings who experience this sense of pressure, because it is hard and it is very human. We don't get through life without experiencing this. Anyone who says otherwise isn't really living here. All we can do is practice "coming home" to ourselves right now and recall our connection to everything (also known as love), which we can easily forget.

My invitation this week is to recognize when you are feeling pressure (pressure of being, having and doing enough, which is one of my favorite books A Life of Being, Having, and Doing Enough by Wayne Muller) and pause to get clear in the present moment and to find compassion for this human condition that none of us get to escape, but all of us can meet with grace. Simply place your hand on your heart and take a handful of breaths feeling the warmth and tenderness of your own hand. Be a friend to yourself. 

Wishing you a beautiful November. Happy Diwali for those of you celebrating!

🙏🍁

Jean

Seeing With Soft Eyes

I'm sorry I missed a week of offering you A Mindful Pause. I had more on my plate that needed tending to, but I am back this week with a pause on how we see. If you are in a place with changing seasons, it is a time of color and a great opportunity to try on this week's pause. But, even if you are not seeing colorful leaves where you are, this can still apply anytime, anywhere. 

I have been focusing lately on slowing down, doing less, being more present, and letting go (as best I can) of the habit of multi-tasking. One of the tools we can use to be more present is to see with "soft eyes." What does that mean? The best way I can explain it is to describe the difference. When I see with soft eyes, my vision is more open. I see more peripherally than I would if I was deeply concentrated and focused on a specific object, task, or direction. When we are on a computer, like I am right now, my gaze is narrowed and specific. But, if I turn away from the computer and allow my eyes to gently open more to their full range I see more color, light, and my whole being tends to soften. I take an easier breath. I relax. 

When I am busy and task oriented, I tend to get more narrow in my vision, which can be helpful in keeping me focused and concentrated, but if I stay that way even when I complete a task, I end up missing the beauty and the fullness of what is here. I remember when I lived in NYC and walked that fast pace that goes with city living, I would remind myself to look up and see more than just the direction I was going. The tops of so many city buildings are full of details that we can miss. Of course, I didn't want to seem like a tourist, but a tourist's eyes are fresh, so why not?

My invitation this week, when you can remember, is to soften your gaze. Especially when you are outside walking, but even as you move through your house, or when you are sitting in a room with your family in it, all doing different things. See what it feels like to widen your field of vision by softening in the corners of your eyes, behind your eyes, between your eyes. Let go of the furrowed brow and let the colors, light, and movement fill you and see how it subtly changes how you feel inside. Or even when you are talking with someone, what if you see them more softly, what does that do to your experience of them?

🙏
Jean

We Are Not Just This

In mindfulness meditation we learn the tool of "naming" or "labeling" to help us create some space from the thoughts or feelings that arise. When we can name it, it's not all of us. It's as if we take a step back from it so that we can see it. It's like looking at a painting. If we go right up to it we can't see what it is, we just see splotches of color, but when we move back we get clarity as we see it's whole form.

Our thoughts and feelings can be like big blobs of color that we can get lost in, sometimes happily so and sometimes painfully so. We can get caught up in the color. But, when we can name what's there, it becomes separate from us; it's not all of us, even if it feels like a large part. We know there is more to us than just that, even if it is the loudest at the moment. This can be helpful because we don't have to react from that color. We can be aware of it, feel it, and know that it will change, as all things change. Or, if it's pleasant, naming it can help us not attach in the ways that will cause us future pain. This is the useful part of naming/labeling in meditation. But, there is another way we can label ourselves in our lives that is not so helpful.

Do you tend to make statements about yourself in any of these ways:
I am ___________ (ex. insert any condition, diagnosis). I'm  ___________ (ex. insert any generalized description -- conservative, liberal, athletic, klutzy). I'm an anxious person. I'm too sensitive. I'm a procrastinator. I'm bad at __________ (ex. relationships, boundaries, self-care). I have a bad __________ (ex. back, knee, hip, neck, digestion, etc.). I'm lazy. I'm a perfectionist. You get the idea.

We can so easily name ourselves as one thing or another. I tend to do it with my back. I'll catch myself say, "I have a bad back." It's not true though. I have a great back. It has a ton of muscle and strength AND what else is true is that I often experience pain, which has become a life long process of getting to understand. My back is a part of me that I am in relationship with and constantly evolving with. When I say I have a bad back. It becomes me. Jean and her bad back. That statement feels permanent; it feels like I am broken; it feels bad. I'd prefer to say I'm working with the pain in my back so I can understand what it needs and feel better. It's a kinder way to think of myself and I'm on my side -- all the sides of me.

The problem with calling ourselves one thing or another is that when we classify ourselves as something, it stops there. Like putting a period at the end of a sentence. It has finality to it and leaves little room for there to be more than that or for it to evolve and change. It happens with trauma....we become the trauma. As if it defines us. Or some past history that we keep holding onto as if that's all there will ever be because it comes to the surface at times. We don't have to limit ourselves this way. The shift in the way we defines ourselves in our speech and thinking is simple and it's a kinder way of being. It allows for us to be more a more full, complex, and constantly changing human being, which we are.

My invitation this week is to notice when you name yourself as being this or that and see what happens if you let it go and instead say something like, I'm experiencing ______ or I'm feeling _______, remembering that you are not ________ itself. It doesn't define you. How does that shift in language and way of seeing open up what is possible? With practice, it can free us from being stuck and limited to some idea we adopted about ourselves or were told by someone else (doctor, therapist, coach, teacher, family member). We are not "just this." We are so much more.

🌻
Jean

The Choice In Every Moment

Do you know the feeling of being deeply passionate about something and desperately wanting to share it, but not knowing how to pass it on in a way that captures the depth of it? I feel this way about this very subject. Here's my feeble attempt...

Just like we get to choose which pumpkin we want out of all of the pumpkins, we get to choose in every moment how we spend that moment or what kind of energy we bring to it. Think about how amazing that is! I get to choose if I'm going to open Instagram, or The New York Times, or simply take a sip of tea. I get to choose if I am going to pick up the phone and chat with my sister, or go in the kitchen and get a snack, or finish the bookkeeping that's sitting here on my screen. I get to choose how many times I open my email, or if now is the right time to search for that perfect hair catcher for the bathtub on Amazon. I even get to choose how deep or shallow this next breath is. We talk so much about how things are out of our control, but look at how much is in our control and how what we choose dictates our happiness. The thing is, it's not that there isn't enough time, which is often what it feels like, it's how we are using it and how we are moving it through it that changes our experience of it. 

While we do have choices, we are also subject to a great deal of manipulation by advertisers and big tech corporations, therefore it requires a certain strength of focus and commitment to not get swept into the current of what they want for us. But, ultimately, it is up to us to decide what we give our energy to. Being aware of that choice is the first step in reclaiming our lives from the hectic, frenetic pace of busyness and making it a pace we enjoy. One where there is space and plenty of time. 

When I get caught in busyness and the feeling of rushing, or not having enough time, I feel contracted; my vision is narrowed; my muscles are tense. I know that I may experience an adrenaline rush when I feel busy or constantly on the go, but  when this becomes more the norm than not, our body starts to break down. Our nervous system gets taxed. I know this is not the way I want to live. If you find yourself in agreement, I invite you to join me in making changes and committing yourself to another way of being. But it takes diligence and commitment. There is no other way. No drink, pill, smoke, food, no amount of sex, shopping, exercise, fame, or money will lead you there. Just your choice to slow down, be present, do less and appreciate will give you more of the life you crave. Here is what I have been working with:

1) Slowing down my movements.
~ In a very concrete physical way, I'm changing my pace when I walk (in the house, to the car, in the grocery store.)
~ Putting the dishes away with more care (I've been trying to make less noise!).

2) Breathing more fully.
~ This sounds obvious for me to say, but I am making conscious what happens unconsciously and choosing to take fuller breaths because I can. I do it when I'm thinking, writing, just sitting, washing the dishes, drying my hair, going to the bathroom, anywhere! 
~ Taking a handful of deep breaths when I get in bed. Breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 7, breathing out for 8 and repeating through my nose.
~ Taking a handful of deep breaths first thing when I awake.

3) Doing less and rushing less.
~ The big trick here is giving myself permission to put less in my schedule and not feel badly about it. 
~ Organizing my time, so I get out of the house with less stress.
~ I'm driving slower. Sorry if I don't floor it when the light turns green. Let the NJ honking begin! I've been going back to the phrase Thich Nhat Hanh coined -- "The car and I are one; when I go fast, the car goes fast."

4) Changing my relationship to social media, news and email.
~  I took off all notifications so that I choose when I go on and am not manipulated to going on. 
~ More importantly, I'm simply stopping myself. My instinct is to pick up my phone and swipe. I catch myself and just stop. How empowering!

5)  Practicing self-kindness in small gestures.
~  At night and in the morning when I am washing up in the bathroom, I will look in the mirror at my reflection and smile. A simple, small, genuine smile in acknowledgment of the courage it takes to live. I see myself in a different way and I appreciate who I see. 
~ When I wash my body in the shower, I imagine myself washing away things that don't serve me...washing away fear, self-doubt, feeling not enough, etc. It feels kind and brings me into the present as the water falls and rolls down my skin.
~ When I take any supplements, drink my lemon water in the morning, eat my meals, I imagine them all as doing the work of nourishing my body. This moves it from a mindless task to an intentional act of care.

6) Sensing more. When we are sensing ourselves we are in the present moment. Mostly, I have been bringing my attention to touch. I'm paying attention to how I open the cabinet, twist the top off a bottle, feel the towel as I dry off my legs, feel the click of the keys on my keyboard, the touch of my face as I put on moisturizer. This may sound funny, but as a massage therapist I rarely got a manicure because there was no point. Last week, I specifically got my fingernails painted to help me practice being more gentle with my touch.  It's working :)

These small shifts done in a day feel liberating and add so much more peacefulness. I wish you to have that experience, too. What are the things you enjoy doing that you could savor more by doing them slowly, with more presence? What are everyday tasks you do that you could do slower and with more care? What small kindnesses can you offer yourself? How can you bring yourself into sensing more? I welcome you to share with me what you discover. Most important is to know that to really make a shift you have to stay with it. Be steadfast in your practice and it will serve you. At least, that is what I am finding and I don't want to go back to the old way. The choice is in every moment.

🙏
Jean

Does Your Productivity Dictate Your Value?

When the pandemic was at its peak here I didn't experience what some people did -- a sense of too much time without somewhere to go or something to do. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I felt too busy during the past year and a half. It's only now, because of certain conditions, that I have had more open space and time. As I spoke about last night in meditation, (see the recording below), it has me questioning what it means to be productive and, if I am more productive, am I of more value? Do they have to go together? 

What I am learning is that the less "productive" I am, the more fully I get to experience what's here. To be less productive feels more productive in the ways that actually matter to me. Don't get me wrong, I still find it challenging to let myself do less, to have that permission. I am retraining myself. The challenge is an exciting one as I discover, in a deeper way, how I can let myself go slower, be more present in my actions and words, move with more ease and grace and trust that it all works out better that way. That's the key -- trusting. If I value living this way, then I will live better and if I live better, I will have "more," not less. In that scenario, everything has greater value.

I'm working on it. And if you feel so inspired, I welcome you to join me this fall. My invitation to you this week is to read this and maybe even listen to the short talk below and see what arises in you around how much you do and what you believe about your productivity and self worth. Is there any part of you that calls out to change the way you have organized yourself in this regard? What would it take to shift that mindset to be more aligned with what you value. Don't get caught in the details or the "how" of it. At first, just feel in your body what it would be like and let the feeling motivate you. Then, try on one small action. Maybe you walk slower every time you walk to your car or the train this week. Or maybe you take three deep breaths before you hop out of bed in the morning, before you do anything else. Maybe you look at your week and eliminate something from it. Maybe you let some things on your to-do list that, in the grand scheme of things don't really matter, fall by the wayside.

You don't have to do it all. No one is counting points and if you think they are, this might be worth some gentle looking at. Who, in you, is counting and what's the fear underneath the counting? If we tend to the fear by leaning into it, the part thats counting just might take a break. With compassion, we can rewire our organization to productivity so that it feels healthier, kinder, happier to our bodies and minds. If I can assist you in this process, please let me know.

🍁
Jean

Photo by Emily Feinsod

Savoring

Wednesday brought with it the start of fall. It's a season of colors, layers, pumpkins and apples, warmer foods and spices, walks in the woods, and the process of letting go. Rather than rush through it, we can choose to savor the season. Because it is also a very busy time, I know that for me to savor it requires more conscious thought or intention.

In today's Pause, I offer you a few questions that might help you drop into that intention so that you can fully take in the season and not feel like you missed out. There will only be one fall just like this one....at this particular age, with these particular people, and conditions. We can make being present for it a priority. Take five minutes and either journal or simply talk yourself through your answers.

1) What is one activity you most associate with the season that brings you joy?
Not some picture perfect idea like picking apples when you don't really like to pick apples, but something that truly brings you joy (or inspiration, connection, etc.).

2) How can you make that easy to do? Keep it simple so you can actually do it rather than have it be just a nice idea.

3) What do you most want to let go of this fall? As you name it it, how does it feel in your body? Connecting to the feeling it brings can make the motivation to do it more powerful.

4) What would help you to let go? It could be a way of being, a way of going about something, or it could be something outside of you that you want to set free. Think of it more as releasing, like a tree releases its leaves.

I welcome you to write to me with your answers if you want a witness. I am happy to receive them in confidence. 

Wishing you a beautiful start to the season.
 
🍁
Jean

Recalibrating -- It's What We Do

When I gave last week's talk at meditation, I had no idea how relevant the subject would be for what was about to come to those of us in New Jersey and New York. I was speaking on anxiety and the fear of what "might happen." On Wednesday night many of us were faced with an emergency as water and dirt flooded our homes, towns, and businesses. With a basement full of sewage, I have a new perspective on the expression, "no mud, no lotus." 

In those moments when we are not in a crisis, but are feeling anxiety flooding our system, we forget that even if such and such should happen, we would handle it in the moment. It might not be comfortable, but after the initial shock, we would take in the current conditions, recalibrate, and take the next necessary step. That's just what we do. We might first sit in a slump and feel despair, but then we move again.

In non-crisis moments, when we get caught in anxiety, we momentarily forget just how capable and resilient we are. We can strengthen that muscle in us that remembers more easily so that we can get ourselves out of that state. How?

~We practice the art of staying in the present moment. Recognizing that In the present moment, "I am breathing. I am alive. I am actually okay. Not in the the next moment, but this one right here. I can experience this." We learn that we can have all kinds of feelings and sensations and let them be just as they are without judgment. We let ourselves be in the experience and realize that we can be. 

~ We develop greater and greater gratitude. We look around and see just how much goodness there is. This is a practice just like exercising. If we don't slow down enough to savor and be awed, we can easily get stuck in the mud. Take moments today to notice what is good, inside you and around you. "In this moment, what is good is..." Name what you see out loud.

~ We remember our connection to everything that is. We aren't separate from the storms, the fires, the earth, the people we disagree with, the injustice we see. We aren't separate from the flowers, the laughter of children, the beauty of the sunset, the falling leaves. We are made of it all: people past and present, the sun, the rain, the wind, the earth. We will return to it all. If we are made of it, we don't have to fear it and we can have an impact on it by what we do, how we respond, what kindness we bring in.

~ We take time to reflect on what matters most to us on a daily basis and let that be our backbone. We have all the wisdom we need to handle what's here when we pause and listen with our body and mind together. We can stop doing for a bit and listen. 

On Thursday morning with sun and blue sky shining as if all was well in the world, I took in the news of my studio and stood looking at the basement and thought, "where do we even start with this?" I took a step and my husband took a step and gradually we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. In the process, I am mastering the art of taking cold showers, appreciating the generosity of friends who offer their homes and help, witnessing the tremendous work of the cleanup crews, the fire and police departments, the many volunteers helping the businesses in town, the utility company trying to get everyone back to normal. It is amazing. Once again I am reminded that I can't do it alone. This task of living takes community.

While I recalibrate what I can offer and how I can be a support to all of you, it is not what I wanted this fall, but it is what is needed. To help in this time, I recorded the meditation I gave on Friday morning for you. Click the link or scroll down for more. May it bring you some grounding in any unsettling times. If you are not disrupted right now, it is there for you for the moments when you will need it.

I wish you a happy Labor Day and for those of you celebrating Rosh Hashanah, I wish you a beautiful holiday. It is a perfect time to begin again. 

🌻
Jean

Being Gentle

 

To be gentle with ourselves is one of the greatest gifts we can give to the world. When we treat ourselves gently -- in our touch, in our movements, in our words, in our responses to ourselves -- we hold ourselves with the kind of reverence that acknowledges just how beautiful this life is. The added grace of it is that it radiates out to others. It just does. It comes out in our faces, in the tone of our voice, in the way we move, in our responses and interactions.

But, what does being gentle with ourselves really look like? If something in our life feels unmanageable or stuck -- in a relationship, with work, kids, finances, or something else, the last thing we may feel is gentle and that's okay. We simply start training in it. Be in it for the long haul. It takes repeated practice, but we can strengthen our self-kindness muscles and the work is well worth it.

Start simply. Take a moment to think through the ways you already are gentle with yourself. There are likely small things you do or ways you are with yourself that have this quality of care. In naming them, we deepen their effect and open the door to more ways of bringing it in.

I thought through some of what I do these days as examples to show that they aren't big, but still impactful:

~ At night when I wash up before sleep, I pull my hair back in clips off my face and I see myself in the mirror and pause there. I see my eyes and my skin, the roots of my gray coming in, the lines of age and of a life fully lived and I smile recognizing the beauty and vulnerability that is looking back at me. This is when I feel the most tender with myself.

~ In those moments when I feel I did not do well or my critic takes hold of whatever fault I may have displayed, (maybe I responded to my son or daughter in a way I regret or an approach I used in a situation didn't create connection), I recognize the pain of feeling "less than" and rather than jump on the bandwagon of shame, I feel compassion for the pain in me instead. I am going to mess up again and again. It is a part of living and it's always hard. I don't need to make it worse. Instead I say in compassionate recognition, "yes, this is hard to feel; that much is true." I don't fix it, back it up it, push it away, but allow myself to feel it and remind myself that it doesn't define me, nor will it stay.

~ I note to myself those moments when I can move slowly, or use a lighter physical touch with myself, or with an object (even the keys on this keyboard as I type), something in me shifts. I don't have to use so much force or try so hard. I feel the smoothness of the spoon in my hand, the feel of this fabric on my body, the tenderness of my own hand or someone else's. I feel more present, more conscious, more graceful and more grateful.

I'm not always gentle -- far from it. Just ask my partner and my kids. I tackle them often. They'll tell you how rough I am. But I keep practicing and right now it is one of my priorities - to be more gentle with this precious life. If it feels like something you would like more of for yourself, what might you try this week? Just one practice is enough to start the garden. It will naturally grow over time as we pay attention. Feel free to write to me and let me know.

🌻
Jean

Keep It Close

Through the month of July I felt rising excitement and inspiration alive in me. We were vaccinated, unmasked, and back together! The transformation of my A Mindful Life Studio was falling into place and I was energized to be planning the fall groups and workshops. At the same time, I was taking a 5-week course and learning new tools. I was busy, sometimes too busy, but mostly, I was excited. And then, just before we left for a week's vacation, the news started shifting to the upswing in Covid-19 cases, the threatening Delta variant, and "breakthrough" cases appearing. Something started shifting in me. I watched as my excitement turned to doubt. My plans felt threatened and my mind started churning over and over what might happen and what might be needed. It was as if an ocean wave crashed over a joyful bonfire.  

I had to coach myself through this new feeling. As I did, it became clear that my excitement and inspiration were not gone. They just got separated from me temporarily. I realize that in these time of greater uncertainty and change, I need to hold what excites me, what inspires me, and what I want to create, very close to me. It's not grasping, but taking care of the gem that is there by keeping it near to preserve its integrity because it is pure and it calls for that. The external conditions may be changing again and I may need to adapt, but I can stay true to what inspires me. This is so vital because what inspires us breathes life into us.

My invitation this week is to call up what makes you excited, alive, inspired and when you feel the drag of external conditions, or bumps in the road, starting to pull you away, pause, and call up again what originally made you light up. What created those sparks and opened possibility? Let it fill you again. Don't lose sight of what you are creating, even if the form has to shift. Hold close to you the source of your inspiration, aliveness, energy.

I'm also keeping in mind what is good. What is good is that we can still be together. We may need to mask up again to do the right thing, but that's no thing to sweat. While I was away enjoying the mountains and lakes of Mount Desert Island for a week (another thing that was so good), my studio was freshly painted. With trepidation, I opened the door on Sunday to see if what I had envisioned manifested. I walked into brightness (see pictures below). What's happening around me might be shifting in ways I wish it wasn't, but I am going forward toward the light and it sure does feel good. So much is good. I wish you all the ability to stay aligned with your vision, with what you are creating, and know that when you get separated from it (which happens), you can get back.

I am happy to be back, in all ways. Have a great August week.

🌻
Jean

Effortful or Effortless Presence?

"You don't have to work hard to be present."  I shared this line in a group one day and it caught someone's attention. Something about hearing it was a relief. I then realized that the opposite could also be true -- that it does take a lot of effort to be present. It takes a certain kind of energy to stay right here with whatever we may be doing. We explored the subject in A Mindful Life group and arrived at many of the ways presence takes energy and steadfastness, as well as how presence is about letting go and releasing control. They are both true. Below are  some of the things that we arrived at. In listing them, I am finding them to be  helpful reminders. I invite you to try them on, too. Take a breath we each one and see how they feel as you name them.

Presence can become effortless when:

• we stop trying to be something other than we are
• we let ourselves slow down and be still
• we stop leaning ahead into what the other might say or do so that we can be ready with the "right" response
• we stop resisting what is and allow what's here  
• we let go of arriving somewhere/of expectations
• we trust in others' goodness and intrinsic wisdom 
• we let go of judgement and criticism (those take a lot of effort!)
• we listen and only listen when we do
• we choose to release physical effort/contraction (habitual tension)
• we breathe more fully
• we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, make mistakes, be imperfect
• we recall our interdependence with everything when fear comes to visit 

This is a nice time of year to practice using less effort. This week, how might you allow yourself this gift of relaxing into presence? It requires us to receive and not to strive and grasp. It requires us to let go and trust that we won't be separated and that we will always be filled. What would that look like to you? When I try it on, I think of walking with a softer foot fall, using a lighter touch, listening without working on a response at the same time, following my breathing whenever I think of it; letting others in without fear because I trust in myself and the goodness of others.

Wishing you a week of easy presence and much joy.

🌻
Jean

P.S. I'm going to offer another Beginning Meditation Series in August if you want to learn the basics before the fall begins so that you can enter it with tools you can use. If you are interested, I need 5 to make it happen, so please register now so we can make it happen for you!

What Would Make This Easy?

With their tall stalks and giant, happy faces, sunflowers radiate joy to me. I've never grown them, but apparently they are one of the easiest flowers to grow. I think of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh's meditation that offers the line, "I see myself as a flower, I feel fresh." Maybe it's because of their size that they come to mind when I hear the phrase. It's as if I am looking at another face, especially since I am short and they can be at my eye level. Often their heavy heads droop from the weight, but they don't seem to mind. I wish I could be that way. When we don't feel "fresh as a flower," what can we do?

What I do is ask questions. In my morning journaling practice today, I sat with a challenge before me and I thought if I were a client of mine and they presented this issue, what would I ask? The question that came was, "what would make this easy?" I started writing on the prompt and it was as if the floodgates opened allowing all kinds of ideas to flow that I didn't know I knew.

Sometimes this is all we need to do. Ask ourselves a question, one that steps out of the mire of details and circumstance and has us think bigger. The question isn't how can I change this, or fix this, or why is this here? The question is how I can find ease in this issue just as it is. The wording has more acceptance or allowance for whatever is present and invites us to get curious about how we can meet it that would feel better to us. 

This week's invitation is to take something that is weighing on you, or presenting you with a challenge, and ask, "what would make this easy?" You might be surprised at what insights come. If you're not someone who journals, find a private space and ask it aloud to yourself and answer aloud. Keep the refrain going...what would make this easy is...Name them slowly as they come. And add a "yes," after each one... "yes, that would make it easier." When you have some clear understandings, how does it feel to take them in -- to know that you do, in fact, know what is needed? Does your energy around the issue feel any different in your body?

We have more wisdom than we often realize if we just slow down to ask ourselves the question that accesses it. If we take that time to listen, the answers will bloom as easily as sunflowers grow. I wish you all a week of ease.

🌻
Jean

P.S. Listening to ourselves is a practice. I welcome you to nurture that practice in my weekly mindfulness groups and workshops. If you need help finding the question for something specific, I offer private mindfulness consultations where we can invite your wisdom to emerge.

Do You Know That You Matter?

What is it like to hear me say to you that you matter? You, the one reading this email right now. You Matter. You matter to me, to the people who love you, to the people who don't even know you, to all the different communities you belong to (i.e. the community of your neighborhood, your gym, your office, your church, your grocery store, anywhere you go regularly). You matter to the universe because you are part of it, made of its earth, its people/your ancestors, the sun, moon, and stars.

What does that actually feel like to take it in that you are essential in what sometimes appears to be a chaotic, indifferent world? If someone says to you, "You're important to me," does it stick? Or do you believe that when you are out of sight you are out of mind?

Or do you hear it and then forget? I know I usually forget and what a drag it is for me and for the person who told me. What would it be like if you could really take it in and not forget your value? How would you move through the world differently? How would you interact differently knowing that you are cared about? What kind of care would you then bring to your interactions?

When we understand, really understand, how much we affect each other, we become more mindful of how we meet someone (or a group) and what kind of presence we bring because it matters. When we learn to treat ourselves with care and kindness we start to value ourselves more. And when we value ourselves more, we value other people more too...because we know the difference. 

When someone leaves a group of mine and they miss the last session and don't say goodbye, what I feel is sadness. I think, "They must not have known that their presence mattered to us." We do notice when you leave and the reason this is so important is that it is the basis of our fear. All fear comes down to the fear of being separated and yet what do we do? We leave and not realize that our separating has an impact. If we don't want to feel disconnected, then we need to be conscious of our connection. It's there and will always be there, but we have to take it in. Fear can then fall away.

For over a year, the Sunday night meditation group moved online throughout the pandemic. A group that started over 9 years ago, stuck together on Zoom and kept the community going even for those who could not be on Zoom, but would return when they could. Thanks to those who held it together, we are now returning with a new in-person and online hybrid form. The community is still here. It could not exist without the people who make it up. Presence matters. 

When we practice meeting ourselves with kindness, we change the world. My invitation this week is to set the intention this summer to water those seeds, strengthen those muscles, (or whatever analogy is best for you), to treat yourself with the care that you want to see in the world, and to know that your presence matters. 

🙏🌼
Jean

The Return of Busyness

I don't know about you, but I sense the busyness of life picking back up now that the pandemic is winding down here in the United States. Were you one of the many like myself who enjoyed having fewer places to get to and fewer obligations -- the simplicity of life that was mandatory for a while? Of course, no one wanted to stay in lockdown, but we learned so much about enjoying simple things in those months and many of us said we wanted to keep some of the new habits in place. But, here we are with the current getting stronger, pulling on our ankles, ready to take us into the rapids where we have to stay afloat and be carried forward again. Once we are in it, it is that much harder to grab a hold of something to resist the force. If you find yourself here, about to be swept away, I invite you to refresh yourself on how to access your anchors when you need them. You can  grab ahold of the branch alongside the river and find your footing again back on the bank. Here are some reminders:

1) We are not victims to the current. We do get to choose what we do. We all create the current that exists. Having clear boundaries in ourselves about how busy we want to be is what we can control and sets up the expectations of others. Review what you did not do during the pandemic that gave you more space, ease, greater appreciation for the ordinary things. Which of them might you like to keep implemented? To do it may require letting go of being perfect, or being all things to all people -- you might be saying "no" more and that's okay. 

2)  As I spoke about in a recent talk, this persistent myth that we don't have enough time is one we can debunk. I know I am often plagued by the feeling, but the reality is that it's when I am thinking of what else I have to do that I don't have enough time. "Not enough time" is a future thing! If I am in the moment doing what I am doing, then there is no concept of not enough time. I'm just in it. Coming back to our breathing can help. When I feel pressed for time and I start to follow my in-breath and out-breath as I move, listen, talk, write, drive, it helps me to find space in the moment. In the present moment there is always enough time.

3) Be diligent about pausing. The world won't pause for us. It's up to us. When busyness starts to set in, we think we don't have time to practice meditation or mindful reflection. It doesn't make the to do list. But this is when chaos starts. This is where drama makes its entrance on stage. Why is that? Because when we don't pause and practice, we fall back into our habitual reactions. Habitual reactions tend not to be so mindful. They are the ones we learned at a younger age. When we stop and use our awareness, we make different choices and drama has to wait in the wings. So keep your practice strong so that peace and ease are more likely to have the main roles.

In high school, I was asked to be on the cheerleading team. I turned them down. It was a hard thing for me to say "no" to someone who wanted me, especially in a new school, in a new state. I auditioned because they wanted me to, but my truth was clear... I have never been a cheerleader. So you won't see me waving pompoms, calling out, "you can do this!" It's just not me. But, I am positively here for you whenever you need support grounding yourself in your insight and wisdom. I welcome you to use my offerings to keep you diligent in your practice and dedicated to your well-being as the world picks up speed. 

🌻
Jean

Why Is It So Hard To Keep Going?

One of the biggest challenges with meditation is staying consistent with the practice. We have good intentions; we want to do it; we know it would helpful if we stayed with it, but alas, it just doesn't happen. Let's put any judgement aside because we all know meditation can be so easily put off. I'll often hear, "I can't find the time, even though I know there's no reason I can't make 5 minutes in my day." I get it. It's not so easy when our to do list is calling our name or someone else is literally calling our name. We can put our needs aside for what appears more pressing or maybe it simply calls out louder. So what helps?

There are the obvious tips:

• Commit to the same time every day and put it in your calendar (set a gentle sounding alarm 5 minutes prior to remind you). Even if it's only a 5 minute practice, schedule it.

• Notice the difference in the days you practice and the days you skip and which feels better? I find when I skip a day, I feel like I am missing something all day -- connection to myself.

• Before you go to sleep, think about the time you have reserved for meditation the following day and remember the "why of it." Why do you want to meditate? Let the "why" motivate you. We often need to remind ourselves. Some of my why's are: because I want to strengthen being present; I want to practice reacting less habitually and find that space between what arises and what I do; I want to find more space between my thoughts and come back to my body; I want to savor this moment right here; I want to slow myself down; I want to remind myself that in this very moment I am enough and this moment is enough; I am kinder to myself when I pause and let whatever is alive in me just be there. I could go on. There are all kinds of reasons to practice! What is yours? Recall it and let it be the inspiration that gets you to sit down on your cushion or chair in the morning.

• Create a space in your home, even if it is a corner of a room. Let it be your sacred space. A place where the ritual of coming to sit invites you in. Whatever cushion, chair, props, bells you need. Put a single flower there so  that it signifies this is a place where awareness, presence, compassion, peace  is possible.

AND NOW...drum roll...what I find is the most significant tip to keeping a regular meditation  practice...

Sit with a meditation group every week. Sorry if that was anti-climatic. But, really, it is no small thing and yet the commitment is no big thing either. Just show up online or  in person, however it might be  offered. When we commit to showing up to a group, we not only strengthen our practice because we have dedicated a time and place to meditate, but we also support and are supported by others who value living a mindful life. The practice matters not only to us, but to the community. That support only exists if you show up. It feeds itself. It is interdependent. We may all be in different places in our practice, but that doesn't matter. We show up to ourselves and each other. Whether we say a single word or not, our presence is felt in person or online.

Besides, the image of sitting in a cave on a mountain alone until we get enlightened...that is one way to go, but how well that prepares us to being among others and engaged in the world as it is, I am not so sure. There is no reason to do it alone. Last weekend when we were away in the country, we watched as a flock of small birds chased a hawk from tree to tree to get it to leave. We had never seen anything like it. There is strength in numbers. The same is true in mindfulness and meditation.

If you are having difficulty staying consistent with your meditation practice, know you are not alone, leave the judgement aside, and get together with others who value it, too. You will be nourished.

Jean

🙏🌼

Finding Grace

A rainy Memorial Day weekend it has been! Last week I wrote about how vital it is to take pauses and how much I was looking forward to our weekend away. If you're in the northeast you know it has rained for three solid days. Not just light rain, but non-stop, bring-it-on rain. We made the best of it in our Airbnb in Accord, New York. We rested, ate yummy food, had a lot of good laughs (especially surrounding the bats in the chimney who were highly active throughout the night), enjoyed an amazing fire (no worries -- we were told the bats would leave and return and they did). I snapped this picture of the daisies, not letting rain the deter me from pulling over on the road and enjoying the fields of flox, the wild iris, the baby deer, and the awe inspiring sight of a bald eagle as we walked along the Ashokan Reservoir. Yes, despite the rain, or maybe because of the rain, we paused even further. It was a beautiful weekend. The grace was in letting go what I wanted it to be so that I could take in what it actually was. And what it was, was a gift.

Grace. It was the theme of last week's A Mindful Life groups and I am enamored with it. Fortunately, I don't have a negative religious association with the word that gets in the way of my being able to appreciate it. I know some do. In my groups, I heard so many wonderful descriptions about what it would be like to meet something with grace. What words/feelings/images capture it for you? Someone said the word "mature" came to mind and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. I don't think I could say I handled things with grace in my 20's or even in my 30's. I'm only just now starting to get it. I think it often comes with age and it makes sense that it would. We stop fighting (with ourselves, with others, with the way we want life to be) and realize the fight is within and there is another way. To handle myself and what arises with grace is to let go, to receive, to flow, to open, to welcome, to trust and be fearless, to be grateful, to be present and generous. Grace is not hurried. Grace does not require me to be "right." Grace is not submissive, but is not forceful. Grace has clarity and intention. Grace is soft and quietly, humbly powerful. When I think of powerful leaders I admire, they all led and dealt with hardships with grace. 
These days, I find myself asking: how might I meet this issue before me with grace (this problem, confusion, obstacle, decision, relationship, etc.). The question brings me back to my highest intentions. My invitation this week is to imagine some situation you are facing and see  yourself approaching it with grace. How do you hold yourself differently, respond differently? What is the felt sense as you call it up?

When we are in the middle of a hard moment, we can't call it up instantly from imagining it once, but we can strengthen that seed in us. In listening to the people who shared in my groups, I noticed that sometimes we first need to meet ourselves with grace before we can meet a situation with it. See if that applies to you if you get stuck.

I hope you all found some ways to enjoy pausing over this long weekend. I am reminded to take one now, on this Memorial Day, to honor all of the men and women who sacrificed their lives on our behalf. Join me in honoring them with gratefulness. 

🙏🌼
Jean

Working With Fear

What's on my mind this week is fear and how it gets in the way of generosity. When we are fearful we can't be generous. Fear causes contraction. We can't give away, or make room (for differing opinions/needs) when we are pulling in to protect. They simply don't go together.

Fear rears its face everywhere and yet so often we don't recognize our behavior as coming from fear. It's also hard to admit we are afraid so we call it all kinds of others things. It comes out deceptively as anger, aggression, defensiveness, denial, false positivity, busyness, sleepiness, among others. Fear pushes away, runs away, fights, immobilizes. It's reactive. We need a certain amount of it to stay safe, but so much of the time we could choose to let it go by slowing down and looking more deeply. 

The pressing question is: how do we become less fearful? I wish there was a simple answer, but the only one that makes sense to me is to find some peace with the fact that I am mortal and am going to leave this all behind. It appears to me that death and the possibility of being separated is the fear behind all fears. So what greater way to find peace than to reconcile with this truth? I find the more I can make small strides in this area, the more free I am here. When I am free, I am more willing to give things away, make allowances for other people's needs, let go of my righteousness if it helps another to feel safe. All kinds of things. But, like forgiveness, this isn't a one time thing. I need to keep remembering that it's really okay that I am going to die.

How do we get okay with death? I wish I could answer that, too, but it's personal for everyone. What I can say is that it is worth our deep looking until we find some way of accepting this temporary experience we have been gifted and even be able to enjoy its temporariness. If you’re wondering what works for me, I'll share it knowing that it might not suit you and that's okay. What makes most sense to me I learned from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. His book No Death, No Fear explains it much more eloquently than I can, but this is how I translate it...

When I recognize that I am not just this body or this mind because everything I might consider "me" is made of things that are not me - my thoughts, me behaviors, my physical body is made up of everything else (water, minerals, plants, the sun, the rain, my parents, my ancestors, my society, my teachers, people I don't know, etc.). I often get caught in the illusion that I am an independent Jean, but I can't be. I know that I can't be separate from anything. What's great about this is that I can't be separated from my kids, my husband, my friends, the animals I love, the flowers, all the beauty and all love that exists. This alone helps me drop my fear of death. It also connects me to everything that is difficult in life, too. The mud. I’m not separate from that either. Can you see the relief in that! If I am the mud, I don't have to be afraid of the mud.

If I am not afraid of dying, then who or what is there to be afraid of in this life? When someone unfamiliar approaches me defensively or accusingly, or asks something of me, I do not have to be afraid. When I feel uncertain about how things will work out, I do not have to be afraid. Don't get me wrong, I don't have this down yet. But, this is the path I choose to be more free while I am here. It takes practice. The only way I can use this practically in the moment with someone is to slow down and talk myself through it. Another reason to meditate. If I’m all caught up in myself, it’s hard to see clearly. It’s hard not to react habitually. It may sound a bit funny, but if I slow down and remember death, I’ll handle things a whole lot better. And I’ll be more generous, too because I’m not caught. 

This week’s invitation:
Reflect on how you make peace with your mortality. What way of viewing this life feels like an opening to something bigger, not a closing? If you don't have to be afraid of dying, how might life feel different? How might you behave differently in situations that at first seem threatening? 

Wishing you all a beautiful week of being alive. 

🙏🌼
Jean